Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband trivial issue effecting marriage

162 replies

RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:10

Ok we have a toddler she is 2.5 years and we are at logger heads. I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) my husband just will not consider a foreign holiday saying he will find it really stressful the whole thing even the journey. But will happily consider and embark on a UK holiday even with a 5 hour drive - which I would find much more stressful than a 2 hour flight to spain. I've even looked into toddler friendly hotels with villas and our own gated pools etc but he wont hear of it. I've said I am really on my knees and need a proper break and I'm considering going on my own. He said I was being ridiculous and changed the subject.

We've been at this for weeks. He always says things are stressful and doesn't want to go to many places because "itll be busy" and other shit excuses but if its something he wants to do like bike shows hes there in a flash!!!!!

Really feeling like crap tonight need to know if IABU and suggestions of where to go etc if at all possible in the UK as a compromise or abroad if I can convince him - or go without him for a week!!

OP posts:
Ariela · 03/07/2019 22:31

Jersey or Guernsey, both lovely, nice beaches, fairly child friendly

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:31

Weve been on loads of uk holidays even 4 weeks ago. It rained. A lot. It always does. Weve been on foreign holidays a good few times (maybe once every 2 years for 15 years) but all pre baby. Hes fine with flying. He just sees it all as "a hassle" even when we go on uk holidays he moans. I wonder if he does when he spends time doing things he likes with his friends. I am seriously considering suggesting we go to counselling as this must form part of a bigger issue. Or we want different things and have different priorities in life and need to go our separate ways. Seems so extreme but it really is upsetting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:33

@TowelNumber42 cant afford to just book it without some funds from him. We have a joint bills account but separate savings/day to day accounts.

OP posts:
granadagirl · 03/07/2019 22:34

It’s not a 2 hr flight though us it
Time to airport, 2 hrs before flight at airport?
Flight, then transfer
So can be as much as 5/6 hours before you get there

Don’t get me wrong I’ve done both

Passtherioja · 03/07/2019 22:34

Holidays with small children are not relaxing-you'll need eyes in your arse!! Add to that the constant sun cream, hat, getting enough fluids down them ...

I love foreign holidays but I did 8 years of Haven, holiday camp, dodgy disco dancing etc (until my youngest was 8, eldest was 11) then we went to Spain and has a fabulous time. I was a single parent though so I had a double hand full!!

Little ones love the holiday club things- I doubt anyone without kids would go!!

If this is your first holiday try a UK beach holiday at a camp (remember your bingo dabber!!) They're only little once, it's gets easier....

Now mine are bigger we'll be in Spain again this year and my "eyes in my arse" will be focusing on keeping my 13 year old DD in view!!

Whatever you decide, have a fabulous time x

justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 22:35

"I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) "

What does this line mean? You both work full time and share household responsibilities but you describe yourself as the bread winner, insinuating that he isn't?

Yes. Go to Counselling. This sounds less about a difference of opinions and more like you might consider yourself to be the boss of him.

AutumnCrow · 03/07/2019 22:35

Has he taken up cycling?

MissChananderlerbong · 03/07/2019 22:38

Is he anxious about it? Scared of flying or being abroad? The fact he's protesting as much as he is makes me think there's something more going on.
We went to ibiza last year with a 4 month old and 3 year old and had an amazing time! It's not as easy as going without kids, but it was easier than being in the UK because DH wasnt at work! Pick a kid friendly resort with loads to occupy them

LizzieSiddal · 03/07/2019 22:38

I am seriously considering suggesting we go to counselling as this must form part of a bigger issue.

I think you’re right. Him moaning about doing things you want whilst happily doing things he likes, is not the basis of a happy marriage.

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:38

He has always done cycling so nothing new

I am the breadwinner so I mean we can more than afford it and i know that because i earn the most - it wasnt supposed to sound insulting.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 03/07/2019 22:38

I was with you until you compared a 5 hour car journey to a 2 hour flight. I love holidays abroad and even I would argue that a 5 hour drive is a million times easier, especially with a small child. A 2 hour flight takes way longer all in then a 5 hour drive.

But that’s not really the point! You would love to go abroad and he doesn’t. Could you agree one time abroad, next time UK so you both get what you want?

justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 22:40

"I am the breadwinner so I mean we can more than afford it and i know that because i earn the most - it wasnt supposed to sound insulting."

No, I don't read that from what your wrote at all, which was:

"I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time)"

You mentioned nothing about cost but insinuated that you must be the person who wants and needs a holiday the most - followed by a reference to your income.

Butterfly02 · 03/07/2019 22:42

I've holidayed abroad as a single parent from eldest being 1 - IMO if your relaxed kids will be, the journey is part of the adventure (exploring airport, even plane Loo's!). Most short haul destinations are really kid friendly. Only time I don't take them abroad is height of summer its no fun if its too hot and your always having to keep them out of sun. Costa brava, ibiza, Minorca, canaries all great kid friendly destinations.

UK based north Norfolk, north wales, tenby, north Yorkshire coast (Whitby down to filey), Northumberland coast all great holiday destinations.

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:42

That's not what I meant but nice psycho evaluation

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 03/07/2019 22:42

Sorry just seen your update. It would bother me as well. It’s horrible to think he’s happy to do things with friends but not with his own immediate family. I do get where you are coming from. It’s not just about a holiday.

Gintonic · 03/07/2019 22:42

I think your holiday sounds stressful too - toddler on a plane, hanging round airports, having to fit all your stuff in a couple of bags. Then when you get there it's hot, constant suncreme applications, risk of toddler falling in pools or lost on a beach, it ain't that relaxing. If you like that sort of holidays that's fine, but I don't think he is mad for wanting something different.

If you need a break then seriously, go on your own and leave the toddler behind with him. Hi days with toddlers are not relaxing, wherever they are.

justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 22:43

You both work full time. You both share the household chores.

But it seems that you consider your idea of a family holiday to be way more important than his.

And you're 'breadwinner' apparently. Which, what, invalidates his opinion?

Purpleartichoke · 03/07/2019 22:43

You don’t need to go far to get a mental break. We have even just checked into a hotel in our own city. Makes a huge difference.

I find it hard to believe you. Any find someplace nearby to refresh and recharge.

Bluerussian · 03/07/2019 22:43

There are plenty of gorgeous places to holiday over here, maybe not five hours away by car.

SeaToSki · 03/07/2019 22:44

Find a holiday abroad with a kids club that takes two year olds and a bike experience/training/tour de france style package. Something for him and something for you

Allhailthesun · 03/07/2019 22:45

Go with friends. Leave the toddler with him.

Original poster
RockyRolly · 03/07/2019 22:46

@justkeepsinging 🙄

Thanks for the helpful replies.food for thought.

OP posts:
justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 22:48

"Holidays are not high on his list so it's always been a bit of a struggle - having a toddler is just another great reason not to go! In his eyes. Problem is he really needs a holiday too but he refuses to accept that even though hes obviously stressed a lot and people tell him he needs a holiday just by looking at him confused"

He doesn't like holidays but instead of respecting what he says you tell him he's wrong.

And you wonder why you're at loggerheads?

For someone who isn't keen on holidays he appears to have compromised by suggesting somewhere (anywhere) in the UK. But you'd rather go to Counselling with him than accept his opinion Confused

justkeepsinging · 03/07/2019 22:49

"@justkeepsinging 🙄

Thanks for the helpful replies.food for thought."

You're welcome, it shows strength of character on your part that you're willing to listen to views other than your own.

GillT333 · 03/07/2019 22:51

I totally get your POV and it would be a serious issue for me. No advice but lots of empathy. We’ve taken ours abroad since 4 months old and loved it. One has autism as well. Careful choosing and planning can lead to a great foreign holiday. I have friends who didn’t do it until their kids were about 5 due to nerves then regretted waiting so long. Good luck