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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s too early!

175 replies

Sundancer77 · 03/07/2019 09:24

Aibu to really hate dropping my dp off to work at 7.15 am after having almost no sleep with a 11 month old baby 🤷‍♀️
Dp has a new job around 20 minutes drive away, we live in an area where no transport goes there at that time and he doesn’t drive at the moment.
I feel like crying after just a few hours sleep and then quickly putting baby into car and trying to stay awake in order to drive there..aibu to really hate it 🤷‍♀️
Are there any other soloutions? Are Uber’s super expensive?

OP posts:
RainOrSun · 03/07/2019 12:33

The other way to start, is for him to cycle, you collect, and leave the bike at work.
The next day he ubers or you drive him to work, and he cycles home.

eniledam · 03/07/2019 12:35

Download the Uber app. I used to do a 15 minute journey into the city centre for work and it would cost me about £5/6. If you download it, you can put in your locations and it will automatically give you a real-time suggestion of how much your trip will cost (without you having to book).

dontdoubtyourself · 03/07/2019 12:36

So it's 20 minutes away, so say 45 minute round trip with getting child in out of car.

It will take him 45 minutes to cycle.

Don't do it. Its not exactly fair on your dc to be spending all that time in the car either unnecessarily.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 03/07/2019 12:44

He’d love an electric scooter, has said this

Didn't he also want a bike for the same reason though?
What happens when he gets bored/doesn't use the scooter?
Moped?
Car?

It's like some weird mechanical reverse of "I swallowed a fly"!

magneticmumbles · 03/07/2019 12:46

Is your nearest station 45 mins away? If he can't cycle all the way to work, can he not just cycle to the station? Or the nearest town? He can chain his bike up and get the bus.

theworldistoosmall · 03/07/2019 13:13

It's an unnecessary journey.
The op is tired from lack of sleep. Still gets up, the child in the car, does the round trip. Goes home and will be lucky if child has a nap. Op also works later.

Dh great night sleep could cycle allowing his wife and child to get some sleep.

Yet she should just suck it up?

Yes, life goes on. But tbh when I've gone a few nights with little/no sleep I have called in sick. And if I drove I wouldn't be getting behind the wheel as I would be a risk to everyone,

lottiegarbanzo · 03/07/2019 13:28

Yes, the lift-giving is about putting his wants before her needs.

Changes have occurred. They've had a baby. He's lost his licence. Why should he be insulated from the impact of those changes? Why should she absorb them?

PetrichorRain · 03/07/2019 13:46

I'd tell him that if I was having to drive him in, he could share some of the night wakings. And tbh at 11 months you might want to think about gentle sleep training, if you haven't tried already.

Phineyj · 03/07/2019 13:47

Can you manage without the car? Is there any reason he can't just commute in it? He could cycle on days you need the car. I'd choose sleep over access to a car!

Phineyj · 03/07/2019 13:49

Oh duh he doesn't have a licence. Sorry! So has he booked the course of lessons? If he did one each weekday you could get the licence in 6 weeks and at least there'd be an end in sight...

Original poster
Sundancer77 · 03/07/2019 15:08

How would you go about gentle sleep training though? Doesn’t all of it basically involve letting them cio to some extent 😏I’ve been putting the recent (seemingly never ending) lack of proper sleeping, down to teething crawling/growth spurt..but it really has been a while now.
Here you have to do minimum 30 lessons before you’re out in for your test, so stupid, he could go in for his test straightaway and pass 😏so it may take a while.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 03/07/2019 15:46

www.amazon.co.uk/Gentle-Sleep-Book-toddlers-pre-schoolers/dp/0349405204?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This book is good for gentle training. It can be shhhing and patting them back to sleep, or rapid return where you leave them for increasingly long periods. There is some crying involved but it's more of the grizzly cry than the full on scream. If it gets to full on scream then you've gone too far!

I'd recommend reading about it at least. I was so much happier in myself (and so was baby) once we were both sleeping properly. Think of it like riding a bike, you can't do that without being taught, so why do we expect babies to sleep without being taught how to self settle. Cave woman days were different, everyone co slept and women's main role was child rearing. Modern life is different so is and our babies need to adapt.

Lucked · 03/07/2019 15:49

Could he do intensive driving lessons either over 2-3 weekends or nightly so that this is a short term thing.

Pinkmalinky · 03/07/2019 15:51

Cycling will be fine, it’s good for his health.

blackteasplease · 03/07/2019 18:25

I think he woke up feeling too tired to cycle

This is fucking hilarious.

He's had a sleep and you haven't. He needs to suck it up and cycle. You need to sleep
There's no rationale for you doing the night wakings if you also habe to be up for his commute! So the other option is for him to do exactly 50% of night wakings.

I strongly agree with those who say asking you to drive exhausted is incredibly dangerous.

Arrowfanatic · 03/07/2019 18:33

But 7.15am isnt early Hmm

I used to get up at 3am, pop my sleeping baby in a car seat, drive 20 minutes to drop DH to the station to catch the first train, drive 20 minutes home. Put myself and baby back to bed for a quick nap before getting up for work at 6am.

Once DD got older & therefore once disturbed was awake for the next few hoits DH started to cycle to the station....in all weathers.

So, i think YABU as its not early much of the country is up and about then. But he is BU if he wont consider cycling at least some of the time.

ForalltheSaints · 03/07/2019 18:56

Does it have to be every day- cycle or public transport some days?

Kashali · 03/07/2019 19:08

he either needs to cycle or be up with baby through the night.

probstimeforanewname · 03/07/2019 19:13

I have a friend who had a stroke a few years ago and thought he was recovered but has now had a couple of fits. He can't drive for a year. His wife doesn't drive him to work, he cycles to the station, takes his bike on the train and cycles at the other end. No blame at all attached to him but he finds his own way and no young baby in the household.

I think your DH should cycle when the weather is decent.

Good idea above for him to do it in one direction and you to collect, and then the next day the other way round. 45 mins a day isn't much, and he'll be able to build up to 1 hour 30. And it will only be for a few months if he passes his test before the winter.

As for the baby, I had a baby who slept well so I don't know how easy it is to sleep train, but he did grizzle when falling asleep and if I'd jumped up and gone to him every time he'd done that he wouldn't have been a good sleeper so I think you have to accept a little bit of crying.

RiftGibbon · 03/07/2019 19:48

I used to get up at midnight, half an hour before I went to bed and drive 200 miles with fifteen babies in the car to get to work for 3am....

What works for one person doesn't work for another. Driving when sleep-deprived is risky. OP is getting little sleep as it is and in context of that 7.15 IS early. I find it too early to be getting out of bed, let alone leaving the house!

OP's DP could look into getting a cab/uber on mornings when he can't or won't cycle in. OP could then pick him up, assuming she's not working herself.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 03/07/2019 20:02

If he has had licence removed for criminal reasons I wouldn't be giving him a lift anywhere, he can get a bike.

Oh yes, that’s a helpful attitude isn’t it? ‘Sorry love, I know you’re the only one earning at the moment, but it’s your own fault you can’t drive so don’t expect me to help’.

StillCoughingAndLaughing (the first quote you replied to was mine) I absolutely don't expect to "help" adults so they don't have to deal with any consequences of mistakes they made. If (for example) my DH lost his licence via drink driving like fuck would I be helping him to avoid the consequences. He certainly could cycle and spend the time thinking how fucking stupid he had been. Consequences.

However, I fully accept I am bitter Wink as I do have skin in this game and am desperate to be able to drive Smile and I do feel bitter about people that don't realise how lucky they are to be able to do so.

On that note, OP it's been two days, come on! How long will it take him to do 30 lessons? (And have you already done this?) I actually would compromise that he cycles one way and you collect one way - surely it can't be long until he can drive if he organises himself?

kateandme · 03/07/2019 22:43

then talk to him.you have to sort this together.for you you have reached your level of tiredness.so you need to come up with a solution together.

Bluerussian · 03/07/2019 22:50

You're not being unreasonable. Once your baby is fed and clean, would he sleep with you for a while when you get back home? You'd feel refreshed after a couple of hours kip but it all on depends on your baby.

Make sure you get a good lie on over the weekend.

Morgan12 · 03/07/2019 23:01

Jeezo OP is getting it in the neck.

As a fellow SAHM of a non-sleeping teething 11 month old, YANBU.

Sleep deprivation is literally a torture method. And would I fuck be willing to wake my child when they are asleep. That means I should also be asleep!

Original poster
Sundancer77 · 03/07/2019 23:08

Finally @Morgan12 🤷‍♀️😂🙏 I was beginning to feel that it was really odd that my dd is like this age 😬 she’s had four top teeth appear almost out of nowhere, sleeps with me and wakes crying (teeth) won’t nap at the moment unless on my lap and takes until 9-10 pm to get to sleep..it’s a nightmare and I’m so tired but can’t sleep 🤷‍♀️ When I should be now she’s asleep.
Everything is foggy and I seriously wonder if I’m going nuts sometimes..I definitely don’t feel like myself..at all.

OP posts:
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