To Stop Them From Seeing Our Little Girl

[Milo2]

Hi everyone.

My husband has recently told me that when he was about 11 or 12 years old his cousin who was 20/21 at the time sexually abused him for a week whilst staying at my husbands family home.

Once the cousin and family had left my husband finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother. His mother's response was that my husband was to tell noone about this as it would mean they could no longer go on their holidays each year abroad to stay at the cousins house.

Later that year the cousin and his family were due to come back to my husbands house (as they always did at least once a year) and my husband kicked up a big fuss saying he didn't want the cousin to come back again. He begged them not to put him in his room so they let him stay somewhere else (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

My husband asked his mother to tell his aunty (her sister) about the abuse but she refused. I have however recently found out that his mother's best friend knows about it and believe his dad knows too.

Traumatised, my husband has had to live with this his whole life. Continuing to see this cousin several times a year. My husband was silenced by his parents and he buried the whole thing until recently.

The first time he remembered it was about 3 years ago when his father came to our house extremely angry and it triggered the memory. My husband was really upset as his father behaves as though my husbands feelings don't matter.

They never listened to him when he spoke up about the abuse and they continued to expose my husband and his siblings (and many other children) to this paedophile cousin.

My husband and I could really do with some advice from someone that is un-biased. We know how we feel about it all. We are horrified and disgusted. However, it doesn't seem like others feel the same.

For example the first person we have told about this is my husband's dad's girlfriend who has lived with him for 10-15 years. Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. We understand that, of course we do. But...

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour? Surely what my husbands parents did when he was 11/12 is aiding and abetting a paedophile? They continued to let him stay at their house with their children and many other children knowing what he had done! What he could potentially have done again?!! What he could be continuing to do now to this day?

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl. We would never ever leave her with him or his girlfriend. We are thinking about telling him that unless he stops supporting this paedophile cousin he may well not be able to see our baby girl anymore.

We are extremely worried about all the other children that are being exposed to this very strange cousin too. If I had my way I would be reporting him to social services. He lives in another country though.

My husband is the best father anyone one could wish for and I'm so heartbroken to know that this is what he has gone through. I've watched him be controlled and manipulated by his father for years and have often felt sorry for him. But this.... this is something else.

shock

They are disgusting people and you really dont need them in your life.
I was mildly abused by a family friend as a child and reported it, one half of our family have had nothing to do with me since as they thought I made it up.
Aged 56 he moved to Thailand and married a 16 year old. Yet certain cousins still think he is an alright fella!
They are no loss to me. I know I did the dight thing.
Please, please stand up to him for the sake of all the other children he has abused and all those whom he will continue to abuse.

They would never see my children again. Not only because of the risk but because I’d have nothing to do with people this utterly vile.

Been through a smiliar situation, I had to see younger family members sitting on this man's lap who had taken advantage of me when I was young. Alot of family members knew about this but done nothing, I did hear a cousin of mine did thump him years ago not sure if that's true, all come to a head 3 years ago when I saw my Neice was tagged in a photo where he was also tagged, I hit the roof, maybe a trigger, I rang brother and told him I'm going to the police and I'm mentioning all the names of people who knew and did nothing as I belive is a criminal offence in itself now, I told him he disgusts me and that if ever my Neice wants to know why I have gone nc with them all I shall tell her the truth, they harboured a paedophile.
I didn't go to police in the end, historic abuse is so difficult in my case, no evidence / witnesses, long and short is you cut contact with all involved to protect your baby. I hope hubby is OK, its awful x

So saddened to read this

I think your husband needs some support to help him face it and empower you both

I get that he doesn’t want to lose his family but he needs some support to firmly articulate where he stands on this . And when a large family completely dismiss this behaviour it can completely fuck with your head

He is lucky to have you holding him and most critically believing him

I would have nothing to do with a paedophile. I would also have nothing to do with a paedophile protector, enabler or apologist.

Exactly what @StepAwayFromGoogle said.

They would never see my children. It’s up to your DH if he wants to cut contact on his behalf, but there’s absolutely no chance in hell his parents would have ANYTHING to do with our children. And I’d tell them exactly why. Disgusting

As Pp have said, I’d have nothing at all to do with any single person who had ignored my husband’s abuse. Either at the time, or now because they don’t want to rock the boat. They would get zero contact with my child. Not the grandad’s gf either, as again she can’t be trusted to protect a child, none of them can. I would also be reporting and insist on therapy for your husband. He’s having to cope with not only the horrendous abuse, but the betrayal of the people he should have been able to trust. Even now they’re still hurting him. They’re absolute scumbags and I would never have so much as a cup of ea with them ever again. If someone told me now that my husband had covered up abuse years ago, I think I would actually kill him. It’s disgusting and bloody evil. How they did that to their son, they offered him up for abuse like a sacrificial lamb, they want locking up the lot of them.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and posting useful links. Most of you have confirmed that I am not alone with how I feel about this. I was worried that my first thought of 'I don't want my husband's dad or girlfriend anywhere near my child' was irrational.

It's difficult for me as I'm on my own, supporting my husband who is the victim.

Reading your posts on here has made me realise that I'm right in thinking we should report the paedophile to the police and social services, let parents know and stop my husband's father and girlfriend having access to our daughter. Especially as my husband has admitted tonight that he's scared of his dad. I already knew that though.

Just to clarify, my husband and I had already decided that we would never see the paedophile again. Even if it means avoiding weddings etc.

My husbands father always rings us to bring the paedophile to our house and we have to buy him coffee and cakes ready for when he arrives. (Shocking I know - bearing in mind I had no idea what he had done).

Obviously that's not happening anymore but we think they'll still try to come over as my husband's father is very forceful. I won't write what my husband has instructed me to say if they do dare come to our door!!!

I agree that my husband could consider therapy. It's not something he wants to do right now though. This poor man is totally overwhelmed. I showed him this thread (and another that I posted) and it's probably making it all too real.

Purpleboy - Does my husband's father pose a threat to our daughter? Yes, in the sense that he is continuing to aid and abet a paedophile. What is our reason for not wanting them to have a relationship? The above, amongst other things such as favouring one of his daughters. setting up bank accounts for her children and nothing for ours. That kind of thing. The list is a long. Does my husband want a relationship with his dad? Yes, I think so. he is his dad after all. I would never tell my husband what he should or shouldn't do. It's his choice. Our daughter is another matter though.... (obviously his choice too but her safety comes above everything and everyone as far as I'm concerned).

Flobella - My husband's father used to be a teacher and his girlfriend worked in social services as a PA. I never expected this from either of them. I'm so disgusted at the lack of support. I expect they know all about duty of care. In answer to your question - I don't know if the paedophile comes into contact with children via hobbies or his profession.

I'll continue to reply to you all as I'm so grateful for your help. Some of your stories are heartbreaking too.

IvanaPee
"They would never see my children again. Not only because of the risk but because I’d have nothing to do with people this utterly vile."

Exactly how I feel right now. I was feeling guilty about it though as this is my husband's family we are talking about. It must be awful for him. His whole world is being blown apart here. I need to protect him too.

theWarOnPeace
"It’s disgusting and bloody evil".

The exact words I used when my husband told me. I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. I'm so heartbroken for him.

You would be unreasonable to let them anywhere near your DC.
What normal people, who care about the welfare of children, knowingly let a paedophile move amongst these children, have access to these children. What PARENTS let anyone that has abused their child walk away without consequences.
They do not have your DC's best interests at heart. Kick up a big fuss, let everyone know, notify the authorities and keep your babies away.

Lovely lady at my old church was horrifically abused as a child by her aunts boyfriend of 5 months, her family sided with this 'delightful' man and thought she, a child, had made it up. I do not speak to this woman anymore but every time I think of it my blood absolutely boils with rage for her

And I am so sorry your husband went through this, and I'm sorry you're on your own supporting him as a victim. Sending lots of love OP

That poor lady loveyou3000. Why families support paedophiles over their own children or relatives I'll never know.

Thank you.

I'm a victim of historic sexual abuse as a child,mine went on for years and the guilty party have never had to pay for what they did to me.

But there is hope for your DH,getting some help if/when he feels upto it can help,it took me years but i finally started talking to someone at the Samaritans and I can honestly say it has really helped me,you don't have to talk to someone over the phone,I couldn't say the words out loud so I use they're email service and it has started helping lift some of the weight of what had happened to me from my shoulders.

I'm so sorry to read this ohtheholidays. I'm glad the Samaritans are helping you. Good advice.

So many people have commented about their abuse and we've read them all. Thanks again to everyone that has taken the time to post, especially when you or a relative has suffered too. I wish I could reply to you all!

His mother brushed it under the carpet, because she'd lose out on her precious family holidays. Shes as bad and sick as that disgusting beast.
If you'd have said. His mum brushed him off and denied it.
I'd think maybe she doesn't want to believe it. Therefore her defence is to run away from it.
Not even over my dead body would a paedo and paedo apologists be going within a decillion miles of my child.
He's probably still noncing around now.
I can confidently say that the YANBUs will be unanimous.

100% YANBU. I'd be going to the police

Agree with others, report to police.

So very sorry your husband has had to deal with such trauma alone. His family, aside from you, need a big reality check! I would tell his family under no circumstances would they be allowed to see your daughter until this pedo is banished! And I would suggest your husband get counseling to work through what happened to him. My sympathy and prayers are with you.

Your poor dh and poor you too. You should think about counselling too to help you support your husband and your own mental health. If you report to thd police and go nc, if his dad tries getting angry or violent you can call the police on him, and if it's multiple time ask the police about harassment charges which will help keep him away.

I would be cutting off every single one who knew. Your poor dh trusted them, managed to get together strength to ask for protection and not only did they ignore it, they essentially prostituted him for a holiday. There are no words, swear or otherwise, string enough to describe them.

Can you block them all now? The parents of the children at risk, ask the police about warning them.

As a pp said, this is a perfect response to any flying monkey family members ""We don't have anything to do with them, to protect our child. They allowed DH to be abused for years after he told them, so they could have a holiday in the Abusers family's holiday home."

Just mirroring what pp have said. My family thought I was making it up for attention too. My mum didntvdivorce my stepfather for TWO YEARS after I told her (and only then was that because he's beaten her up yet again) and just told me to "stay away" from him.

I hope your husband has some way of getting help to heal.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your DH. I feel so sad for the young boy he was and going to his Mum who should be the person to help him and she didn't.

Where is his mum now ?

What country does the Paedophile Cousin live in ?

I really think if your DH feels he can then he should report this abuse.
I would imagine he isn't the only victim

Milo2 report this to the police. I was abused by my stepfather for 10 years. After I left home I stayed quiet not wanting to cause trouble and destroy the family. When my brother had a daughter and I found out she was going to be left with my mum and sf I couldn't stay quiet anymore. I went to the police and most of my family supported my sf. I found out later that surprise surprise he has abused his sister and a friend's daughter before me. I am so bloody angry at them for staying quiet knowing he lived with young girls. I consider them partly responsible for my abuse. Despite the effect on my family I'm glad I went to the police. Do the same - even though you know you'll get no support and will be considered trouble makers.