To avoid getting my son diagnosed

[fabadababadoodee]

I have a almost 18 year old son and without giving you his life story I have always suspected he was on the spectrum, probably Aspergers.

Has anyone ever got their child diagnosed this late in their life? We have managed him fairly well over his childhood but it's been a huge job!

It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong with him because he's been pulled up at his part time job for coming across rude and blunt at times and also for not getting sarcasm.

There is soooo much more I could go into but won't for now, as anyone with a child with autism will know the battles we have faced!

He's interested in joining the police force and my worry is that having a diagnosis will hold him back from this and prevent opportunities in the future.
On the same note I also want him to get the right support in his life moving forward, would a diagnosis make this easier for him to get?

Any advice or stories to share would be much appreciated.
Thanks

We need to get past the idea that autistic people can't hold down normal jobs. People are not all the same and if they are capable they are capable; irrespective of diagnosis.

It's really not a barrier, quite the opposite, it's like opening a gate.

No criticism OP (more a criticism of his Senco) - How was it never picked up at school? Did no concerns ever come up?
I have already had a conversation with my DS along the lines that I think he feels things more than I do (sensory issues) and that his brain works differently to mine (he is wired differently. We are seeking a diagnosis) which he accepts is the case without thinking of it as criticism - as he says himself (6 but very verbal) from time to time his head feels fuzzy (this is usually at the point of sensory overload).
He'd never cope in the army bless him, he is averse to rules (think PDA which means routines/rules don't improve how he copes unfortunately). Do talk to your son - he is atypical not 'wrong' - I hate sarcasm anyway but obviously use it rarely with my son as he takes everything I say literally - if I do make a joke I explain it to him, sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't but he does have a great sense of humour regardless. Good luck with everything x

I often teach students with ASD, and knowing their diagnosis really, really helps us to support them. One student in particular started with very challenging behaviour, and without knowing his diagnosis it would have been seen as really difficult and disruptive, possibly resulting in disciplinary action. He was given a lot of support by lecturers and his peers (he was very open about it once he got used to people) and has absolutely excelled, to the point he was nominated for an outstanding student award. I feel quite teary writing this because I am so proud of him!

Had there not been a diagnosis that we knew about, I honestly doubt he would have still been on his course after the first semester. Him being open allowed us to work on really tailored support that he personally wanted rather than just making reasonable adjustments.

Well when applying for jobs you don't have to declare a disability unless it will affect your role .but in the police force then yes it would probably have to be declared but if he didn't he may not pass certain tests about situation sequences because he may not actually understand and they may help him with that .sorry but I can't imagine that as an ideal job for someone on the spectrum my son is high functioning no learning disabilities but socially shocking and if your son the same then maybe find another career path

I’m not sure why you’ve waited so long tbh.

It would help your son enormously to have information and support.

You need also to consider how you will feel if he doesn’t fit the criteria. Assessment doesn’t always lead to diagnosis.

My son was diagnosed last year, he was 29 then. It helped us understand all the issues he has....I always knew there was something and took him to many professionals who didnt diagnose anything....until a few years ago & that was anxiety. He has self harmed for half of his life. The issues he has have already held him back...he didnt go to school for years 8,9 & 10. He has had to drop out of college so many times hes only just finished his foundation degree.
When he got his formal.disgnosis he was very angry. He did a lot of research & found there is very little support where we live for adults with ASD, he felt failed by the system (& me) because he didnt get a diagnosis at an age where he could have had more help. We ended up having such a huge row he moved into my parents house around the corner and didnt speak to me for 6 months...till I had to take him to hospital on NYE cos he had cut himself so badly.
In some ways having the diagnosis has been good (maybe more for me than him) & in others it's been quite bad. I really wish I'd been able to get a diagnosis when he was much much younger, his life could have been quite different.
Sorry, I'm not being helpful in advising what to do with your son...just telling you our experiences. Whatever you decide to do I hope things turn out well for you and your son.

I resisted getting DS diagnosed for a few years: he is high-functioning/Aspergers. I thought it might be a negative label and I didn't like the 'medicalising' of what used to appear as just being very clever and a bit quirky.
But the school suggested rather firmly that we get a referral, and now we have a dx (DS is 14 now) and it does seem to have made things better for him. He seems more comfortable in his own skin and he finds the extra time in exams helps.

It often really screws a person up to go through most of their life knowing something isn't right but not knowing what. It's better to know.

I knew someone who went into the army, the army had them assessed and they were diagnosed with aspergers and we're honourably discharged (or whatever the term is). He was gutted but he understood and was glad to know about his asd.

Discussions on autism outside the SN boards often have a bit of misinformation, so for anyone wondering if they may be autistic, this explains the spectrum very well. theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

"High functioning" is often a classification that autistic people themselves don't want, for many reasons,

theaspergian.com/2018/09/10/the-journey-begins/

fabadababadoodee please explore all the diagnostic options for your son then break it down into small steps for him to decide
if he wishes to pursue a diagnosis.
For an NHS diagnosis, he'll need to see the GP and give the GP plenty reasons why he thinks he's autistic, then the GP should refer him.
Ask him to try the AQ test online, it's only a basic indicator, NOT a diagnostic, but see how he scores on that.

Info from NAS on adult diagnosis www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

Get the diagnosis. It will help others understand him. Work should be more accommodating rather than just thinking he is difficult to work with. He will be protected by the equalities act and it is the passport to support.

Seriously? Yes you should do everything in your power to prevent him getting a diagnosis. Maybe his difficulties will disappear if you ignore them and it will certainly make it easier for his employers to sack him if he becomes overwhelmed and can't cope. And what could be more fun for him than wondering why everyone else seems to be playing the game according to a set of rules you've never seen. Far better to struggle along in isolation than to realise that there are thousands of people out there who share your condition, who can empathise and help.

@BarbarianMum I was wondering how long it would take for someone to leave a wonderfully helpful comment like yours.

Thanks so much to everyone else for your insights into this, it's definitely opened up my eyes about how important it will be to get the right support.

I had the absolute same issue with my son, like exact down the the police and wanting to avoid dx!!!

Then I got a job in the police and realised they are very very open and accommodating, I know a good few coppers with autism. I dunno if it’s just our county but they’re brilliant, change dmy mind on seeking diagnosis for my son

Give him the info he needs so that he can decide for himself.

I had the absolute same issue with my son, like exact down the the police and wanting to avoid dx!!

It's not the son wanting to avoid it, it's the OP!

The decision is his not his mother’s and won’t impact who he is. It will limit where he can emigrate to, exclude him from some jobs ie military I think, and give him access to reasonable adjustments and disability rights in general. It’s impossible to say if he will have a better experience of life because we obviously have very little evidence from happy successful autistics who aren’t diagnosed.

Itwouldtakemuchmore, yes the question of emigration struck my mind as well. There have been a couple of threads recently about whether to seek a diagnosis. Would it be required to disclose a diagnosis on applications to any countries to emigrate, or even to get a work visa, do you know?

They have always thought I've kind of babied him and let him get away with things when I simply know he couldn't know what he was doing and also wouldn't have benefited from me screaming and punishing him for as I've known it wouldn't have helped.

My relatives mother was always accused of spoiling him, babying him, making excuses for him, when it was obvious he was on the spectrum.

His mother did him a great disservice not having him assessed, even after it was suggested. (Her choice she said she did not want to label him) He had to wait until he was 18 to do it himself.

I am almost certainly going to give it some serious thought

Do you mean thought as to how approach it with him, use the resources recommended above. The option to go for assessment and diagnosis is his.

I don’t know if it has changed but it used to be nigh on impossible to emigrate to Australia or Canada with autistic children. If you are adult and have shown you can earn it may be possible to argue your case??? You would definitely have to declare it. He may never want to do those things though and it may be easier to other destinations.

I was diagnosed as an adult and wish id had the diagnosis younger.

If he's asking questions, I think it may be time to see if a diagnosis is possible. I have a child with severe ASD, so his diagnosis was absolutely necessary in order to access any help available. My other child: I suspect he has mild ASD, but VERY mild. I also think he has ADHD. When he was 4 the Education Psychologist saw him a few times and see said she could definitely see the possibility, but he was borderline. We decided not to pursue it as it wasn't a problem for him - more for us! We always said that if it started being a problem in the future FOR HIM, then we would try for a formal diagnosis. There are many things about myself that I have often questioned: why am I like this (constantly anxious, socially inept for starters) and I now believe that I have high functioning ASD or Aspergers. It was actually a relief to come to the conclusion that the way I am is not my fault, so to speak. I think your DS will be better protected in the workplace and get peace of mind with a diagnosis.

Thanks itwouldtake - do we know the question that's asked of an adult seeking to emigrate to those countries - eg "have you even been diagnosed with autism/autistic spectrum disorder"? or something more general like "do you consider yourself to have a disability"?

(I realise you probably don't know! Also that that's not a reason not to get a diagnosis. But it is something to take into account when deciding as an adult whether or not to go for a diagnosis, I suppose.)

The other aspect of policing that’s worth mentioning is that 1) it’s a disciplined service with a hierarchy and Sirs and Ma’am’s which sometimes entails biting your tongue and 2) you’re actually dealing with people and their messy lives, highly stressful situations requiring massive amounts of diplomacy and restraint. Is he actually in a position to do that at the moment without additional support? I’m not saying he isn’t by the way I’m just asking the question. It’s not enough to ask whether the police will accommodate him but whether he is suited to the kind of work he’ll be doing

I believe that Canada is just a blanket “no”, but in Australia it comes down to how much you might cost them.