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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why some women don't attempt breastfeeding?

999 replies

Lottle · 05/07/2019 11:26

Just being nosy. Perhaps too nosy....

Just wondered why some mums don't give breastfeeding a try. I totally get why people may not do it for long, just curious as to why some don't try at all.

One friend happened to mention (I didn't ask) "it wasn't for me" but I wasn't sure what that meant but of course I didn't probe, so probing you lot instead. Don't know if it's too cheeky to ask though!

OP posts:
HorridHenrysNits · 05/07/2019 12:53

I do know women who wanted to breastfeed but simply found they couldn't muster up the energy after long and mismanaged labours. Its ironic there's so much worry about sections interfering with feeding, when in some cases a well timed CS might've made an individual woman more likely to do it.

GrapefruitIsGross · 05/07/2019 12:54

These threads always end in a bunfight.

You get the sanctimonious breastfeeders talking about how they feel sorry for babies who haven’t been BF, FFing mums whose backs are up and feel they need to justify their feeding methods and get very defensive.

And there’s those of us who mix feed/fed sitting at the back getting eyed suspiciously from both sides.

No one outside of our parenting bubble gives a shit.

My kids are never going to get annoyed at me for not ebf/sorely formula feeding, none of us are answerable to anyone else.

qj17 · 05/07/2019 12:54

I just don't want to simple as that.

ethelfleda · 05/07/2019 12:55

YANBU to wonder, OP.

I sometimes wonder how much is to do with NHS guidelines around having a drink. I’ve known people say they didn’t BF because they’d already spent 9 months not being able to drink and wanted to let their hair down - I wonder if they might have felt different if they knew that you actually can drink when BF...

swingofthings · 05/07/2019 12:56

Op you sound as ignorant as a friend of mine who doesnt understand why a woman would never want children
I don't think it is ignorant at all to wonder and want to understand it does. It doesn't offend me at all.Maybe OP understand better now why some people don't and as a result feel less likely to judge if she ever did in the first place.

TruthOnTrial · 05/07/2019 12:56

x2boys because it's just genuine interest?

There is nothing judged in the OP, the opposite.

It's something I wonder too, not so that I can make a judgement on those who choose not to, or can't,.

It's a different thing, you are conflating the two.
There was one that I personally knew who couldn't make it with the bf, despite her best efforts, and it was a huge challenge for her, she felt very bad, and I think possibly a bit isolated because everyone else was. Those around her felt for her when they were bf too.

I still thought bf was the right thing to do where possible, and I certainly didn't judge her! They are too separate things.

A question is just that, a question...

HairyFloppins · 05/07/2019 12:56

I didn't want to.

HorridHenrysNits · 05/07/2019 12:56

Yes grapefruit, nobody ever spares a thought for the poor mixed feeders! Or the exclusive pumpers, and my gosh, they'd have every right to tell us all to sit down and shut up on the subject of faff.

x2boys · 05/07/2019 12:57

Actually yes Valanice I have a severely autistic nine year old and whilst pot noodles and ice cream probably isn't the best diet some days that's all he eats and as he is tiny for his age fed is best for him, but I digress , formula isn't junk food it's a perfectly good substitute for breast milk for people who don't breast feed for a variety of reasons

crispysausagerolls · 05/07/2019 12:57

I think it’s a valid question (you know, out of internet, not to judge or because it’s anyone’s business) and I am also curious. Mostly because it’s what we are biologically programmed to do alongside the pregnancy and labour etc. Doesn’t mean it always works and doesn’t mean people “have to”, but it’s interesting why not try. It literally never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t do it.

ethelfleda · 05/07/2019 12:57

When I was pregnant, some colleagues of mine asked if I was going to BF. I said yes, I was. One of them actually physically shuddered and said ‘I don’t know how you could, I could bare it’
I mean, that’s her opinion but I didn’t think actually shuddering was necessary.

sevsnrems · 05/07/2019 12:57

With my first born i didn't want to but was pressured by my midwife into trying. I did it or a week and hated it. I then stopped. My second I didn't even try. I don't know why I was so against the idea. I just did not like the idea of having to breast feed. Once I tried it i realized how much I hated it and so I stopped.

Sorry, probably not very useful information.. :)

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 05/07/2019 12:57

@TruthOnTrial

Well, it answered the OP's question. However, I admit to being vaguely obtuse as I felt that the question was (ever so slightly) having a dig at those women who simply choose not to. That's all really.

teaandbiscuits89 · 05/07/2019 12:57

@coconut

I'll give you a list...
No need to faff to get the right latch
No need to bother with easy access clothes etc
Anyone could feed my baby and give me a break
I knew exactly how much I was feeding
No need to find a comfortable secluded spot, propped up etc
Could have a night away easily without worrying about expressing
No freezing dating labelling

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 12:58

Ive only spoken to 3 people who didn’t at least try. One said she didn’t want saggy boobs. To me this is an odd one because I bf and my boobs are not saggy (although did take over a year to go back to normal). I also know women who formula fed that complain about saggy boobs just from pregnancy.

Another said she didn’t want to as the thought of it repulsed her.

The third was just because it wasn’t the norm in hers and her dps family and it was just assumed she’d formula feed so she went with it. I think reason this can play a big part in it for a lot of women. I breastfed but no one else in my family had (friends and dhs had though) and my family really thought it was odd and we’re quite uncomfortable with me feeding in front of them at first.

CatG85 · 05/07/2019 12:58

I'm currently pg and up until very recently was adamant I wasn't breastfeeding purely because I didn't like the idea of the baby sucking on my nipple - I felt it would be a weird experience. This is my first so I can only go on how my own brain works. I also didn't like the idea of the awkwardness of trying to find suitable feeding places when out etc and liked the idea of DH being able to help with night feeds.
However, in the last couple of weeks I've done some research and had a change of heart. The ease of night feeds and also the cost implications really appeal to me. The ability to express and freeze and not having to warm bottles if we don't want to is all pro's I didn't know before as well. So I'm hoping I feel comfortable and am able to even do it but if not then I can't, not the end of the world.
My midwives have said there really is little if any difference in breast milk to formula these days so I'll listen to them over the conspiracy theorists online :-D
I was happy to post this but do think it's something a woman should be able to decide without any judgement or speculation. It's her body.

AutovillaGirl · 05/07/2019 12:58

I gave up due to lack of support and advice. When I tried breastfeeding in the hospital for the first 3 days I didn't seem to be producing any milk, and my baby was screeching. When I voiced concerns nobody talked to me about it they just said I could give her bottle milk instead, I was so worried that she would get dehydrated/starve and she was crying so much that I gave her bottles - she stopped screeching. When home on the 4th day, (I'd had an emergency caesarean) I tried breastfeeding again but she wouldn't latch on, she would cry and cry. It took till about the 4th day for my milk to start to come through properly and I still don't know to this day what my baby would have done for the first 3 days, because I didn't see any before that - is that normal? I tried breasfeeding at home and it was sooo hard - she would take a bit then latch off and then scream and scream till she was bright red. When the midwife came to see me she said if babies are given bottles straight away then they 'un-learn' the latching on technique they are naturally born with and it can be difficult for them to latch onto the breast later. She was hungry but she couldn't seem to get the hang of it, after many tears (hers and mine) I gave in after about a week as she hardly took any milk and was always frustrated trying to feed. I started on bottles and she took to it straight away. She is my only one and that was 15 years ago and I still feel guilty about it :(

Iliketeaagain · 05/07/2019 12:59

For me, I knew all the goodness about breast feeding etc etc.
But I had a very very long induction and labour and ended up with ptsd ( not diagnosed until much later)..

I didn't even want to hold my baby never mind attach her to my boobs after the treatment I had from the delivery unit staff because it was so horrific.

There are lots of reasons why women don't want to and saying "I didn't want to" is just as valid an answer as every other reason.

The only judgment I had was from another mum at a baby group who wouldn't socialise with any of the mums who were ff (yes she actually said that) - was her loss as we ended up with a long lasting friendship group of mums who didn't care how we each fed our babies and are an invaluable support 10 years on and our kids have friends who they've know their whole lives.

LaurieMarlow · 05/07/2019 12:59

Yeah I take my hat off to exclusive pumpers. It’s fucking gruelling and society is even less supportive and understanding of pumping than bfing.

Hoppinggreen · 05/07/2019 12:59

The thought of it totally grossed me out and it wasn’t an option. No idea why, I don’t have any issues or anything about my boobs.
In fact if it had been the only way to safely feed my baby I’m not sure I would have had one.
People said I might feel different when I gave birth but I didn’t (twice)
I’ve never felt guilty and if anyone judges I really don’t care

BigRedLondonBus · 05/07/2019 13:00

I do think that some people can’t separate the fact that breast are very sexualised and feeding a baby. At a bbq I was at recently, a friend wasn’t impressed that I was still bf my 2 year old and said that I “have been single for too long” like wtf does that even mean Hmm Confused

Siameasy · 05/07/2019 13:00

I do think the Q should be asked-of society as a whole.
For instance, the environment is a big topic at the moment and if the dairy industry is bad for the environment then the formula milk industry and all its chattels (plastic bottles) also is. I rarely see that mentioned.
I keep seeing that BF is “best” or optimal. It’s not-it’s neutral. Holding BF up to be magical or amazing is not helpful.

Celebelly · 05/07/2019 13:00

@AutovillaGirl Milk doesn't usually come in till day 3/4/5. Before that it's very small amounts of colostrum, plus babies are born with fat reserves to tide them over till milk comes in. It sounds like this wasn't properly explained to you in the hospital Sad I think a lot of women think milk hasn't come in, but it does take a few days. Mine came in on day 4.

feebeecat · 05/07/2019 13:01

MuchTooTired Flowers
I watched my sobbing and exhausted friend battling her way through the first few months with cluster feeds with her bf baby. When I later discovered I was expecting twins I ruled it out completely. I figured I'd have enough on my plate without adding to it. I was judged and held up as an example of 'what not to do' at our antenatal twins group. I was also an older first time mother, who was happy to stand up for myself. My tiny twins are now just finishing yr10, predicted grade 9s at GCSE and are bloody brilliant!! Dont think ff has held them back in any way

veryboredtoday · 05/07/2019 13:02

If it were vital for good health they would put it as one of the questions on health forms for adults.

I loved breastfeeding but am firmly in the position that people need to be able to make informed decisions about how they feed their babies depending on what suits them and their families best.