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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 11:02

“What I've explained extensively is as this child has been mean to OPs child I would prioritise my child over somebody else.“
But you don’t know that she has been mean. And the OP has made a commitment to the other mother. That is nothing to do with the children at all

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:06

contra The my child first is all very well, but what if it is your child that is in the wrong? What if it is your child that has been rude and difficult and generally unfriendly? If you defend them at all costs, whatever they have done, how will they ever learn not to behave this way? Where is the parenting, the lessons in that scenario?
Sometimes it is entirely right and proper, that other children come first. Your child should also be learning that life skill.

Otherwise you will end up with entitled children that feel they are untouchable. They grow up thinking they can do anything, to anyone without a word, that is until they end up in the Youth offenders Institute.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:07

She said I want a break for a week.

That's cruel. OPs DD isn't some toy to be picked up and put down. And I'll never let my child believe that that's an acceptable way to treat someone.

I'm not going to do some mental gymnastics to find ways that this could be OPs DDs fault. I'm just going by what she's posted. And based on that I wouldn't be dramatic, I wouldn't get involved in anything and I wouldn't tell my child what to do with the friendship.

I'd just say to the other mum 'DD is still upset by what your DD has said. In light of that a break between them does sound like a good idea. So I'll be unable to take your DD"

No drama.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 03/07/2019 11:09

No way would I give her a lift.

Dd's 'friend' chose space, space she gets.

Also, you need to protect your daughter from someone 'who will decide if she still wants to be frriends after a week.'

That's nasty and emotional manipulation. Your DD is better off without her and you need to support your DD.

Ambydex · 03/07/2019 11:10

Contra on what level is letting a 10 year old's dictats drive your behaviour "not getting involved in anything"? It's the very definition of getting involved.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:10

I don't and never would defend my child at all costs. My son got pissed on the other week and I went to school to make sure he hadn't been messing around in the toilets (he hadn't)

The teacher kept thanking me for my outlook and coming to her to ask for the story and to ensure that my child's behaviour had been good.

But in this instance (again not creating some fantasy) this child has said something cruel to OPs DD. And I would validate my child's feelings and then take their lead.
If they turned around and said they were fine with the lift then I'd say great.

But the fact that OPs DD has said she would not want to be in the car with the girl would be enough for me.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:12

No. Getting involved to me would be going to the mother or child and demanding XYZ or telling me DD what to do or say.

I'd just take her lead. 10 is plenty old enough to know how you feel.

It's also plenty old enough to be told that people won't do nice things for you if you say nasty things.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:15

contra But op's dd has also said she wants to stay friends....so how do you decide which one is more important. It is a mixed message. Op's dd is saying yes I still want to be friends, no I don't want to take her to the activity.

And that is why you have to be the parent, and take the adult way of honouring your agreement to other parents, or the while supporting your child to make good decisions about her friendship with the girl.

You are creating drama contra by refusing the lift. It may not be all singing and all dancing, but it is likely to cause bad feeling nonetheless.

And in all of this, we still don't know why the child needs space?
There may be a very very very good reason why she has asked for this time out.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:17

Lets just imagine that the girl asking for space is the one being bullied? Does it still sound unreasonable to you?

Are you going to punish her further by banning her from your car??

As with all friendships, you can not possibly no the backstory, so that is why as a parent we should always give the benefit of the doubt, and stay out of the arguments (Unless your child is being bullied of course)

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 11:21

“It's also plenty old enough to be told that people won't do nice things for you if you say nasty things.”

  1. We don’t know she’s said nasty things.
  2. it’s not her the OP is doing something for- it’s her mum.
AnneKipanki · 03/07/2019 11:22

Maybe you can take your DD to something else for the night and tell other Mum not going that night.

Smelborp · 03/07/2019 11:23

I would only give the lift if your DD was next to you and the other girl in the back. You and DD could chat.

We don’t know the ins and outs of this friendship, but what we do know is quite manipulative, expecting the DD to wait to see if she deigns to be her friend again.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:24

JC why aren't you giving the Spanish Inquisition to the many many many other posters who have said the same as me.
I'm not changing my mind. I don't agree with you. You don't agree with me. Fine.

I drive. I have a car. I do so so that I can ensure that I don't have to put myself in situations like this mother's.

I wouldn't take the kid. I don't care about fantasy scenario XYZ.

If DD said to me what OPs DD said to her I would just tell the mum space sounds like a good idea and let's see how they go after.

There would be zero consequences for me. I'm an adult. I'm not bound by another school yard mum.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 11:24

“Maybe you can take your DD to something else for the night and tell other Mum not going that night.”

Blimey. So now the dd misses out on the event so the OP can make a point at the other mother! Shock

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:26

smell It is possible that op's dd has very much upset the other girl, and the other girl is reevaluating the friendship and has said so honestly, and needs time to think about it. It does not necessarily indicate manipulation.
I have a ten year old, and the language surrounding this exchange sounds very adult. I think there is much more to this story, possibly lovely Mum has advised her daughter to create some distance to allow things to blow over....

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:29

contra the only person that loses out is your child actually.

Your stance is very short sighted.

As you isolate and burn one bridge after another over some minor disagreements, it is entirely possible that your child (through your actions and no one elses) becomes friendless and alone.

Then it does very much become your problem, by default, because you have a very unhappy child on your hands.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:32

The more fool lovely mum when she was relying on this lift.

Again. I disagree. They're 10. They're about to go to comp. they'll make new friends. But I'd prioritise my child knowing that you don't have to put up with people picking you up and keeping you on the hook.

Shock horror. People parent differently.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:38

contra Teaching children diplomacy, conviviality, forgiveness and understanding we are all human and have failings is absolutely essential.

Life is rarely black and white, usually it is a middle ground of grey.

If you parent in a black and white way then your child misses the chance to learn how to be reasonable, how to think rather than react, and learn to honour agreements and be trustworthy.

They may always remain immature, and live their lives with a tit for tat bunker mentality, which will without a shadow of doubt compromise their life chances.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:39

Then more fool lovely mum when she was relying on this lift.

You sound very unkind.

TitianaTitsling · 03/07/2019 11:44

But does the other girl still want to be in the car/do same activity with DD? I wouldn't have thought so given wanting space.

Outnumb3red · 03/07/2019 11:47

It'd be no lift from me.

You're taking them both to the same event. Your DDs friend then potentially ignores your DD while they are there, and then skips merrily to your car for her lift home. Such an awful situation for you DD to have to sit through

user1471590586 · 03/07/2019 11:55

I would give the lift, as I had already promised. I would explain that to my daughter. I would also be actively encouraging my child to broaden her friendships and go and find others to play with. My daughter found herself in similar situations when she was younger with certain girls making the decisions about who is allowed to play. It really started to affect her self esteem. I encouraged her to just shrug her shoulders and play with someone else. My daughter is also in after school activities with friends from different schools, it has massively helped.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 12:09

Exactly. Teach children diplomacy. If you say or do something upsetting or cruel to someone they're under no obligation to do you any favours.

All commitments are contingent on certain things. Otherwise there'd be no such thing as divorce.
This commitment was based on the girls being friends. Well now their not.

I don't believe I am being black and white and I don't believe my way of thinking would develop a tit for tat personality. I believe it would stop the belief that one should be a doormat and always put others first.

@oceanrescue

You can think that. I don't care. It literally has no affect on me or my life.

As I've said. Loads of people agree with turning down the lift.
So it's not a wrong opinion. It's a personal choice.

AnneKipanki · 03/07/2019 12:13

It is just a suggestion @BertrandRussell
Take it , leave it .
The OP DD might not want to be in the car and feign illness... who knows ?
Maybe the 'sick' OP DD can stay at home ( with an over 16 year old responsible person ) whilst the OP still keeps her arrangement to take the 'friend' to the activity as she had arranged.
Maybe the mother of the 'friend' can suggest she misses the activity especially since she requested the space .

AnneKipanki · 03/07/2019 12:15

Sounds like it might be some car journey .

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