To avoid getting my son diagnosed

[fabadababadoodee]

I have a almost 18 year old son and without giving you his life story I have always suspected he was on the spectrum, probably Aspergers.

Has anyone ever got their child diagnosed this late in their life? We have managed him fairly well over his childhood but it's been a huge job!

It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong with him because he's been pulled up at his part time job for coming across rude and blunt at times and also for not getting sarcasm.

There is soooo much more I could go into but won't for now, as anyone with a child with autism will know the battles we have faced!

He's interested in joining the police force and my worry is that having a diagnosis will hold him back from this and prevent opportunities in the future.
On the same note I also want him to get the right support in his life moving forward, would a diagnosis make this easier for him to get?

Any advice or stories to share would be much appreciated.
Thanks

Re-posting links from upthread about serving autistic police officers.

As World Autism Awareness week draws to a close, Daniel Gordon speaks to serving autistic police officers. How does autism affect their work? www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-43584212

National Police Autism Association www.npaa.org.uk/?doing_wp_cron=1562316229.1155960559844970703125

Canada, immigration globalnews.ca/news/4150860/disability-immigration-law-a-blessing-says-father-autistic-child/

If your worried then perhaps some sessions with counsellor who specialises in asd. He can learn to understand himself without a formal diagnosis. Also if he's willing perhaps reading around the subject. He doesnt need a formal diagnosis to recognise traits and feelings

The diagnosis won't solve all the issues, but it will give him, and those around him, some understanding of the issues.
Towards the end of my time teaching, I came across a boy who, it seemed to me, needed assessment at the very least. Very bright academically, but constantly struggling with bruising social interactions. Very "entertaining" meltdowns, to the delight of some less pleasant classmates, who could set him off when concentrating on their studies became tiresome. As a PP says, not really comprehending the rules which others seem to know instinctively.The school had strategies in place, (not always perfect I'll admit), to smooth the path and support, we had seen similar before. But the parents resisted any suggestion that anything was amiss, until a crisis was reached in Yr 5. They finally admitted that, before he came to us at the beginning of Yr 3, they had received a diagnosis, but "wanted him to be treated like all the other boys". Things were a bit better after that, but some damage could not be repaired, and he did not fulfil his academic potential, partly because he moved on, in his teenage years, to "blunting the edges" with cannabis.
I know every case is different, and what works with one pupil may not work with another, but knowing where you're coming from can only help in the long run.

Contrary to popular opinion, high and low functioning don't describe how well the person copes, it's their IQ measurement. You can have someone with high functioning ASD unable to work and cope with independent living, and someone with low functioning ASD coping just fine.
I'm afraid it's done him a disservice to be 'managed' through his childhood only to hit adulthood and have to start trying to access what would have helped him be better adjusted to living in an NT world.

Two students on my course in their early 20's, one of whom nearly got kicked out in 1st year, have just received assessment and diagnosis, and are only now beginning to learn about the differences between ASD and NT people and be able to navigate it, rather than just be in the wrong all the time. One's just finding it all a relief that there's nothing wrong with her, she's just on the spectrum.
The one who got into trouble is a perfectly nice person causing danger to others through lack of social understanding, who then had a meltdown accidentally endangering another. Because no one knew, it was treated as intentional violence and aggression, and their peer group labelled them 'psycho'. They'd already been arrested twice. It would have been event changing if a police officer who was on the spectrum had attended either incident.
it isn't aggrandizing to say they're lucky I happened to be in the same year, and there, it stopped an attempt at sectioning them.
They're now understandably furious with their family for not getting them help and controlling them instead, and having to receive so much input that should have been spread over years.

Witnessing what can happen to someone who's been managed all their childhood then hit adulthood without the armor and tool kit they need is painful. It also disrupts the lives of everyone around them.

He doesnt need a formal diagnosis to recognise traits and feelings

But he will need one to avoid being disciplined or treated badly at work for what is essentially his as yet undiagnosed disability.
From the OP
It's just that he's now come to me asking if I think something is wrong with him because he's been pulled up at his part time job for coming across rude and blunt at times and also for not getting sarcasm

A diagnosis would let him be supported in that situation, non-diagnosis means the situation will continue wherever he works, all his life, if he doesn't get the right support in employment.

He can't say to an employer "I THINK I'm autistic and that explains my behaviour, please can you do something about people complaining about things that are part of my autism."

But if he has a diagnosis he can say to his employer 'There's a social problem, colleagues are offended that I appear rude, blunt and don't get sarcasm, but that's part of my autism. Please can you intervene. Are there any resources available for me to use to help my communication skills?'

DC's friend has recently gone through police college and DC just texted him about this thread.

He initially went somewhat flying under the radar as he knows he's on the spectrum (fairly obvious to anyone with knowledge) but was brought up knowing by parents who accepted and educated but didn't want him officially 'labeled.' Because he always knew, he has been able to manage rather than be managed, and has come to adulthood with coping strategies in place.

He has to go through uniformed front line as mandatory en-route to specialized back room stuff, and declared his 'likely but never assessed' situation. H
Can't comment further but he's being supported.

His comment was 'if the DS as he's described, got in without a full understanding of his ASD and others NT'ness and how to deal with it': "he'd be a locker room bait ball."

This might be a useful place: wrongplanet.net/

I don't understand why parents are afraid of diagnosis! If your son had been diagnosed years ago he would have had time to come to terms with the diagnosis and have been able to access support.
As an adult, it is now up to him to decide if he wants to pursue a diagnosis.

Parents aren’t afraid of diagnosis they make decisions for their children based on what they need at each stage. Dx is not an easy walk. It takes years and time and maybe it coincided with says or new school or GCSEs or a level choices. This Mum sounds thoughtful, engaged and very focused on what’s best for her child.

I am 42 and strongly suspect I am high functioning autistic. I didn’t realise until my sister and I had kids. Hers has autism and ADHD. She has since been diagnosed with ADHD. We read up and it became obvious really. Both me and my cousin. Once you say it out loud people pop out of the woodwork instantly to say “of course, didn’t you know?”

I have a great job, a lovely daughter and an ex-DH who is as odd as me! I have learned to behave “normally” in work and do really well. I struggle socially. It is nice to know why I am different and to read up a bit on how best to fit in. Personally I don’t need a diagnosis.

I’d tell your son what you suspect and ask him if he wants to seek a diagnosis. He will potentially be pleased to get a reason why he is always not quite on the same wavelength as everyone else and why he often feels he is sort of missing the joke!

You can also tell him from me that I am happy to be as I am. I am me and that is pretty fucking fantastic! I wouldn’t change for anything - it’s not my fault the rest of the world is odd! I bet he is great!

My son is 18 and applied for the army some months ago (he does not want to join now). The medical was tough and he 'failed' due to a diagnosis of anxiety disorder. We appealed and 'won' because there was a clear context for his anxiety. However, the medical was referred again on the grounds that he had been referred for assessment for ASD and on the grounds that he had a prescription for an inhaler.

If he had wished to continue the application, we would have got a supporting letter from the GP with respect to the referral for ASD. The prescription was another matter.

So, I would say that cases are assessed on a very individual basis. My eldest son has a diagnosis of ASD and he is affected in a way that would make entry into the police or armed forces hazardous for him (and for others). However, other people may find their ASD has enhanced some of the qualities looked for in police or military professions (e.g. attention to detail, strongly analytical thought patterns (to use stereotypes)).

I do agree though, that if employers are commenting on characteristics that may be part of ASD, he would be wise to visit the GP with a view to referral for assessment.

Sorry for any confusion, my eldest son is not the 18 year old.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

Many parents are afraid of getting a diagnosis - I have personal experience of two families. In both cases, the parents regretted not having a diagnosis sooner. Having been through diagnosis with my own dc I fully understand how long it can take and how frustrating it can be! All the more reason to not delay starting the process.

strongly suspect I am high functioning autistic
Do you know what high functioning means? It does categorically NOT mean 'Can function well in the NT world and am considered quirky.'
It's usually used to define autistic people with an IQ of 70 or over, it gives absolutely no reference to ability to function.

Personally I don’t need a diagnosis
If you can live in the NT world without needing any interventions then it's highly likely you wouldn't get a diagnosis of autism because to get a diagnosis, these criteria have to be fulfilled.
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx
"The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests (this includes sensory behaviour), since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning '."

What you've described does not seem to be autism because you've not described a disabling condition.

theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/
" in order for a person to be considered autistic, they must have difficulty in multiple categories spanning the spectrum. Diagnosis depends on evidence that you do span the spectrum in observable ways.
Some commonalities are less obvious and are not required for diagnosis but are almost universally-reported by autistic people.
Each autistic person is affected strongly enough in one or more categories for it to be disabling in some way."

I'm not making this into a personal attack, just picking up on what you said, it's just that so many people who may have traits then often self-identify as being autistic but not needing a dx because they can get along perfectly well without one and have little or no difficulties in everyday life.

Autism is a disability and its effects are truly disabling, the breezy 'I'm self-identified autistic and cope really well' really minimises the struggles of diagnosed autistic people.

Autism is a disability and its effects are truly disabling, the breezy 'I'm self-identified autistic and cope really well' really minimises the struggles of diagnosed autistic people.

Thank you. Agree wholeheartedly.

I tend to step away from threads about Autism on Mumsnet for this very reason.

@Cwtches123 that’s not my experience.

@BlankTimes this What you've described does not seem to be autism because you've not described a disabling condition. is something I’ve been trying to think of how to say for a while. Thanks.

I would say that being upfront with a diagnosis means it's all laid out on the table when he enquires. They accept him or not based on him and his diagnosis, there's no hiding or worrying what might crop up if he's unsupported. As your DS is finding, with no formal diagnosis, he will follow the disciplinary process with no adaptions, or will have feedback on his training with no regard to his ASD. How does your DS feel about that?

Your DS really needs to determine whether his personality would make him a good Police Officer. Not everyone, ASD or not, can do that sort of role well and it would be no reflection on your DS if he thought it wasn't for him. Maybe looking into being a Special Constable might give him an idea of his suitability - there must be some MNers in that role that might give more info (notes that I don't know much about being a Special Constable). I was going to suggest the Police Cadets but he's right at the top end of the age range.

I disagree BlankTimes. Everyone who was diagnosed as an adult was an undiagnosed adult first who strongly suspected it, and maybe took them a long time to decide to go for dx because they felt they actually coped ok. It is not always something really disabling. Lots of autistics manage their own lives OK and manage to work or have relationships.

I think the point is that if it’s not disabling then it isn’t autism.

which isnt true

Isn’t it? I think our consultant said the same thing when we were discussing the difference between having autistic traits and being autistic.

My consultant told me that an autism diagnosis is only given if there is a 'clinically significant impairment'.

I was diagnosed at 40 not because I was coping well but because I was misdiagnosed for 40 years. 40 years of not functioning well. Not being able to hold down a job. Not being able to form a relationship. Not being able to make friends. 40 years of feeling like a complete and utter failure and that if I just tried harder I could be like a other people. Diagnosis was a lifeline as I was drowning.

Autistic traits are just that, traits. For a diagnosis you have to fit the criteria in ALL of the diagnostic areas. If you have traits you don't.

well it depends on the level of those traits doesnt it.

For instance if a family member of autistic people, has many autistic traits, then what would be the benefit of saying theyre not autistic just because they can hold down a job or they dont bother anyone else wit it, or have learned strategies to mask and get by?

If an autistic person who is diagnosed, but learns strategies to get by and doesnt consider themselves to be disabled by it - are they no longer autistic? Some people dont consider themselves disabled because theyve never known any different

Many diagnosed autistic people do not consider it a disability in itself.

I havent decided what I think for me, but i think the autism positive movement does have merit