Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

It seems that posters who don't see members of their family as visitors can't understand that other people feel differently. Quite honestly if OPs mum is bulldozing her way in whether she is wanted or not. That would irritate me too.
I have grown up children, and I treat them and their homes with respect, and I will continue to do so if they have children of their own.
YANBU

YANBU
Annoying people who won’t take no for an answer and don’t know or care when they aren’t welcome seem to do a lot of “popping”. Popping in, popping round, popping over, pop pop pop. I find popping intrinsically irritating. Tell her to pop off.

" and alienating granny "

Why would it be alienating to tell your mum that you'll let her know when it's OK to pop round?

I actually like my mum a lot, but she can be overbearing when you're not feeling well. It's all from a place of love but I'd rather not have my 24hr post op child have to deal with that if he feels crap.

She does have a bit of form for getting her 'nurse head' on and interfering a bit, sometimes with advice that is contradictory to what Dr's have said (and she doesn't trust Dr's)

Once again, we are NOT GETTING WORKED UP ABOUT HER VISITING BUT ABOUT HER REFUSING TO ACCEPT WAIT AND SEE AS AN ANSWER.

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse (or not actually reading the thread.) I'm glad I have a thick skin

People on MN are so strange. Imagine being fuming that a child’s grandparents wanted to see them after an operation!!

This thread is bonkers.

Yanbu op. She can't insist on being there. This isn't about her. Her feelings are not the priority. Your ds is the priority and if she cares all that much she probably won't want to add to the stress of the parents of the child having surgery.

I'm not fuming about her wanting to visit.

We are cross that she is flagrantly disregarding our boundaries.

We did not say she can not visit.

We said please let us see how he is post op.

He might not even be discharged when she wants to visit (though that is unlikely)

@BillywigSting
I know and understand that your more bothered about your dms reaction to "wait and see " but is it possible that she is trying to tell you that your overreacting about DS's opp.
Yes you had this opp years ago but it has changed they will inject the muscles with a local anesthetic to minimize pain and with your permission will give him strong pain meds in suppository form ,so really won't be in pain maybe a little uncomfortable but nothing like when you had it.
I also get that you had a bad reaction to your anaesthetic but that's rare and unlikely to happen to him.
I see this as your scared of your ds going through what you did and expecting him to react the way you did, please don't worry it's not the same.
I'm saying this from a place of understanding I had these pops and so has my dd honestly the difference from when we had it done and now is huge.

And it's highly unlikely that they will keep him in overnight

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

Sorry, posted too soon!!! You are creating the drama!!! She even said she'd just pop in and out. Last week there was someone saying their dm didn't visit after a hospital visit-Nobody seems to be able to get it right!

I doubt she's trying to tell us we're overreacting. The first words out of her mouth when we told her about the op were 'omg I feel sick'.

Once again, we are NOT GETTING WORKED UP ABOUT HER VISITING BUT ABOUT HER REFUSING TO ACCEPT WAIT AND SEE AS AN ANSWER.
Sorry OP, same thing

I would be exactly the same as your DP.

The "wild horses" comment was putting him in his place. A stand must be taken.

I would have DP send a message saying "call me before you come down and I will let you know if it is OK to visit."

If she calls and all is well and DS wants her to come then say yes. Anything else and oh dear shame you didn't call, he's not up for visitors, a call would have saved you a wasted journey.

Let your DP handle the communications as I fear you are too easily browbeaten. He was put down so he has to stand up. It would be nice if you backed him up.

This kind of power play stops quickly with a brisk firm response like your DH intends. Let him get on with it. Give her an out though with the phone first option.

YABU

and the only drama here is being caused by you & your dh

flagrantly disregarding our boundaries . God, you and your DH sound really fucking hard work. Your mum has said she'll pop in briefly to see her grandchild after an op. To be expected surely. Why the massive drama

It wouldn't be a drama if the Grandmother respected the parents wishes

Exactly. A simple 'ok let me know' when we said we'll see how he is would have avoided all the drama.

Are lots of people missing the bit where OP has said that the grandmother is likely to behave in a way that will upset her grandchild?! Read the thread people!

Ie fussing when grandchild hates fuss

YANBU! And well done for prioritising what your son, the patient, may or may not want.
What you said about your son retreating into himself when ill and your mum being a talker really resonates with me.
I had a lot of surgery as a child, the first, unrelated to the later cancer, took place when I was 8. I adored my mum and had an older brother with whom to complete for her attention, so I was actually relishing the prospect of having her to myself, spoiling me. I reacted badly to the anaesthetic and to our mutual surprise and her dismay, we both discovered that I am like your son.
There were occasions over the next few years where I would end up literally crying with frustration because she was sat by my bedside, talking at me constantly and I just couldn’t bear it. I knew it was because she loved me, so that actually made it worse because I felt guilty too. She was my mum, not my mum’s mum, so her need to be there was greater and I understand it, I just wish she could have done it without talking to me relentlessly and requiring a response.
Your mum’s needs and preferences don’t take priority over your son’s at this time. If he wants to see grandma then Hurray! If he wants to be left alone then it’s his parents’ job to make sure that’s what happens.

YANBU, that would wind me up too. Maybe we'll intentioned but not necessarily helpful of your mother.

It’s a drama because all three of them are idiots.

All this talk of boundaries and putting people in their place. The poor little sod who’s having the surgery is completely lost in a power struggle between three overgrown children. It seems nobody’s even thought of asking him what he wants. Some people create their own stress.

Surely the op has been moved to a different date then don't tell her new date yet..

Alsohuman well said.