Who is BU me or DH?

[Arrowfanatic]

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

OP, he's not nice.

He sounds absolutely awful, controlling, and abusive.

Take care.

If I’ve read this right, he’s having a strop because of one Saturday every 4 months where he has the kids all day?

He’s a knob.

Do you think he subconsciously has some sort of problem with you being at the grading where you are very much senior and respected and part of the running of things? The difference in status is surely the only difference between what you do monthly for that and your general day to day coaching?

YANBU
I would not put up with the same argument every time either tbh
'I'm doing it, like I do every 4 months, back/fuck off'

I’d really want to get to the bottom of why this is such an issue for him. I don’t think he’s an arse or any of the other charming names he’s been called. There must be a reason why this one afternoon three times a year triggers him so badly.

I think you need to explain a bit more op, because this doesn't make sense to outsiders. You've said...
You have a dh who you say is mostly lovely who kicks off for no reason whatsoever about you doing your job once every four months.
Based on that, no one is going to say he is being reasonable.

Yeah, I'd be tempted to think there's a jealousy element here.

Did he want to be an instructor?

I'd want to unpick what's going on but he may be in total denial. If he doesn't realise he does it every single time, he's got a problem.

I'd be ignoring his tanty. And putting his next scheduled tanty into your outlook and family calendar. So when he kicks off the next time, you can go look at the calendar and go 'ooooooh, look, right on schedule DH.'

It's not as if you're going on a three week cycling holiday for goodness sakes. . .

Are there other times where he had to parent alone for the day?

If he’s fine with your karate school the rest of the time, there is obviously something that tips him over the edge about these grading sessions. It can’t literally be as simple as him hating having your DC for a few more hours than usual surely...

If he’s a wonderful husband in all other ways and has no issue with you doing other things in life then this is frankly quite bizarre behaviour.

You need to get to the bottom of why he resents this particular aspect so much ASAP. There’s no way most people could deal with this once every few months, you must absolutely dread his behaviour when an event is approaching!

I think YANBU but I can sort of see some of his side slightly. From his point if view on this particular weekend he won't see you Thursday evening, Friday evening, Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. I'd want to see my husband more than that at the weekend because I love him and want to spend time with him. Maybe in theory he doesn't have an issue with it and rationally he supports you in what you want to do but emotionally he misses you and wants to spend more time as a family over the weekend.

I think if I were you I'd try to speak to him about it again in a calm moment and reassure him that the kids and him are the most important thing to you, but that karate is also important for your mental health and self esteem and that it's only four times a year that weekends will be like this.

I'm afraid I haven't read all the posts so I apologise if someone's already said this, but it sounds to me as if he's jealous. Of the time you spend there and of the success you've clearly made of it. Is he at your level too? Do you think he's pissed off you're better at it than he is?

Taking 4 half days per year from 52 weekends is hardly putting karate before your family FFS! There must be more to it than that. The MIL argument doesn't stack up either. It's his mother and he can spend some quality time with her and your DDs. Maybe you should show him this thread. When I voted it was showing 99% YANBU.

What grade is DH? Is it jealousy that you're at a much higher level than he is?

Ok sorry if this sounds petty, but next time he does one of the “him” things that you mentioned in your OP you have to make a massive fuss and tell him he’s not putting the family first.

Does he not like the fact that it's a day when you're 'important' ?

But, motherland, it's mostly for her job. That's a bit like complaining I don't see my dh (who works 9-5 mon-fri) between 9 and 5pm for 5 days in a row.

What @Juells said. Is he jealous of your success?

I was exhausted reading your post, goodness knows how you feel listening to his crap every time. Tell him no more sulking. He's a grown man and it stops now or else..

He is a black belt in both his martial arts, but has no desire to teach nor get involved with the more admin type side of it. He likes to go, kick butt for a bit and then leave. Where as i enjoy not just the physical aspect but teaching, passing on my knowledge, and getting involved behind the scenes and I'm bloody good at it. Recently orgsnised a massive tournament for over 80 participants.

• @MotherlandGasp* i take your point and i know that due to his shifts we're sometimes just ships passing in the night. However, this is 3 times a year and he has me the rest of the time.

@arethereanyleftatall not a lot of money as we put the vast majority back into the club. Its then used to pay for our licence, insurance, hall fees, equipment etc. We also use it to cover our own training fees, any grading fees (black belt grading fees are in excess of £100). We give ourselves £50 a month each from it. But if we need extra money for fuel or anything we use it. We also throw a party for the kids in the club at xmas and things like that. We dont charge a lot for our students each week (£4 a lesson) as we teach for the passion and for the future black belts rather than monetary gain.

@MotherlandGasp also every time this arguement happens i always ALWAYS reassure him that nothing is more important to me than my family. I just have this responsibilty to do.

If it was me in the absence of a reasonable explanation for his behaviour I would refuse to discuss the gradings. Write the dares on the calendar , point them out to him and refuse to discuss it any further.

dates - autocorrect.

@mrpickw1ck the dates go on the fridge in january for the year. Plus into our joint phone calender. Its never a surprise.

I would love to see how he would explain this in front of a counsellor.