Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

What a horrible situation for you. So difficult to be losing your mother without all the questions that the issue of your DC’s treatment in the will raises.

I’m in two minds about whether you should think about attempting a conversation on the issue with your DM. If there were any doubt about her current wishes matching the content of the will I would be tempted in a lucid moment to clarify. But what if she is still happy with the content?

I suppose the question is, should she be able to give you clarity either way, could you live with the outcome? Or would not knowing be harder?

I’m sure you can work out some financial deal for your DC, maybe without them knowing, but can you work out whether you want to know or not?

Adoption doesn’t erase the past any more than divorce does .

I know someone else this happened to. The parents left everything (about £250k) to the biological child and not a single penny to the adopted child.

As pointed out, the child will be able to see the will himself if he decides out of curiosity to look it up, and will be well able to see that it was written when he was ten and presumably had a sibling who was included at that point.

I don't think lying to him that granny never got around to changing it would be the way to go; he can see for himself very clearly that he was obviously left out.
I know DM wanted to change it to include you but she left it too late for that to be legally possible
This would not work. The question of why he was left out when the will was initially written would still be hanging over him.

I think giving the child money out of your inheritance, from an escrow account so it all looks legit, and not including anyone in the arrangement except the solicitor, is the way to go.

You are obviously taking the chance that the child won't ever look up the will. If the money comes from an escrow or from whatever account the solicitor uses, it might suggest to the adult child that there was a codicil or some other document that included him.

I absolutely agree with Weirdpenguin

Oh that's so hurtful to leave your DC out. What were they thinking?
I wouldn't say anything now but would give my DC the same amount as the other GC are getting.

FWIW I'm also an adopted child. I was 8 when I came into the family and my adoptive grandparents were wonderful, never treated me any different to their other GCs.

My GPs passed away a long time ago but due to their wishes their estate is only being divided up now, some 15 years later. My GPs wanted their GCs to be the beneficiaries. There's 9 of us. I wondered if there was going to be any issues from the others about me, but thankfully not, and that means a lot.

I wonder actually if there is a right for you to contest the will? As an adoptee your DC is just as eligible as the other GC. I know a will is a request by the beneficiary but there are still legal rights that trump them. That might only apply to the direct beneficiaries like spouses and children though?

My parents have said for years my DS (well DSS really but have been around since he was one) won't be in their will. But they are emotionally abusive anyway, but will hit him hard.

I would be absolutely furious if my parents left an inheritance to my home grown children and nothing at all to my adopted children.

I have, recently, made my will via a solicitor. Everything needs to be set in stone and worded in a correct legal way. There are family members I have omitted from my will. Solicitor says they are legally allowed to contest the will and I have had to attach letters, legally explaining why these family members have been disinherited.

They can still contest if they have a mind to.

In your shoes, OP, I would urge your dd to contest the will of her legal grandparent.

OP I am so, so sorry for your heartbreak. As an adoptee I've read through and typed out/deleted several replies in frustration and fury at some (minority) of the frankly ignorant and hurtful comments that batshit folk have posted. I cannot imagine you would/will let your child become aware of the contents of your DMs will if you can possibly prevent it. Why do some people make these awful decisions? I don't think you'll ever get a clear answer really. I just hope you can try your best to be able to put it to one side in regards to your DM if that's possible, and to not let it destroy you.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you should just ask your DM about this - assuming she is still able to talk.

You don't have to go in guns blazing but just a simple question. She already knows that you've just seen the will because you recently asked, so she knows what you have seen. It seems a natural time to bring it up.

Let her explain her reasons. Then at least you know what's going on, even if you don't agree with her.

Ask her as if you assume she's made a genuine error rather than accusatory as then you might find out the truth, for your child's sake as things like this do have a habit of coming out .

I'm sorry this is awful but I also could not help but notice your son does not realise they are adopted? I see this as a potential issue for them - especially in the days of the DNA testing for ancestory etc. Now is obviously not the time but I hope you consider telling him the truth when the time is right. It would be easier to explain to him how loved and wanted his was - then it would be if he was to find out accidentally.

Sad and unkind. Interestingly if you use the term “child” in a will and don’t specify who that is adopted children are included but not step children. Doesn’t help op but the law on this point is that adopted children are “children” by default

I'm sorry this is awful but I also could not help but notice your son does not realise they are adopted?

OP literally states they do know they’re adopted in the first paragraph: Child does know they're adopted

Oh and not that I assume my life to be remotely interesting but fuck the fuck off Daily Mail or any other fucking media outlet I do not give permission for this fucking thread to be reproduced anywhere

At least the Dm, or any other outlet, will be able to edit your foul mouth. Are you so adjectively deprived?

@ittakes2 the OP confirms they know in the first paragraph.

@LadyRannaldini I'm sure the OP is not even remotely interested in your view of her "foul mouth", we're adults and can swear if we want.

This is heartbreaking. I think you should ask your Mum why if you can but not ask her to change it. If your son ever finds out, an honest answer is his right even if it hurts.

Wills brings out the worse in people, anyone can get a copy in the future so there is always the chance someone will find out the truth and tell your son.

Why would the op choose not to address this now. Why does the age of her DM affect anything, are you allowed to treat people so disgracefully and destroy lives and relationships just because you are 90. We all die, why should DM be allowed to cause such havoc as a parting gesture. Op says she is rarely lucid but yet she was lucid enough to discuss with her exactly where her will was and funeral arrangements recently. Then she must still be compus mentis.

There are comments that the Will was written years ago, maybe things were different, blah blah blah, that’s bullshit, she’s had years to change her will then.

There are comments that maybe it was DF wishes/will, equally bullshit, it’s her will now, she will have inherited everything when DF died, they’ve been her assets and her will for the last few years and she could have rewritten anytime.

The whole think stinks and op is not going to address this now. Disgusting!

To the comments that op shouldn’t get DM to rewrite then she should engage her siblings to address this with DM now.

I tell you what op, why don’t you say nothing to DM (as you have clearly stated) , let your adoptive son keep looking after her so the last few weeks of her life can be as comfortable and stress free as possible (we don’t want to cause any ripples for DM do we) and then your son can have ripples and stress and hurt for his entire life. Yes can really see where you are coming from op.

scubadive do you know what “rarely lucid” means? No solicitor will change a will for a person who is not of sound mind.

I posted that too soon sorry.

No solicitor would change the will of someone who is mostly confused/delirious. Most courses of action other than the OP just giving her DC a portion of her own inheritance would mean that the other beneficiaries would have to know that the DC was omitted, and you then have more people (than just the executors) knowing the true situation, giving greater risk of upset. My priority would be to minimise the hurt to my own DC, and I would bank on the adult DC not requesting a copy of the will once they’ve already received their gift. There is no other way given that nothing can change the actions (and later inaction) of the grandparents in the will, and the DC will be hurt regardless of whether the OP gets what would most likely be an unreliable explanation from her DM, because they would still know that for whatever reason they weren’t included.

As for continuing the care - the DC clearly loves their GM. To stop them from doing caring duties at this point, when they’re already mentally preparing for her death with a “btw granny left you out the will” seems needlessly cruel at this point, given the other cruelties at play with the will. It’s all well and good having a righteous indignation at the situation, but that doesn’t always lead to the best decisions being made.

These things always come out, the adoptive son will find out at some point and will then be more hurt by the deception. Posters above say all beneficiaries will either receive a copy of the will or be shown it so .i don’t know how it will be kept secret.

The DM recently discussed final arrangements and the location of the will, how can she not be of sound mind to discuss that.

All actions should now be about protecting the adoptive sons feelings and emotional well being not about how the DM is feeling or other relatives and in my opinion that means addressing this bullshit now, head on, not becoming complicit in a further web of lies and continuing to care for her.

Perhaps they are in love with a DM that doesn’t exist, clearly these actions are not actions of a nice person.

How close is your son with the other GC Op-won't they find out from the other cousins that they have been left out?

Please ask her, if you get the chance. You might regret it if you don't.

Arrange for similar money to be transferred, to adopted child, same as other child. Hopefully no one will ever need to know!

Do you not have a very good relationship with your mum? Why would you not ask her? Is she cold and calculating normally?

OP so sorry for your upsetting situation

I have to admit I would desperately want to know why, not for an argument or anything, just because it would play on my mind for the rest of my life I wouldn’t know if it was vindictive or a genuine error. I wouldn’t ask her to change it but I would want closure for my child’s sake.

My heart breaks for your child who didn’t ask to be born and adopted 💔 I can imagine if this does come out it will only bring up a feeling of being unwanted.

I would try with all my might to hide this from my adopted child and give him a share in any way possible. Perhaps speak to your other child and let them know the situation aswell.