Who is BU me or DH?

[Arrowfanatic]

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

He sounds awful

Your DH is being extremely unreasonable!

It's not you, you're not being unreasonable at all.

It's bizarre that he's fine with the weekly commitments but has a massive problem with one afternoon every 4 months?

He sounds hideous

Yanbu at all.
Your dh sounds draining.

He isn't hideous or awful, the rest of the year he's a wonderful kind caring husband, a brilliant dad and i love him dearly and him me. But for some reason its like i take an "extra" karate session & it tips him over the edge.

Hes saying his issue isnt me grading, but not being willing to leave early for MIL. But i pointed out (again and i do every time) that he always kicks off irrelevant of mil.

Your DH sounds awful from the post you've written. Can he explain why he's so against it? Does he even know why?

I think you're eventually going to have to pull him up on it, talk it through and explain you can't continue living like this. You're already bracing yourself for his storm. That's almost a type of abuse, trying to manipulate you into not doing something you love. In fact, it probably is a form of abuse. Either way you deserve to be able to enjoy it without fear of reprisal from that bellend.

He sounds like an absolute twatbadger.

I don’t understand, is he mad because one Saturday every 4 months you are out the house between 12 - 6pm?

I would pose the question like this:

Are you ok with the current hours I use for teaching and training during the week?

Assuming answer is yes bc you indicated as above therefore next question is:

What is it about the additional 24 hours across the year that you find unacceptable? Is it because you have to manage the childcare or is it because you miss the time as a family?

This isn’t going to go away unless you decide not to be an examiner anymore - and even if you do that he may then find something else to pick at?

So you really need to understand why the additional 6 hours 4 times a year is not tolerable. If he can’t give you genuine answer then he is being massively unreasonable. If he is honestly saying overall your hobby is taking up too much time then perhaps a compromise is required.

To me it really would depend on WHY he feels this way about those extra hours.

I only read the first few paragraphs, but if you 'put karate before family' and, since it's your job, every Monday whenhe trots off to work, do you tell him he 'puts x (his work) before family.'he sounds like a bell end tbh.

There must be something more to it? Is there someone at the gradings that he thinks is flirting with you or something? Because it's too odd that he's fine with the weekly commitments and not the 4-monthly one. Can you sit down calmly and ask him if there's something about that 4-monthly day especially that's bothering him? I don't believe he's being an arse for the hell of it.

I cannot on the basis of what you gave shared understand at all what his issue is. Is he jealous of someone you do the trading with who isn't normally around?

It’s hard to imagine he really is wonderful when he is being so profoundly unreasonable over this...

Sorry, grading not trading obvs

I don't understand him. How odd

He is being an arse. Next time he wants to do something I would question it and see what he says.

I know tit for that isn't good but it would be interesting to see his reaction

I got stuck at him wanting to go visit a girl he trained with......

But no you aren’t being unreasonable at all. He is.

It’s your job, one Saturday every 4 months is part of your working hours.

I don’t get what his issue is.

Have you asked him outright why he gets so cross and has a problem with the grading days?

Have you ever asked him why he kicks off about it when he knows it's part of the deal, he gets plenty of notice and it doesn't sound like it impacts on family life half as much as his own personal activities?

I think you're right that MIL is just ammunition for his argument and you won't get anywhere now before this grading as he will just keep harping on the 'it's rude when she's travelled' point but I would be wanting a calm, sit down chat once it's over for another few months and for him to explain exactly what the issue actually is with you doing grading. In a calm setting when the next one isn't imminent he will find it more difficult to justify flying off the handle and you might actually get to the bottom of wtf his problem is. I'm not going to try and guess, I'm not in his head but he needs to tell you because there's obviously something.

And if he won't/can't then you need to make it crystal clear that you won't put up with this every 4 months, he either owns whatever his issue is or he damn well drops it, he doesn't get to have it both ways.

It's actually your job. He can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Maybe a swift chop in the testicles will give him something else to complain about....
He is an arse.

Oh god, i once dared to say it was my job and he did not agree in the slightest.

My only response would be 'suck it up, princess'

It's once every four months. Even if it wasnt something you had to do, or even just a standing friend gathering. 3. Times. A year. He is being beyond ridiculous.

What do you mean, he says it's not your job? Does it not bring money in?