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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 10:08

@jennymanara

Everyone I've ever met loves my DH Grin it's me they don't like but it's just mums who meet up in my village. There's some kind of stigma if a dad takes his kids somewhere here. All the groups are mum and child groups. DH would stick out like a sore thumb, we haven't seen a dad his age at all since we moved here. I feel horrible for his sake. Dad's want parent friends too. He's good friends with our NDNs and they just had their 8th grandchild but it's hard to find common ground.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 10:10

TBH I couldnt say anything but "yes of course he can come but lets take two cars"....Ive told my OH he has to come on this one trip, so it will essentially be two families on their own days out with the odd passing comment re: the neighbourhood, and the pre-school.

My OH and his have hung out at our respective bbqs and parties- tbh they dont mesh, very different people. I dont think the husband tags along to make friends with me (although he is perfectly nice), but rather as many have pointed out to hang out with his family. Its just for me it changes the dynamic and I wont be hanging out with them again after this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 10:12

Also just to pick up on this comment that many people make, my husband does have his own dad friends- and takes our LO to soft play with their kids or to a party without me etc.

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 04/07/2019 10:19

@Independentlondoner Maybe the husband doesnt see the wife/child very often, and this means they get to spend time together? It is the childs father you konw - why is he odd is wanting to come along to spend time with his child?

Maybe the father works from home and lives and insolated life because of it and the outings with others is his only time to meet other people?

You sound very judgemental and for no good reason either. Not everyone else's life follows the same schedule you know OP? Try and be a little more understanding. If you dont like the dad tagging along - maybe explain to the mum you feel her husband is an intruder and let the friendship fizzle out.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 10:19

@Awaywiththefairies27 sounds a strange place

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 10:22

The husband and wife both do the same hours and commute as me.....I fully appreciate wanting to spend time with your family I personally dont think that means both parents need attend a park play date which takes 1.5hrs max on a weekend.

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 04/07/2019 10:26

Well - they might feel differently - they might want to spend time together - with others. Look - you dont like it and thats ok - thats fine, youre allowed to find it odd. Let the friendship phase out.

Quintella · 04/07/2019 10:26

Doing most of your socialising with your husband/wife – normal

Refusing any social invite that does not include your husband/wife – really not normal and in my experience usually indicates trust and/or control issues in the relationship.

Another123 · 04/07/2019 10:27

Most of my social life involves DP, either with a group of friends/family or on our own.

After working, housework and independent hobbies it's only a few hours in the week and weekends that we are free to socialise.

I have friends that I meet one on one with but I'm not interested in a new friendship like this as I don't have time. Maybe that's the case for OP's neighbour, why assume she's always with her DH?

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 10:27

They can feel differently, but the neighbour should have made it clear that she was inviting OP to tag along to the park with her, DH and kids. I would personally say no to that invite, but might have said yes if I thought it was just her and the kids.

CloudPop · 04/07/2019 10:34

I'm always startled by women who go clothes shopping with their husbands, and ask for verification from them before they choose anything. I can't imagine doing that (and I thoroughly enjoy my husband's company and we spend a lot of time together - just not all of it)

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 10:56

I hate going clothes shopping with anyone.
My mum used to take me as a teenager or my dad when she went clothes shopping to get our views. But she had very little confidence.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 10:57

@jennymanara

It's mostly old retired here, very small village. Only families that come are holiday makers. School has 70 kids total all from rural homes outside the village and no dads do drop offs or pick ups. It's VERY weird to me. But we're moving somewhere soon a bit more... sociable Grin

Don't think it's helps that we're foreign.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 11:02

I simply thought the point of a play date was for the kids to play and the parents to get to know eachother.

Aren't dads parents then?

whothedaddy · 04/07/2019 11:04

This frustrates the hell out of me. Whenever I ask my elder sister if we can get together her response is always "I'll have to ask Hubby first" or "sorry Hubby is working that day". They have two cars and both drive. I want to hang out with my sister not him- not helped by the fact I find him totally obnoxious.

I also had my mum on the phone this week, apparently both her and my grandmother find my partner rude. Transpires that the fact that he doesn't come with me every time I see one of them means he doesn't like them...never mind the fact that we both have lots to do and not enough free time to do it in. If i wanted a male that followed me everywhere I went I would have got a dog not a boyfriend.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 11:04

, I am not desperate to get this woman alone to offload a load of emotional issues.

But you said that this was why you didn't want men along - because it stopped conversations about problems etc.

OK, but with all due respect, so what? The OP isn't asking you.

Well, she kind of did by asking a question in AIBU.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 11:09

In terms of the village. People here have always been here iykwim. DH is half English, born here with thick queen's English accent but looks Eastern European. As soon as he talks you can visibly see people relax Hmm hence why they want me to buffer until they talk to him for 2mins and realise he's not a threat.

It was no problem in the South but up North people are a bit weird with us. I'm Belgian, scandi, Irish born here and people aren't weird to me if I'm on my own.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:11

@decomposing you are ignoring what people are actually saying.
If you want a play date involving your DH, you and another woman, then make it clear that you are bringing your DH too. OPs neighbour did not.

Many people myself included would feel like a third wheel spending time with a couple with kids, if I did not really know that couple. And I may like the neighbour and be happy to chat, but dislike her DH.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:12

And yes IME play dates do tend to be one parent with kids, whether a mum or dad.

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 11:14

This thread just makes me thankful that all my friends get it, and are like-minded, kindred spirits who don't need every-day, social niceties explained to them.

I'm slightly incredulous at how (deliberately?) obtuse some people are being.

yes - dads are parents, too...

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 11:22

But you said that this was why you didn't want men along - because it stopped conversations about problems etc

Im saying thats what having independent friendships from my husband means to me, sometimes it means chatting about crap my husband would yawn at . Me and NDN may not having that much in common but we cannot find out with the husband there.

Anyway this friendship isnt for me, everyone has made me see this is their way of doing things and we just wont mesh

OP posts:
that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 11:25

Many people myself included would feel like a third wheel spending time with a couple with kids, if I did not really know that couple.

sorry, but that's weird. You are hardly intruding on the intimacy of a couple when they are taking the kids to a public place. It's not joining them in a romantic restaurant on Valentine's. You don't have couple friends, you don't meet couples if you are on your own?

I don't get this "mummy friends" either - you don't take your kids to the park or somewhere with another dad? Does it have to be the mum always?

The sad thing is, many women genuinely reject male presence. A very close friend of mine is a widower, and his experience as a single dad is astonishing, and not in a good way. Funnily enough, the idea of a couple wanted to actually spend time together and with their own kids doesn't seem that outrageous to him.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:36

@that25c I have never used the phrase mummy friends. And I specifically said that IME play dates are with a mum or dad only and kids. Don't pretend I said something I had not.

And if you don't understand why it is more awkward being on a play date with another couple you barely know and by yourself with your kids, I really do not think you understand underlying social dynamics. But you have already said you never go anywhere socially without your husband, so you have never had the experience of being with your kids on a play date and another couple with their kids.

Yes of course I have couple friends. Yes I would meet actual friends who are couples on my own without my DP, but a bit rich for you to say it would be strange if I wouldn't, as you certainly wouldn't. The point is not meeting couples who are actual friends on my own. The point is meeting a couple who you barely know with their kids at the park.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:40

Also I have never known single dads who are actually decent people get rejected by other mums, sometimes the opposite. The single dads who get rejected socially are those who behave like sexist men and try and dominate and talk over groups of women, or men who are in other ways unpopular. I have no time for that kind of shit. And if to exclude a man like that I need to say, lets just have a woman's night out, then yes I will say that. But the issue is that individual.

Actually reminds me of Motherland with the unpopular Kevin moaning that most of the mums do not want to spend time with him because he is a man. Then another dad comes to the group who is incredibly popular with the mums. Sometimes the issue is you.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:42

I do have a very very low tolerance for sexist behaviour. And I do see women insisting their DHs are lovely while tolerating stuff I would not in a million years.