AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

[Independentlondoner]

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP, can't remember if it was said before but is it possible NDN is just wanting a surface friendship so dcs can hang out and to keep things cordial as neighbours?

Could be. They are always keen to hang out, not just with me but they like to do things but always together. I have never seen her go out on the weekend without the daughter and the husband, they all do their food shop together etc.

Do you go to play dates with just you and a couple you do not really know?

I don't understand your question - would I go to somebody's house or to an event or park? Why would I not , simply because the male element is around?

My absolute bug bare is friends who drag their OHs along to everything. It does change the dynamic and yes, he might be a perfectly nice guy but I would rather just hang out with the friend. It's really damaged my friendship with one old friend who, as soon as she met her partner, insisted on bringing him to everything, including "girls' nights". Poor bloke just sat in the corner like a lemon.

I love my DH and we both work full time in busy jobs. Often we don't see each other properly for days. But I also have my own life, and he his and I think that's important. Plus absence makes the heart grow fonder.

*bug bear

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I don't know why you don't understand the question? It was not an anti man one as you imply. It was simply if you were in the situation like the OP, would you go on a play date with your neighbour and their DH - people you don't really know - without your DH?

Yeah that’s weird. I don’t get why some women want their husband with them all the time, even at girly catch ups. I’d be telling him to get his own friends ! It also totally changes the dynamic.

Sorry but this talk of never doing anything socially without your partner/spouse is just weird. So no coffee with a friend, no cinema trip, no nothing, ever, without your partner?! This is not the real world as I know it.
that25? Have you ever been invited on a hen do? I'm guessing not, but presumably you'd have to turn it down...?

It was simply if you were in the situation like the OP, would you go on a play date with your neighbour and their DH - people you don't really know - without your DH?

well yes, I am actually allowed to leave the house when he's not around, what a very weird question.

It's hardly that weird a question that25c.

You're the one at pains to portray yourselves as joined at the hip, and 'why would we do anything apart, we like each other, and you all find that so shocking'....

Im really confused as to why some posters can't comprehend that not everyone is the same.

I like marmite. Should I declare anyone that doesn't as weird, odd, dysfunctional in some way, shocked that not everyone shares my taste?

This is normal isn't it? Some people are extroverts, some introverts, some are home bodies, some love being in thick of it, some are never more content than when curled up with a good book, others when running marathons... different strokes.

No one is odd or unusual for socialising with their husband or without or half and half. You do you and don't worry about what others are doing.

They’re swingers, trying to ensnare you in their lifestyle.
Be careful.

SushiForAmateurs
I am the one who defends my right to prefer spending time with my husband and not bother going to parties or weddings or other when he is not invited, and my right to even (when we can) go together to kids birthday parties.
I can't see what is so astonishing of people spending weekends as couple and both mother AND FATHER taking kids swimming or to the park with someone else.

Why you are trying to picture me, and others, as socially inadequate, useless, pathetic, and what was the other one? weirdo - that's beyond me.

Again, I am pretty sure the image you are trying to draw of people like me has nothing to do with the life we actually have.

I find more shocking this insistence about "women's work, mums friends and so on."

Yes, 'mum friends' are 'shocking'.....

I can't see what is so astonishing of people spending weekends as couple and both mother AND FATHER taking kids swimming or to the park with someone else.

An (yet) again with the wilful missing of the point.

There is nothing 'astonishing' about this. Clearly.

I guess it's horses for courses. I personally am not a fan of people bringing their partners everywhere with them and probably wouldn't see them again

No one is odd or unusual for socialising with their husband or without Unusual literally means not usual. In my experience it is not at all usual for someone not to do anything social at all without their partner being there. Of course, it doesn't matter, it doesn't affect me and it's entirely down to every individual to live their lives as they wish. But if you put in on mumsnet, you're going to get opinions. In my opinion, it's weird.

Im really confused as to why some posters can't comprehend that not everyone is the same.

Yes, you have seemed confused from what I've read.

One of my favourite things is us going out separately then coming home to have a glass of wine/cup of tea and compare notes. To quote the wonderful James Blake. “Let’s go home and talk shit about everyone......”

Genuinely interested that25 in your answer to my question: would you go on a hen do if invited or would you view it as 'pointless' because your husband couldn't be there?

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 yes but are you allowed to leave the house without him when he IS around - ie leave him at home?

This thread has been somewhat fascinating.

No one is odd or unusual for socialising with their husband or without

It is well outside the norm (so: unusual) to ONLY EVER socialise with your husband.

It's the topic at hand being discussed on a discussion forum. So you will get people sharing their opinions on it. Funnily enough.

SushiForAmateurs
I am hardly missing the point, there are god knows how many posts keen to point out how wrong I am and how inferior I must be.

It's not 'astonishing' for a whole family to go out, en mass. We all do it.

What is astonishing is to only ever do that. To be joined at the hip.

Maybe it's the way you put things that25, like "Why would I want to?!" in response to the question of going out without your husband. (Answer: because it's pleasant to enjoy independent pursuits and separate friendships even when married.) It makes you sound a bit smug and Stepford Wifey.

likeacrow
Smug? I feel like I have been very restrained to answer all the posters who present themselves as superior because they have another dynamic. They are allowed to judge and reassure themselves somehow, but I am allowed to laugh