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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband trivial issue effecting marriage

162 replies

RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:10

Ok we have a toddler she is 2.5 years and we are at logger heads. I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) my husband just will not consider a foreign holiday saying he will find it really stressful the whole thing even the journey. But will happily consider and embark on a UK holiday even with a 5 hour drive - which I would find much more stressful than a 2 hour flight to spain. I've even looked into toddler friendly hotels with villas and our own gated pools etc but he wont hear of it. I've said I am really on my knees and need a proper break and I'm considering going on my own. He said I was being ridiculous and changed the subject.

We've been at this for weeks. He always says things are stressful and doesn't want to go to many places because "itll be busy" and other shit excuses but if its something he wants to do like bike shows hes there in a flash!!!!!

Really feeling like crap tonight need to know if IABU and suggestions of where to go etc if at all possible in the UK as a compromise or abroad if I can convince him - or go without him for a week!!

OP posts:
zafferana · 04/07/2019 07:45

So you're willing to do his kind of holiday (UK, rain, etc), but he isn't willing to do the kind of holiday you want (Spain, sun, pool, etc). YANBU and I would say that whether you're the breadwinner or not. Family life is about compromise and putting others and their wishes first sometimes. DH and I tend to take it in turns to choose where we go, because that's fair. Your DH is being selfish, but if he'll go along with whatever you book rather than be left behind then I'd just book it and tell him you don't want to hear a word about it, since you've done what he's wanted in the past without moaning. He can give you the same courtesy.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/07/2019 07:49

I get where your DH is coming from.When my children were really young I didn't feel that holidays were very relaxing and so didn't want to spend so we always did UK holidays. I would look into going abroad with a friend for a few days. It will be cheaper and more relaxing for both of you.

mcmen71 · 04/07/2019 07:51

Centre parcs is lovely and a nice spa for you to book for yourself and loo leave him with toddler for an afternoon

Mix56 · 04/07/2019 07:56

there should be a compromise, He gets what he wants every time.
I think you should say every other year you choose ! Starting now.

LuaDipa · 04/07/2019 07:59

I love holidays and to be honest, I don’t think taking kids away is particularly difficult. We have taken ours abroad regularly from the eldest being 5 months old. We also had many breaks in this country in cottages or hotels. When you have kids, you accept that going anywhere is more challenging and you need to take more with you, but it is no more difficult in either scenario. In fact as pp have said, at least with holidays abroad the weather, sand and pools make it easy to entertain little ones all day.

I think the main issue here is that your dh will not compromise at all, he is just saying no. If he was suggesting that you alternate holidays so you both get what you want that would be a different matter. He sounds selfish and childish and that would be a deal breaker for me.

scubadive · 04/07/2019 08:00

Center Paris in France? We did this when ours were young. It’s much much cheaper than in the U.K. you have the weather and can go by ferry, use ferry as a meal break and journey not too bad.

Crazybunnylady123 · 04/07/2019 08:02

All a bit silly isn’t it. Relationships are give and take, if he never gives take the hint and leave!
Or Maybe just book a few days in the sun for you and a friend and he can look after dc? Then do a family uk holiday for a week later on.

Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 08:02

Holidays with a toddler can be highly stressful. If this would be the first plane journey, that could also be highly stressful at that sort of age.

I kind of agree with your DH, a UK based break would be easier. However, if you feel you need to go abroad, maybe go without him?

Jeezoh · 04/07/2019 08:05

Another vote for France but go on the Eurotunnel as it’s quicker than the ferry!

Stifledlife · 04/07/2019 08:08

When our were little this place was our salvation. higherlankfarm.co.uk/

Lots for the kids to do (even in the rain) close to Bodmin moor for picnics and playing in the river of dreams. Lucy is an incredible chef and has children's tea time at 5.30, and a 4 course meal for you when the LO is in bed.. or she will babysit while you go out (but her food is better).

They play with the other kids, collect eggs, feed the lambs.. so much for them to do so no thinking of entertainment, or what to feed everyone.

Lucy's farm (as my kids called it) saved our sanity and we have the fondest memories of it.

There are places in the UK where you can have a relaxing family holiday that are better than the standard sun, sea and sangria when kids are little. Do some investigation..

Biancadelrioisback · 04/07/2019 08:08

I vote ferry to France! But I love ferries. You can more or less drive at your own pace, set off when youre ready to, stop off on the way if you want, fun car songs etc.

foreverhanging · 04/07/2019 08:30

God I love going on holiday with my baby/toddler. It's always different because no stress about routines, lots to keep them entertained and 2 of you hands on to look after them. Journeys can be stressful but it's worth it in the end.

SerenDippitty · 04/07/2019 08:37

*You haven't explained why you would find a five hour drive more stresfful than a 2 hour flight to Spain. To my ears that sounds disinegeneous because continental flights often are at silly times, involve being there many hours before the actual flight, have additional transport issues attached in terms of getting to the airport UK side and then transfers the other side.

So I don't think you're comparing like with like.*

Agreed. No airport checking in queues,security queues, you can stop whenever YOU want to, and you could always break the journey overnight in a hotel if you want. We always do this when we drive to Scotland.

MysweetAudrina · 04/07/2019 08:42

I think you should compromise, UK this year and abroad next year. It will be more enjoyable when your little one is older. Make sure he agrees to it and agree a destination now.

MysweetAudrina · 04/07/2019 08:42

Or would be consider the chunnel or ferry to france?

Butterymuffin · 04/07/2019 09:16

There needs to be compromise on both sides. Is he going to book and organise this UK break he wants, or is that another admin job that will fall to you?

TemporaryPermanent · 04/07/2019 09:30

I hated, hated holidays abroad when ds was small. We did two and they were miserable tbh. I think it would help if you could accept that his opinion is valid, even though you don't agree.

I think northern France by ferry too. Alternatively,.The Netherlands or Denmark by ferry? But I love the cote d'opale and Brittany. Benodet is fantastic.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2019 09:33

The problem I have with holidays in the UK apart from the fact that most places I have lived in or worked in, is the expense.

For 4 of us crammed into one room will cost more than the flights and hiring a 4 bedroom villa with a pool and guaranteed sunshine.

I had 2 toddlers and actually found going abroad less stressful than being in the UK.

GillT333 · 04/07/2019 09:37

I’ve never found it stressful being in a v hot place with young kids. Provided there’s a pool and/or sea it’s great. Kids live all over the world with all kinds of climates and cope fine! Just need suncream, hat, shade. You’d need all those things if it’s hot in the uk anyway. Plus more likely to have air con abroad.

AlphaBites · 04/07/2019 10:06

OP I get you.
I've been hit with the travel bug recently, my DH is reluctant though. He'd rather go somewhere and relax, but all suggestions from me were met with 'No, don't fancy that. It's too hot/cold/chavvy/far away/close to a beach/far away from a beach/insert bollocks excuse.'
Then add in the 'I don't want to travel far.' Honestly he was driving me mad, he wanted a holiday but didn't know where. I suggested Antarctica
In the end I lost my shit and said he can find it, anyone would think I had tasked him to find the fountain of youth Hmm.

One month on I had enough, so I found a house on Airbnb that looked lovely in Majorca, went from local airport 30 mins away and booked Ryanair flights. I'd happily go cheap and cheerful with random seat booking and scrum it for an overhead cabin but I didn't want the moaning. So I paid for the extras, it was worth it. I'd never been that bold before in our relationship but I know he wouldn't stay home by himself my idea of HEAVEN so I text him saying ' I've booked a trip to Majorca for DD and I, you coming?' He was a bit Angry at being presented with it, but soon got on board when he saw the pics of the place.
We went, it was Awesome.
Came back and I instantly did the same thing for a holiday this year to Channel Islands, then Cyprus and Canada next year. The flights are more expensive to fly at a good time, but I don't care. Do what makes life easier, especially with a youngster and you're only taking the one - it's a holiday after all.
Just book it.

SunnyCoco · 04/07/2019 13:12

I think you're being really trivialising and dismissive of his finding these things stressful.

You say you're on your knees etc, so clearly there are things in your life that are currently stressful.
For him, your version of the holiday would also be stressful.

Different people find different things difficult, try to validate each others feelings on this.

Blueberrysponge · 04/07/2019 13:52

I didn't enjoy any holiday's with the toddlers, can't sit down and enjoy the sun/pool/entertainment/actually talk to anyone...unless they nap, you're just standing up and down, running round after them. I understand why he doesn't want to go. You basically do the same things you do at home but in another country, still stressful.

portocristo · 04/07/2019 13:57

We took our almost two year old to Spain our first hold with him, he is very full in and so we sort of expected it be hard work but we both love Spain. It was an absolute joy our soon was great absolutely love the pool and after 20 mins he was knackered so then had a sleep in the shade and we relaxed , you need a comfy pushchair and a lovely cosy fleecy blanket for when you go and eat and have a drink, another plus he always slept in and we all came with a tan , he also loved the kids disco etc give it a go

portocristo · 04/07/2019 13:58

Sorry bout typos

Mummyshark2018 · 04/07/2019 14:18

My dh not going abroad on holiday would really annoy me. Holidaying in the uk is not like a holiday imo- generally same language, culture, weather, food etc. Yes of course there are fantastic places to visit but it's really expensive to do any activity and most is weather dependent. I like to go somewhere I've never been before and really get away from the busyness of the uk. I would go away on my own with the dc if I were you.