Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

AlmostAJillSandwich
The OP is going to have to deal with it - whether that ever gets to the point of acceptance is still open, and she is a better man than I am if she ever does - but there is no way if I were her I would ever let the adult child know. He should never have to know about, let alone accept the cold inhumanity.

They wanted to leave their estate to blood relatives. I'm sorry, but i totally understand why, blood is just different to adopted to some people. Be glad they treated the DC the same all their lifetime

It's quite true a few feel this way about "non-blood", and while I think it's hateful that's on them ... but why on earth should OP be "glad" if it turns out DM was merely putting a polite face on things? Should we really expect so little of our families - especially when she didn't seem to mind all that help from the one she's so cruelly snubbed?

The will was made a long time ago when your mum had only known her for 10 years

Did the OP namechange in the thread and give info about the child's sex and age at the time the will was made? (not that I think excluding an adopted child after 8 years in the family is in any way excusable).

I wonder if you can broach it in a more broad way with another sibling present.

So something like-
Mum we know where all the paperwork is and other bits and pieces and just wanted to check that everything is up to date and that you’re happy with the will?

It may well be that she doesn’t know the full details of the will it may have been something her husband dealt with and could even have been after some dodgy antiquated familial line type advice??

I think you could bring it up broadly but that’s it.

I think I'm the sort of person that would just rather KNOW. I'm good at keeping my own counsel but I hate feeling helplessly in the dark

Me too. If possible I'd want to have some kind of gentle conversation to see why this decision had been made all those years ago. And then I could deal with that. But otherwise I'd be mulling it over forever more.

They wanted to leave their estate to blood relatives. I'm sorry, but i totally understand why, blood is just different to adopted to some people. Be glad they treated the DC the same all their lifetime

Shame the adopted child is the one caring for his non blood granny then, maybe they should've said but you're not blood?

Heartbreaking OP.

Practically this is not a problem. You can arrange a deed of variation to the will. You can ask a solicitor to give your adopted child a share of your inheritance equal to that given to the other GC. Your adopted child need not know that this has happened.

Sadly many people do not regard adopted children as part of the family.

lemon that’s really interesting to know.

Op. You should get some legal advice ASAP and do this! Pronto pizza

The OP has said her mother is very rarely lucid and with just weeks to live that's not going to get any better. How could you trust whatever response she gave you now to be in any way actually related to what was going through her mind when the will was drawn up?

Several posters are saying OP should check her mother still wants the will to stand- if she only has “lucid moments” that suggests she is quite confused for the most part. If so, she would be unable to change the will due to her mental state. Moreover, if it came out that the request for a variance to the will of a confused, vulnerable and terminally ill elderly person was at the prompting of her daughter, whose own child stood to benefit from the proposed changes, and serious questions would be asked.

I’m not condoning what OP’s DM has put in her will- merely pointing out that it seems unlikely the will could be changed under the circumstances.

Did the OP namechange in the thread and give info about the child's sex and age at the time the will was made?

It's in the OP that the will was made when child was early teens...

You're probably right, CiarCel.

OP could ask her mother- but if she’s confused How can a tone be sure that her response is accurate? It may cause distress all round, with no answers for OP.

CiarCel the OP's first post says she adopted the child aged 2 and that the will was written when she was in her early teens. So that gives an idea of how long the grandmother had known her when the will was written. You are right that there is no mention of whether the child is male or female though.

^ ah ok, did miss that. So child in the family for 11-12 years at a minimum. Horrendous.

I think you don’t tell the forgotten child & give them the same amount as the other GCs.

Just say nothing and gift the same amount to your adopted child.
YANBU, however, it is not your inheritance, so you will have to abide by your mothers wishes I’m afraid ( assuming the will is legal).

The will really can’t be changed, but depending on just how lucid your DM’s lucid moment are, if you could raise it with her then it might be possible to tell your child with a clear conscience “the formal will didn’t include you because it was very old and never updated. I know DM wanted to change it to include you but she left it too late for that to be legally possible - so we’ve agreed (or I’ve decided) to split the money to reflect her actual wishes.” Knowing that it was an error that she now regrets would make everything easier for both you and your child, and you could truthfully reassure your mother that you’ll fix it for her.

If that’s not possible then I’d be inclined to conceal it. DB and I were given some money from the estate by my DF after my DGM’s death. AFAIK it was a voluntary gift from him to us out of his inheritance, but for all I know the will could have left us that specific amount, or a percentage which he rounded up, or “500 quid to DGS but nothing to DGD because she’s a fat cow”. The will could even have left everything to us and DF nicked most of it for all I know (except that I’ve known him all my life and am pretty sure of his character).

Adoptive parent here and this is making my blood boil, especially the “at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water-type comments”. And the excusing of horribly divisive and nasty behaviour simply because the perpetrator is aged. Being 70+ isn’t a get-out-of-jail free card for being a less than pleasant human being.

OP, I would tell your adopted child now about the will and give him the chance to decide for himself what he wants to do ie continue to provide the care for his grandmother or not. Imagine the double betrayal of finding out that the trusted grandparent you’d so lovingly, diligently and innocently cared for didn’t have the same regard for you because, regardless of how splendidly you’d fulfilled the role of grandchild, you didn’t have the “right” DNA.

My DM died without a will. In law our half brother wasn't entitled to anything, so we got the solicitor to divide the money differently and he received an equal share. He returned it to each of us, saying in law he wasn't entitled to anything, so couldn't accept it but was really touched by our thoughtfulness.

Make sure you see a solicitor OP, it would be sad if your DS took the same stance as my half brother, far better if he never knows.

Not read the whole thread but I think If your mother is able to talk to you, I think I would need to ask her why. I think you may regret not asking her. Of course share it out with her in some way. Not saying you should ask your dm to change it but I would ask her why she has done this. It may be that your mum has forgotten she has. If she is able to talk to you I would feel the need to broach it while you still can.

Why on earth are you not addressing this immediately with your DM. How can respect your parents ‘right’ to leave their money to whoever they want at the expense of your sons mental health. Fuck that I would be outraged and demand to know why they would treat anyone like that let alone your son. What callous thoughtless b**tards your parents are. And you just leave your adopted son to continue to care for her knowing this, what a used mug he will feel. If I was him I wouldn’t forgive you for your complicity

I would not tell your ds btw. I would absolutely want an explanation from your mum.

And you just leave your adopted son to continue to care for her knowing this, what a used mug he will feel. If I was him I wouldn’t forgive you for your complicity

Oh do calm down. The OP found out a mere few days ago.

My husband is adopted and his grandma did this to him. The vile woman!!

His dad and brother (not adopted) pooled their inheritance and split it 3 ways.

His dad asked his brothers to get in on the pool and split and ask their kids to but they all refused. My husband does not speak to many people in his family now!! (Not over the money, it wasn't huge amounts)

The worse thing is that he knew this before she died because she very kindly told him!!

His cousin was also adopted by his uncle (via a second marriage) and he got nothing either.

Wtf is wrong with people??!!!