Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Upset about sister in law

144 replies

NavarnaJ · 03/07/2019 10:01

Me me and my partner have been TTC for 18 months, as we are a same sex couple you can imagine the amount of money, emotional turmoil and tests that have gone on.
Luckily we are now 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. We’ve slowly been telling members of our family- those closest to us.
Yesterday I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me- her sister is pregnant too, due 3 weeks after us! She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves! Am I selfish for feeling upset, emotional, angry and a whole host of other feelings towards my sister in law? I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us? And she also claimed she didn’t want anymore children etc etc... I just don’t know what to think anymore and we are due to have our nephew this weekend (as we do every other weekend to give my sister in law a break!) and I can’t think of anything worse.
Please help me in telling me what I’m feeling is either okay or I’m being too sensitive. My partner is a little upset and doesn’t feel any excitement towards this new niece/nephew either...
TIA

OP posts:

WeedsAndMoss · 03/07/2019 10:04

It's OK to feel angry, you've been through a lot. When I was struggling with infertility I felt really angry every time someone got pregnant, especially if it was easily or accidentally.

However, it's not being done "to you" at all, please don't bring this up with her, you'll do huge damage. Think about it this way - your child will hopefully have a playmate for life. You have someone to bounce ideas off when your baby is up during the night. You've got someone to share those moments with you.

Teaandchocolatecake · 03/07/2019 10:05

I think it’s lovely that both your babies will have a cousin close in age.

I don’t in all honesty understand why someone else being pregnant is an issue rather than twice the celebration.

Butterflyone1 · 03/07/2019 10:05

You can not control other peoples lives so don't bother getting upset with them. Enjoy your moment of finally being pregnant. Congratulations!!

Cheeserton · 03/07/2019 10:07

She's not done anything 'to you' whatsoever. Sorry but you're not being reasonable.

saraclara · 03/07/2019 10:07

What you're feeling is natural. But at the same time, people's lives can't revolve around what might or might not happen to you. They can't put their lives on hold while you are trying for 18 months.

Having said this, was it an intentional pregnancy anyway? You say she doesn't have a partner, so unless you expect her to have an abortion so you can have the stage to yourself, you can't really blame her for anything other than maybe unprotected sex.

Ihatehashtags · 03/07/2019 10:07

Yep I’d be annoyed. So she’s pregnant to some random after claiming she didn’t want anymore kids? Nice one! Not.

Teddybear45 · 03/07/2019 10:10

Do you think you’ll end up with two babies plus your elder nephew to look after? If so you are not being unreasonable at all. If I were you I would set up some firm ground rules here.

HeadfirstForHalos · 03/07/2019 10:11

If she doesn't have a partner then surely she didn't plan it this way? It must be a shock for you but the reality will be lovely, the cousins will be really close. Congratulations ☺

KurriKurri · 03/07/2019 10:12

I'm not sure what you are angry about ?
Is it that you don;t think SIL deserves to have a baby when you feel she doesn;t look after her DS?
is it because she got pregnant easily when it took you a long time?
is it because her baby is due very soon after yours and you feel it will somehow steal your thunder/mar your excitement/ reduce the attention your baby gets?
You mention she has no partner - do you think no one should have a baby if they don't have a partner?

I'm genuinely asking (and maybe you aren;t sure either, just feel generally upset about it)

I think it is a shmae that you no longer want to see your nephew this weekend, and feel no excitement for your new neicec or nephew. it isn;t the fault of the children that you have a problem with SIl. And in fact looking at it positively, it will be lovely for your little one to have a cousin the same age as a playmate.
If you feel that SIl is taking advantage having you look after her DS, then address that - say you are not able to take on so much childcare now you are pregnant, and she will have to sort out something else.

But it hink you and your DP need to work out exactly what it is you are upset about and work through that, I wouldn't lose a relationship with your baby's cousins over what you may feel is inconsiderate timing. People have baby's all the time, and it is a decision they make for themselves not for others, and people say they don;t want more children and then change their minds, that's just the way it goes.
You can embrace the situation and be happy and enjoy your pregnancy, or you can harbour resentment - which will not make you happy.

yiskasha · 03/07/2019 10:12

Two people are allowed to be pregnant at the same time. You're being unreasonable. It'll be nice for the babies to grow up around one another.

Sexnotgender · 03/07/2019 10:13

Will there be any expectation that you’ll be involved in caring for this child as you have his older sibling?

GinisLife · 03/07/2019 10:14

YABVVVU. You can't change what someone else does or doesn't do. I can't imagine she was thinking whilst having sex with a random person "ooooh I hope I get pregnant, that will teach navarnaj a lesson". It sounds like it was an accidental pregnancy. The first 2 words of your original post maybe sum you up ?

swingofthings · 03/07/2019 10:14

why would she do this to us?
This is a very self centred way to consider the situation. I very much doubt she thought 'gosh, I want to punish sis and her partner so I'm going to get pregnant just so that they don't get all the attention and I get none'.

How about looking at it from a different perspective. You are fortunate to have each other, she doesnt. She may be totally irresponsible to get pregnant in her circumstances but that's another matter to be annoyed about, but it is nothing to do with you.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 03/07/2019 10:16

Yabu and ridiculous. Her family planning or lack there of is absolutely nothing to do with you.

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 10:17

I feel sad for your nephew. Please don't let this cause a problem in your relationship with him. It is so sad for a 6 year old to get pushed out, you must be such an important part of his life.

Congratulations on the baby.

mistermagpie · 03/07/2019 10:17

With respect, you are being a bit shortsighted. Yes her pregnancy is at the same time as yours but your children being so close in age will be brilliant for them (especially if you are only planning one child). I've been pregnant at the same time as my SIL twice, the first set of babies are the best of friends, honestly it is lovely to see and for them the relationship is really important. The second set aren't both here yet, but I really hope it's the same with them.

You are making this all about you and focusing on the negatives. Try to look at the positives for the children involved. You might find this comes more naturally once they are here.

It's a shame to take out your resentment on your nephew too, it's not his fault and I assume you've enjoyed having him to stay up to now.

I suspect this is something you will look back on and wonder what you were getting so angry about, but we've all been there and you can't help how you feel.

Dvg · 03/07/2019 10:20

Yabu, Look at the positive side, your child will have another child to play with and grow up with, as someone who was a single child and had a cousin just a year younger than me i can say it was the best.

Plus its not like your SIL was like "oh they are pregnant now WOOP my turn!!"

You arnt the only one to ever of had a baby and trust me.. these things you are the only one that is really as excited, everyone else will be happy FOR YOU but really your the only one who it matters to.

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2019 10:21

She's not doing anything to you and its obvious she has not planned this, accidents happen, you can't seriously be suggesting she should abort because you are having a baby? Because if this is what you're suggesting, she should abort her unborn baby, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

People fall pregnant. Whether they plan it or not. She cannot have an abortion because you're having a baby. And being a single parent to two kids is not easy.

You're being horribly unreasonable

Fimat · 03/07/2019 10:23

I think it’s normal when you’ve gone through fertility treatment to feel bitter that it seems to happen for others so easily so I do understand. Also I think you’re in shock as she wasn’t on your radar as someone who would be announcing a pregnancy. I think as you get over the shock this will fade and as your pregnancy progresses you will be delighted that your little one will have a cousin so close. Try now just focus on your own little miracle and remember other people’s pregnancies are not personal.

Chickychoccyegg · 03/07/2019 10:24

what is the reason you are upset?
isiy because she conceived easily without trying when you struggled for 18 months? thats not her fault.
Surely it'll be lovely for your dc to have a cousin so close in age?

VivienneHolt · 03/07/2019 10:24

I am sympathetic to you because I completely appreciate that the journey you have been on to get pregnant has been a difficult one, and that will be colouring all of your feelings - but you are being hugely unreasonable.

Nothing has been done ‘to’ you. Your SIL hasn’t weaponised her pregnancy to hurt you. She has just made a decision about her own family, as they are completely entitled to do. Maybe she said she didn’t want more children, but people change their minds. She honestly hasn’t done a thing wrong.

You also said you have been TTC for 18 months - you don’t know that she didn’t hold off on her own family plans to avoid ‘upstaging’ you and then decided she couldn’t hold on any longer. Or imagine if it had taken you another 18 months to conceive - should she have held off indefinitely so as to avoid this situation? She clearly didn’t know you were pregnant when she conceived so the timing is pure coincidence, nothing more.

This could be such a positive thing for you - your kids will be the same age and could have a lovely close cousin relationship. But instead you’re feeling resentful towards the children (who have no agency in this situation) and are interpreting this event as an attack on you.

TTC isn’t easy, but the world can’t stop and wait for you while you go through it. Life goes on. And you’re in the exciting position of expecting your own new addition; don’t spoil it for yourself by focussing on the fact that other people are living their lives just as you are.

Alsohuman · 03/07/2019 10:24

Hate to use this cliche, OP, but it’s not all about you.

Pipandmum · 03/07/2019 10:25

She’s only seven weeks pregnant so not a huge secret - a lot of people don’t tell til later and maybe she was trying to figure out how to tell you, being sensitive of your situation.

JellyBaby666 · 03/07/2019 10:28

I don’t get it, she’s allowed to get pregnant and at the same time as you! It doesn’t take anything away from your and your much wanted baby. They’ll have a cousin close in age which is lovely. What is it you’re angry about exactly?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2019 10:30

Shame you're not happy that your DC will have a cousin to play with.

She's hardly got pregnant on purpose to piss you off; give your head a wobble. Or is no-one allowed to conceive while you're pregnant? Bonkers.

If you don't want to babysit her DS then DON'T.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread