Husband trivial issue effecting marriage

[RockyRolly]

Ok we have a toddler she is 2.5 years and we are at logger heads. I really want and need a holiday (bread winner, do all the admin at home but we equally share housework, cooking etc and both work full time) my husband just will not consider a foreign holiday saying he will find it really stressful the whole thing even the journey. But will happily consider and embark on a UK holiday even with a 5 hour drive - which I would find much more stressful than a 2 hour flight to spain. I've even looked into toddler friendly hotels with villas and our own gated pools etc but he wont hear of it. I've said I am really on my knees and need a proper break and I'm considering going on my own. He said I was being ridiculous and changed the subject.

We've been at this for weeks. He always says things are stressful and doesn't want to go to many places because "itll be busy" and other shit excuses but if its something he wants to do like bike shows hes there in a flash!!!!!

Really feeling like crap tonight need to know if IABU and suggestions of where to go etc if at all possible in the UK as a compromise or abroad if I can convince him - or go without him for a week!!

A 2 hour flight involves two hours each side at airports on a good day so that's at least 6 hours and then the journey times to and from them.
Why are you insisting on going abroad?
There's beautiful places in UK.

I get wanting to holiday in the UK. We've had great holidays here and abroad but here was definitely preferable when the children were younger.

Going abroad and having to take everything, too hot for them to go beyond the confines of a sun shade, food that they aren't used to, illnesses that necessitate finding drs, language barriers etc were not relaxing in any way. From about 5 onwards holidays abroad were great. Below that it was like a military manoeuvre rather than a relaxing break.

Dh has been like this for 20 years. I holiday with just me and dd as he refuses to come. But happily goes on sport activity holidays with friends. I find it very upsetting.

Soon dd won't want to come with me. Friends are married. So I either go on my own or don't go. I'd like someone to talk to, etc. So a holiday on my own wouldn't be as good.

France on the ferry. Get a bike rack for the car, take his and get one for you. Put a child seat on his bike and compromise. Have some days at some of the lovely beaches. You could book to stay at one of the family friendly mobile home parks with pool and restaurant. Lovely days on the fabulous beaches, evenings sat outside whilst the little one is in bed relaxing. Lots of routes to France - he can drive or you have a choice of ferries to get there. Much better with a little one than hanging around airports. If he won’t do France this year try UK or Channel Islands.

I always went abroad with toddlers.

I always enjoyed it. Though it is not relaxing at all. The uk holidays were more relaxing.

But I love going abroad. So see booths point of view.

I would ask him at what age he would consider going abroad again. It he says, when the child is 15. I would tell him to bollocks. I would holiday abroad for another couple of years. Then start going abroad again.

Or go without him.

Sounds like one of you will be miserable whichever holiday option you choose.

Can you just book a trip away for you? For a long weekend?

of course it's fine to have seperate holidays if both are in agreement- that's not what I said . It's not ok in an adult relationship with a child involved to suddenly announce you're off, or to arrange a holiday independently without equal discussion (unless of course your DP is happy with that!).
I see what you are saying but
a) Op won’t suddenly be off.They have been talking about this for weeks.
b)There has been an equal discussion.
c)We don’t know why her DH called the idea of going alone “ridiculous”.Could be he doesn’t want to go without her, could be he sees it as a waste of household income.
d)Her DH is Ok with them doing there own thing as he goes off on cycling weekends alone.

He doesn’t like abroad. She doesn’t want UK. It doesn’t matter how well or not their relationship is going. There is a solution and that is to holiday apart.
When you holiday together in a shit relationship, where one of you has massively compromised in location, you are simply asking for a miserable time.

Mine complains whatever we do so I just book what I want so at least one of us is happy ( although I think he enjoys complaining)
But given he cycles , we went to somewhere called la sportif ( I think) in lanzarote when DS was young- it was a triathlon/sports resort but also a nice resort with lots of activities and restaurants - so we did all enjoy it

Centre Parcs is much better that Haven and is nothing like a caravan site, there are loads of options and the spa is lovely. I agree with your DH regarding holidays abroad with a small child, if he knows he won’t relax then it’s not fair for you to expect him to just give in. This is what I’ve done with DH as he has a similar opinion on going abroad, thankfully I see his point.

A holiday is just different when you have children, wherever you go the first few days are just like being at home in terms of work. Find somewhere uk based for your family holiday but then book yourself a few days away somewhere to relax afterwards. They’re 2 different types of holidays, I’d keep them that way so that I don’t feel like I’ve been stressed out for my one and only holiday of the year.

Yanbu. We have taken ds abroad from 6 months old and he is no more trouble than at home. In fact he is much better because hes busy occupied at all the new and interesting things to see and do. Your dh is being ridiculous. He sounds like a couple I know who refused to take their child anywhere before age 3 because they read somewhere that 3yo is the age when kids behave better. So they went on holiday and their dd was an absolute nightmare. It was a horrible trip for them. Not sure what they expected, how will they learn if they arent exposed.

Out there post, but I wonder if it’s a money issue. Have you seen his savings accounts? Although they don’t end up cheaper, I think a lot of people think they are. Don’t want to worry you, but I was in a similar situation and the other person was in a lot of debt.

To the Op. You wanted recommendations not judgements.
I ‘d give Mallorca one last shot as a family holiday - fabulous cycling for him ( book a club tour up) beautiful beaches, pools etc for you. Avoiding the club 18-30 end. Short flight.

A cruise for you and DD. Stress free holiday. Kids club for her in the evenings, you get to see a bit of Europe and it’s easy to chat and make friends.

Uk. Isle of Wight. Although possibly crowded. It’s got boat travel so feels a bit more “away”, weathers good, beaches are lovely.

I should have said people often think UK holidays are often considered cheaper. Especially as you often just have outlay of Cottage etc.

I second the cruise idea. You can go from Southampton. There are kids' clubs on board and loads to do for kids on the 'family' cruise liners.

What about somewhere like Jersey that feels like a proper trip for you but isn’t far and is English speaking etc for him?

Or you and DD fly to France and he drives there and arrives a day or later?

If he’s into cycling then France may tock his boxes as some amazing cycle routes if you go near the mountains.

Find a holiday abroad that has things that appeal to him- sport, cuisine, culture etc.

But yes, frustrating as hell as he seems to be digging his heels in rather for the sake of it.

Am with him completely on bringing toddler somewhere hot, sounds miserable tbh. Never get why people do that.

Can you go in the next few weeks? If he's into cycling, have a look at the map of the Tour de France and see if you can find somewhere to stay near the route. A section in between a finish on one day and a start on another. Then he can take himself off for a day or two to watch. We did this last year and it was brilliant and enjoyed the rest of the week having a nice holiday in a gite with pool. Booked last minute and there were loads of options. Even managed to drive and park very close to a walkable section of the route. No hassle at all.

Five hours in a car with a toddler....no thanks!

Short flight to Spain or ferry to France...yes please.

If he doesn’t want to go, then okay but telling you that you can’t go and take your Dd is not okay whatsoever. The fact that he will go away with friends and do his hobby

Surface level issue: could you suggest a ‘staycation’ rest break your DH would be happy with if you get the break of your choice at a different time? I know of couples who have separate holidays because their ideas of a good time are so at odds.

Deeper issue: the holiday is a bit of a smokescreen for other divisions between you? If so, yes, some relationship therapy might be helpful.

Anthony you may well find that your married friends would enjoy a holiday away with you, I have at least a week away a year (which I consider my ‘main’ holiday) with a friend, leaving my DH behind. We just like different types of holidays, he is off skiing with our DS this year, I have no interest in skiing and will happily stay home alone.

And actually holidaying alone is great fun, you find many more people will talk to you than if you are coupled up or with a friend.

I find flying with toddlers really fun. As long as its not a long flight. The longest we've done is 5 hrs but we've done 1 and 2 hrs flights at least twice a year since DD was born. She's 4. I flew on my own with her when she was just 2 monthz. She loves the airport, the plane etc. You just take lots of snacks and make everything a game. Holidays at home are nice but you make so many different memories abroad and I would be devastated if someone refused to let me do that. Is he always this controlling? Is he scared of flying? Definitely go without him.

We have done a 11 hour long haul flight to the USA and drove from Manchester to France. I found the driving more stressful.
I found it easier to entertain the kids on the plane and play with them. It is harder when they are strapped in the car seat. It is hard to concentrate on driving with small children fussing. In the UK we go north Wales as it is only 90minute drive.

I think he is making a huge deal out of something that doesn’t need to be. It’s really just one week. Fair enough toddlers are a handful on flights etc but once you get there it’s great.

And for everyone suggesting a UK holiday - if you get the weather, great, bit it’s not guaranteed. And the majority of UK breaks rely on you either going self catering or eating out at often rank places. Know All inclusive gets a bashing on here but it’s a week of meals that you don’t need to organise, prepare and wash up after! For me that’s a huge part of being able to relax, knowing that I don’t have that daily grind.

As someone who has gone abroad and many times since DC babies... flying with a toddler is not relaxing! By the time you drive to the airport, get bags from car, check in, get through security, eat, change nappy etc (so needing to arrive well before departure time), board, then fly, do same in reverse then pickup car at other end then drive on the wrong side of the road to find your destination.... you are looking at at least 6-8 hrs total journey for a 2 hr flight. It’s certainly possible but not necessarily quicker or less stressful than 5 hrs in the UK.