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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Karmin · 06/07/2019 18:59

Also OP - Don't tell her the next time something like this occurs!

Omzlas · 06/07/2019 19:00

I'm in camp DM is being unreasonable

She wants to visit for herself, if she was bothered about DC she'd leave him be and FaceTime etc. For me, it's not so much that she wants to visit (I completely get that bit) but that's she's disregarding your reply and ignoring your wishes

Lock the door, just in case.

fib88 · 06/07/2019 19:01

I’d be very careful - you partner sounds controlling, your mum only wants to see her grandchild. Obviously, the two don’t get on?

This can be the start of alienation from you family - my advice is just tired carefully

TheRedBarrows · 06/07/2019 19:01

“It's the 'I'm coming to see him regardless of what you say' that is the problem!l”

Yes, but if you weren’t being so melodramatic and control freakish she wouldn’t be saying that.

And I have a child who has had 5 hour operations and lengthy hospital stays.

It is emotional when your kids have treatment but it usually goes much better than everything you were fearing.

Anaesthetics are very sophisticated now and surgery less invasive and traumatic in most cases.

The one thing that is really important is that you and your Dp stay very calm and matter of fact and keep all surrounding stress levels down and not signal to your Ds your own anxiety.

A visiting grandma who loves her grandson... is this honestly worth this level of angst and fury?

Namechangeforthegamechange · 06/07/2019 19:02

Yabvu. She’s concerned for her grandchild and wants to visit, probably also as support for you. Let her come

Widowodiw · 06/07/2019 19:05

You should appreciate that she wants to see him. 12 months in from my husbands death and no visit from any of his paternal gp, not even a phone call

Original poster
BillywigSting · 06/07/2019 19:17

I do appreciate that she wants to see him. I am glad that she wants to see him.

But her demanding to see him when he may not feel well enough is not ok.

She came today as we have a long standing arrangement where she takes him for a swimming lesson on a Saturday and was very cool, and made a quick exit afterwards.

She is usually lovely and offers help where it's needed, keeps her distance when appropriate. But regarding medical stuff she has no self control (this is not the first time he will have been hospitalised and while it comes from a place of love but she needs to butt out)

OP posts:
poppy54321 · 06/07/2019 19:30

I'm wondering if you and your son would actually like her to visit. Why is DH immediately cross about this? It seems odd. Perhaps if your son would like to see her it might be time to stand up to DH and say when are you going to be out and we'll arrange her visit for then. Perhaps he could pop out for a pint, or she could come while he is at work. If not and you don't want a visit either then just rearrange and tell your husband that she is worried and loves DS. It sounds like you are being bossed on both sides perhaps?

Randomer234 · 06/07/2019 19:44

My son had surgery a month ago he came home same day (luckily) and my mum visited the next day, she loves him as much as we do and I was greatful to have someone to share my relief with that it was all over. My son lay on the sofa and my mum said hi to him and then chatted to me. My mil however didn't even remember he'd had surgery and called a few days later about something totally un-related and claimed we hadn't told her. I know which I prefer (DH was furious with his DM) if your son really isn't up to it then explain that and say he will be sleeping and she can visit you instead and have a quick cuppa.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 06/07/2019 19:49

And @Randomer234 if he is well enough to be lying on the couch and say Hi then she can come, but if he's just sleeping and puking then no, she can't.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 06/07/2019 19:49

Look just stop assuming there’s going to be a problem. You must know in all likelihood your ds will make a rapid recovery and will be well up for seeing Gran. Honestly you are making an issue where one doesn’t exist! Don’t upset your mum for no good reason.

skybluee · 06/07/2019 20:22

It seems like the grandmother is not considering what's best but is putting her feelings as trumping everyone elses.

If someone said to me please can we wait and see how he is - the normal response is to say yep of course, I'll wait to hear. Hope to see you. In what world does someone say nope, I'm coming anyway. It's about her, not him.

The point is that she's decided that she is doing what she wants, irrespective of what anyone else wants, irrespective of what may be best for anyone or not.

It seems like some people on the thread feel like the OP - the mother of the child - doesn't have the right to make any decisions, a decision about what's best for her son, and for her and her partner.

It's the erosion of her right to make a decision. It's saying I WILL be coming on this day, tough shit if you don't like it or it doesn't fit in. I will do what I want.

Randomer234 · 06/07/2019 20:25

@BillywigSting obviously if he's throwing up it's not a good idea because op will be preoccupied with sick. I just know how I felt and I was greatful for my mum popping in to check on us 🙂

Lola999 · 06/07/2019 20:38

If your mum is usually lovely and helpful then surely you are making a mountain out of a molehill
Of course her nurse head comes into play regarding medical things in the family.... but you are second guessing what will actually happen, you're imagining all sorts and there's now a situation where your dh is saying he may not let her in

If it was me I would tell dh to back off, and that as my mum is usually lovely then we are not going to make an issue out of this non issue

Honestly if my Dh EVER got into a twist about my mum and said he would stop her at our door from coming in I'd be questioning why I'm even with him

You've enough stress what with the oven, house sale and you and dh job issues.
And on top of that your dh is furious your mum wants to pop over and see her poorly gs
Horrendous

Devondoggydaycare · 06/07/2019 20:44

Although having a nurse on hand could be a blessing. She's likely to have a strong stomach and able to help mop up any sick.

missyB1 · 06/07/2019 20:47

She said she’d pop by the day after his surgery. It’s highly unlikely he will be puking up the day after, not with modern anaesthetics. In fact they will make sure he’s not vomiting before they discharge him. Your mind a nurse which is why she knows this.

missyB1 · 06/07/2019 20:48

Mum not mind!

Tartyflette · 06/07/2019 20:53

I can't help but feel that many replies on this thread would be very different if it was the OP's MIL, rather than her DM, who was insisting she would visit when the OP wasn't sure if it would be OK and just wanted to wait and see how he was first...

Livelovebehappy · 06/07/2019 21:12

DP making a huge issue out of it, which is then making you anxious too. A decision on visiting could be made on the day. He may be fine or he may be tired and not up to visitors, but I don’t think all this drama is necessary at the moment.

LegionOfDoom · 06/07/2019 21:12

^agree

UpToTheRigs · 06/07/2019 21:20

People are being dicks about it, op, of course YANBU. Your mum is making it all about her and how worried she is. She wants to tell everyone how concerned she is and that she rushed to his side as soon as she could. There's no reason not to accept your assurance that he's ok on the phone. And of course a young child recovering from surgery may need rest abs quiet, not visitors who are prone to a bit of drama ("i feel sick" "wild horses").

TheRedBarrows · 06/07/2019 21:28

It is s minor procedure. Scary enough, I know, but there is really no reason to suppose that he will be out of it, sleeping and puking.

Wouldn’t the usual situation be that you expect her to pop round as the default position and will let her know if on the day there is some reason why not?

Are you catastrophising because you had a bad reaction all those years ago?

This is a gran who is involved in his life, takes him swimming. Why so hostile to her? “Butt out”??

museumum · 06/07/2019 21:29

Your mum is a nurse. I don’t see why your ds has to be “well enough for visitors” for her to check in. He’s not going to be expected to host, or even be dressed. She probably won’t care if he’s sound asleep. Or puking. If my mum were a nurse I’d be happy to have her pop in.

peachsquish · 06/07/2019 21:33

Yanbu it's not like you've banned her from visiting just said that you want to see how your son is first.
The fact that all the other grandparents are happy to wait and see how your son is tells that it's your mum who has the issues not you.
Your update when you said she was very cool with you only confirms it. My mum feels she can do as she pleases sometimes because in my own words "I only want what's best for you" she too sulks if she doesn't get her own way.

mommybunny · 06/07/2019 21:34

Op, does it ever feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall? I know I do and I’m only reading it!WineFlowers

Of course YANBU.

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