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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 06/07/2019 21:34

Whilst I understand she loves him and will undoubtedly be concerned, she is putting her wants above your son’s needs.

And that simply isn’t ok.

ChicCroissant · 06/07/2019 21:37

IMO, someone who would bulldoze their way in like the OP's mum is proposing would be the type to get upset and attempt to turn the attention back to them if the grandchild got upset or didn't want to speak to them. The OP just wants to focus on her child, not her mother.

I hope his surgery goes well OP Flowers

NewYoiker · 06/07/2019 21:48

So unreasonable. People are so ridiculous sometimes desperate to have 'the family unit' but then also post about how no one will baby sit when you want to 'reconnect' with DP well I'm sorry but no one will baby sit if you don't ever let them see your child.

Yes he's your child but he's having surgery isn't it normal for grandparents to want to visit to bring something nice to say well done for being brave and then leave?

Weirdpenguin · 06/07/2019 21:53

You have a DP problem rather than a DM problem. Why is he furious because your DM wants to pop round and is concerned about your son?

nuxe1984 · 06/07/2019 22:23

She's a nurse. She wants to check on him for professional reasons apart from the fact he is her beloved gs.

ladynyland · 06/07/2019 22:28

All you can do is stay calm. So in my life at the moment my farther is in end of life care, I have one sister who does not give a shit and one sister who like me worships our farther. The sister like me lives 3 hrs away and comes down twice a week to see farther. Last night/ this morning she had a heart attack and is now in hospital 3 hrs away. We are in our late 40’s and physically fit.
I, tonight have had to negotiate with my mother (re if or if not she will visit said sister) who is home from her house in Spain. ( it’s 2 hot there in the summer) and has told me it’s my fathers fault that sister has had a heart attack and she is 2 tired to visit her as she has just spent the week In Ireland and I have not even bothered to ask if she has had a nice time !!!!
On top of this I have teenagers. Who all have their selfish individual shit going on.
Am I selfish to be drinking a bottle of f##king wine???

Original poster
BillywigSting · 06/07/2019 22:33

@mommybunny very much so!

I have no problem with her wanting to visit.

Dp only got cross after the wild horses comment.

She can visit if he isn't feeling too shit. He does not like or want attention from anyone when he feels shit.

OP posts:
Yesyouarebu · 06/07/2019 22:43

Sorry but unless there is a massive back story I think you are BU and your DO is very unreasonable. I can't imagine my mum or MIL not being able to pop in whenever. They don't need ask or even tell me they're coming. My mum would be exactly the same if my kids were having surgery and I'd be glad! Wild horses wouldn't keep her away either. I had several surgeries as a child and my gran and aunt and maybe other relatives would always visit. I loved it! Lots of sympathy and treats 😂 I feel sad for your mum tbh

Yesyouarebu · 06/07/2019 22:44

DP not DO 🤦‍♀️

EllenMP · 06/07/2019 23:52

Surely if you are anxious about the surgery because of what happened to you you would feel better having a nurse in the house to reassure you your son is ok? And it will be nice for him to have a visitor to make a fuss over how brave he was. I think your DP is the one BU. It sounds like your son has a GM who really loves him. That's a gift to him that you and his father should support.

Celticrose · 07/07/2019 00:09

@EllenMP
Read the thread. Her Ds doesn't want a fuss made of him

@Yesyouarebu

Just because you loved having visitors after your surgeries doesn't mean the op's child will be the same.

A lot of projection going on here

user1511042793 · 07/07/2019 00:42

Yabu let her visit. My mum did after my dd op for a brief few minutes then a lovely chat with me. Fast forward 25 years and imagine being told you cannot visit your grandchild.

busyhonestchildcarer · 07/07/2019 01:13

Of course she cares but at the end of the day he is your child and you can choose who sees him.It isnt selfish its putting his needs first.She can wait a few days

Topseyt · 07/07/2019 02:05

You do seem very fixated on thinking that he will be feeling shit and just sleeping and puking.

I understand that you are nervous because unfortunately that was your personal experience. Most people are fine the day after a general anaesthetic though. No reason to think that your DS won't be too. Lets hope he is.

I still just don't get the need to be furious with your mother. It was just a clumsy wording. I'd let her visit. I don't subscribe to the oft held view on here that all family need to make an appointment to visit. Just be glad if the support.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2019 02:31

FFS, the OP has NO PROBLEM with her mother visiting IF her son is feeling ok.
She has a problem with her mother REFUSING to wait to find out if the child is ok, but insisting that she WILL COME regardless.

The OP is NOT trying to keep her mother away. She is not being ungrateful, she's not being melodramatic, she just wants to do the best for her own son and her mother is trying to railroad her.

Bloody hell this thread is frustrating!

femfemlicious · 07/07/2019 02:58

If hate to be a mum or MIL of most people on mumsnet. They are meant to 'help when needed' and then stay away and say nothing about anything ever.

everyoneisasleepbutme · 07/07/2019 03:49

Some of the poorest reading comprehension I've ever seen in one thread.

plasterboots · 07/07/2019 07:07

*She came today as we have a long standing arrangement where she takes him for a swimming lesson on a Saturday and was very cool, and made a quick exit afterwards.

She is usually lovely and offers help where it's needed, keeps her distance when appropriate. But regarding medical stuff she has no self control (this is not the first time he will have been hospitalised and while it comes from a place of love but she needs to butt out)*

Really lovely granny with tons of involvement with child wants to see him post op....... whilst she's good enough to have this involvement when it suits parents, she's to remember the child belongs to you.... how horrible.

And if it's upsetting you that your DH will be in a foul mood, which will upset your recovering child, that makes him an unhelpful horrible father, don't blame that on the DGM.

plasterboots · 07/07/2019 07:09

The OP is NOT trying to keep her mother away. She is not being ungrateful, she's not being melodramatic, she just wants to do the best for her own son and her mother is trying to railroad

Talk of refusing to answer the door and her DH will be in a foul mood if DM knocks, that's melodramatic.

Sandybval · 07/07/2019 07:15

It's probably as she is/was a nurse she feels she can offer support as more than just a mother, not sure why he is quite so irate by this; you are well within your rights obviously to say no, but it seems she helps out a lot and seems normal she would like to see him post op Confused

Sandybval · 07/07/2019 07:16

More than just a grandmother*

cansu · 07/07/2019 07:24

I think that even getting involved in thus debate is an error. I am sure that if your d's was unfortunate enough to be unwell after surgery it would be very easy to deal with this then by simply saying he wasn't well enough but in actual fact most kids would be more than happy to be made a fuss of when they have been in hospital. It sounds more like a bit of a power struggle between your do and your mum tbh. I am guessing that if he was unwell she would be the kind of gran who would be helpful and caring. Don't cause tension for something so minor would be my advice. My mum can sometimes be a bit OTT but I also know she is willing to put herself out massively for her children and grandchildren.

BunsyGirl · 07/07/2019 08:10

If my mum was alive, she would be at my house on the day of the op, taking delivery of the oven, cooking up a storm, doing the washing etc...but she isn’t...you really don’t know how lucky you are OP.

swingofthings · 07/07/2019 08:29

My DD had that surgery and was indeed very poorly afterwards. She was desperate to go home that day, so begged the consultant to discharge her but she wasn't up for anything.

Her nan visited the next day but she was very sleepy and didn't say much. They was fine. She asked me about it, it really was more support for me as I was on my own. She stayed 20mns and that was that.

No big deal at all.

missyB1 · 07/07/2019 08:32

OP take a look at the thread about parents who have no family help. That might put things into perspective for you.