Who is BU me or DH?

[Arrowfanatic]

So as not to drip feed i need to add some background so bare with me.

Back in 2014 DH found a karate club & suggested i join. I had done it as a teenager & loved it. I was suffering with bad PND & other mental health issues and he hoped this would help.

Well it did, i LOVED it and made a wonderful group of friends. Its turned me from just a SAHM and wife to a shift worker to my own person.

I progressed quickly (due to previously doing it) and after obtaining my black belt DH suggested myself and a friend open our own club. Which we did in 2016 & its now massively successful.

As it stands now i teach on a Thursday evening, train on a friday evening, and teach from 9.30-10.30am on a sunday & train for another hour after that. Dh has never had an issue with this side of it.

So, once every 4 months for a saturday afternoon its grading day. Our club, plus all the other clubs grade together. As a black belt I'm not only there to support the 30 or so kids our club puts through but we are also the examiners.

Every single time grading comes round DH kicks off. Says i put karate before him & the kids and generally makes out I'm a terrible person. It always ends up a massive fight & me in tears and he always follows this with the silent treatment.

So, 13th July is the next grading. Just so happens that on 14th we have tickets to a local festival and the 15th we all go away on a family holiday.

So, MIL offered to come down from scotland (so a long way) to watch the kids whilst we're at the festival. Also, its important to note that our 2 girls are doing their karate gradings on the saturday & have been working super hard towards it.

So i assumed that Mil would arrive around school finish time on friday. I wouldn't go to training so we can all catch up. Saturday we arrive at grading at 12.45pm, MIL and DH wants to watch the girls grade. They'll be done by 3pm so DH said him and MIL will take them to the ice cream parlour afterwards since I'll still be examining the remaining graders.

Usually I'm done & home by 6pm ish as we have a quick black belt meet up to discuss the grading & figure out any issues that may have arisen. So figured they will be done with ice cream by 4.30pm, maybe 5pm. Then I'll be back & we can enjoy the evening together & the sunday morning (so skip training again) and then head off to the festival.

Anyway, DH has gone ballastic. I knew it would happen as it always does. This time though hes saying as MIL has travelled such a long way i should leave the grading once my girls are done. I'm saying its not really possible as i still have students of my own to grade and I'm an examiner but I'll be back usual time which wont be that long after they're done anyway. (Fyi, the ice cream trip was DHs suggestion to do whilst waiting for me, and was discussed weeks ago. This issue has only arisen today). He is flipping his lid, calling me selfish, saying I'm rude, saying i put karate before them. I'm saying that he does this every time a grading is on and his mum is just fodder he can use for the argument as i am positive MIL will have no issue (she really is lovely).

The thing is, even if i did what he wanted this time, come November he'll just have another argument about it.

I never stop him doing anything. He did 2 types of martial arts, off to gradings that took an entire day and i was nothing but supportive. Wants to go away for a weekend to visit a girl he went to training school with, fine DH off you go have fun. Wants to go to a beer festival with work mates in London, no problem DH off you go and enjoy yourself. I literally never stop him or bitch about it.

So who is being U. Me for not dropping my black belt responsibilities early because MIL is down, even though this is a repeat of March's argument and will be repeated in November (obviously without MIL in the mix) or DH for introducing me to something i love, which has fixed my mental health no end, but stropping every 4 months and more so about demanding i am around for MIL?

I love my husband dearly but my heart breaks everytime we argue about this as karate is very important to me and is an outlet where I'm Arrow and not just Mum/wife and its not like i spring these dates on him, but i hate to think that he may genuinly think he & the kids arent put first. Its just one afternoon every 4 months my responsibilities lie elsewhere for a few hours.

I wondered about the girl weekend too.

And I agree that value does not always mean cash. If it keeps OP happy and healthy, then why not?

OP - I'm late 40's am I too old to learn?

I get that you see it as your job, but £50 a month for all that work isn't even minimum wage. To me it seems more a hobby that you subsidise with some teaching, which is fine, but let's call it what it is.

Why is that important? Even if it is a hobby, he's being an arse to kick off about three afternoons in the year.

3 afternoons a year and he is accusing you of not putting him and the kids first? Do you spend all the other weekends with him (bar when he is away doing his things) and the children? His reaction is ridiculous, YANBU

Do you have any other activities or days when you go and do something on your own and leave him with the kids for a day? Does he mind about that?

I don’t think it’s about this weekend, it’s about the whole thing. Martial arts can be incredibly all-consuming. I did tae kwon-do, not karate, but I imagine they’re fairly similar, and I quit in the end because I just wanted to do and think about SOMETHING ELSE. If that’s your husband’s feeling, and it sounds as though it might be from what you say about him not wanting to teach, then it’s not surprising he resents what he sees as the intrusion on family life. I’m not really sure whether either of you is unreasonable, but I think you’ve got a clash of priorities.

I'm losing track of who is saying what so I'll try to reply.

Re him going to see a friend who happens to be a woman. They went through training school together (police) and have remained firm friends. He went last year as well and i have zero worries about him going. They are friends, nothing more. He also goes for weekends to visit a friend in scotland, this friend is male. Its no different.

Martial arts tends to be a male heavy sport, however i wouldn't think DH is jealous of any of them. Most are married or over the age of 70. He's also met them all as we socialise occassionally and all bring our families along.

Re the lack of earnings from the club. Its not done for money, its done for the love of it. I'm sure I'm not the only wife who essentially volunteers. Its no different to being a Brownies leader for example. I earn bucket loads in seeing my students enjoyment, improvement & utter delight when they earn their new belts. I feel such pride for what they achieve.

Yes a black belt grading is expensive, and increase with each dan grade you take. They are also more spaced out. I wait 3 years to take 3rd dan, its not as regular as the coloured belts grading.

He has no issue if i go out & meet friends, which i manage a few times a year. Usually though ill arrange for mates to come here when hes working weekend night shifts so as not to impact my time with him.

Its like he's got it into his head that i put karate first and so whenever a karate event comes along he sees it as me abandoning the family. But as a sahm, married to a man who can work long hours, 24 hour shift rota and 3 primary school age kids (we have a son also, the kids are 10, 8 & almost 7) i do pretty much everything. All housework, all laundry, all cooking, all organising, everything to do with school. I'm also a carer for my dementia suffering Nan so i am pulled a lot of directions on the daily anyway. But if his days off fall when kids are all at school i will spend the whole day with DH. We'll go cinema, gym, out for lunch whatever. He'll have 4 or 5 of these weekdays off in a row which then means i have to spend the following weekend hes then working catching up on my weeks worth of housework.

Its really hard to get across what its like. He's honestly not a bad man, its just anything karate related seems to tip him over the edge. And as PP says it gets exhausting as grading approaches as i know the moaning will start.

I just dont want to feel guilty or on edge anymore when karate events come up.

As an aside, can I just say your approach and attitude to teaching the kids for such a low price is absolutely awesome op.

What would happen if in a few weeks when all this is less immediate you sat down and tried to have a calm discussion about what his issue actually is?

If I were you I’d leave the room every time he raises it. Don’t engage. He’s not listening to you. Why have the same argument 3 times a year. Just say I’m not discussing this further and walk away. From what you’ve said he’ll always be like this.

@arethereanyleftatall Thank you, i appreciate that.

So he doesn't actually contribute anything to the household either chore-wise?

What would he say if you told him you felt all his time away is him abandoning the family? Sounds like he's away doing his thing much more than 3 afternoons a year OP.

Sounds like your 'd' h needs a karate chop over the head. What an idiot. Won't repeat what others have said but he sounds very controlling, selfish and joy-sucking.

But my question is why don't you get paid for teaching your students? I don't think it is like being a scout leader as that is a voluntary organisation. Presumably this martial arts school is run by someone making a profit?

But as a voluntary thing you enjoy, he should support you even if it's not paid. It just sounds like you're getting exploited.

Is he cross that you’re not making more money? I can’t see why he is being such a big baby about spending an hour at home (between 5-6) without you?

You say he is normally wonderful but this is just ludicrous.

He doesnt like it because it means for more than 2 hours he has to look after his children, which is just too difficult for his simple mind. Tell him to grow up.

So he is an awesome husband when you are doing exactly what he wants?

I'd put a post it note on the fridge with a pie chart of the weekly hours I dedicate to the children, family time, socialising and the the teeny tiny wedge that would be gradings.

I'd put another post it note next to it
Home at x
Yes I'll be home quickly
Yes it's a responsibility
Yes I love it
Etc

Then ask if he'd line to give up one of his holidays as he's so keen on family.

Does he not like being in charge at the weekend.

So you basically organise your leisure/social activities around your husband and kids lives and the 3 times a year you cannot do that, he throws a tantrum?

It is him who is not putting you and the family first

No, @mrscampbellblackagain, he’s an awesome husband apart from three afternoons a year.

I think he has an issue with you being in a position of authority and these events particularly set him off because he sees more of them/it is more noticeable because it is the weekend. I think you should take it to a counsellor and talk about it.

OP I agree with other PP - it sounds like at all other times you bend over backwards to put him first - scrambling to always do ‘fun’ things together on your day off etc.

Think about it - the reason he kicks off here is because it is literally the only time you don’t put him first.

I honestly wouldn’t engage with his silent treatment and sulking. I’d just stick to the same line ‘DP, I love you and the kids, and I also love teaching and my work in the karate club. You know this. Stop being an arse.’

He sounds like he's nice the rest of the time because everything is going his way. The minute it isn't he kicks off. This does not sound like a good man.

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from asking wtf is the issue.

"DH you're happy with me doing training on the normal XYZ days and hours a week, so why on earth does the Saturday afternoon every 4 months create such an issue? You know it's coming, you know it's in the calendar, I don't drop anything on you at the last minute. You know that unless something major happens I do this on a Saturday afternoon every 4months on the dot. It's 24hrs a YEAR! So please explain what the actual problem is? "

And don't take any deflecting. Saying it's because MIL is here.
"No this happens every 4 months regardless of her being here."

i do pretty much everything. All housework, all laundry, all cooking, all organising, everything to do with school. I'm also a carer for my dementia suffering Nan so i am pulled a lot of directions on the daily anyway. But if his days off fall when kids are all at school i will spend the whole day with DH.

Sorry OP - your husband IS being selfish and short-sighted about what you contribute to the family.

You may not bring in wads of cash but look at what you are doing ^^ which he does not contribute to.

And
Think about it - the reason he kicks off here is because it is literally the only time you don’t put him first.
It surely looks like this is right.

He thought you were going to do a little hobby and it's grown past what he thought it would, probably. He does sound envious - even though he doesn't, himself, want to do any of the admin/grading which you do.

Stand your ground - you are not the one in the wrong here. 🌹

He sounds like a bit of a selfish dick tbh.

I would try to have a calm discussion away from the time of gradings, saying that you've made a commitment and feel it's important to honour. Maybe ask whether he feels the decision of free time is fair (but be ready to point out the time he has) and if it is, why he makes you feel bad about honouring your commitments?