To avoid getting my son diagnosed

[fabadababadoodee]

I have a almost 18 year old son and without giving you his life story I have always suspected he was on the spectrum, probably Aspergers.

Has anyone ever got their child diagnosed this late in their life? We have managed him fairly well over his childhood but it's been a huge job!

It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong with him because he's been pulled up at his part time job for coming across rude and blunt at times and also for not getting sarcasm.

There is soooo much more I could go into but won't for now, as anyone with a child with autism will know the battles we have faced!

He's interested in joining the police force and my worry is that having a diagnosis will hold him back from this and prevent opportunities in the future.
On the same note I also want him to get the right support in his life moving forward, would a diagnosis make this easier for him to get?

Any advice or stories to share would be much appreciated.
Thanks

Sorry for posting in AIBU but I know it's busy!

A diagnosis protects him, with a disability he has one of the protected characteristics, reasonable adjustments have to be made.

It wont stop him joining the police.

I'm not a parent of someone with sad however a close friend around 30 years old recently got diagnosed aspergers. Totally made sense altho I had just thought she was quirky.
It has helped her understand her own social struggles and she has completely bloomed with support

Well, given his age, it's up to him rather than you. However, I wonder if this article about autism and police officers is useful at all?

That was supposed to be ASD not sad. Auto correct strikes again

That is a very tough one. The diagnosis can be a double-edged sword.

Do you think he’d be open to knowing he’s ok the spectrum, but not having a formal diagnosis?

I’ve always been pro-diagnosis but have recently had a rethink, having heard it’s held people back.

I’d advise getting onto some social media groups and sounding out some people who’ve been there and done it.

Without the diagnosis he will likely have just as hard a time, like he is now with people not understanding him.

What MyOpinion said. From what you say yourself, he’s experiencing difficulties in the workplace which would be constructively helped with a diagnosis.

I don't know if he'd be helped or harmed with regard to joining the police but I do know that a diagnosis would make just about every other aspect of his life easier to deal with which is a pretty decent trade off imo

My dad was in his 50s when he discovered he had ASD. Turned his life around: finally made sense of how he fitted into the world. He's been much happier, with a way better social life, since then.

Completely agree with myopinionisvalid A diagnosis will absolutely help at work as the Equality Act 2010 will apply and so the employer has a duty to make reasonable adjustments to support your son at work. I've lost count of the number of times I've supported union members who've had complaints made about their behaviour at work who are undiagnosed but clearly have autism/ADHD/Asperger Syndrome.

Please please please get him the help and recognition of himself that he deserves. Knowledge is power - and understanding yourself if you have a neurodiverse brain is essential to help you reach your potential.

He knows and you know. He has rights and he can’t claim them if he doesn’t have a diagnosis.

Grady the nettle OP.

Do the police require to see medical records during the recruitment process? Because if not then it's up to him if he discloses or not. He may well find it helpful to get some targeted help to develop strategies to deal with situations he finds challenging, in which case a diagnosis would theoretically help. I don't know though just how much help of that nature is available for adults, particularly those who are high functioning.

Would it be worth him ringing the national autistic society helpline to chat through his worries and see what their thoughts are?

I think it is an awful situation for him to be in if he is starting to feel that there is something 'wrong' with him. He may have managed so far with a lot of scaffolding but I have seen other lives fall apart at that point... until they get diagnosed as late as their 40's.

Have you spoken with him about a possible diagnosis? It is really his choice at this point as a PP says but I personally believe you would be doing him a real disservice and will be possibly setting him up for failure if you don't communicate this to him.

I have a child who very probably has an ASC, he is certainly neurodiverse. He masks brilliantly at school most of the time and most people have no idea. We spend a great deal of time helping him understand himself, his differences, his strengths and part of that is being honest with him so he can self-regulate better as he gets older.

Hrm tbh even people who fall under the theoretical protection of the EA can have a rough ride. What I mean is that it doesn't automatically guarantee that everyone is nice to you, particularly when you've got a label. I would be very wary of thinking that disclosing to an employer means a trouble free working life.

Op at 18 it's up to him. I think I'd tell him that you think he might be and ask does he actually want to know?
Or is he happy with the belief the label fits?

It's a tough one, you clearly have reasons for avoiding diagnosis before now.

I've just had an ADHD DX middle 40's. It's really helped me, as now I know how to manage things better and that a lot of my issues aren't just me being a bit pathetic. If he knows he's struggling, knowledge is power.

I think the only thing I can't do is fly commercial airlines...

If your son is an adult, this is up to him. However, the Equality Act will protect him, if he has a diagnosis. Otherwise, it is easier for him to be dismissed/disciplined for these aspects, which as you say, may be part of an actual condition.

I was diagnosed in my mid 30s after I self-referred to my GP. I can honestly say it’s made a huge difference to me. I always knew I was different, I recognised from about the age of 5 that I wasn’t like my peers. I described it to a friend once as feeling like ‘Everyone else has a rule book to life but I’m missing half the pages’.

For me getting diagnosed means - understanding myself far better, finding other people like me to talk to, being kinder to myself (I used to beat myself up a lot for not being ‘normal’), I also give myself much needed down time where I rest and recover when I’ve been socialising or working because I recognise the need for it.

For me - I work in the NHS. I have to be honest, ‘reasonable adjustments’ have only been forthcoming when I have requested them and learned to be more assertive in asking for the help that I need with good effect. My diagnosis has absolutely been a positive thing for me. I was discriminated against for being ‘different’ and ‘weird’ before I was diagnosed, the diagnosis simply helps me to understand why and challenge it if it does occur.

Always get a diagnosis. I know people who waited until their 50s/60s and are much happier for it.

Do it now, this should have been done years ago. Talk to your son.

I think if he has a condition it would be wise for him to know what it is and how he can manage it.

I think I have it, how do you get diagnosed?

@urghsohot I went to my GP with a list of reasons that indicated I have ASD. She was somewhat skeptical I mask well but agreed to refer me. It was a long waiting list (over a year!) but I had a specialist assessment with an LD nurse that confirmed it. You can ask go privately or through a charity (for the latter you can pay a contribution). Try Action for Aspergers as a starting point.

There's no harm with ds having a chat with his GP to weigh up his options.

DS was diagnosed at 20 after moving country. Like you, we always (along with a headteacher who said he mirrored her autistic daughter) knew. Him receiving a dx has given him some peace for the way he is which he says is very important, and opens support avenues.