Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

"And surely the OP could just say that grandma had asked her to give the child in question some money to make it fair in her lucid moments? "

But wouldn't that beg the question of why Op's son was ever left out of the will in the first place?

@diddl
We varied a will.
It was written before our son was born. He is from DH second marriage. PIL never changed their wills. DH asked all beneficiaries what they thought, they all happily agreed to a variation to make it fair for everyone. It was quite a lot of people who aren't even close and some are pretty cash strapped but they all seemed to think it was fair.
It might not be unreasonable to think people might have some kindness especially if they know OPs DC has been caring for her DM. Its an option.

I agree it doesn't sound fair to try and talk to DM in the state she is in.

If you & siblings inherent most and GC only get a small token amount, I'd say just give it out of yours. You'll never find out why they wrote the will that way all those years ago. No one has to know.

But wouldn't that beg the question of why Op's son was ever left out of the will in the first place?

But you'd only use that story if the child ever discovered that they'd been left out of the will.

"But you'd only use that story if the child ever discovered that they'd been left out of the will."

Well that's the whole crux of it, isn't it?

If there is no chance of Op's son finding out, then I would say easy, give the money from your share (to not involve others) & put it in the past (as much as possible).

OP, is there any chance at all that this could have been a mistake. Did they draft it or did a solicitor? Could someone have misunderstood something somewhere along the line?
Can you have a quiet gentle chat with your mum?

Just ask her op. If not now then when? Otherwise you will be stuck with so many unanswered questions on your mind. And it might have been a misunderstanding or a mistake or something. Or you might find out her true nature. But do ask, while you stil can

I would ask dm in one of her lucid moments. Not to get her to change the will, it isn't about the money (and its dodgy ground to persuade terminally ill people to that) it's more her actions throughout life not matching the will. The op will always be wondering about what her dms true thoughts were about adopted dc and it may eat her up inside not knowing. It is hurtful and unfair but she needs to know why else all her memories and her current time with her mum are damaged.

It can’t be kept a secret as wills are public documents.

I think it can be kept a secret in reality. Yes, you can buy a copy of the GOP and Will (if they estate has had to go through probate and if the will has been uploaded), but who would? I haven't looked up any of my grandparents grants of probate. I really think OP should endeavour to make sure her DC gets the same share and not tell the sibling and cousins.

True, Thewheels - if it all looks legit, why would anyone check?

I received what I was told was an equal amount with all of my cousins from the estate of a relative. I always took it for granted that the solicitor did his job properly and never felt the need to look anything up. The cheque I received came from an escrow account so it all seemed completely above board.

I must just be very nosy because I'd always want to see the will if I was left some money if I didn't get a copy from the family I'd order one. I am very nosy though.

but who would?
Yeah I did for my mothers will. nothing for me as I expected. Still fuckin hurt though.

The siblings are bound to know, (I saw my father’s will) and then may well tell their dc.
Of course you can hope that the child in this case never sees the will, but you absolutely can’t rule it out that they may well do, even if it is well into the future.

I think Op siblings and cousins are likely to see the will out of pure curiosity and nosiness even if nothing else.

I would be worried that somebody will slip up if not now then at some point in the future.

My sister's Godmother died and left a share to be divided between all her Godchildren.

My oldest sister was named in the Will but our other sister wasn't. My oldest sister was a cow to our other sister from the moment she was born but, to her credit, she asked the executors to include her, which they happily did. So it can be done, either formally or informally.

But in your position, I would have to ask my mother why she'd left your adopted child out or it would eat away at me forever (and I'm good at moving on from stuff), although I fear the damage has already been done.

Sisters' Godmother - and I definitely put the apostrophe in the correct place first time round. Bastard autocorrect!

Your adopted child will already know that they are not viewed as a full member of the family. They will have picked that up on a million different occasions through interactions with other family members and family friends during childhood and adolescence. The only people who convince themselves that this is not true are adoptive parents.

I say this as an adoptee.

@Triathlon989 that is so very sad, she nothing that have never occurred to me happens.

Dam autocorrect it's not she it meant to be it's.

Triathlon I'm sorry your experience as an adoptee has been so sad. It's terrible that your family (apparently) didn't accept you as a full member.

But as an adoptee (with an adopted brother and 2 adopted cousins), our family accepted us all with open hearts. There has never been any disparate treatment of us as compared to the 'biological' family. We, all of us, were loved and treated equally.

This happened to me. Adopted at very young age - only child. Cousins left significant amount of money by Grandparent, I was not. It sucks.

@Justtryinghere that's just awful

Is it possible you could gift the DC that is adopted the gift amount from your share or discuss it with your DS? That way adopted child is none the wiser.

If it’s a lot of money that is life transforming I would suggest you compensate for it by leaving your adopted child everything in your will.