Who is BU me or DH?

[Arrowfanatic]

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

I'm also a bit taken aback that you end up with a backlog of housework if he's off for a few days because you spend "all day with him." Why on earth can't you both spend a day doing it together so you get a break.

He sounds really controlling, but it's hidden because you bend over backwards doing things to please him. The grading days are the only days where you're well and truly in a position of authority, while he's looking after the children and he doesn't like that at all.

I imagine he would similarly kick off if you spent a day or two of his time off doing what needs to be done in the house. He'd accuse you of not putting your relationship first.

My ex was like him. We'd spend his days off doing exactly what he wanted, be it days out at the beach (with a fractious new born on one occasion), shopping for stuff he wanted (invariably miles away and we'd all have to accompany him) and he'd blow his top if I refused even for a genuine reason. But of course if I didn't refuse, to the outside world it seemed like we were having all sorts of lovely "family" days out. He's my ex now and life is rather lovely

I think you need to stand your ground here. Point out a week in advance that the grading is coming up and that you'll be doing it and you won't be listening to his usual tantrums. Also start asserting yourself in other ways. Don't let the housework pile up on his days off. See how he takes that.

As soon as I read your first post I knew exactly what your H did for a living and with where. Sadly it's an occupation that attracts controlling bullies who are encouraged to see themselves and 'the job' as all important (I am not saying all of them are like this just a significant minority) and they have an overinflated opinion of themselves.
Do you have a job outside of the home apart from your hobby? If not get one, your in an incredibly vulnerable position. Oh and the woman from training school, don't be naive she's more than a friend. Sorry to be such a cynic.

I'm also a bit taken aback that you end up with a backlog of housework if he's off for a few days because you spend "all day with him." Why on earth can't you both spend a day doing it together so you get a break.

^^ THIS.

He sounds controlling.

He comes across as lazy.
Entitled.
Selfish.
Manipulative.

No wonder you had PND.

Why are you allowing him to dictate what you do on HIS days off?

Why is he not pulling his weight?

Why is it one rule for him and another for you?

You've got bigger issues than just him throwing tantrums over four poxy afternoons a year.

He is being out of order and very unreasonable. Honestly you need to have it out with him .its horrible he reduces you to tears. I bet he like the cash your martial arts school brings in. You should be massively proud of yourself as to what you have achieved . You need to sort this out the two of ye with a very frank discussion ( shouting match ) where he will in the end apologise unreservedly. If he is a grown adult thats what will happen ! Best of luck

This is about control. He's fine as long as you do what you're told, but kicks off when you are disobedient.
It's not about karate or work or his mother. It's power and control.

Write a list. A side each.

One line for each day, list all his hoildays, when he goes alone. .
Look at all your training days..

Then ask him does he want to give up his time away from you, so you both never have me time?

List not look.

Op I think this is about power control and emotional abuse. Seriously I expect this will just get worse over time. Also why are you missing training on Friday??? Go - it’s your job and your students will need it to calm their nerves before grading

I voted yanbu and lost a bit of sympathy when you revealed that you're volunteering rather than having set up your own karate business. If you're good at this, get paid for it! There's nothing wrong with that.

Your husband still sounds like a knob though.

Eh? I thought you had your own karate business?

You are a black belt. Kick his arse. Joking, I don't condone DV.

I really have no idea why he is being like this! Very unreasonable!

Are the rest of your commitments at times when he is busy himself?

What's so different about these grading days?

Are you sure he isn't like this about other stuff?

Okay. Reading a bit further maybe it's because he sees this as you putting your hobby before your family. He is right its not your job, as it doesn't actually help contribute to your family. It's just for your own benefit. Which is not inherently a bad thing.

Does he have issues with your earnings and wish you would focus more on that?

I still think he's being unreasonable but maybe you need to have a proper talk about this and explain the feelings on both sides.

Yanbu.
It’s hard to believe this is about the grading, there must be something else he’s aggrieved about and he’s just using it as a vehicle to get his anger out.

leghair - the OP isn't volunteering, she said she was "essentially volunteering" because running her business doesn't bring in a huge amount of money - seems to be about £100 a month if they're paying themselves £50 each per month, after they've paid all licences, rent, grading fees etc. That's not the same thing.

And yeah, it's still a job - just because it doesn't bring in a huge amount of money, it's still a JOB with responsibilities. Something her DH doesn't seem to accept or appreciate, because he's a selfish wanker who thinks all her spare time should belong to HIM.

The karate club bring in around £300 a month, but we plow as much as possible back into the club to ensure its got everything it could need to benefit our students. We will also cover the costs of licences and gradings for our underprivileged students to make sure its as accessible as possible as we do truly believe learning self defence and discipline is essential to these kids. We primarily seem to have young girls come to our club, and some from disadvantaged back grounds. This is why we dont take all the available income. We see our club as a part of the community, not a money making exercise. Hence why we charge much much less than other martial arts clubs.

But really what money we earn is besides the point.

Whenever i discuss it with him he says he feels like i put karate before him & the kids. I'm a sahm so my whole life revolves around the kids and as he works shifts I'm often juggling everything & that includes karate. But no one wants for anything. I spend time with him, i spend time with the kids. Everyone is always fed, clean, has washed clothes, i always have everything sorted for school. I sort all the birthdays and Xmas, i plan any holidays and activities and shuttle kids around to them (although if not working DH will do this also) and often miss karate to do things for the family. Its just that i will try not to miss it as i have responsibilities to it as well and i enjoy it.

I get fed up of feeling like the bad guy when gradings roll around so i thought my sight was clouded hence why i needed some outsiders perspective to see if I'm BU with the MIL in the mix this time.

So what he really means then is that you must never, for any reason, put anything before him and the kids? Because clearly about 99% of your life is about putting them first. The grading are the only time when anything else takes priority. But it seems that even that isn't allowed!

He doesn't sound like a wonderful husband op. He does nothing around the house and swans off when he feels like it. Then has the audacity to lose his shit at you for doing something important to you.

I'd tell him he needs to get his act together around the house and start supporting me or we have real problems. And I'd mean it. I wouldn't continue a relationship like this that was so out of balance.

OP, it sounds great but it's not a business. Have you thought about becoming a charity? You could secure further funding that way, do what you love and still claim expenses.

Your DH is still a knob though.

I think the term you want here is Not for Profit (as well as registering the karate club as a charity, there are not for profit and social enterprise statuses you can consider). But that is beside the point. You sound extremely unselfish, so of course it is confusing for you to understand the behaviour of someone who does put himself first.

He’s being an arse about the grading days.

I also think you’re being foolish having his days off as fun cinema lunch type days which leave you playing catch up with the housework. I have lots of police in my family/friend circle and ALL of them do housework/garden/domestic chores on their mid-week days off plus school runs and free school activities. This is their family time if they on shifts on weekends. Not saying the don’t also have time to themselves but they don’t dedicate whole days off just to that. He’s being utterly selfish as having you be on had to entertain him mid-week leaves you doing all the housework on weekends instead of doing something enjoyable with your children!

I agree entirely with ellisandra. He’s jealous, as the tradings make you superior to him and, in his eyes, it’s the only time you are

He’s utterly lovely if you’re subservient and doing exactly what he wants.

This is awful. He’s a cock nostril.

You don't have to keep justifying it. Even if you only did 50% of all the stuff you do, you are still entitled to spend a few days a year doing something you want to.

What does he say when you point out that he spends far more time doing the things he wants to? I think you need a bloody big argument about this. I think you probably avoid the issue until it arises again and then you try to peace keep. Stand up to him. You can be calm and assertive but you need to confront the issue head on and just keep repeating
"Do I object when you do x, y and z? Why won't you allow me the same courtesy to do something that is important to me?"broken record.

Is he also a black belt or is he jealous that you progressed quicker?

He sounds like he’s jealous.