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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 11:42

jennymanara
You might not have mentioned mummys friends, others have.
so you have never had the experience of being with your kids on a play date and another couple with their kids.

Don't be daft, I probably have more experience of that than you do because I don't reject the idea like you!

Not only I don't find it more awkward, but it's actually easier to speak with 2 adults than with one only, no blank in the conversation, but each to their own hey.

As I wrote before, I get that you are picturing a completely different reality than mine when I say I won't socialise without my husband when I can avoid it. You are basing your own ideas on your weird experience, not on my real life. But you are making ridiculous assumptions!

Bananallama858 · 04/07/2019 11:45

Very awkward - I have friends like this. It’s not healthy imo.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 11:46

The single dads who get rejected socially are those who behave like sexist men and try and dominate and talk over groups of women, or men who are in other ways unpopular.

absolute fucking bollocks

I have seen myself women voting to reject a MAN in a parental group, I have seen DH being tutted at because he dared coming to a baby weight clinic, I have seen a lot of anti-men behaviour in real life, and not targeted at a specific individual.

The suspicion and unpleasantness towards a male that can not be trusted with a child, when a mother would be fine is not invented.

Just read this forum and see how many posters stated that they would not allow a dad to drive their daughter back home, host a play date and take the kids out!

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:49

@that25c Okay so you do in fact socialise without your husband? I had thought you didn't.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 11:53

jennymanara
do you mean do I lock myself in my bedroom unless my DH is around? What do you think Hmm

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:53

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019
And I have seen women not recognise sexist behaviour unless it is extreme. If that was an ordinary parents group, there must have been an issue with that man for them to vote to exclude him, even if you could not see it.

And many many women have had the experience as teenagers of a friends dad come on to them when he gave them a lift home. Sadly it is not uncommon. So no I would not let a man I hardly know give a teenage daughter a lift home alone either.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 11:54

Actually reminds me of Motherland with the unpopular Kevin moaning that most of the mums do not want to spend time with him because he is a man. Then another dad comes to the group who is incredibly popular with the mums. Sometimes the issue is you

derailing but hahaha- love that episode!

OP posts:
that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 11:56

there must have been an issue with that man for them to vote to exclude him, even if you could not see it.

I assure you that in the cases I have in mind it was an issue about gender, not a specific individual. The answer was, and still is: tell the men to start their own group.

Same women will probably moan that their own husband are not involved enough in chores and child care, you wonder why.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:56

@that25c I thought you were one of the posters who said you would not socialise without your husband. Now you say you do in fact socialise without your husband.
The vast majority of couples in Britain socialise with and without their partners. That is normal. And you are doing the same.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 11:57

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 Then it was not an ordinary parents group. I have heard that said about feminist groups for example.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 12:00

I thought you were one of the posters who said you would not socialise without your husband.

I know what you thought, you should actually read my posts properly and see the difference between what I wrote and what you read.

I don't like to socialise without my DH, and I can't see the point of not being with him when I can. We actually enjoy being together as a family, shocking as it is. If you translate that as being socially inadequate, a weirdo, useless and other charming words used by various posters along this thread, it's your problem. I don't really care. I am just amused that the dynamic of other couples can cause so much upset for some.

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 12:03

So you don't like to socialise without your DH, but do when you have no choice?

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 12:06

And nobody has said they don't like being together as a family, so don't pretend that is shocking.
I suspect now you are just on the wind up.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 12:14

jennymanara

read the thread, there were many comments in the line of a DH being delighted to have a couple of hours of peace at the weekend and so on.

If you actually read the posts, it would make the discussion on this thread a bit less random.

It's extraordinary that you have to think another couple dynamic can just be a wind up because it doesn't match your own rules or expectations. Unless you are actually on a wind-up, which would explain a few things!

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 12:20

@that25c Someone saying their DH would be delighted to have a few hours to themselves is very very different from saying that you don't enjoy spending time together as a family.
I love socialising, but I also need a bit of time to myself. I too when working full time would have been delighted with a few hours to myself. Because I find being with people 24/7 all the time difficult. I also love my family and love spending time with DH. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Just as socialising with your DH and socialising without your DH can both happen, and you can enjoy both.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 12:28

@jennymanara

Just as socialising with your DH and socialising without your DH can both happen, and you can enjoy both.

Just because we are capable of enjoying something, doesn't mean we do. We're all different people with different lives after all.

We're capable of going out without our DHs but if the option is there for him to come too and it makes it enjoyable to us when it otherwise wouldn't be, why shouldn't we bring him?

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 12:31

@awaywiththefairies Do you enjoy socialising without your DH?

MarthasGinYard · 04/07/2019 12:32

'why shouldn't we bring him?'

Because unannounced it's a little rude, but let me know and then I can cancel my day out with you. You can then just go with your DH which you would be much more comfortable with.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 12:59

No, I don't. I don't seek out friends for myself. I have old friends on fb but we rarely talk and if we do it's just about kids and their problems with their DHs. (Which is fine, I love these people and I know they need to socialise this way).

I'm not socially anxious or awkward and have no trouble making friends when I try, I just don't enjoy it.

I don't enjoy the chit chat, etc. I can and do go to the shops alone, hairdressers and so on.

Agree with you that OP should have been made aware casually about NDNs DH being present. Honestly though, it wouldn't have blipped on my radar prior to reading this post. I'll think more carefully about it in the future.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 13:12

OP, can't remember if it was said before but is it possible NDN is just wanting a surface friendship so dcs can hang out and to keep things cordial as neighbours?

Biancadelrioisback · 04/07/2019 13:53

Tbf, single dads do have it rough in my opinion. I work with 2 and both have said that they are excluded from 'parental' things.
On here recently there was a thread where the OP was upset that a man had come along to a baby and parent group as it made her feel uncomfortable. First time he'd been as well do no issue with people not liking him, purely because he was a man daring to try and get to know other parents.

This whole thread just shows how backward many people are. They want their husbands to take on night feeds, household jobs etc, but when it comes to the fun stuff it's mum's only and men make things 'weird'.

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 04/07/2019 13:58

This happens to me a lot, it never crosses my mind if asking husband, and he is very happy not to come! Why on earth would he want to spend his Sunday on a dog walk with my friend?! We do things together, and together with friends, but only if specifically pre arranged... The number of times I've made plans to catch up with a friend and the other half pops along too, I'm always so surprised! And each time I feel a bit bad as didn't even consider asking my husband. Its a funny old dynamic, I think it's just a different mindset. But I do wish they would at least mention it before we met Confused

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 14:19

I have to say it would never even cross my mind that partners are not included unless specifically stated (or an obvious one like a hen night or wedding dress shopping).
Even more when the kids are involved and the whole outing is to take them somewhere. I believe the posters, but I cannot for the life of me understand why that would make anyone uncomfortable Confused.
If nothing else, 2 pair of hands free more time to talk, surely?

In the same way I am shocked at the posters not inviting partners at their weddings, it wouldn't even cross my mind to judge is a relationship is "serious" or not because it has been going on for longer than another one. If people prefer to attend on their own, it's up to them, but invit' was there, they were free to reply as they liked.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 04/07/2019 15:02

This whole thread just shows how backward many people are. They want their husbands to take on night feeds, household jobs etc, but when it comes to the fun stuff it's mum's only and men make things 'weird'
not a fair comment when many posters have said it would be weird if they tagged along with their husbands friends too.
TBC I think the mindset of men needing to tag along with woman because they dont have their own friends very dated. Certainly my parents generation, my mum ran the social side, she was a SAHM and my dad worked. Nowadays i work, and my husband has his own pool of friends/ dad friends etc.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 04/07/2019 15:02

@that25c
Do you go to play dates with just you and a couple you do not really know?