Upset about sister in law

[NavarnaJ]

Me me and my partner have been TTC for 18 months, as we are a same sex couple you can imagine the amount of money, emotional turmoil and tests that have gone on.
Luckily we are now 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. We’ve slowly been telling members of our family- those closest to us.
Yesterday I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me- her sister is pregnant too, due 3 weeks after us! She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves! Am I selfish for feeling upset, emotional, angry and a whole host of other feelings towards my sister in law? I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us? And she also claimed she didn’t want anymore children etc etc... I just don’t know what to think anymore and we are due to have our nephew this weekend (as we do every other weekend to give my sister in law a break!) and I can’t think of anything worse.
Please help me in telling me what I’m feeling is either okay or I’m being too sensitive. My partner is a little upset and doesn’t feel any excitement towards this new niece/nephew either...
TIA

I think you are being way to sensitive op. I can only imagine how the ttc took its toll but you shouldn't let it get in the way of being excited about yours and sils baby. It will be great having 2 cousins close in age. Try and concentrate on the bigger picture

Its normal to have a rollercoaster of emotions going on especially when conceiving has been difficult.

I TTC for 4 years with first finally getting pregnant via fertility treatment. 18 months before I got pregnant my sister had a one night stand and consequently my niece was born - she didn't want her, had booked an abortion but couldn't go through with it. Then a year before I got pregnant through fertility treatment during the time I was having treatment she fell pregnant again accidentally. Both times I felt a multitude of negative emotions - not good for any of us. But now 10 years down the line my children have very close bonds with their cousin's and the negative emotions are just a memory. Take time out as a couple to enjoy the pregnancy, to ride through these emotions as I would image you've both had a rollercoaster of emotions over the last couple of years. It won't ever be forgotten but it will become easier to live with especially when the little one is here. Best wishes to you both.

Did she know you were ttc? Are you worried you'll end up being expected to help bring up this new baby too?

If you've been helping your SIL out a lot because she's found motherhood hard and you fear you'll be expected to help out once again I think your thoughts are justified. Obviously you won't be able to do as much, nor should she expect you to.

What's going to be very difficult in all this is dealing with the 6 year old. He could easily end up feeling that he's being pushed out of his mother's by the new baby, and you don't want him because of your new baby, leading to feelings of resentments towards you all. I think you should make clear that you cannot take on anything to do with the new baby but you will keep up your commitments to him, not for your SIL's sake but for his. I know it will be difficult for you but that child is in danger of losing so much otherwise.

YABU and YANBU - Emotions are complicated.

I feel immense jealousy, anger, resentment to my husbands ex wife.

When she met my husband she already had a kid, she then accidently fell pregnant by my husband after knowing him for 6 weeks, they got married and nearly divorced 4 years later but she got pregnant again so they tried to save their marriage. Ultimately she said she was done having unplanned kids and asked him to have a vasectomy. Which he did. She left him 3 months later.

10 years on .... My husband and I are trying desperately and so far unsuccessfully through IVF to have a child of our own. She on the other hand has remarried and had more children.

Life is full of people who make you want to scream! I feel your frustration at the unfairness of it all.

If you are 10 weeks pregnant and your SIL is due three weeks after you than she is only 7 weeks -- your partner has hardly been keeping it secret from you for very long!
And SIL couldn't really have done it to spite or compete with you, given the timings. Even if she knew you were TTC, it would have been somewhat random, especially as she doesn't have a regular partner.
So you have my sympathy but you're being a little bit U. Sorry -- I hope you feel better about it soon.
Many congratulations and to you .

I just feel that we tried so hard and she knew we were actively having treatment why would she do this to us?

Very nicely, echoing others, her pregnancy isnt about YOU. It is about her choices. Lets be blunt, would be happier if she had an abortion?

*I found out my partner had been keeping a secret from me8

^^ THIS would upset me more, the deceit

Had to read this twice as couldn’t quite believe it. Totally get that you would feel resentful at others’ pregnancies given it took a while for you to conceive, but to actually express outrage and the feeling that she is “doing it to” you is actually a bit strange and extremely egocentric. If she dumps her six year old on you all the time, and you are wondering why she got pregnant if she finds it hard to look after one, I can get that, but she’s not doing anything TO YOU. People have lives outside of you. Maybe it was planned, maybe not. Maybe she held off for a while if planned, maybe not. (To be honest, why should she?) Maybe it was an accident, in which case it’s also nothing about you. I don’t believe you would expect her to terminate just so you don’t feel pushed out the limelight.
If you’re concerned that she may see you as babysitters, you obviously need to be clear that you will be too busy for a while if that is the case.
But heck! How lovely that the two cousins will be close to each other! Unless you’re holding a lot of info back, most people would see this as a fabulous coincidence. Sharing a pregnancy with a family member and having babies at the same time. A lot of potential emotional support there. Try and be pleased for her. It’s not easy being a single mum.

If she doesn't have a partner was it a fling and she possibly got caught out? Or was she actively trying to get pregnant by spermicide donation? If it was the former, then she hardly set out to get pregnant on purpose. If it was sperm donation then I'd think it a bit odd that she didn't tell you but ultimately it's her choice. I don't think she has done anything to you both - that's an odd way to look at it.

She got pregnant, it happens even if she didn't want more kids. Maybe she's secretly freaking out about it but can't admit it given that you have tried so hard to have a baby. Obviously you and your partner won't be as available to help her out when you have your own baby. But that's for her to sort out.

At least you are pregnant.

Plenty of people struggling to conceive would kill to be where you are now.

She hasn’t done this to annoy you. You must know on some level you’re being irrational.

Take some time to think about this. You feel how you feel but you can’t let her know.

I was like this, just a little bit, when we were TTC. We had IVF. It seemed everyone was getting pregnant before we did!

However, knowing how long we were TTC naturally and how hard it is to actually plan a pregnancy (like some people try to get pregnant before they transfer abroad with a job so they're not flying when pregnant etc), it doesn't make sense to be annoyed. She's just very fertile! She may have had sex once or countless times before she became pregnant. She may not have become pregnant then you'd not even be thinking about it.

Women don't become pregnant every time they have sex - for some it takes a long time, for others it's relatively easy and even then the same woman may conceive their first child quickly and the second takes ages to conceive.

Just concentrate on you and your partner and growing that little one. You've got some exciting times ahead of you - enjoy them. And congratulations!

I could understand this more if you WEREN'T pregnant. I really don’t get that you think it bad that she is pregnant when you are. Are you seriously saying to women that we mustn’t try to get pregnant if we know our friends/relatives are trying? Just one at a time. How would that even work? Who goes first? Maybe she was trying for a while, before you did, just didn’t tell you and is mad at YOU!

'Sperm donation' not spermicide

Are you seriously suggesting that nobody else should allowed to be pregnant at the same time as you? You're not, surely? Do you have any idea how spiteful and selfish you sound? What would you suggest is an appropriate amount of time for everybody else to put off adding to their family just to fit in with your plans? You got pregnant only six years after your SIL, how dare you! You sound absolutely dreadful to be honest but congratulations on your pregnancy anyway.

Are you pregnant or your wife? It sounds like it is you. “We are pregnant”. Just no. Don’t belittle what you’ve gone through physically and emotionally and will go through. I get fertility treatment is difficult. I had ivf too.

Of course getting pregnant by some random in a haphazard way is risky and foolhardy but your sil has every right to decide to go through with the pregnancy. I can, however, understand that it will take the shine off the event for you.

And yes, as pointed out it is time to be very glad you actually managed to conceive. For many women the reality is that ivf is their last chance because they, their partner or both have fertility issues whereas you know the sperm donor doesn’t and presumably neither do you. That actually makes you very lucky.

I genuinely don't understand why you're annoyed. You've used a lot of dramatic language in your OP - 'my partner has been keeping a secret from me' (she can only have known for a couple of weeks?) and 'we've spent a lot of time bringing our nephew up by ourselves' (unless he lives with you, that's not likely) so if that's the type of person you normally are, I can see why your partner wouldn't want to tell you about her sister's pregnancy straight away.

If you're concerned that you may be expected to have your 6yo nephew and the new baby every other weekend, then deal with that separately, but it just comes across that you're angry that she's stealing your thunder. I was absolutely delighted to find out that my sister was pregnant at the same time as me (sadly, she miscarried at 12 weeks) so just don't understand your point of view at all.

Emotions are funny things, I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I actually think it's brilliant that your DC will have a cousin the same age, you will find this is a really lovely thing in the long run.

Somebody else being pregnant doesn't take away from the excitement of your own pregnancy, just focus on your own things and enjoy anticipating your new baby.

A baby in the family is a cause for celebration as you know very well, so IMO two new babies is cause for twice the celebration. If you disapprove of her life choices and parenting style you can do that but you can’t dictate when she is allowed to conceive.

As PP have said she hasn’t done this ‘to you’. She has done it to herself. Her having a newborn at the same time as you won’t in any way detract from the love and joy your baby will bring you.

Congratulations OP

But you're being utterly ridiculous.

No-one has done anything to you or your DP. This woman's pregnancy decisions about her own life and family have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

When you say She doesn’t have a partner and has a 6 year old son who we have spent a lot of our time bringing up ourselves!

You mean you had parental responsibility for him and he lived with you?

If that's the case, it's even nicer that he's going to have a new sibling and a cousin whose parent's he's that close to.

But you're pregnant! I'm not getting this at all, why are you upset?

I think your IVF head is making you over emotional. You're pregnant, you got the result that matters, that you wanted...

She's probably a bit scared and upset to be pregnant without a partner. She most likely didn't plan it. She's kept it a secret initially to not upset you or hurt your feelings.. You, on the other hand, are being a bit judgey and selfish. Give her a break. Your babies will probably adore each other and be playmates. This is not something to be cross about.

YABU. Life doesn’t stop for others just because you and your partner have had difficulties. Instead of being upset and angry, which is a waste of time and effort and does no one any good just start looking for the positive. The sisters can support each other, the babies will be close in age and can do things together etc etc

My eldest daughter was expecting her first baby. She'd married an older man who initially hadn't wanted children, but had changed his mind. My daughter hadn't put pressure on him, so was delighted when he came to her and said he'd had second thoughts. She'd always wanted children. When she got pregnant she was so excited and happy. When her sister also became pregnant (honeymoon baby), she could have felt the same, but she didn't. She was so excited to be able to share this wonderful experience with her sister. They even clubbed together to buy a double buggy so they could help each other out from time to time. Their boys are 20 now, and despite living hundreds of miles from each other, are so close. Don't ruin your happy time resenting your sister in law. Look forward to your new niece or nephew...… You DO know your baby will be the most beautiful, don't you???