Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder honestly what must go on in the minds of some men?

454 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 03/07/2019 13:08

I've just taken my niece out for lunch. She's 16 and with the arrival of the weather she's been wearing a t-shirt and a mini skirt with her converse. Typical look for your typical teen but for just during lunch alone she was accosted by 2 different men who asked for her number. Both men clearly middle-aged and trying their luck. I admit she does look older than a teen but sheer audacity of these men hitting on a 16 year old girl really riled me.

OP posts:
2eternities · 05/07/2019 10:50

It's a power play by nasty, inadequate creeps who know full well no woman in her 20s (if they're all about peek fertility, which I don't believe) nor attractive adult woman would give them the time of day, so get their kicks by sexually intimidating biologically and psychologically immature female children'

I totally agree with this looking back theses guys were very inadequate types who wouldn't stand a chance with any woman their own age who can see them for exactly as they are. DP knows someone like this, he's in his thirties yet acts like he's still a teenager and is nick named Jimmy Saville because he hangs out and sleeps with teenagers all the time. He uses his car and his ability to buy drugs, alcohol and cigarettes to entice them as as a young girl who has no money or can't get served these things are exciting in a way they arnt to a grown woman his age who can afford her own shit and has her own car. He is laughed about by all the guys dp knows but other than that he's a decent guy to get along with, definately not attractive in the slightest though lol.

2eternities · 05/07/2019 11:02

It seems more common in the US than here and obviously is much more common for men which I never denied. Also male pedophiles make the news all the time.

ElsaMars · 05/07/2019 11:02

I genuinely feel sick and sad about this. I have 2 DDs and dread to think what unsolicited sexual advances they might get in the not too distant future.
Those men disgust me and if I witness any of that shit towards them, I'm really not sure if I'll be able to ignore it.
I guess the way forward is to educate girls from a young age - don't be polite, call them out on it and most importantly, it's NOT YOU, ITS THEM!

ElsaMars · 05/07/2019 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

jillybeanclevertips · 05/07/2019 11:11

Men are the hunters, always have been and always will, etc. Never going to get the pretty girl if you don't ask, as long as they understand the meaning of "No, go away".I don't think it would matter what was said, this kind of action is ingrained and will probably continue, as long as they don't pester.

waterlego · 05/07/2019 11:31

he's in his thirties yet acts like he's still a teenager and is nick named Jimmy Saville because he hangs out and sleeps with teenagers all the time. He uses his car and his ability to buy drugs, alcohol and cigarettes to entice them as as a young girl who has no money or can't get served these things

So he grooms young (underage?) girls, but he’s a ‘decent guy’ and everyone just laughs it off. Wow.

SimplySteveRedux · 05/07/2019 11:39

He is laughed about by all the guys dp knows but other than that he's a decent guy to get along with

Yes, have a good laugh about someone with a predilection for teenagers Hmm

Gio · 05/07/2019 11:39

Hello, can I ask what you said to these men? I would have told them she was 16 and to fuck right off? We need to protect other women and girls we know too.
I know you were probably really surprised by it, but sometimes we have to be assertive in the moment and not be silenced.
Men are often predatory and entitled, most watch porn and think it's perfectly reasonable to perv after lovely young girls.

MenuPlant · 05/07/2019 11:45

I always hated this and couldn't face doing the mollifying smiley gentle back off thing.

It's a dangerous approach to take, these men can turn very aggressive very quickly if not treated with extreme care as they see as their right.

Not that I would discourage anyone, but men can and do get verbally and sometimes physically aggressive women women and girls who challenge them / say no and especially just straight up tell them to fuck off.

The person upthread who said that men can't help aggressively propisitioning children and that children (only female ones?) need to learn how to handle them can get stuffed too. This idea is how Rotherham etc happens.

2eternities · 05/07/2019 11:51

No, not underage, teenage ie 16-19. Still young for someone his age! And yes they do just laugh, we all know what men are like. It's the same attitude from men towards this issue littered across the entire thread. Many probably wish they could too but don't want the social repercussions. And yes we all also know men can get away and be excused with all sorts if they are seen as a good person in all other ways. Look how many wives, families friends etc who stick by convicted pedophiles and rapists. The boys who gang raped me at 13 have girlfriends and kids, everyone knows it happened as it was witnessed by lots of young people, no one gave a shit it was seen as being my fault. These guys have lots of friends etc no one gives a shit what they did

Whosorrynow · 05/07/2019 11:59

My guess is that this ersatz Jimmy savile is way dodgier than his laughing mates know.
He will have bragged about the exploits that he believes make him look like a big man, there will be some worse stuff that people don't find out about

SimplySteveRedux · 05/07/2019 12:03

Look how many wives, families friends etc who stick by convicted pedophiles and rapists.

DPs mother saw her husband raping their daughter, and stood by him. She had previous form too.

dayslikethese1 · 05/07/2019 12:19

This is depressing. I remember getting perved on many times when I was 12-18 (not so much after), sad that nothing seems to have changed. It was always MUCH older men as well (like 50+ I'd say). I think it really affects the way teenage girls see themselves because they're seeing themselves sexually through someone else's eyes IYKWIM, it damages their sense of self. Also it means they can never be alone with their own thoughts because these stares and comments are always intruding into their mental space.

2eternities · 05/07/2019 12:20

Yes, it is suspected he may have been with a 15 year old but no one ever knows for sure and we've only ever seen him with girls who are in their late teens usually about 17 which whilst creepy isn't illegal. He's not someone dp spends time with just someone he knows from the local area.

2eternities · 05/07/2019 12:22

Simply Steve yes all too common unfortunately. Some people can't equate the words pedo or rapist with someone they love and admire. They'd rather make excuses for the perpetrator instead

Whosorrynow · 05/07/2019 12:24

he'll have been with the 15 year old and having succeeded with a 15-year-old he will feel emboldened to try with a 13-year-old
Whatever people know or suspect he will have done worse behind closed doors

SylviaAndSidney · 05/07/2019 12:27

My aunt was told as a 13 year old not to ruin her paternal grandmother's Christmas by exposing her paternal uncle's sexual abuse of her (which had been going on since she was 8. The Christmas she was 13 he had accosted her upstairs and she screamed).
The person who told her to keep her mouth shut? Her own mother.

Whosorrynow · 05/07/2019 12:36

@Sylvia, that is appalling, horrifying that the person who should most protect and cherish you throws you under a bus like that.
Sadly I know of similar cases, its as if people aren't properly thinking, the girl is seeing as damaged goods and only fit to be thrown away, the man is seen as the important one and his reputation must be preserved at all costs.
This man has got away with being a paedophile he has been given a green light and he will go on to repeat this behaviour, the people protecting him are putting other children at risk, I hope someone reports him.

2eternities · 05/07/2019 12:38

Who sorry yes he was known to be messaging the 15/16 year old daughter of one of Mils friends who had recently passed away. Very wrong to target a grieving teen but pretty sure she told him where to go.He has said younger girls are more fun and take life less seriously and don't want anything else from him, which is why he likes them.. I think he's just a perpetual child. Funny how it's acceptable for men to live their lives like this but not women. Peter pan syndrome and all that

happygiraffey · 05/07/2019 12:41

It used to happen to me when I was maybe 14+ I was flattered at the time and thought I must be very attractive, mature, special, I think it actually went to my head. Then I got a much older boyfriend who bought me a lot of presents and I felt like id won the lottery. Looking back, it now makes my stomach turn, it's revolting

Whosorrynow · 05/07/2019 13:01

Younger girls are (generally speaking) easier to manipulate and control he is a sexual predator, I hope someone reports him

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 05/07/2019 13:26

2eternities please listen when other women tell you it has very little to do with attractiveness. I have never been pretty - I was a skinny, gawky, too-tall, flat-chested ugly child yet before I hit puberty aged 13/14 or thereabouts I still experienced:

A male teacher repeatedly touching me under the pretext of 'adjusting my uniform'
Two older boys (16/17) sexually assaulting me
Being followed by a 20-odd year old guy
Two 30/40-something men sitting behind me on a bus openly discussing when my 'tits' were likely to grow and whether my nipples were pink or brown [boak]
Being flashed at - can't say how old the guy was, I blanked a lot of the details of the incident but he was an adult

The common theme was that in all of these incidents I was alone (there were other people on the bus but no one I knew, and none of them stepped in to help) and with hindsight I gave off an air of lacking confidence; I was a lonely, weirdo child with few friends who never felt like I fitted in anywhere. I think my attraction for these men was less about how much I looked or didn't look like a supermodel, and more about the fact they had the opportunity to express their true predatory selves towards a vulnerable young person with a vagina.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 05/07/2019 13:28

This thread is deeply depressing. It certainly isn't all men - but it is a sizeable minority of them, and it's so important that all men hear testimony like this. Really hear it. Because it is so hard for us to understand what this is like, when we don't live it ourselves.

With some men, there does seem to be an inplicit assumption that, not only are they entitled to act like this, but other men will naturally join them. I have a senior role at work, and had cause to take aside one of my people a couple of months back, for a chat about his behaviour towards the 18 year old apprentice in the office. This guy is, himself, pretty senior and well into his 50s. It was actually very hard to pin down precisely what it was about his behaviour that left me feeling uncomfortable - and I guess that is part of what makes it so insidious. Objectively, I couldn't point to one thing that was obviously 'wrong'. But the combination of factors around tone, the contrast with the way he interacted with other colleagues, body language etc just added up to it not being quite right. I can call him out on that - I'm his boss, and don't shy away from difficult discussions. But for an 18 year old girl, just starting out in the workplace, I can see that this sort of behaviour from a senior, much older man would be deeply disconcerting.

Another colleague - well into his 40s - has tried to start discussions with me about young women he's seen while on his lunch break, or whatever. Again, there's just an expectation that - as a guy - I'll join in. He seemed surprised, and quite put out to discover that, not only would I not join in, but I wouldn't tolerate it in the workplace either. It's deeply ingrained.

I don't have many answers, I'm afraid. I have two daughters, aged 14 and 12, and what I generally feel towards their friends is protective! They are all really just learning who they are. And any bloke who tries this kind of shit with my girls, their friends, or any other young girls with me around had better be prepared for the response!

I'm not sure how to tackle the cultural conditioning here, other than to call it out every time it happens, and to go on sharing this sort of testimony loudly at every opportunity. We need to look at what that conditioning is doing to our girls, too. On a number of occasions, my 14 year old has brought her Instagram to me, to say "god, look at what so-and-so has posted". Some of the stuff girls post is really worrying - 14 year olds posting very sexualised imagery of themselves pouting / posing provocatively etc. I always wonder where the parents are, to guide them, in those cases. The girls and I have a relationship where we can talk about all of that, but we need to be tackling the effects that cultural conditioning has on our girls, as well as our boys.

No easy answers, I suspect.

Whosorrynow · 05/07/2019 13:45

@Singledad, it's good to hear from decent men whose instinct is to protect the vulnerable, I hope that your model of masculinity is the one that others look up to and emulate

Nettie1964 · 05/07/2019 13:47

Just sad. I thought maybe things had changed but obs not. When I was young it was constant harassment. I bought my DD up to be a complete bitch. ( she's 28) she would definitely say something!!! Lots of men are so entitled its scary. Its not just older men. Recently shocked at so many young men thinking rape is a joke 😢

Swipe left for the next trending thread