To Stop Them From Seeing Our Little Girl

[Milo2]

Hi everyone.

My husband has recently told me that when he was about 11 or 12 years old his cousin who was 20/21 at the time sexually abused him for a week whilst staying at my husbands family home.

Once the cousin and family had left my husband finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother. His mother's response was that my husband was to tell noone about this as it would mean they could no longer go on their holidays each year abroad to stay at the cousins house.

Later that year the cousin and his family were due to come back to my husbands house (as they always did at least once a year) and my husband kicked up a big fuss saying he didn't want the cousin to come back again. He begged them not to put him in his room so they let him stay somewhere else (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

My husband asked his mother to tell his aunty (her sister) about the abuse but she refused. I have however recently found out that his mother's best friend knows about it and believe his dad knows too.

Traumatised, my husband has had to live with this his whole life. Continuing to see this cousin several times a year. My husband was silenced by his parents and he buried the whole thing until recently.

The first time he remembered it was about 3 years ago when his father came to our house extremely angry and it triggered the memory. My husband was really upset as his father behaves as though my husbands feelings don't matter.

They never listened to him when he spoke up about the abuse and they continued to expose my husband and his siblings (and many other children) to this paedophile cousin.

My husband and I could really do with some advice from someone that is un-biased. We know how we feel about it all. We are horrified and disgusted. However, it doesn't seem like others feel the same.

For example the first person we have told about this is my husband's dad's girlfriend who has lived with him for 10-15 years. Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. We understand that, of course we do. But...

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour? Surely what my husbands parents did when he was 11/12 is aiding and abetting a paedophile? They continued to let him stay at their house with their children and many other children knowing what he had done! What he could potentially have done again?!! What he could be continuing to do now to this day?

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl. We would never ever leave her with him or his girlfriend. We are thinking about telling him that unless he stops supporting this paedophile cousin he may well not be able to see our baby girl anymore.

We are extremely worried about all the other children that are being exposed to this very strange cousin too. If I had my way I would be reporting him to social services. He lives in another country though.

My husband is the best father anyone one could wish for and I'm so heartbroken to know that this is what he has gone through. I've watched him be controlled and manipulated by his father for years and have often felt sorry for him. But this.... this is something else.

shock

I would report to the police so the man is hopefully stopped from having access to children.

Awful to say it, but he might have just been warming up. He may have done more with another child.

For sure @bluetrews25 My husband’s mother asked the paedophile cousin if he did it so the red flag would have been raised.

”I would report to the police so the man is hopefully stopped from having access to children.”

Already in process @Surfingtheweb

Oh dear god.

I cannot understand how anyone could even look at that man, knowing what he has done. And got away with!

Caring more about a holiday home than your child's feelings about being sexually abused :( I'm glad at least your DH has found you as his family sound shit!
Stay the hell away from these sinister people, I would!

The exact nature of the sexual contact/the exact details of what happened do not change the fact that this adult man sexually violated a child. I wouldn't fixate on the details because it's the betrayal, the invasiveness and the obvious abuse of adult/child power dynamics that are really damaging.

I was raped by someone who also admitted to having regularly abused me while I was sleeping. I actually can't tell you which feels worse to me. They're both awful.

I’m so sorry to read this @SolsticeBabyMaybe Did you go to the police?

”The exact nature of the sexual contact/the exact details of what happened do not change the fact that this adult man sexually violated a child. I wouldn't fixate on the details because it's the betrayal, the invasiveness and the obvious abuse of adult/child power dynamics that are really damaging.”

I hope my husband reads what you’ve said here as I know he doubted the seriousness of what happened to him at one point.

If I’m honest I didn’t say anything because he then went on to say ”I don’t know why he’s bringing this up now.” Then started telling me how he was having a bad day

Im not surprised it completed shocked you Milo, it's so dismissive and sadly sets the tone for any conversation you will have with him regarding this. I don't think your husband will get any apology, explanation or have his father understand as simply he doesnt want to.

The Police involvement may well make an impact.

And rape or sexual abuse or both, it's still terrible and vile.

• Many people have mentioned rape on here but I must say my husband was not raped.

He was sexually abused over the course of a week which included physical contact whilst he was asleep and indecent exposure etc.

I don’t know what all your thoughts are about this? *

I found both rape and sexual assault to be equally destructive to my mental health.

I am so sorry you are going through this.💐

The paedophile's message to the child is 'you are worthless and I can violate you if I want to' the paedophile apologist's message to the child is 'you are worthless and it doesn't matter what happens to you'
They rub salt into the wound, they compound and amplify the damage, seeing that you are down they have the urge to kick you and so they put the boot in

I don't think your FIL thinks that his son is lying. It might be that he is also involved somehow and believes his actions will come out if he confronts his child's abuser. What if your FIL abused the abuser when he was little. He is controlling and has been in a position where he was in-charge of little kids. I would not put it past him that he himself has abused kids.

Wise words by @Whosorrynow

”The paedophile's message to the child is 'you are worthless and I can violate you if I want to' the paedophile apologist's message to the child is 'you are worthless and it doesn't matter what happens to you'”
”They rub salt into the wound, they compound and amplify the damage, seeing that you are down they have the urge to kick you and so they put the boot in”

Also what you wrote on my other thread:

”Not believing someone is a way of saying 'you don't exist, I do not recognise your pain and suffering, I can't see it and I can't see you, you're not there'”

Of course we respond with fear people when those in positions of power over us are trying psychologically to obliterate us

”Im not surprised it completed shocked you Milo, it's so dismissive and sadly sets the tone for any conversation you will have with him regarding this. I don't think your husband will get any apology, explanation or have his father understand as simply he doesnt want to.”

I completely agree @NauseousMum

You will start to recognise patterns in conversations with your DFIL. Minimisation, deflection “I’ve had a bad day”, dismissive and denial “nothing happened”. These are all very powerful psychological defense mechanisms and arguing against them is absolute torture. What I found best in dealing with this is write down what you want to say to them and send it. There is no good/healthy conversation coming back to you from FIL. Accept that and say what needs to be said in the way that allows him the least possible hurtful impact back to your DH.

I am deeply concerned about your husbands fear of his DF. I think I suffered a little from that too in my similar situation. This needs to be attacked and broken down. It is a childhood legacy issue. It is not likely to be that “real” in the physical sense but to your DH it is a massive threat to his psychological well-being. It took an awful lot of work for me to neutralise that threat from my parents but particularly my DF in my scenario.

When we are children we are completely dependent on our parents for our safety and well-being when that is broken it can cause huge psychological trauma.

@Milo2 sadly my insights are born of personal experience

I agree with @Lazydaisy that the father in-law's denial and minimisation is concerning, why would anyone sympathize with and protect a paedophile? We tend to be sympathetic towards and protective of people whom we see it as similar to ourselves, he emphasizes with the Predator who attacked his son.
I also agree with @Lazydaisy here
When we are children we are completely dependent on our parents for our safety and well-being when that is broken it can cause huge psychological trauma

Realising that your parents weren't fighting your corner that they were actually actively working against you ....this is very shocking

I think the issue is that 30 years ago people didn't have the insight & information. It was simpler to hide it than make noise. What if the father was associated with a paedophile, would he lose his job etc, & if they were church goers, how would the mother hold her head up with the church flower brigade.... frightened for their standing, it was easier to say the claim was false.

I think the issue is that 30 years ago people didn't have the insight & information. It was simpler to hide it than make noise. What if the father was associated with a paedophile, would he lose his job etc, & if they were church goers, how would the mother hold her head up with the church flower brigade.... frightened for their standing, it was easier to say the claim was false

This is not 30 years ago, this is now and the same applies almost across the board today, it is much easier to hide an abuser than to call out abusive behaviour. I am not sure what your point is though.

Nothing that would condone this, ever. It was simply a thought process.

So sorry to hear your story.

You can report anonymously (even historical abuse) to the NSPCC. You are right to make these other innocent and vulnerable children’s welfare your business.

“I think the issue is that 30 years ago people didn't have the insight & information. It was simpler to hide it than make noise. What if the father was associated with a paedophile, would he lose his job etc, & if they were church goers, how would the mother hold her head up with the church flower brigade.... frightened for their standing, it was easier to say the claim was false.”

I understand what you are saying @cooldarkroom because I’ve heard people say this kind of thing before. However, it’s definitely not something I would entertain.

For example, I know someone who was ‘touched’ by a paedophile 42 years ago.

As soon as she told her mother she protected her daughter by never letting her see that man again. By telling the mans parents. By talking to her daughter about it. Why?

Because she loved her daughter. Because it’s a mother’s natural instinct to protect her child. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because she isn’t a selfish, cowardly mother. Need I go on?

My husband and I would never ignore our child if she told us she had been sexually abused.

Like I said previously, I understand what you are saying. Things were different back then. Still, if any of them come out with something like that as an excuse I won’t be entertaining it!!!

I gathered that @whosorrynow and I’m so sorry for you. Thank you for your comments and support.

Thanks again to everyone for your comments. We read them all and I try to reply to as many as I can.

Often mum duties call so I disappear before being able to respond. Some of these messages are so important too.

Especially the ones where people are sharing similar experiences. I hope no one feels dismissed.

We are so grateful to you all. The support is overwhelming.

@Milo2 your poor husband...the fact he was brave enough to speak up like he did, must've been so hard for him and a mother to put holidaying over her own child?? Shame on her!!
Your husband does not deserve these people in his life and should never of had to be so unsupported after being a victim to a predator, one of which they allowed into the home!

Personally o would have no contact at all with any of them!! If he insists he wants too, o would 100% not let my child be around them if they are willing to turn a blind eye to child abuse, and to still see this bastard cousin.
And of tour husband feels brace enough, I would encourage him to report it to the police...the rapist could still be doing this to other children, and it will be so hard for him to love it all again, but he would feel much better after knowing he reported him and stop him from putting another child through such awful things.