Who is BU me or DH?

[Arrowfanatic]

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

So he can swan off for whole weekends with his pals but grudges a few days a year to you? What an arse 🙄

In that case don't enter into the argument.

I know it's hard but why should you be upset over a work commitment.
Say to to your mil , in front of husband - It's so important for the students that I'm there to grade them and I'm grateful you could come down and help.

I’d really be needing him to break down into words of one syllable what his actual problem is with it.

Won’t help now but i’d preempt him for Nov and arrange for the girls to visit a friend so he doesn’t even have to do the ‘childcare’ aspect watch him look even more ridiculous when he still kicks off.

So he's perfectly reasonable around all other aspects of lIfe? I find this hard to believe as it smacks of control to me. How supportive was he when you were building the club up and starting to teach etc?

Could it possibly be he's happy when you're performing your 'wifely duties' correctly and once you step outside that he has a problem?

I would make the point that you are not willing to keep having the same argument every four months as you feel like you're starting to walk on eggshells/dread the gradings coming up. It's unfair and it needs to be addressed by him either by him stopping the arguments and becoming more supportive or you go to counselling to address the issue.

Start documenting the arguments on the calendar as well on the day it happens. This will give you documented proof to show his pattern of behaviour in regards to your grading day.
He sounds very controlling and doesn't seem to like you have you life and mental health back on track.
It's a shame as he should be your biggest supporter like you are to him.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

Have you said this to him?

Am I the only one to raise my eyebrows at your DH going away for s weekend to see a female friend ? Or are all the cool wives here today ?

I think that slipped under the radar Oldbutstillgotit 😂

YANBU. He's being a prick. My mum used to work every evening and every Saturday 9-4, plus the odd extra on Sundays at exam times (she's a music teacher). My dad never had a problem with it, A) because he appreciated her contribution to the family finances and appreciated how hard she worked, and B) because he knew how much she loved her job and how much pride she took in it (and still takes).

Your DH should be supporting you, not throwing a hissy fit.

OP, him being nice you you the rest of the time doesn't, in any way, make up for these verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative outbursts..

I begin to see your husband’s point of view a bit more now that you have given some figures. That’s a ridiculously large investment of time and money for something that gives you only £100 a month income. Perhaps it is all getting a bit disproportionate?

Is the problem the fact that the teaching and club aspect are relatively low key whereas the gradings give you a high profile and he can't abide you 'outshining' him. If he has a black belt as well does he resent that you are an examiner and he isn't called upon to also be an examiner?

@Oldbutstillgotit I spotted that too but thought we were being the cool wives... I'm glad you pointed it out because imagine if OP was going to stay with a male friend she trains with 😳

@isatis what a sad way to look at something that obviously brings the OP so much joy. Value extends beyond cash.

YANBU at all.

I’m finding it odd that he’s off to spend the weekend with a girl he trained with...

Is it the lack of money coming in? Seems a very unusual response.

YANBU

Tell him it is 3-4 times a year end off. Unless he never ever ever does anything by himself, he is very unreasonable. And it is your job, he even suggested it.

Don't discuss, just get on with it. 💐

You say he used to do martial arts and gradings. Why doesn't he still do these things? Could it be jealousy?

Seems like a load of fuss over 3 weekend afternoons a year.

I would be saying 'ooo, i never realised you were my father' and when he say's he isn't, tell him to stop acting like it then.
Then just carry on your own way.
I can't imagine being in a relationship where i had to argue about stuff like that. I would be telling my husband that he doesn't get to tell me what to do. He's not my father, nor my employer.

@Oldbutstillgotit yes yes the weekend away with the 'female friend'... wtf

‘Oh god, i once dared to say it was my job and he did not agree in the slightest.’

But he’s a loving and wonderful husband....
So many red flags op. He’s happy when he’s in control but kicks off when he’s not. He sounds controlling and manipulative.

I get that you see it as your job, but £50 a month for all that work isn't even minimum wage. To me it seems more a hobby that you subsidise with some teaching, which is fine, but let's call it what it is.

Depending on your finances, if I were him I'd probably prefer to pay for the training but to see a bit more of each other. But gradings do sound expensive, so maybe I'm wrong there.

I don't think YABU, especially as you've discussed it all before and he's agreed to it. I can just see where he might be coming from. I think it's worth trying to see things from both points of view.

He sounds awful