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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset about sister in law

144 replies

NavarnaJ · 03/07/2019 10:01

Me me and my partner have been TTC for 18 months, as we are a same sex couple you can imagine the amount of money, emotional turmoil and tests that have gone on.
Luckily we are now 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. We’ve slowly been telling members of our family- those closest to us.
Yesterday I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me- her sister is pregnant too, due 3 weeks after us! She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves! Am I selfish for feeling upset, emotional, angry and a whole host of other feelings towards my sister in law? I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us? And she also claimed she didn’t want anymore children etc etc... I just don’t know what to think anymore and we are due to have our nephew this weekend (as we do every other weekend to give my sister in law a break!) and I can’t think of anything worse.
Please help me in telling me what I’m feeling is either okay or I’m being too sensitive. My partner is a little upset and doesn’t feel any excitement towards this new niece/nephew either...
TIA

OP posts:
Dadadadadaa · 03/07/2019 13:40

In the nicest possible way, you're being very unfair to your sil here. She's not doing anything on purpose to hurt you or upset you, and you can't expect people to put their lives on hold because you're TTC. I get that it's hard when you've had to struggle to get pregnant (been there, done that) but you're taking this very personally. I guarantee that when you see how lovely it is seeing your children grow up together you will be pleased that it happened this way.

LazyLizzy · 03/07/2019 13:44

The thing that would get to me is that SIL asks you to have her DC because she can't cope, so how will she cope with another one?

Douberry · 03/07/2019 13:47

Congrats on your pregnancy OP... But sorry YABU. Your SIL's pregnancy shouldn't be a reason for you to be angry/upset. You could see it as a positive as you'll both go through pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage together. It would mean having cousins so close in age. Maybe try to see that positive instead of choosing to sulk about it?

Kanga83 · 03/07/2019 13:50

She hasn't done anything to you, and also she is not obliged tell you if she wanted more children or not. I get your emotions are all over, however, yabu. Hopefully things will calm down as the pregnancy progresses and the babies are here.

beachysandy81 · 03/07/2019 13:50

YABU - having a baby in not an exclusive activity. She is single so probably feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. I think you should be supportive to her and appreciate the fact that your babies should be close.

blubblubblub · 03/07/2019 13:53

YABU how can you make someone else's pregnancy about you?

Juells · 03/07/2019 14:02

zafferana

Not only that, but it seems she can't look after the kid she already has
How do you know the SiL doesn't look after the child she has? The OP claims she and her DP spent a lot of time bringing him up, that could mean an odd baby-sitting, or 'borrowing' the child to play happy families.

ambereeree · 03/07/2019 14:06

What does your partner say?

Therealjudgejudy · 03/07/2019 14:08

Yes yabu. Also you sound very entitled and spoilt. Time to grow up...

BrendasUmbrella · 03/07/2019 14:11

Do you think she deliberately got pregnant?

IABUQueen · 03/07/2019 14:15

I think you are being massively unreasonable.

Other people’s choices to have kids and when has nothing to do with you.

I am due 5 weeks after my sil, who also struggled to conceive her first and I’m on my second. I had no intention to shadow her excitement but I was more focused on giving my own child a sibling and at a time that suits me and my partner.

It’s a very personal decision and I find it very strange how someone could be upset at someone else’s pregnancy..

As long as she isn’t “one upping” you are family occasions and making you feel like ur child is less important I have no idea what she did wrong .

My own sil probably hates the fact I’m due a month and a half after her, but i think it’s nice that me and my brother will have kids the same age.. and that whoever doesn’t like that should suck it up.

I have no intention to take away from them the spotlight of being parents for the first time. I’m very sensitive and trying hard to not make a huge fuss of the pregnancy because of my sil’s attitude.. but I don’t actually think I owe them to do that, and it’s annoying me that I should feel ashamed of a child I chose to have just because they see everything as a competition.

So you are being massively unreasonable. Sorry!

Juells · 03/07/2019 14:19

The OP didn't specify who's pregnant - her or her partner? If it's her partner, how nice it will be for her to be pregnant at the same time as her sister.

Could that be part of the jealousy, the sisters having something to share that excludes the OP?

IABUQueen · 03/07/2019 14:19

These threads make me angry tbh..

I don’t understand why some people feel entitled to be first in the queue in something as personal as a pregnancy...

And as if the world revolves around them and big decisions like raising a child for 18 years was done just to spite them..

Come ON!

Rachelle11 · 03/07/2019 14:24

YABU

I'm infertile and the one time I was pregnant after 10 years of infertility I didn't are who else was pregnant! I was thrilled with my miracle, although I lost the baby at 11 weeks.
You are pregnant, why aren't you just thrilled about that? Or focus on the fact your baby will have a cousin the same age which is awesome.
I don' know why this would affect how you feel about having your dn for the weekend either?

Juells · 03/07/2019 14:26

You are pregnant

Is she though? Or is it her partner?

HiJenny35 · 03/07/2019 14:33

You are being massively unreasonable, just because you had difficulties getting pregnant is not her fault, she has every right to have a baby whenever you want. You sound like a child who doesn't want her friend to have the same toy. If you don't like looking after her child, don't.

CestCeleste · 03/07/2019 14:38

While it’s easy to be judgey and say the OP BU, the fact is that the OP has struggled to conceive and that is skewing her emotions / perspective.
It doesn’t seem fair that she has struggled and SIL who didn’t want more children hasn’t struggled.
So OP I think YABU but I do understand why.
Some people on this post should try to be more sympathetic.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/07/2019 14:41

I don't see what you're annoyed at to be honest? That's she's taken the attention away from you???

I think you're being precious and selfish to be honest

"I just feel we tried so hard"
if she isn't in a same sex relationship then duh she's going to find it easier to get pregnant than you

Saying "why would she do this to us" is ridiculous

Awrite · 03/07/2019 14:42

YABU. Massively so.

Poor nephew. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn't feel like you don't want to see him because of something his mother did.

Sounds like you see her as less deserving of her pregnancy than you.

I realise that you are about to tell us that she is a bad mother in some way.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/07/2019 14:45

*It doesn't seem fair that she has struggled and the SIL who didn't want more children hasn't struggled

*
Unfortunately that goes hand in hand with same sex relationships - that's not the SILs fault

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2019 15:24

Rachelle11 FlowersFlowersFlowers

Toastedstrudel · 03/07/2019 16:02

**The first 2 words of your original post maybe sum you up ?

This.

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2019 16:40

She isn't pregnant at you
Yabu

wildbhoysmama · 03/07/2019 16:47

I just don't get this! What is the problem, that you won't be centre stage?? A very close friend of mine got visibly pissed off when I has the audacity to get married in the same year as her ( 4 months apart) and did not like it one bit when I had a baby 9 months after her! Thankfully she returned to normal. It's so bizarre and selfish.

wildbhoysmama · 03/07/2019 16:50

My sister who had 3 rounds of IVF and lost 4 babies ( twins quite late on) was delighted when my other sister got pregnant (very easily and not planned). Take a long, hard look at yourself.