Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

Calm down scuba you sound quite bitter.
Has this happened to you personally or something?

No, Scuba, the fact she has lucid moments and could remember where her will was does not mean she retains full capacity. She may have capacity, but OP’s description would suggest not. I doubt a solicitor would change a will for someone who only has “lucid moments”- or at least not without a Dr having assessed her as having capacity. And even then, any suggestion of it being done after pressure/request of the executor for the financial gain of their DC (however fair that change would be), could cause more problems than it solves. Having been professionally involved in a case which had some parallels (patients adult child did not think will fair and asked mum to change it, she was very frail and vulnerable and was cognitively impaired but has capacity to make some decisions, solicitor was concerned pressure being put on and that she lacked capacity- SS ended up being involved)- I can tell you the fall out was difficult for everyone. Obviously this won’t happen in every case though.

I'm adopted and this just broke my heart a little. To think that a beautiful situation in which a child is given a second chance at life and love, welcomed into that family and becomes an equal part of it... to then be shunned and told they are "less than" in so many words.

It's not anything to do with inheritance hurt wise. If someone said to my family name all the girls / all the cousins / all the grandchildren and included my siblings / cousins etc but not me because I'm adored then I would be devastated.

The word is overused but the devastation would break my heart.

I really hope this can be sorted in a way that your child never knows what happened within the actual will.

You poor thing, it's lovely to hear you are outraged as I'm sure my lovely mum would be too

It’s fair to say if someone only has lucid moments they lack capacity to change a will. OP has already said she wouldn’t consider it anyway.

Many people who have received bequests have never seen the will. As the executor of my parents’ wills I didn’t even know it was a thing. I suspect solicitors do it to increase their profits.

It’s an awful situation, OP, I hope you’re able to remedy it without your son ever finding out.

Wow YANBU. I feel for you genuinely. Not really sure if there's a solution either.

A deed of variation could change the distribution but it isn't going to change the fact that it was never the intention and probably still going to hurt feelings. Sorry OP

With consent of everyone in the will it is possible to vary the will after her death to ensure all the GC get an equal share. Would they be willing to do this?

My dad 'inherited' a moderate sum from his step mum along with a personal bequest that apparently his dad had asked for him to have one day. It meant so much to him. After he died, I've randomly seen his step mothers will. He isn't mentioned. My aunt (stepmother daughter) gave him it but pretended it was a bequest because she loved him and wanted him to be included. It worked.

I'm so sorry you're going through this when it's too late to process with your parents.

it's cruel but I think there's nothing you can do but protect them by giving them a slice of your inheritance to the same amount as the other grandchildren

My Mother’s will left all her worldly goods to one of her children, she had six dc. She always was my Mothers clear favourite. Two of us accepted this and were not surprised as we knew she loved her above all others. The other three suffered immeasurably at the time and still do, it was only last year. I continue to live with the fallout, one of my sisters had a complete breakdown she was so upset.

It will purely be blood line, honestly DH extended family owned the great grandparents family home till a couple of years ago and used it as a holiday home. One of the reasons it was sold was at that point all the direct descendant grandchildren owned it but down the line stepchildren and non blood relatives would have got a share. It sold for about a million. It used to get quite heated about non blood relatives getting a share eventually. The entire family fell out, two distinct sides.

You have the hurt unfortunately, I don’t think you would get a straight answer at this stage. I would personally try and keep it from my child.

"With consent of everyone in the will it is possible to vary the will after her death to ensure all the GC get an equal share. Would they be willing to do this?"

Can't help feeling that there would be someone who would say "if she intended to leave X the money then she would have done".

That is fucking awful x

How upsetting at this stage to find out what horrible people your parents were/are x

Can I just point out that you do not need to use a solicitor and that this is something that can be done just by the executors. It is a fairly straight forward process and you save on the fees that you would pay. You can then all come to an agreement between you how to split the proceeds of the estate.

I would be waiting at DMs bedside for a lucid moment and then ask her.

Not to change the will in any way, but for the chance I might be able to honestly say to DS 'I talked to DM about this and it was a mistake, she wanted you to inherit too'.

The money is secondary.

TBH, if it is just a few k, I would keep it a secret to the grave.

Harder to hide, if it is 10s of K or more.

Speaking as someone who is weeks away from adopting, this must be so hard for you @changedagainly..

You can have the will carried with the consent of all the other beneficiaries (the court will do it for you). I would speak to everyone else listed as a beneficiary about this option. If they say no I would match your other child’s inheritance out of yours and lie to your adopted child and say they were included.

How can it be kept a secret though?

Unless Op's son doesn't talk to Aunts/Uncles/cousins, it's likely to come out, isn't it?

Even if not malicious, just an idle "what did you do with GM's money?"

I think sadly, most of us can guess the reason that Op's son was excluded.

I've inherited some small amounts of money & some jewellery from some relatives. I was never given a copy of their wills & never expected a copy.

(I have a close relative who was left out of their father's will - it was awful to watch the effect, even though it was only about £10,000. Their siblings put all the money together & re-divided it.

I know someone who went through something similar, but it was her mother's will.

She was one of nine children. Out of her 8 siblings, one of them refused to share, so she ended up with a little less than she might have done.

Have you decided what to do OP?

Isn't it best to tell them?

Surely trying to hide it & them finding out later would be worse-like a betrayal from you also?

@diddl but what would you say?

"your grandma didn't love you as much as the other children"?

Generally the truth is the better course, unless the truth is like this..

I don't think it necessarily means in this case that she doesn't love them as much-but she just couldn't let money go to a non blood relation.

If the truth could be forever hidden, maybe keeping it under wraps would be best.

I'm just wondering how likely that is?

If the OP is the executor of the will and gives her adopted child the same as all the other grandchildren, there's no need for anyone to find out. It's just pointlessly hurtful.

The really sad thing here is firstly the damage done to the relationship between the OP and her mother. If my mother did this to my child I would find in very difficult to forgive. I think it would change my opinion of her and no doubt cloud my memories of her.

For this reason I think for your own sake you should try and find a way to approach this with your mother before she dies.

Secondly and more importantly, is the potential damage to the relationship between the op and her child especially if it comes to light that the op knew about this situation before her mothers death.

My paternal grandmother never liked me as I was child of my fathers second marriage and she did not like my mum. His first wife had died years before and my half siblings were always favoured. It was no surprise when I did not inherit. However the op has stated that her adopted child has the better relationship with the grandparent.

It has nothing to do with the money. I believe the op has indicated she could cover the amount out of her share. It has everything to do with how the adopted child will feel and how they will look back on their childhood. This knowledge could taint their previously happy memories and that is a real tragedy and could do real damage.

Surely trying to hide it & them finding out later would be worse-like a betrayal from you also?

Why would it be a betrayal? And surely the OP could just say that grandma had asked her to give the child in question some money to make it fair in her lucid moments? I really don't think that honesty is always the best policy.