To Stop Them From Seeing Our Little Girl

[Milo2]

Hi everyone.

My husband has recently told me that when he was about 11 or 12 years old his cousin who was 20/21 at the time sexually abused him for a week whilst staying at my husbands family home.

Once the cousin and family had left my husband finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother. His mother's response was that my husband was to tell noone about this as it would mean they could no longer go on their holidays each year abroad to stay at the cousins house.

Later that year the cousin and his family were due to come back to my husbands house (as they always did at least once a year) and my husband kicked up a big fuss saying he didn't want the cousin to come back again. He begged them not to put him in his room so they let him stay somewhere else (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

My husband asked his mother to tell his aunty (her sister) about the abuse but she refused. I have however recently found out that his mother's best friend knows about it and believe his dad knows too.

Traumatised, my husband has had to live with this his whole life. Continuing to see this cousin several times a year. My husband was silenced by his parents and he buried the whole thing until recently.

The first time he remembered it was about 3 years ago when his father came to our house extremely angry and it triggered the memory. My husband was really upset as his father behaves as though my husbands feelings don't matter.

They never listened to him when he spoke up about the abuse and they continued to expose my husband and his siblings (and many other children) to this paedophile cousin.

My husband and I could really do with some advice from someone that is un-biased. We know how we feel about it all. We are horrified and disgusted. However, it doesn't seem like others feel the same.

For example the first person we have told about this is my husband's dad's girlfriend who has lived with him for 10-15 years. Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. We understand that, of course we do. But...

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour? Surely what my husbands parents did when he was 11/12 is aiding and abetting a paedophile? They continued to let him stay at their house with their children and many other children knowing what he had done! What he could potentially have done again?!! What he could be continuing to do now to this day?

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl. We would never ever leave her with him or his girlfriend. We are thinking about telling him that unless he stops supporting this paedophile cousin he may well not be able to see our baby girl anymore.

We are extremely worried about all the other children that are being exposed to this very strange cousin too. If I had my way I would be reporting him to social services. He lives in another country though.

My husband is the best father anyone one could wish for and I'm so heartbroken to know that this is what he has gone through. I've watched him be controlled and manipulated by his father for years and have often felt sorry for him. But this.... this is something else.

shock

Christ, this turned my stomach. Your poor husband. His family are repellent. They put their desire for a regular holiday destination above his well-being.

He may not feel like he wants to report it and that's entirely down to him. But I certainly don't think as a family you would be out of order to cut all of the offenders out of your lives and by that, I do mean everyone who knew about it and was complicit in covering it up.

@Bluerussian what planet are you on? ‘don’t cut them off because they’ll feel bad about it’ what?
They tolerated an abuser in their home so they could have access to a holiday home. They are as bad as the abuser for allowing this.
You are bonkers.

@Bluerussian That's a bag of bollocks. If they didn't support their son at the time then why the Hell should he protect their feelings now?

@Bluerussian They didn't support their son ant the time and are still hosting the abuser, they clearly don't feel any remorse for their actions.

What does your DH want to do? If he wants to report them, then support him.

If he doesn't, I would have anything to do with ANY of them every again.

Really sorry this happened to your DH. Don't let DD anywhere near any of them.

I'm afraid I wouldn't let any child within half a mile of him. Is there any way you could possibly persuade your dh that he needs to report this historic abuse to the police?

Your dad's partner keeping an eye on the abuser is not enough protection, abusers are very devious and he has already got away with it at least once.

I would go to the parents of the kids directly, how would you feel if the y didn't protect your baby in a similar circumstance.

It is amazing how many families minimise and cover up abuse. I was taken aside and warned that a distant cousin "liked young girls" when my DD was a teenager. Because he is a distant relative I rarely saw him and didn't know the back story but it was obvious something had happened and the family stood by him.

YANBU. My children would never go near the cousin and I wouldn't ever leave them unsupervised with those in your family who turned a blind eye either as I couldn't trust them to protect my children.

At the very leave you must tell anyone in the family with children, but I would report him. It isn't the easy route but this isn't about his family but the children who could be abused by this person

do not let him near your child. Your husband should go to the police.

Has your husband spoken to his siblings and asked if they also suffered abuse by your cousin? It may help if he has their support.

OP, utterly appalling.

You DH's family pimped him out for the use of a holiday home.

Jesus Christ, just when you think you have heard it all.

Your poor, poor husband.

How utterly devastating for him.

His parents would never see my children. Ever. They are disgusting people.

It would be fantastic if your husband was able to go to the police to help protect any children whom his cousin might have access to.

It might help your husband to know that he has helped and protected others.

This repulsive individual has got away with this for years, with probably dozens of victims, because of your in-laws silence.

Despicable people.

@Milo2 I have sent you a PM

This repulsive individual has got away with this for years, with probably dozens of victims, because of your in-laws silence.

Exactly correct, there will be countless victims thanks to their need for a fucking free holiday thrice a year.

So very sorry for your poor DH, OP. As others have said, it's a lifelong betrayal, by both the abuser and the rest of the family (his parents, the very people who are supposed to be his protectors, his first line of defence) enabling, minimising and covering up the abuse - effectively siding with his tormentor against him. Just sickening. I can't begin to imagine the level of emotional damage he must be suffering.

YADNBU to keep your child away from these people - all of them. To the poster who suggested it might not be in your daughter's interests to cut her off from her grandparents - are you on fucking glue?! They were parents who knowingly enabled abuse of their own child (possibly children) - they're not fit to be entrusted with ANY child, ever.

OP, there have been threads like this before, with posters querying their instincts to protect their children from proven and convicted predatory relatives who are still accepted by the wider family and felt to be 'harmless'. The responses, particularly from posters with experience of dealing with paedophiles - often working in support & rehab services - were chilling. They don't change. You can't 'keep an eye' on them.

Stay away. Keep your little girl safe, try if you can to warn or protect any other at-risk children, and look after your poor husband. A family like his isn't worth having.

Your poor, poor husband.
He has been systematically failed by people who should have protected him.

I have been part of a similar situation so understand some of the complex dynamics that are at play.
My cousin was abused by a family member and my aunt and uncle covered it up then when they couldn’t ignore or conceal it any more they refused to discuss it under the guise of “catholic forgiveness”

Your husband will likely desperately want these people to see the light.
The brutal truth is: They won’t.
It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient for them.
If pushed they will likely ostracise him (yes I realise this is bananas but basically he is the problem/making a scene and out of sight is out of mind)

I would consider going NC honestly, their behaviour is disgusting.
If you want contact:

• NEVER leave your child alone with the father and GF. they cannot be trusted.

-if the cousin ever comes to the house when you are there - pack up and leave. Doesn’t matter what you are doing middle of dinner / start of a movie... LEAVE.

paedophiles rely on social niceties and abuse people’s propensity to “be nice” and “not make a scene” heavily.
They are highly skilled and can and do abuse children when other adults are around.

I would report it and have nothing to do with them again. If your DH cannot do that then its up to him but you have the right not to see them and stop your child from being near them too.

@Bluerussian what a disgusting thing to say. How would you know that they would feel bad? If they felt bad, there's been nothing stopping them from saying so up to now! They are now hosting the abuser, so clearly feel no remorse!
Are you OP's DH's father? Dh's gf? other relative who knew about abuse but did nothing to stop it? Vile.

I'm so sorry for your husband OP, you aren't being unreasonable and their behaviour is disgraceful.
Unfortunately some people will never understand the seriousness of sexual abuse.
I was abused by my brother and his friends - I was 7, they were 14/15. Every year we could go on holiday and to save money my parents would have me and my brother share a double room.
I finally got the courage to tell my mum what had happened when I was 14.
I was told not to tell anyone, she asked me why i let it happen and that year the usual.hokiday scenario was booked, as it was for the next 4 or 5.

Not trying to derail- just to say that some people.will.go to great lengths to pretend it's all fine.

OP's DH's father's gf I mean, of course

Fucking hell, he was a threat then (God only knows how many others he may have abused) and he's a threat now. You and your dh are 100% not being unreasonable. Protect your dh from those memories, protect any young people from further abuse at his hands, report him to social services. He cannot be allowed to continue to have access to children and cast a continuing cloud over your dog's life. Your priority is your family - your dh and dd. His family have failed to protect your dh and continue to turn a blind eye.

DH's life

Your DD can NOT, under any circumstances, be allowed to grow up thinking grandad is a safe person. He isn’t.

He didn’t protect his son. He doesn’t respect his son. He will not protect your DD.

Even if he said (unlikely) that he would cut off other family members, you can’t trust him. And please, don’t hurt your DH further by thinking he would ever choose you DD over his extended family. He had that choice years ago, he chose pedophile over his own flesh and blood.

Please cut those ties yourself, your DD has no business being involved with the entire bunch of them. You owe them nothing. If anyone in that family ever asks why be sure to tell them.

I hope you and your DH get counselling and support. Xx

I've been think about this.

Wouldn't you just love to say to absolutely ANYONE who asked about your in-laws.

"We don't have anything to do with them, to protect our child.
They allowed DH to be abused for years after he told them, so they could have a holiday in the Abusers family's holiday home."

If your dh wishes he could report this, his family would have to listen then. Otherwise I'm not sure what you can do, simply calling people could result in people accusing you or spreading unsubstantiated rumours. This sort of abuse does drive families apart, but you need to look at the wider good reporting this crime could do. As far as risk to your dc, a young adult assaulting a 12 year old isn't the same as a baby, and you would never leave her in their care.

Now I don't want to think I'm trying to excuse his actions, they were criminal, but it's possible that as a young adult he was pretty confused about age and consent, he may now have addressed this. I strongly advise contacting the authorities over just telling people yourselves, the police would investigate and establish if he is still a risk

Oh gosh OP, please do follow your instincts and don’t continue to allow this individual to get away with causing others more pain.

My heart really goes out to you and your husband, what a horrible position to be in, but children need protecting and must always come first even if it means damaging relationships with other adults. I hope you manage to find help from some of the organisations mentioned before and that this nasty individual isn’t allowed to ruin any more lives.