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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 19:56

Why would people need to reassure themselves with the fact that they have multiple friendships and a healthy social life? Confused

I definitely don't think that25 seems smug!

formerbabe · 04/07/2019 20:00

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

To be fair, you said to me earlier on in the thread that because I occasionally socialise independently from my Dh, that I was actively trying to avoid him...that is quite offensive, incorrect and a bizarre way of seeing things.

Ginger1982 · 04/07/2019 20:00

@likeacrow @that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I wouldn't say 'smug' but saying 'why would I want to?!' in an incredulous way (at least it reads like that) tends to suggest that you think those of us who do occasionally socialise without our husbands are somewhat inferior.

But who really cares? I'm happy with the balance I have and if everyone else is happy with theirs then that's all that matters.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 20:05

formerbabe

more accurately, whilst there's nothing wrong with someone writing that some things are not for them, and they prefer to do things a certain way, there must be a reason why some posters have to insult and put down someone who makes different choices.

About these posters who must attack and insult the likes of me, then yes, I am wondering what make them be so irate, angry or possibly bitter. It makes 0 difference to their life if I am with my DH or not!

When I point out how it feels to be on the receiving end of negative judgement, and how easy it is to twist things, you don't like it. Preferring to be with DH has never meant I need him to hold my hand through life. It's one thing to tell me I need to prepare to deal with my life when he's dead or dump me (as charming as that sound), another to call me a weirdo and useless.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 20:07

Why would I want to?!" in response to the question of going out without your husband. (Answer: because it's pleasant to enjoy independent pursuits and separate friendships even when married.) It makes you sound a bit smug and Stepford Wifey.

But again though there are a lot of factors to consider.

If you both work long hours and only have the weekend to socialise then maybe you just don't have the time to see friends on their own as well as your husband, children and extended family.

If you are retired or a SAHP or only work part time and so have weekends, evenings and maybe some daytimes to socialise then possibly spending time with lots of different groups is much easier isn't it?

I've always been happy to socialise with my long standing friends, with them and their husbands, with other friends we only see as couples, with my husband and with DH and DC. As I've got more I'll and my world has shrunk it's got more difficult for me to go out without my husband. So, again, it's horses for courses. If I'm only able to go out once a month I'll prioritise my husband and children over friends.

likeacrow · 04/07/2019 20:22

I'm honestly not feeling remotely irate, angry or bitter. V happily sat here watching Corrie, occasionally inputting into a situation that has zero affect or impact on my life, because it's mildly interesting/entertaining. I find your approach to marriage & social life unusual and slightly weird but I've not called you weird or useless.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 20:40

I love spending time with my dp. But I also love spending time with my friends. I do think it’s weird (sorry) to want to be with your dp all the time. What happens if you have different tastes in music, for example? I would die of boredom at a Philip Glass concert- should I just go anyway, or should he go with a friend who shares the bizarre enthusiasm?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 20:42

likeacrow
I am not saying you are not one of the reasonable posters, but when you read the thread you can see that some are VERY invested in how other couples live their lives!

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 20:43

What happens if you have different tastes in music, for example?

Conversely what if you share the same tastes? Should you both go separately just to avoid doing things together?

Toodleoopuddle · 04/07/2019 20:45

Weekday =only me and the kids
Weekend= husband too or I wouldn't go

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 20:50

“Conversely what if you share the same tastes? Should you both go separately just to avoid doing things together?”

Sorry- too silly to respond to.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 20:52

Sorry- too silly to respond to.

that could apply to so many posts on here...

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 20:54

What happens if you have different tastes in music, for example

I think these couples' tastes necessarily merge, so that they're never in a position of not accompanying one another to everything.

It is strange to most people who happily function as part of a couple as well as independently.

itsallafiddle · 04/07/2019 21:02

Don't most people do family stuff at weekends? I wouldn't go out with the dc and leave DH at home on weekends. If you want to forge female only friendships you'd be bette off organising coffee/play dates in the week....that is assuming you have time off (haven't RTFT so unsure if these potential friends work FT)

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 21:06

Might well be worth reading the thread, it's all been covered. Wink Yes, the OP works full time, so can't do women-only meet ups during week days.

Again, weekend is mostly for DC and DH time for me too, but not exclusively so. Seems strange to live by such hard and fast rules.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2019 21:08

Agree - family stuff at weekends. In no way joined at hip and plenty of friends we both see independently lots of single sex weekends away etc but kids barely see dh in the week if we swanned off with a random neighbour for a day out he would be abit sad and baffled.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 21:11

It's interesting to read so many posters saying that of course it's fine for op to go off at the weekend to see friends, it's normal to have a life away from the partner etc, even if you only have weekends together as a family.

Compare it to a thread where the husband wants to go off and do his hobby, thus taking him away from spending time with the family for one day at the weekend.

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 21:11

I am picturing these 'sad, baffled' men,'left to their own devices, and it makes me very thankful for my own DH!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 21:15

Compare it to a thread where the husband wants to go off and do his hobby, thus taking him away from spending time with the family for one day at the weekend.

that. exactly.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 21:15

“Compare it to a thread where the husband wants to go off and do his hobby”

If he was taking the children with him I think most people would be up for that. Leaving the “sad baffled woman to her own devices” Grin

MsTSwift · 04/07/2019 21:18

My dh looks forward to spending time with his family at the weekend. What a bastard!

Biancadelrioisback · 04/07/2019 21:19

I wouldn't! I only really get to spend time with my DS at weekends. I'd be pretty miffed to find that DH had made plans for him and DS without me.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 21:34

So you always go to all children’s activities together?

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 21:35

When do you get time on your own?

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 21:35

Most people in happy, functional, mutually satisfying relationships look forward to spending time together as a couple, and a family, at weekends.

They're also able to fly by the seat of their pants, and do the odd thing alone, with another fitness or just with the kids. As well.