To Stop Them From Seeing Our Little Girl

[Milo2]

Hi everyone.

My husband has recently told me that when he was about 11 or 12 years old his cousin who was 20/21 at the time sexually abused him for a week whilst staying at my husbands family home.

Once the cousin and family had left my husband finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother. His mother's response was that my husband was to tell noone about this as it would mean they could no longer go on their holidays each year abroad to stay at the cousins house.

Later that year the cousin and his family were due to come back to my husbands house (as they always did at least once a year) and my husband kicked up a big fuss saying he didn't want the cousin to come back again. He begged them not to put him in his room so they let him stay somewhere else (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

My husband asked his mother to tell his aunty (her sister) about the abuse but she refused. I have however recently found out that his mother's best friend knows about it and believe his dad knows too.

Traumatised, my husband has had to live with this his whole life. Continuing to see this cousin several times a year. My husband was silenced by his parents and he buried the whole thing until recently.

The first time he remembered it was about 3 years ago when his father came to our house extremely angry and it triggered the memory. My husband was really upset as his father behaves as though my husbands feelings don't matter.

They never listened to him when he spoke up about the abuse and they continued to expose my husband and his siblings (and many other children) to this paedophile cousin.

My husband and I could really do with some advice from someone that is un-biased. We know how we feel about it all. We are horrified and disgusted. However, it doesn't seem like others feel the same.

For example the first person we have told about this is my husband's dad's girlfriend who has lived with him for 10-15 years. Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. We understand that, of course we do. But...

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour? Surely what my husbands parents did when he was 11/12 is aiding and abetting a paedophile? They continued to let him stay at their house with their children and many other children knowing what he had done! What he could potentially have done again?!! What he could be continuing to do now to this day?

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl. We would never ever leave her with him or his girlfriend. We are thinking about telling him that unless he stops supporting this paedophile cousin he may well not be able to see our baby girl anymore.

We are extremely worried about all the other children that are being exposed to this very strange cousin too. If I had my way I would be reporting him to social services. He lives in another country though.

My husband is the best father anyone one could wish for and I'm so heartbroken to know that this is what he has gone through. I've watched him be controlled and manipulated by his father for years and have often felt sorry for him. But this.... this is something else.

shock

I would suggest your dh call the NSPCC

Keep your children as far away from this family as humanly possible.
They are all disgusting if they know about the abuse and are still happy for children to be around this man.

"I'll keep an eye on him" doesn't work - by the time she realises it would be too late and your child would be another of his victims.

Would your husband be prepared to go to the police?
I'm so glad he felt comfortable enough to tell you about it

to you and your DH OP, I reported my abuser 35 years after the abuse, it was horrible to talk about after all that time but holding it in had left me mentally and emotionally in tatters. It was a similar situation to your DH, it was a family member and I was instructed never to speak of it.

Please support your DH in speaking to a therapist and do not leave your DC in the care of these people. All this nonsense of "keeping an eye out" is ridiculous, by having this person in the home they are sending the message to the kids that this adult is safe to be around, what happens if they see him outside the home without other adults? They are setting these kids up to be abused, awful.

I think there are two issues that come into play here. The first is that in their heart of hearts the people you tell don't believe the victim, or at least have a different view of what constitutes abuse. The second is that they just don't want to deal with the embarrassment and gossip that would follow if the abuser was reported and say, prosecuted. In the final analysis, it's all about them and their feelings and they're not able to set those aside, threaten the family equilibrium and do the right thing. It's sickening. There's nowhere more dangerous for women and children than their own homes with the people they know, and we all would do well to be more alive to that.

If that was me they'd never see my child. And how his parents can over ride this acting like it never happened to their own child shocks me. All so they don't miss out on holidays etc. Quite disgusting tbf, I wouldn't allow them into my home what so ever

Has your poor husband had no counselling over all this? It sounds as if that is really needed.

It has to be his decision, but I think he should go to the police and explain the situation. If these offences took place in the UK the perpetrator can be arrested and interviewed, and social services and police can safeguard the other children in the family.

Can your husband talk to his siblings about this? They may have similar experiences.

Your husband needs to seek help/counselling to let him decide what he wants to do.

Report to social services

You/your DH have to say something to police/social services.
You know information so so important that everyone else wants to bury and they are putting other vulnerable children at risk. Be the people to at least try to stop this. Your DH knows how traumatic this is so don't let it happen to others.
Has he spoken to his younger siblings to see if anything ever happened to them? They may corroborate his story.

Enabling a pedophile is just as bad as being one IMO.
Your poor husband, his family are fucking disgusting.

You’d be unreasonable to allow your child a place in the lives of these morons.

Of course YANBU. I'd go a step further and report this to protect the other children.

Its shocking that in these situations, so often not her family members will just ignore the issues and continue allowing the dangerous person around , simply to preserve the happy family image

It's actually sick.

You sound like the only sane ones around.

Do not by any means trust the father or the girlfriend with your child at all, or anyone else who has supported enabling the pedo cousin.
Even if it was 10/15 years ago.
Your have complete valid reason to not allow your child to be exposed to any of their denial bullshit. Even on 'neutral' terms. Neutrality takes he side of the oppressor

Also tell the social services whenever the peso cousin comes to stay

And the police

And the other kids parents

Etc etc

YANBU

To be honest, I don’t know what I’d do but I definitely wouldn’t let my DD near them!

I'm so sorry your DH had that experience - not just the abuse but the subsequent dismissal of his trauma and feelings, that's outrageous.
I hope that your DH can find it in himself to report them, to the police, social services or whomever - I wouldn't have that pervert anywhere near any children I knew.

I wouldn't want anything to do with people who don't take pedophilia seriously and are happy to have one in their bloody home. How horrible for your husband to have such shit useless parents. It's not too late to report it.

This is awful. Your poor dh. He has been badly let down. Yanbu at all. Please consider reporting him to the police. Perhaps he can be arrested when he enters the country. As an adult your husband can now make his own choices.

REPORT him. It doesn't matter how long ago this was he was an adult when he assaulted your DH. Please protect the other children.

No way would I let my child near the cousin, in any situation at all. That a certain.
I would raise the issue with all if the parents of the possible children he may come into contact with. That's another certain
Would I go to the police, I would like to think so.

Now about your DD seeing her nan and grandad, I think I'm am torn. I completely understand why you husband would be furious and may want to stop her contact. But is that best for DD

I suppose the question is.....is the grandad a threat to DD it would I be out if anger at what happened abs punishment for that.

I never agree in using children as a weapon or to punish another person who has behaved badly, so long as the child is not in dander.

Sorry posted too soon

But in your situation I think I would be furious, and I am honestly not quite sure how i would react, sorry not much help.

They played nice with their son's abuser so that they could use a holiday home?

They are all utterly disgusting.

It's a given that your husband wouldn't want to see his cousin & a real shame that he is bothering himself to take his parents feelings into account when they failed him in the most shocking way possible.

Your daughter needs protecting from abusers & their apologists.

My dh family also protected a paedophile, his uncle. One of his victims, my dh cousin, killed herself. Your dh doesn’t have to report anything if he doesn’t want to but I wouldn’t let my child near anyone who protected an abuser the way your in laws did. You have my sympathies.

I honestly cannot understand these so called families who would try and hush such serious matters up to avoid loss of luxuries or embarassment to themselves. How can anyone have such a lack of empathy and greedy entitlement that they were prepared to sacrifice their own child, because this is exactly what it is.

And it continues. How do they know that he has not abused again? And if he has, will they stand by again and let it continue. This makes them complicit in the abuse and are guilty themselves.

Sorry op, but I would not entertain these people ever again. I am so very sorry for your dh who was left alone to suffer. Thank God he has you.

Only he can decide what to do now. He can choose to report and lose his unlovely family and go through the stress of proceedings or he can move on with his life ensuring his dd's safety and cutting them off. He can be happy.

Never let them near your child again and do not ever feel guilty about it. I think this has made me more angry than any thread I have ever read on MN.

Your poor DH, what awful things to go through, and be betrayed by your own parents. I hope he is ok. Please consider counselling if it might help.

I agree with you 5 million per cent.
I would not let DH's father or gf near my daughter, ever. He has proven himself utterly untrustworthy.
I would tell all the other parents whose children might come in contact with this paedophile cousin what the cousin did. Probably the police, social services, nspcc too - but if he doesn't have a conviction, I'm not sure if they can do much.
If I were your DH, I would probably go no contact with his father. The father sounds toxic - betraying, untrustworthy, aggressive, controlling etc. No loss to stop contact with that person, only gains.

You are not being unreasonable, not one bit!

Tell your parents in law, quite plainly, that you will not entertain the cousin because you know what happened and you believe your husband when they didn't. They won't argue with you. However, don't cut them off because they will no doubt feel bad about it; in the past, lots of parents didn't believe their children - they just couldn't believe it themselves! Such things were not talked about then and less was known. They will be more clued up now and very sad they didn't support their son at the time.

Regarding the paedo cousin, he should be reported to the police. Children are in danger as long as he is free. The police take historical child abuse seriously nowadays. Who knows how many others he has molested, before and after your husband?

Good luck .

This is awful, I feel for your poor husband.
I wouldn’t let my children anywhere near him but also, he needs reporting, how can we know he hasn’t done this before or will again? It’s a horrible situation but I think once you’re aware of a situation like this, you have a responsibility to do something about it to protect other children.
‘Keeping an eye on him’ isn’t enough!!