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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband trivial issue effecting marriage

162 replies

RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:10

Ok we have a toddler she is 2.5 years and we are at logger heads. I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) my husband just will not consider a foreign holiday saying he will find it really stressful the whole thing even the journey. But will happily consider and embark on a UK holiday even with a 5 hour drive - which I would find much more stressful than a 2 hour flight to spain. I've even looked into toddler friendly hotels with villas and our own gated pools etc but he wont hear of it. I've said I am really on my knees and need a proper break and I'm considering going on my own. He said I was being ridiculous and changed the subject.

We've been at this for weeks. He always says things are stressful and doesn't want to go to many places because "itll be busy" and other shit excuses but if its something he wants to do like bike shows hes there in a flash!!!!!

Really feeling like crap tonight need to know if IABU and suggestions of where to go etc if at all possible in the UK as a compromise or abroad if I can convince him - or go without him for a week!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:52

So clever well done. Have a great evening and get in the bin.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 03/07/2019 22:54

Can you afford to book just for you? If so, do it.

In fact, book whatever you can afford.

kateandme · 03/07/2019 22:54

somewhere in france.drive and go on ferry.still driving.there are some lovely places there.he will still be in the car.

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:55

France on the ferry is a good shout as a compromise. Googling now thanks.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 03/07/2019 22:56

YANBU

I tend to agree with your DH on the foreign holidays a pain with young kids, but that isn't the point. The point is that you have opposing views and your husband won't be flexible so he gets it all his way.

I think you need a discussion where you point out that this isn't fair and that you expect him to support you in doing the things you love as much as you support him in doing the things he loves (like the bike shows). Then tell him what you want and ask whether he wants to be a happy part of it or whether he wants to support you by letting you go without him. If that doesn't work then counseling (which might be a good idea in any case).

StCharlotte · 03/07/2019 22:56

But you'd rather go to Counselling with him than accept his opinion

But why should his opinion count for more than the OP's opinion?

If the British weather could be relied on, I'd never leave the country, but it can't and I would hate to be stuck here "on holiday" in the pissing rain. Also, once toddler is at school, any holidays will cost double so now's the time to make the best of term time prices.

TowelNumber42 · 03/07/2019 22:56

Did I read correctly that he goes off for cycling weekends? If so, result! Leave the toddler with him. Have a weekend on the continent yourself. Sleep, city walks, books, bliss.

AutumnCrow · 03/07/2019 22:58

If you went to the Med I presume he could get some cycling in? Like James Bond on two wheels.

Flaskfan · 03/07/2019 22:59

Go abroad.took dc aged 8 months and 2 the first time. We thought we'd alternate each year, so did a 9 hr journey to Cornwall in.august.the year after it was cold, expensive and we couldn't swim in.the sea.

Abroad was so.much easier. It was warm everyday and we lived in.the water.

kateandme · 03/07/2019 23:01

in france etc if you book say a campsite.or near there there are often close to geat cycle routes because they place them near to great places for family activitys.so maybe find out more about that for him.
there are also specific cycle route holidays.
isle of white. kind of abroad and its lovely there.

Nomorepies · 03/07/2019 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 23:02

"But you'd rather go to Counselling with him than accept his opinion

But why should his opinion count for more than the OP's opinion?"

Because he doesn't prioritise (which I read to mean like ) holidays at all but is already compromising by suggesting they go anywhere in the UK rather than abroad?

onwardsandupwards1 · 03/07/2019 23:07

Possibly he's knackered and depressed, mourning his old life and missing being at work. When you're depressed leaving your comfort zones be (UK) is hard work.

Talk to him?

ladyflower23 · 03/07/2019 23:08

All inclusive is good. Yes you still have to watch them all the time but at least no meal preparation whatsoever plus keep them up late for kids disco means you get to read book by pool while DC has a nap. The travelling is a hassle but it's worth it for the weather and change of scene imo

SusieSusieSoo · 03/07/2019 23:08

Go with lo. Go somewhere with kids club/crèche. Put lo in there every morning, put your feet up that whole time. Eat the hotel food, play with lo in the afternoons & enjoy kids entertainment in the early evening. Not everyone's cup of tea but an easy holiday if travelling alone with a little one & kids love that kind of holiday xx

Branleuse · 03/07/2019 23:09

Go by yourself. Leave the kid with him. Tell him you were fed up of him whinging and refusing to leave the country, so youre taking a long weekend yourself for some sun

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 23:09

@TowelNumber42 sadly not just days out. He wouldn't even want to particularly go off and cycle on holiday etc but I suppose it could tempt him more to go. Centre parcs just ruins me because its so expensive and I dont think I understand why - is it really that much better than a top of the range caravan on a haven site?!

OP posts:
NorwegianButter · 03/07/2019 23:10

Go abroad by yourself for a short break? I’m off to an uninhabited island for a few days soon, while DH stays at home with DS — he went abroad by himself to do something that wouldn’t interest me last month. Then we’ll go somewhere together with DS for a week.

PregnantSea · 03/07/2019 23:10

Text and him when you aren't together and say "I'm booking holiday in X now, are you coming or not?"

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 23:10

@onwardsandupwards1 we do talk a lot and get nowhere. He does not miss work - if he could give up work he would. Hes not career minded at all but i dont mind that - just saying that's not a reason why he doesn't want to go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 23:11

@PregnantSea oh that's harsh! I like it!

OP posts:
Sofasurfingsally · 03/07/2019 23:12

My DH didn't want to do (refused to do) lots of that I like doing, for years. So like an idiot, I didn't, on the basis of compromise. In the end I went anyway, and lo and behold, he came. And then started to enjoy it. He also stopped doing quite so much of the things he enjoyed each (and every) weekend, as I said fine, but I'm going away for the weekend then, if you're doing that all the time.

Don't be held back. It's a mugs game.

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 23:13

@Sofasurfingsally thank you

OP posts:
stucknoue · 03/07/2019 23:15

The problem is a 2 hour flight equals 8+ hours of travel time - journey to airport, faffing about for a couple of hours this side, flight, customs that side, transfers ... even if you live within 30 mins of a a smallish airport it is very time consuming - I can certainly drive to northern Scotland quicker, probably France too. I would suggest Normandy as a possible compromise, beautiful beaches, historic stuff to visit, abroad but you can take your car

CaptainNelson · 03/07/2019 23:17

My OH comes from a culture where holidays are spent at home. He doesn't get holidays, never went on one as a child, and really really doesn't enjoy them. He's always worrying about the house being empty and spends the whole time thinking about the journey home. I gave up going on holiday with him years ago. I go with the kids. It's great. No compromise, nobody whinging and making my life a misery. With the kids, you do need to choose somewhere where they can be looked after for at least some of the day. I'm not sure how it would be with with just a toddler (I used to go with family when they were little) but IME holidays with someone who doesn't want to be there are not holidays.