Husband trivial issue effecting marriage

[RockyRolly]

Ok we have a toddler she is 2.5 years and we are at logger heads. I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) my husband just will not consider a foreign holiday saying he will find it really stressful the whole thing even the journey. But will happily consider and embark on a UK holiday even with a 5 hour drive - which I would find much more stressful than a 2 hour flight to spain. I've even looked into toddler friendly hotels with villas and our own gated pools etc but he wont hear of it. I've said I am really on my knees and need a proper break and I'm considering going on my own. He said I was being ridiculous and changed the subject.

We've been at this for weeks. He always says things are stressful and doesn't want to go to many places because "itll be busy" and other shit excuses but if its something he wants to do like bike shows hes there in a flash!!!!!

Really feeling like crap tonight need to know if IABU and suggestions of where to go etc if at all possible in the UK as a compromise or abroad if I can convince him - or go without him for a week!!

Not RTFT but if you can afford it, Center Parcs is amazing. It is so peaceful.

I found holidays abroad stressful too. So I agree with him. Book a UK holiday instead. Centre Parcs are great.

To get a proper rest you need somewhere with half/full board and kids clubs really - we found an old-fashioned UK holiday camp when the dc were little and it was just the job. Loads of activities laid on, entertainment team etc, and no cooking to worry about.

My friend wont fly. He has had everything, drugs, hypnotism, BA get over the fear flight.

His wife wanted to go and see their son in Spain, she flew he went by train.

People like the OP who say it's only a 2 hour flight, well it isn't to people who hate flying - it is 2 hours of hell followed by an entire holiday dreading the flight back.

So book for Spain - you and toddler can fly and he will be there 3 days later via Eurostar and of course he will leave 3 days early.

I detest holidays. I've spent years getting the house the way I want it. Why would I want to go and be in a room somewhere else. I like cooking but I can go and eat out if I want t o and it doesn't need to be a 2 hour flight away.

I wouldn't be held back - I'd be saying that if he didn't want to do this it isn't fair to stop you. And I'd take my child and go abroad.

I get that compromise is essential - which, presumably is why you have previously holiday-ed in the UK. Compromise is a 2 way street.

I'm not actually sure a foreign holiday is any more stressful than one in the UK - its not like you can take your eyes off them in the UK either.... I've always travelled with mine - and for flights much longer than a couple of hours too...

I can't get past the remark that your husband "wouldn't let" you take your daughter.

What do you mean? You do know that you're an adult and presumably quite capable of parenting your own child without him, don't you?

From your comments it seems there's a lot more going on than disagreeing on where to go for a holiday. The 'I need a holiday ' 'I'm the bread winner' type statements seem to show you feel more deserving. Saying that you've been thinking about counselling says a lot.

People on here telling you to ' Just go!' 'Leave the toddler with him!' are just going to inflame more resentment. Seriously-just go?! Its that type of Mumsnet comment that sounds all firey and taking a stand (look at me! I'm independent! Fuck the relationship!) That posters wouldn't actually do in real life I can't imagine doing that just because my DH and I are going through a rough patch and can't compromise on a holiday destination!!

Would be a fabulous idea to persue the counselling option. Obviously we only hear one side of the story. E.g. perhaps these cycling trips are getting away from OP? Maybe DH feels shit at working FT and not being seen as an equal? Just thoughts of course!

Forced talking (counselling) might even just help compromise on a holiday? Maybe the issues are just because you are both stressed and knackered? Personally I agree with your DH re destination (having had holidays in various countries). A centre Parcs ensures there's options if the British weather is shit.

Look if you drag him along and the holidays isn’t great for any reason ( sick child, too hot/wet, crowded etc etc) you’ll have lost him for good. It’s no fun going with people that don%’t want to be there.
Why can’t you just go? It will be amazing once you get used to not having to think about DH and toddler. There are many singles holidays - yoga, adventure, horse riding holidays if you want company whilst away.
At 2.5 your baby won’t remember anything about it, Your DH can take her 5 hours drive in the UK if he wants.

BettyspantsWhy would her DH be resentful? He doesn’t want to go abroad. Op is comprised because she wants to go as a family.

It’s not taking a stand! it’s just normal life. Married people are allowed separate hobbies, interest and holidays. I amazed you think people don’t do this in real life. Every single one of my friends ( and my mum) go away without their husbands.

I don't think you can call yourself the breadwinner when your DH works full time too, albeit on a lower salary. That is quite demeaning to him when he obviously contributes too.

Sounds like your problems are bigger than where you are going on holiday and neither of you sound willing to compromise. He wants UK which I can understand with a very young child but equally he does not appear to want to meet you halfway. Can you say UK this year and abroad next year when your daughter is older?

The logistics of taking a two hour flight, when you factor in getting to the airport, checking in 2 hours before, possible delays, getting through customs, travelling to destination at the other end - ends up much longer than a five hour drive in the UK would. And hugely more stressful. I agree with your dh.

I am with you OP on Centre Parcs.

You take a week off and fly abroad and have a week alone to recharge (or ask a friend) and then swap. He can do a week cycling

Allhail- of course it's fine to have seperate holidays if both are in agreement- that's not what I said . It's not ok in an adult relationship with a child involved to suddenly announce you're off, or to arrange a holiday independently without equal discussion (unless of course your DP is happy with that!).

If counselling is already being thought of that's a fabulous way to inflame more issues, OP has already mentioned the possibility of going their seperate ways. Slightly more to this than a holiday destination .

Book it and go.

While I agree that a 2 hour flight isn't just 2 hours, I do think it's easier than a 5 hour car drive, because the child isn't stuck in the same seat and in the same environment for the same length of time. There are different things to keep them amused and entertained. I took my two DDs (aged 1 and 3 at the time) on a flight to Edinburgh, thinking that it would be a short trip that they could handle. But after a taxi to the airport and a few hours killing time, our flight was cancelled. We had to get a taxi to a different airport to get a different flight and then the taxi at the other end. All in all, it was 12 hours, but both DDs managed it and were (miraculously) tantrum free because they could walk around and there were different things for them to do. That's a very long winded way of saying that I understand why the OP thinks a 2 hour flight would be easier.

Ultimately, relationships are about compromise, and perhaps the compromise here is a ferry or Eurotunnel to France and then a drive to the south of France. Still a fair way but you can do it in stages, in the car as your DP would prefer, and you get the holiday abroad that you would like. You could do overnight stays on the way to make it easier too. I think you just need to find the compromise that works for both of you.

But a "2hr flight to Spain" isn't really that is it?
It's getting there 2hrs before take-off then a 2hr flight, then getting your bags & getting through passport control.
And that's after you've packed everything you think you'll need for your toddler while you're away.
When my son was young, I found it much easier to pack the car up - taking more than I'd ever be able to take on the plane - and head off. We went to Ireland twice with him - an estate car full of stuff

Just book a holiday for you and your daughter without his knowledge. Tell him the day before and then just leave and go have fun.
He doesn't seem to have any trouble going off without you and without consulting you, so you can do the same.

We’ve holiday lots from when ours were 12 months old. I agree with a PP, if you're Relaxed your children will be.

Before ours started school we did Mark Warner a few times, they have exceptional Nannies and child care provision with great ratios. This allowed us to truly relax for a few hours a day. The prices drop substantially from the second week in September. Look at Sardinia and Corsica for short flights.

Holidays are awesome with children, playing in sand, lots of time together and a new adventure every time.

I hope you can change his mind!

My DH has often been a bit meh about holidays and often made comments that he would prefer to stay at home and just go fishing (his hobby) every day instead. Of course when the DCs were young, there was an unspoken assumption that I provided default childcare for his "fishing holiday" with no reciprocation whatsoever. We tried this once and it was not a holiday of any kind for me, staying at home trying to entertain the kids, with miserable weather. To make things worse, he expected to come after his days out to find a cooked meal waiting for him at night. After working full-time all year, this was no fun for me or the kids.

Centre Parks is not a great option as my skin does not like chlorine.
We did Devon and Cornwall, Wales and always ended up walking around in the rain with whingeing kids who had expected a beach holiday. Last time we went to Woolacombe, we had to pay extra for bed linen and there was an electricity metre that simply ate pound coins. Compared to a trip to Spain in August it cost a fortune. Britain is great when the sun shines, but it is impossible to guarantee that it will.

In the end OP, I would book a cheap package holiday somewhere guaranteed to be warm and give him the option of whether or not to come. Far easier to entertain DCs on the beach and in the pool.

These days our kids are grown up. I simply love to get away to somewhere I can swim in the warm Mediterranean sea. It costs less than a holiday cottage in the UK, where we have to cook and budget carefully to eat out. DH knows I would simply go on my own or take whichever of the adults DCs who can come at the time for a freebie.

Agree OP Center Parcs is NOT ‘always lovely”. It’s oppressive and overpriced. No nice food - all chains. And a grim chlorinated shopping centre parked in the middle of the deep, dark wood. Countryside for people that don’t like the country.

We have three children and we always jumped on a plane and had a relaxing holiday...I definitely would rather jumping in and out of a pool and slapping on sunblock over a wet ,expensive holiday in the uk . My children are now very young adults and still chat about our holidays in the Mediterranean. Definitely cheaper and more fun with a change of culture as well .!!

LizB62A

I was brought up in Ireland. The reason it is known as the Emerald Isle is because it can rain every single day, winter or summer. After a few years of this it gets repetitive. I love to visit family there, but never expect decent weather and always take waterproofs.

Go on holiday without hubby and child, simples

5hrs in a car vs 2 hrs on a plane with a toddler, where you have to add the getting to the airport, going through immigration, baggage claim etc etc - I'll take the car every single time.

Your DH sounds pretty sensible to me.