Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset about sister in law

144 replies

NavarnaJ · 03/07/2019 10:01

Me me and my partner have been TTC for 18 months, as we are a same sex couple you can imagine the amount of money, emotional turmoil and tests that have gone on.
Luckily we are now 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. We’ve slowly been telling members of our family- those closest to us.
Yesterday I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me- her sister is pregnant too, due 3 weeks after us! She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves! Am I selfish for feeling upset, emotional, angry and a whole host of other feelings towards my sister in law? I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us? And she also claimed she didn’t want anymore children etc etc... I just don’t know what to think anymore and we are due to have our nephew this weekend (as we do every other weekend to give my sister in law a break!) and I can’t think of anything worse.
Please help me in telling me what I’m feeling is either okay or I’m being too sensitive. My partner is a little upset and doesn’t feel any excitement towards this new niece/nephew either...
TIA

OP posts:
TwinMummy1510 · 03/07/2019 11:57

I can see you've obviously had a tough journey and unsurprisingly, everything is still very raw. As you can probably see from all the previous comments, it's more than a little bit unreasonable to think a close family member shouldn't be allowed to be pregnant at the same time as you.

To try and gain a bit of perspective, try flipping it. Imagine if SIL fell pregnant first and then she told you as she was pregnant she expected you to stop trying as you couldn't possibly both be pregnant at the same time? You'd be outraged and rightfully so. Maybe considering it in this way will help you see that you're not being fair to her.

I hope you can come to terms with how you're feeling as honestly, having children so close together could be wonderful for you all.

SunshineCake · 03/07/2019 12:07

I think it's perfectly natural to feel upset by this and maybe now is a good idea to lessen the childcare as you'll need to rest and care for your own child. Don't take your feelings out in your nephew though.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 03/07/2019 12:10

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It sounds like it has been a long and difficult road for you.

However, you are being unreasonable in thinking that your SIL is 'doing this to you'. She's done nothing wrong.
You are jealous that it's happened so quickly/unexpectedly for her. You need to recognise your emotions and move past it and show you are happy for her, even if it means putting on a brave face (harder to do if you weren't pregnant). I do understand the feeling. It's really hard, bit you need to do it for the sake of familial relations.
It sounds like your DP kept it from you to spare your feelings. Personally I wouldn't be too angry with her but request that she doesn't keep things from you, so you can have the support in working through it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy again :)

Roussette · 03/07/2019 12:10

There's been too many threads like this lately and I just don't get it.

OP there aren't a finite number of babies to go round and your SIL is having one she shouldn't. Just because someone is pregnant, it doesn't mean no one around them, be it family or friends, shouldn't be allowed to have a baby either.

We had trouble conceiving, everyone around me was having babies. That's life.

amicableAs · 03/07/2019 12:20

So you’re resentful towards your sil and your dp feels no excitement about a new niece or nephew.
Are you sure you’re ready to be parents yourself with such an immature and unreasonable attitude to 1) someone else’s pregnancy and 2) a new baby ?
You really need to realise the world doesn’t revolve around you

Juells · 03/07/2019 12:30

Christ on a bike! Someone else is pregnant at the same time as 'we' are, and it's all so unfair.

IncandescentShadow · 03/07/2019 12:33

You would rather someone else would not be born because you are having a baby? I hope you are not yourself or something because you really don't come across very well OP. What about trying to feel happy for others and not just thinking about yourself? Selfishness really isn't an admirable trait.

dottiedodah · 03/07/2019 12:33

I think lots of people who have trouble conceiving feel like this TBH. You have had months of heartache and disappointment TTC. Then wham you hit the jackpot !.Thrilled and elated now you can tell everyone !.SIL comes along and wow has got pregnant just like that!.You are allowed to feel a little deflated !.However in the grand scheme of things your children will be close in age and can grow up together ,Pregnancy is an emotional time for Mums to be and Hormones can take charge !.I think your little nephew would be very upset if he cant come and see his Aunties .!.Try to focus on W/E activities with him ,I think you will come round to the idea, and feel better about it as time goes on. Who better to discuss morning sickness ,Aches and pains and your growing tummies with ?

dottiedodah · 03/07/2019 12:34

SIL I meant not nephew!

badtime · 03/07/2019 12:43

What do you actually think she has done 'to you'?

SemperIdem · 03/07/2019 12:46

Yabu. Very.

But congratulations, I hope you have a happy, healthy pregnancy Flowers

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/07/2019 12:54

Getting pregnant isn't a competition!
Or an event that you organise and schedule according to other people's plans!
I can sympathise that you feel as though SIL has stolen your thunder somewhat.

She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves!
Why?
She's obviously a capable adult so why did you do her job for her?
If you've been playing at 'being a parent' with her child - how do you think she feels?

ThePurpleHeffalump · 03/07/2019 12:54

You feel like rejecting a child you have spent a lot of time raising because his mother has upset you?
That seems spiteful and petty, and will cause harm to someone who has no control over events in his life. Poor little boy.

dillusionaldog · 03/07/2019 12:55

My Sil (brothers wife) had trouble concieving. My DSister got pregnant 14 years ago and SIL went down the "shes done it to spite me" route. She felt nobody else should have a baby until she had as DB was the eldest. She was so angry and bitter towards DS that she ruined all family events and in the end my DS went NC with DB and SIL.

Please be careful you dont cause a huge family rift. Being jealous is ok but also think how lucky your DC will be to have a cousin so close in age to share things with.

AyBeeCee10 · 03/07/2019 13:00

Wow how spiteful you are. The world doesn't revolve around you. If you had such difficulty conceiving then you should be more understanding. Such a shame that you should be looking at how close the cousins will be instead you are spitefully grudging her this pregnancy.

Tallgreenbottle · 03/07/2019 13:05

Sorry but what exactly did she do to you? What a horrrible post.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 03/07/2019 13:15

Very unreasonable! You know how much you want to have a baby so why begrudge others a baby?

Very weird to make another person's pregnancy into something being done to you...

Can't you be happy that the children will be able to play together? And perhaps the expectant mum's can support each other?

Skittlesandbeer · 03/07/2019 13:16

Ok, I checked. There are roughly 150 million other women pregnant at any given time. Right now, alongside you, 150 million others.

Your SIL happens to be one of them. She and her pregnancy are as relevant to yours as all the others, as far as who, when, how conception occurred.

This statistic doesn’t make your baby any less special.

Your SIL has added another member to the family, and you two have that in common. Fate willing.

If your partner had 13 siblings, chances are several would be procreating alongside you.

Put your ‘me me me’ feelings down to hormones and find lots of positive stuff to distract you. You will have your baby, she will have hers. They’ll be different people. Look up those ‘people born on this day’ internet lists. See how diverse those personalities turned out to be. You just concentrate on raising a good’un.

Congrats!

zafferana · 03/07/2019 13:20

Normally I would reply to a post like this to say 'No one has DONE this to you, it's not about you at all', but actually I think you have point with your SIL. Not only that, but it seems she can't look after the kid she already has, so why the hell is she having another with the suspicious timing of immediately the same as you? Will you continue to do her childcare when she has two kids, I wonder? She sounds irresponsible and selfish.

Witchofzog · 03/07/2019 13:25

How self centred are you? Grow up

SirVixofVixHall · 03/07/2019 13:28

Op is your partner pregnant or are you ? I assume your partner ?
Surely it is nice that your partner’s sister will be having a baby at the same time as her?

Spidey66 · 03/07/2019 13:30

So if SILs baby is due 3 weeks after yours....she got pregnant before she knew you were.

Count yourself lucky youre pregnant, we've had fertility issues (heterosexual couple) and as I'm now over 50 and post-hysterectomy that ship has sailed. There are plenty of people who wish they had your ''problem.''

lboogy · 03/07/2019 13:33

Yabu and ridiculous. And I say this as someone whose spent 5 years ttcing. Peoples lives and reproductive choices are not centred around you.

I'm assuming you're the pregnant one? If so perhaps pregnancy hormones are at work but if not then you really need to get a grip

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/07/2019 13:35

OP - your SIL hasn't done anything to you. By the sounds of it, she's got pregnant accidentally and has decided to keep the baby. This doesn't sound planned.

Also, she's due 3 weeks after you, so she's 7 weeks pregnant. So she had unprotected sex 5 weeks ago, probably didnt know for another couple of weeks until missed period. If your DP has been keeping this from you, it's not been a secret for long, she may well have been waiting to hear if her sister decided to keep the baby or not.

I can see why it might seem unfair, of all the times to get accidentially pregnant, it to be effectively the month after your much planned and hoped for baby would seem unfair - particularly if she doesn't have a partner so her parents, your PIL will have to step in and help look after her. But it's unlikely to have been done to bother you.

Try to see the positives.

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/07/2019 13:38

Oh and if you asked me, I'd say our family is complete, I've got 2 DCs and I don't want a 3rd. But I found myself accidentally pregnant now, we'd probably keep the baby and be happy about it.

Not wanting more children often means not planning more children. For straight couples, an awful lot of children aren't actually planned.