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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU me or DH?

152 replies

Arrowfanatic · 05/07/2019 14:01

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

OP posts:
hiddeneverythin · 05/07/2019 21:53

There's no point in the whole thread where I can see you being even in the slightest unreasonable

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2019 21:57

He's nice to you when he gets his own way
Sounds like a dick to me

billy1966 · 05/07/2019 22:03

You sound like a great woman, who is making a wonderful difference to a lot of childrens lives.

You do absolutely everything at home.

Your husband does absolutely nothing to help with house or children.

He then abuses you when you take a tiny break to do something 3 or 4 times a year.

He sounds like a horrible, selfish prick.

Certainly no prize.

Most unattractive. Ugh.

You deserve so much more.

No wonder you had PND. 🙄

CSIblonde · 05/07/2019 22:06

That's bizarre. It goes with your job & it's a few times a year. I'd be wondering if he's using it to create an argument so he can guilt you into something he wants? Does something always come up soon after that he wants to do & he'll be away for a while for?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/07/2019 22:10

I would refuse to discuss it anymore. It’s the same argument every time. You’ve heard all he has to say about it, you’re still going to go to the gradings regardless. It is literally a pointless argument. Don’t engage with him when he brings it up again. Walk out of the room, house wherever. Just do not enter a discussion. Don’t try and explain yourself or assure him he means More to you. Just don’t. Carry on as planned. Let him whinge to the wall.

altiara · 05/07/2019 22:33

He sounds like a knob. Whereas you seem to do everything AND make karate dreams come true.
Has he ever done housework when it’s his day off?

C0untDucku1a · 05/07/2019 23:22

His behaviour around the gradings is poor. No excuse.

How much parenting does he do alone?

SlipperyWhenWatery · 05/07/2019 23:56

I can't believe someone has voted for yabu.

Because yanbu, very much.

What's his effing problem

Butterymuffin · 06/07/2019 00:07

Agree with those saying you should just refuse to discuss it in future. You've had this argument enough times.

Dora26 · 06/07/2019 00:15

What about a few sessions with a counsellor/objective mediator? Otherwise you have a real problem which is sucking the joy out of your life

Deadringer · 06/07/2019 00:34

He sounds like he is jealous of your success tbh.

Ellisandra · 06/07/2019 00:46

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that he’s pissed off about this and he also does martial arts.

He’s competitively jealous.

Your training is just training.
You teaching is just you pottering about playing at being a teacher and having a club (in his eyes, not mine!!) because you don’t really make money.

So far, so non threatening.

But grading?

No denying there that you are in a position of seniority and power, being able to grade.

I bet that’s why it is that, that he kicks off over.

I would point out that it’s 3x 8 hours, and point out his leisure time. Then I’d tell him he had 5 minutes to tell me what his fucking problem was. And if he couldn’t, the only time I’d be prepared to listen to his whiny arsed shit again, would be when he was recording it as my unreasonable behaviour on his divorce petition.

HappyLoneParentDay · 06/07/2019 02:29

Projecting

HappyLoneParentDay · 06/07/2019 02:30

He is definitely projecting guilt

Beautiful3 · 06/07/2019 03:18

He has to accept that the grading is a part of your job. Ignore him, he's being silly. As you clearly do spend time with your family.

Ihatehashtags · 06/07/2019 03:28

He bloody well shouldn’t have an issue with you going out with your friends “a few times a year”. I catch up with friends most weeks! He sounds controlling, jealous and a bit of a man child. Tell him next time grading comes around you will not be engaging in an argument or discussion about it. If he still kicks off tell him you need to go to a counsellor together to get to the bottom of his issues. It’s absolutely ridiculous!!

SusieQ5604 · 06/07/2019 03:36

Why do you put up with this shit?

Robin2323 · 06/07/2019 03:48

From pnd to this.
I think you're awesome op.

I got stuck at him wanting to go visit a girl he trained with......

But I don't agreed with this.

Robin2323 · 06/07/2019 03:49

I mean I agreed with the statement but am no longer a cool wife about stuff like this.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/07/2019 04:06

Yanbu.
I would tell him in the strongest terms that he is being out of order, he ne3ds to stop it and it's extremely odd behaviour. It's every 4 months ffs?!!
And then refuse to discuss it or engage ever again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/07/2019 04:38

He's being a total fucking dick and I actually can't see why. There is no obvious reason why those extra few hours affect him so badly once every few months - maybe he just hates that you are in that "superior" position and have extra responsibility?

Either way, he's a dick and YANBU.

Nuckyscarnation · 06/07/2019 05:49

You sound an amazing, committed and passionate woman op.

Your DH sounds like an unreasonable arse. The gradings are part of your job ffs. How dare he be anything but supportive.

What’s all this about going off to visit a woman for a weekend too? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

rainbowstardrops · 06/07/2019 06:47

So he is an awesome husband when you are doing exactly what he wants?

This ^

From where I'm sitting, it sounds as if he's a wonderful husband all the time you're bending over backwards for him but he doesn't like it when he has to take the back seat for a change.
Why on earth can't you do the housework when he's on days off? Why the need to spend all day, every day doing things with him if his days off fall when the children are at school? I find that quite odd 🤷🏻‍♀️

snowone · 06/07/2019 07:03

YANBU!!.

Just carry on doing what you are doing and ignore his toddler tantrums!

NauseousMum · 06/07/2019 07:28

He's jealous and throws a tantrum when the focus is more on you then him. Point out he's a hypocrite now and next time just say "here we go again, why do you always try to ruin this for me?"

Which is what he is doing. My friend's OH was the same, kicked up a stink over one thing she loved and had tantrums. He was told where to go and what a hypocrit he was. He ruined many things for her first though.