Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

I think there are cultural differences with this sort of thing, and family differences too. I agree with the pps who don’t class very close family as “visitors”. My brother could pitch up at three a.m. out of the blue and I would be happy to see him. I don’t have parents but if mine had been living close by when alive we would have been in and out of each other’s houses. I would be gutted if my dds didn’t feel as adults that they could come home at any point. To me op, your Mum doesn’t sound overbearing, just worried. She loves your son and knows him well, surely she will take her cue from him when she visits ?

Alsohuman agreed. I said something similar up thread. They all sound like a huge pain in the arse.

What a weird attitude.

"surely she will take her cue from him when she visits ?"

Why can't she take her cue from Op who will know whether or not her son is up to GM visiting?

" The poor little sod who’s having the surgery is completely lost in a power struggle between three overgrown children."

How ridiculously overdramatic.

The GM might not visit until the day after she wants to.

They're not all arguing at his bedside with his GM under threat of banishment!

Wow what a complete and utter non issue and a complete over reaction.

I was in a similar situation to this. I had to have major abdominal surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. I thought that I was going to have a D&C like the previous year. (I was convinced it was a miscarriage and not an etopic) My mum had gone overseas to my sister with my blessing for xmas.

My mil insisted that she visit me in person after the surgery before going to her daughter for xmas. I was still groggy from the GA. Last thing I wanted was someone looking at me with a worried look on their face while I drifted in and out of being very sleepy. No one asked me if I was up for visitors and I really just wanted my DH. Don't get me wrong she was a lovely woman and we got on well but it was really about her anxiety and satisfying herself I was ok regardless of whether or not I was up for visitors.

And op I think this is what is up with your DM it is about satisfying her need to see that her Grandson is ok first and foremost and not what is best for your son

"Flagrantly disregarding our boundaries"
Do you realise how ridiculous you sound ?

Please get over yourselves

*celticrose
Your situation could not have been more different

Alsohuman:
“It seems nobody’s even thought of asking him what he wants. Some people create their own stress.”

• Eh? On my reading this is exactly what the OP is doing, she isn’t dictating whether her son does or doesn’t have a visit from grandma, she’s saying wait and see how he feels.

Grandma is the one saying she’s coming irrespective of what he wants. They can’t ask him now either, because a) if he’s like me, he’ll be polite and feel it’s mean to say no to grandma, who he loves, b) he doesn’t know how he’ll feel after the surgery, none of them do. If you’d have told me before my op that I’d be desperate for my adored mum to go home, I’d have thought they were mad. OP was clear from the start if her son wants grandma to visit that’s fine. I think she’s right to wait and she can ask in a way that doesn’t pressure him: “Ooh! I know grandma will have lots of treats for you, she sends you a big kiss and a cuddle. Shall we have her round today or wait until tomorrow?”

What does your son want? It really is as simple as that.
Ive never found I needed strict boundaries with my parents. They turn up if they’re passing and we’re pleased to see them. We are not on show and they are not treated like ‘guests’ because they are very close family. If we’re not in or we’re busy then they don’t stay. My kids adore them and imo everybody benefits from that kind of relationship. What is the benefit of barriers and boundaries between a grandchild and a loving grandparent who loves him enough to be anxious about him having an operation?

Well you and your dh are a right pair of drama lamas, you need to stop being “furious” and calm down!
It’s a minor op and he will no doubt be bouncing around full of beans the day after. No doubt the lad will be chuffed to see Granny.
And If he’s not recovering well (unlikely) then a quick hello and Kiss from Granny is hardly going to make things worse is it?
Oh and “wild horses wouldn’t stop me” is just a turn of phrase meaning she loves him
to bits and wouldn’t dream of not visiting him. It doesn’t mean she’s disrespecting you or your dh at all!!

What boundaries is GM pushing? I'd count yourself very fortunate that you have a family that cares about you and yours so much. All the other stress happening isn't the GMs fault. Think how much better GM will feel just to pop in to see child is doing well if all goes to plan?

This thread is an object lesson in why some young couples end up going LC or NC with their parents. People refusing to listen to what the issue is. Refusing to accept that the other person has a right to have boundaries. Dismissing other people’s feelings as nonsense.

Some of you on this thread need to get a grip. Or you will be on gransnet soon complaining that you never see your grandkids and “honestly have no idea why “.

Don't understand DP being "furious" - an overreaction on his part. I would find this situation stressful too, op.

I haven't read the replies but your DS grandmother is anxious to make sure her DGS is ok after an operation. WTF is wrong with that? Wouldn't you be more concerned if grandmother showed no concern?

Jeez, sometimes parents and grandparents can't win!

Personally I don’t see the issue.

It’s not a pissing contest.

YANBU OP.

You've asked your Mum nicely on multiple occasions to hang fire on the visit. She has said no I'll be coming regardless. She's being damn right rude and has no right to demand anything.

If this was your MIL and not your DM, the responses on this thread would be YANBU.

YANBU, OP, regardless of all the people telling you that you are.

Your mum should have the sensitivity to wait to see how her grandson feels, since it is genuinely about HIM, not her, and not barge her way in because HER feelings matter more than his.

That's what it comes down to. None of this bollocks about "you're so lucky she cares" "she's not a visitor she's faaaaaammmmly" and all the rest of the emotional blackmail bollocks.

He might WANT to see her straight after, in which case no problem - but he might NOT in which case she should fucking well respect that and back the fuck off until he feels up to seeing her.

Omg drama queen. Chill. Get her to bring food whenshe visits. Tell her ovens broke. Use it to your advantage

I don’t think he needs to be ‘up to visitors’ for his grandma to see him any more that he does for his mother. He’s the child of her child and unless you don’t like her then I can’t see a problem.
Is the back story that your DP doesn’t like her and you are taking his side.
Imagine one day some man refusing access to the baby of your baby. She just wants to pop in and show her love. YABU and I really feel for your mum.

What’s your problem?! Say yes of course she can visit.,

YANBU. I don’t know if people aren’t reading any of your messages after the first one or what. This thread is bonkers, as PP have said.

OP has said her son does NOT like cuddles or cooing when he feels poorly. He doesn’t want treats or hugs from granny, or even his mum (according to OP). He likes to be left alone to sleep.

OP’s mum will talk and talk even if someone feels poorly, OP has said, which is exactly what DS will not want.

So this is EXACTLY why OP has told people, including granny, to wait and see how he feels before stopping by. And granny has completely ignored what OP has said, insisting that nothing will stop her from coming by. OP’s husband is “furious” because granny is ignoring DS’ needs and only thinking of her own; yes, parents usually get angry about that. This has nothing to do with three adults ignoring a child’s needs. It has to do with two stressed parents trying to deal with an overly dramatic relative not listening to what a child needs.

I don’t think he needs to be ‘up to visitors’ for his grandma to see him any more that he does for his mother.
But his grandma is a visitor.

He’s the child of her child
Yeah, but that makes her no less of a visitor. She doesn't live with him. She isn't his parent. She's a close relative, I'm sure she loves him enormously, if her dgs wants to see her that should happen and op has said it would, but none of that changes the fact that she can't insist on visiting.

I really don't understand a lot of these responses, but I possibly come from a different place due to my own background issues.

The OP has said no, lets see how he does and that is being ignored.

Since when does a grandparents wishes overule the parents, who have said wait and see. Instead this person is stating her wishes are more important and relevant than the OP.

As for the history, by the sound of it the DH has had enough, how many people jump to support the DIL when the MIL is overbearing?? All the time on mumsnet.

OP knows her mother and her DH knows his MIL, none of the other grandparents are demanding to see the child.

The child who is 5 an having an operation, being put under, dealing with issues post-op and he can't even get decent painkillers due to his age. A 5 yr old who reacts like any wounded creature and wants to be left alone.

Everyone should listen when someone says no, and in this case it should be respected. Listen to the OP, there is an expectation that this will cause drama for her, based on past experience. The mother of the OP has no right to insist.

Everyone saying how it shouldn't have to be checked is basing it on their own version of reality, that is not how life is for the OP. She knows her mother and she knows her son. Her DP is reacting due to his history with her and there is a reason for that. The OP doesn't want her demanding and there is a reason for that.

Yes her mother may have unresolved trauma from the OP's operation but that does not excuse her demanding and ignoring NO