To avoid getting my son diagnosed

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I have a almost 18 year old son and without giving you his life story I have always suspected he was on the spectrum, probably Aspergers.

Has anyone ever got their child diagnosed this late in their life? We have managed him fairly well over his childhood but it's been a huge job!

It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong with him because he's been pulled up at his part time job for coming across rude and blunt at times and also for not getting sarcasm.

There is soooo much more I could go into but won't for now, as anyone with a child with autism will know the battles we have faced!

He's interested in joining the police force and my worry is that having a diagnosis will hold him back from this and prevent opportunities in the future.
On the same note I also want him to get the right support in his life moving forward, would a diagnosis make this easier for him to get?

Any advice or stories to share would be much appreciated.
Thanks

The Police are extremely diverse and welcome everyone's differences. Having worked for them for a number of years I know he would get great support.

I have a child with ASD and I was finally diagnosed last year with ASD.

You say you have managed your son so far and it was a huge job. Well think about how his potential employers will deal with it? It is worth bearing in mind that unemployment statistics for people with ASD is very high, but also is the suicide rate. Not being understood by society is hard, but not having a diagnosis does not make it easier. In some situations it can actually make life harder. Please I would say - offer him the opportunity of getting assessed if possible. You can do this as a private appointment or the long slow process though the public system. Once you know whether or not he is assessed as having autism, then you can work with what that means.

A diagnosis will not hold back opportunities, but might help get support in the workplace, discrimination can be tackled.

Outside of employment, there is very little in terms of support for adults. But there is an increasing number of late diagnosed adults, who are a great support. There is a big difference between being told you have autism and being able to say with confidence I am autistic and happy to be neuro-diverse! Being able to gain confidence in who you are as a person, is important, and if you keep trying to hide a part of who you are, this makes life very hard!

DS1 was diagnosed when he was 8, he's 13 now. I don't look at his diagnosis as something which could potentially hold him back, but more as a stepping stone to ensure he can reach his full potential. It means support systems in place, it means a greater understanding and it means a formal 'word' if you like to explain (never excuse) certain characteristics/traits.

Having a formal diagnosis won't prevent your son from becoming a police officer if he's capable of doing the role.

A friend of mine has recently been diagnosed and she's in her thirties. Her Mum played a significant part in the diagnosis, I think, and it went into quite a lot of detail about what she was like as a child. It has made an enormous amount of difference to how she views herself.

Ds was diagnosed at 13. We were in two minds wether to go for the assessment as , like you, were worried about it preventing him following certain careers. We were told that the only job he had to disclose it to was the army. It is up to him if he tells the police

Being in work has cast a light on issues he has. They are not going to go away.

I’m conflicted.

I agree it can be a ‘label’ but it only hinders his life how you enable it to. It doesn’t change him, it’s just a layer of understanding.

However, my parents did not get me a diagnosis as a child and i struggles into my early twenties with my ‘quirks’ and it was hard!

It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong

You need to discuss this with him. I feel so sad for adults who don't know for years and when they finally find out they feel such relief. It's already something he needs to be able to explain, as he has shown in his job. Please talk to him, get him to talk things over with his GP and decide what to do from there.

You are not protecting him from anything by avoiding diagnosis.

having heard it’s held people back.
Source/anecdotal/examples? do you know when/which jobs it would have to be disclosed or count against you? TIA

I have an adult DD who has a diagnosis. It has helped her with getting adjustments made at university.

AFAIK the only think she can't do because of her diagnosis is join the army. TBH I think that if a condition bars you from a career for safety or any other reasons, avoiding a diagnosis to keep that avenue open to you probably does you and the potential employer a disservice.

My aadult DD was diagnosed aged 12. It made an immediate difference to her self esteem.

Understanding the root of your own difficulties can also help you develop strategies to manage them more successfully.

I've met an awful lot of parents of children with ASD and interacted with hundreds online. Not one has ever expressed regret that they allowed their child to receive a diagnosis.

It is worth bearing in mind that unemployment statistics for people with ASD is very high, but also is the suicide rate.

where would I find the most recent stats? TIA

I'm going through being diagnosed at the moment age 53, I've never felt like I fitted in, had a terrible time at school, been treated for depression since I was 17. I've only realised since ds was diagnosed age 9 that I could be on the spectrum.

My relative self referred at 18 it gave him access to the support he needed. It helped him recognise himself. He knew, and had struggled all of his life while his parents managed his situation.

He said it was a relief and wished he could have had support earlier. It has enhanced his prospects as he no longer has to try to fit in and be criticised or misunderstood when he doesn’t fit the expected norm.

He still has battles but has more support to face them.

This is his decision not yours.

A question: lots of posters are saying it’s great because diagnosis enables an individual to access support. Can someone please elaborate what this support is?

not being goady but generally asking what he's thinking on this?maybe you could do a pro and cons list with him.(if he is able)

Wow, So many replies!

Thank you all so much for your views and stories.

I know it is completely his decision and I would be willing to assist him with this at the doctors, of course!

I have always thought he was on the spectrum, he's always been 'quirky' and high functioning.

We have struggled with others having been at the hands of his 'blunt' behaviour and I've always thought he was a very miss-understood character and have only made it this far by actually treating him as if he does have autism, such as time warnings/countdowns.
Also, patience with him,which has been lacking from others DH,DM etc.

They have always thought I've kind of babied him and let him get away with things when I simply know he couldn't know what he was doing and also wouldn't have benefitted from me screaming and punishing him for as I've known it wouldn't have helped.

I am almost certainly going to give it some serious thought, as like you've said if we've struggled for years then the poor lad isn't going to find life any easier on his own in the big wide world!

We avoided getting DS1 diagnosed, he was reluctant to be singled out as different and was vaguely interested in the armed forces so needed a nice clean medical record.
He is almost 21 now and had struggled for the last 4 years, trying things that didn't suit him, having a break then trying again, it has not been good for his mental health at all and his lifelong shyness had turned into Social anxiety. He is about to give in and seek help and medication.
He did manage to join the armed forces, tried really hard, did well at some things and passed basic training but then broke down, he couldn't cope with the social aspects, was homesick and had to come home. He's isolated himself from his peers as he's embarrassed.
His brother was diagnosed at primary school and has done really well, there very different so not strictly comparable but I do have regrets about DS1 and, yes, it has been very hard work and seeing him struggle ( and take it out on the family as well as himself) had almost broken me too.
Diagnosis may close one or two doors but potentially opens many more.

My brother was born in the 60s, back in the days when ASD and Aspergers didn’t exist. Looking back he had all the classic features , but of course to everyone he was just different/difficult. He struggled to find his place in life, and killed himself a few weeks before his 21st birthday. Soon after , Aspergers started to be talked about, and my Mum became something of an expert in it. We are certain he was on the spectrum. Had a diagnosis been made, and adjustments accordingly, I think he would still be with us now.
So in your place OP, I’d suggest he gets assssed.

It's up to him but I would encourage him to go for it. I asked for an assessment myself when I was 19 and I was diagnosed with dyspraxia when I was 20. It was life changing.

Why on earth wouldn’t you get a diagnosis for him? You may have done him a disservice by supporting him so much in school.

He’s obviously experiencing difficulties now, so he’d benefit from a diagnosis. This will help his employers best handle him.

It may also mean he feels that he ‘fits in’ more or has a reason for not binding with peers.

Not ASD, but DC1's diagnosis of another condition impacting on behaviour was an incredibly positive thing. As one PP said, it gave them an opportunity to make sense of how they fit in with the world around them, knowing that they're not to blame for 'not getting it', keeping up etc, which in turn has done their self-esteem a world of good. Wish we'd seen someone sooner.

@sacope I cried with relief when I was diagnosed!

@Polyjuice it’s quite a variable statement but advantages for me include being entitled to interviews if I meet the essential criteria, reasonable adjustments at work (like I moved departments recently and I have said it’ll take me longer to learn the ropes than most). Most UK airports now have ‘hidden disability’ lanyards which I found brilliant - we didn’t have to queue at check-In, used the disability lane for security and fast track passport control, were offered the choice of first or last on to the plane (I like first to give me time to find my seat and get settled) and given additional support by cabin crew. Things like queuing cause me a lot of anxiety and increase the likelihood of a meltdown so all of that was really helpful, especially since I’m a nervous flyer and it was my first Transatlantic flight.

Honestly OP if I were in your position I would get him some information on neuro-diversity and especially ASD, then offer him the choice. Self-diagnosis is enough for some people but I wanted to know for sure.

Hi there! There is actually an autistic police association so if that's a worry for him he could contact them (e.g. through Twitter here: twitter.com/npaa_uk?lang=en)

He may also find it useful to learn from the experiences of some young autistic men on YouTube (you could watch first to see who you think might resonate?) E.g. you could try Connor Ward, Nathan Selove, Joe Jamfrey, Indie Andy, MaxiAspie, Aspergers From the Inside.

Also look up Chris Bonnello. He's also autistic and has taught autistic kids in the past (currently a SEN tutor). He has a great website called Autistic Not Weird with useful articles on, and also several speeches and other videos on YouTube.