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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset about sister in law

144 replies

NavarnaJ · 03/07/2019 10:01

Me me and my partner have been TTC for 18 months, as we are a same sex couple you can imagine the amount of money, emotional turmoil and tests that have gone on.
Luckily we are now 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. We’ve slowly been telling members of our family- those closest to us.
Yesterday I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me- her sister is pregnant too, due 3 weeks after us! She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves! Am I selfish for feeling upset, emotional, angry and a whole host of other feelings towards my sister in law? I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us? And she also claimed she didn’t want anymore children etc etc... I just don’t know what to think anymore and we are due to have our nephew this weekend (as we do every other weekend to give my sister in law a break!) and I can’t think of anything worse.
Please help me in telling me what I’m feeling is either okay or I’m being too sensitive. My partner is a little upset and doesn’t feel any excitement towards this new niece/nephew either...
TIA

OP posts:

loubieloulou · 03/07/2019 11:10

OP you are being rather selfish here & with how you've worded your post I can't imagine why you aren't just happy & focused on what will be YOUR new arrival.

The obvious situation here is that she has DTD & fell pregnant, probably wasn't planned due to having no partner.

Shit happens!

Be happy for her & that you are both sharing this journey together & just be thankful that you have conceived.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/07/2019 11:11

Pregnancy isn't a zero-sum game. There isn't less love to go round because there will be two babies in a family.

However, I do understand a little of your emotion, I had five children and never, once, was I the only one in the family who was 'uniquely' pregnant, all of my SIL's had babies around the same time as me, and I did, sometimes, selfishly want to stamp my foot and be 'special'.

I got over it, though.

TripleASays · 03/07/2019 11:12

I am confused. I genuinely cannot understand why you are so upset about this. yadbu

loubieloulou · 03/07/2019 11:12

And your partner doesn't feel any excitement towards his new niece / nephew???

You both need to grow up.

overnightangel · 03/07/2019 11:14

Self obsessed

VivienneHolt · 03/07/2019 11:14

I don’t know why some PPs are suggesting that the OP wants her sister in law to abort her baby. There was absolutely no suggestion of that in her post.

Saltystraw · 03/07/2019 11:15

I don’t get why your so angry.. you are having a baby.. she is having a baby, thousands of people are having babies! It’s not someone that is sacred to one person at a time unless they want other people to swan over them. You should be thankful you are doing this with a partner while she is not. I know what position I’d rather be in.

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 03/07/2019 11:16

WTF.

What the actual hell are you on about, OP?

You do realise people don't live their lives to YOUR schedule, don't you?

Coop14 · 03/07/2019 11:18

I can't understand why you feel this way. You are both pregnant surely double celebration! You can't expect someone not to get pregnant just because you are how ridiculous. Move on and look forward to your beautiful bundle and a cousin for them ❤️

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2019 11:21

I don’t know why some PPs are suggesting that the OP wants her sister in law to abort her baby

If the woman fell pregnant by accident, which is highly likely, then how else would she not be proceeding with the pregnancy, be not pregnant, to please the op, other than abort?

You'll have to explain how you think that would happen because I don't think any of us can comprehend what you're thinking there.

MirriVan · 03/07/2019 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sneakypinky · 03/07/2019 11:23

She hasn't "done" anything "to you".

She's a pregnant adult woman. Who'd have thought there could be 2 at the same time?

HUZZAH212 · 03/07/2019 11:27

Yes that's shocking OP! YNBU!!! Your SIL shouldn't even be having sex! It's completely inappropriate of her to have even taken the risk of falling pregnant when you and your DP are the most important people in the universe and she knew you were ttc. Clearly you must now both give her the cold shoulder and not have a thing more to do with either current DN or the future child, and encourage all family members to shun her and her kids.... Or does that sound ridiculous when you read it out?

CruellaFeinberg · 03/07/2019 11:32

I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me

^ THIS would upset me more, the deceit^
really? after the way the OP reacted, can you blame them??

Snappedandfarted2019 · 03/07/2019 11:34

You're being extremely judgemental about you're sil imagine if she was saying them same thing about because you're in a same sex relationship, it's no different. Just be happy for her.

HUZZAH212 · 03/07/2019 11:38

It's also actually upsetting to read that you've gone from being so keen to looking after DN to it now sounding like you want nothing to do with him. Presumably he loves both you and your DP very much. It's pretty disgusting two adult women can switch off their feelings towards a 6yr old because they're huffed with his mum.

crazychemist · 03/07/2019 11:42

I’m afraid YABU.

It sounds like you’ve had i incredibly tough time. You’ve probably been on a complete hormonal rollercoaster too (it’s not clear from your post if you’re the one carrying the baby, but I know I was a very emotional at this stage of pregnancy). “Why would she do this to us”??? She hasn’t done anything to you. She is pregnant. Presumably it was unintentional (you’ve basically said so), so that leaves her with the choice of having the child, or not having it. Surely you can’t expect her to make that choice based on your pregnancy?

What WBU is if she expects you to do lots of work to help raise this child (as it sounds like you have done for her DS). Hopefully, it will be really great for both of your DC to have a cousin close in age, and also might mean you can both get a break now and then by taking each other’s kids.

I suspect once you get over the shock you won’t feel so sensitive. I think partly you’re just upset that someone has done something by accident that has taken you so much effort. I’m afraid many of us have to hold back our emotions and congratulate friends while we ttc for months (or years) on end. It’s not all about you.

babysharkah · 03/07/2019 11:43

She's not doing it 'to you'. You're being VV unreasonable.

VivienneHolt · 03/07/2019 11:43

If the woman fell pregnant by accident, which is highly likely, then how else would she not be proceeding with the pregnancy, be not pregnant, to please the op, other than abort?

You'll have to explain how you think that would happen because I don't think any of us can comprehend what you're thinking there.

But where has OP suggested that her SIL shouldn’t be proceeding with the pregnancy?! Or that she should ‘be not pregnant’ to please the OP? Can you point to the line in the OP where it was suggested that the SIL shouldn’t continue to be pregnant because I cannot see where you got that from.

OP asked if she was unreasonable to have negative feelings about her SIL’s pregnancy. I happen to think she is unreasonable, but that is a long way from OP suggesting her SIL should have an abortion...

NCforthis2019 · 03/07/2019 11:43

Youre upset because she got pregnant? But you’re pregnant as well? I’m confused, why are you angry?

Karigan195 · 03/07/2019 11:43

I don’t get it. Your baby has a chance to grow up with a close playmate who is a family member and you’re upset because the mother is pregnant at the same time as you. Put it down to hormones and try to think through it to move on.

NCforthis2019 · 03/07/2019 11:45

Sorry YABU. You can’t expect her to hold off being pregnant for you.

cavalier · 03/07/2019 11:47

Do you know what .... embrace your lovely pregnancy and future baby .... that’s what’s important and getting stressed is not good for the baby 👍💐💐 congratulations to you all .... babies are a gift

Topsecretidentity · 03/07/2019 11:48

What are you upset about?

That she's a single mother having an unplanned baby? If so, yabu- not your life so not your business.

That she'll expect free childcare when you will have your own to worry about? Yanbu but you will just need to set boundaries early enough.

That her pregnancy is somehow detrimental to the excitement of yours? Yabvu and letting the emotional stress of ttc cloud your judgement. You should be pleased that your child will have a cousin so close in age. That's a privilege.

Zoeputthatdown · 03/07/2019 11:56

First, congratulations on the pregnancy.
Secondly, why would she do this to us? I'm afraid you can't control what others do, and it's a shame that your DP felt it necessary to keep SIL's news a secret from you.
Please try not to let DN become aware of how upset you are with his mother, and don't bring this up with SIL.

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