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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1980 · 03/07/2019 09:54

Funnily enough I'm in a similar situation with DS1(10) and his long term best friend at the moment ( been inseparable since pre school!)
Best friend has recently made a whole new group of friends and it's got to the point that he totally ignores DS during the day. Won't even speak to him.
It's fine, people move on. DS is gutted but I've always instilled in both of my boys that people are free to play with whoever they want.
However DS and his friend walk to school together with a little assistance from me ( I walk a certain distance).
Last week, baring in mind the other boy has nothing to do with DS during the day, announced wasn't it amazing how long they've been best friends Hmm. DS didn't reply with anything but came home confused that his friend had said it but can't have meant it ( after the way he's been treating him) so I said if he says it again maybe tell him that he's been upsetting him.
So he did, cue a big argument between the boys. DS asked why he didn't play with him anymore and his friend said because he preferred the others.

His Mum rang me, said she can't control him ( i don't expect her to) and I said we all accept he's moved on, however it's not fair on DS to be left confused with the best friend comment and having to deal with arguments on the school run, so he's going to walk alone from now on. It's left her with a bit of an issue but I've got to stick up for DS, and I feel it's important to teach him that he doesn't have to be treated like that.

No doubt they'll make friends again ( I hope they do!) but until then we'll carry on this way

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 09:56

This girl doesn't have to be friends with OPs DD. But she has to be told that how she went about it was wrong and that the onus is on her to make it better. Especially as she is the one who needs the favour.

Oh well. Being a parent is inconvenient. She should really make sure her daughter does put some effort in between now and the day then.

sacope · 03/07/2019 09:58

@Contraceptionismyfriend

You said the DD would be a doormat if the mum honoured the commitment. Can you not separate the adults from the children?

If your mum gives a previously arranged lift to someone you used to be friends with it doesn't make you anything, certainly not a doormat.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:01

I believe that it would teach my child that no matter how someone treated you you don't have a choice on certain things. And they absolutely do. Especially when they are the one with the assets.

It's about a power balance. OPs Dd is the one with the car effectively. So as the other child needs the car she is old enough to be told that her behaviour is meaning that she is going to miss out on a lovely day. She can either amend her behaviour or miss out.

chocolatemademefat · 03/07/2019 10:03

Never get involved in squabbles between your DC and their friends. They’ll be friends again before you know it - girls can be so dramatic - and if you like the other mum it will be worth overlooking her DD’s silly strunt.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 10:03

“This girl doesn't have to be friends with OPs DD. But she has to be told that how she went about it was wrong and that the onus is on her to make it better. ”

But why are you so sure that the other girl is in the wrong? It is entirely possible that both, either or neither are.

theworldistoosmall · 03/07/2019 10:04

If they were adults, ops dd would be saying along the lines of off you fuck then.
Bollocks to waiting for a week to see if she still wants to be mates.
Your DD doesn't want the other girl in the car. Support her. Yes, they fall out all the time. But do you want to instil in your DD that being manipulated is acceptable?

Other mum will have to make alternative arrangements.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:04

She said she wanted to take a break from the friendship for a week. She didn't flag any specific issue. She just sounds like she's repeating some American soap crap.

So she has what she wanted. She doesn't have to interact with OPs daughter for a week. Words matter. And you're never to young to learn that.

Spiceupyourlife · 03/07/2019 10:12

OP WHAT THE HELL are you doing? Other than raising a DD who thinks it’s perfectly normal to wait around for people to appreciate her?

I’m sorry but 10 years from now it’ll be a guy doing the exact same thing and you’ll be sat there thinking ‘why doesn’t she just get rid of him when he treats her like this?’ And THIS will be why!

Your DD is learning right now the way she expects to be treated by people and this other girl sounds disinterested and manipulative. It’s not even the first time she’s done it- obviously not a good friend!

Don’t teach you DD to be a doormat please- I was your DD and it did me NO favours

LittleGwyneth · 03/07/2019 10:13

I'm with Betrand - why are we all assuming that OP's DD is the wronged party? If the other DD is feeling that she needs a bit of space then she's been honest about it, how does that makes her a bully?

It really worries me how many parents on here seem enthused about getting involved in their kids friendships, and how quick people are to jump to the word bullying.

Kids around this age have fights, fall out, make friends again and repeat. By refusing the lift you're lending huge gravity to the situation which it doesn't need.

We're not going to create resilient kids by protecting them from every single stressful situation.

Personally I'd use this as a teachable moment, 'Sorry DD but we said we'd give Friend a lift, so we're going to, because sometimes you do have to get along with people who you don't like. If you don't make friends again then you don't have to do things with her in the future.'

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 10:19

“But do you want to instil in your DD that being manipulated is acceptable”
No. And if she was mine of course she wouldn’t have to honour any commitments she had made to the friend. And I would be telling her very clearly that it was up to her whether she wanted the friendship to continue. But my commitment to the other mother is an entirely separate thing.

sacope · 03/07/2019 10:29

I believe that it would teach my child that no matter how someone treated you you don't have a choice on certain things

You really can't separate the adults from the 10 year olds can you?

OPs Dd is the one with the car effectively. So as the other child needs the car she is old enough to be told that her behaviour is meaning that she is going to miss out on a lovely day.

No OP had a car and had told the other child's MUM that she will take her. Again, you need to separate the adults from the children.

What the adults have agreed should not be altered because the kids have fallen out. I think that's a bigger lesson to teach our children.

diddl · 03/07/2019 10:29

It could be that Op's daughter is to blame-but that doesn't alter the facts as they stand.

The other girl has asked for space so Op is wondering how far do you take that?

Op, if your daughter wants to be friends again, isn't the car ride a chance for that to happen?

Why is she so against it?

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 10:34

What do you want your child to be at the of this:

The kind of adult that is reasonable, measured and honours commitments by being civil.

The kind of adult that acts immaturely and refuses to continue with the lift, and flounces off over a simple falling out. Magnifying any disagreements/differences and making things more difficult for everyone concerned.

You have offered a lift not a hand in marriage. If dd's friend still continues in this vain, you will be well advised to cool down the favours and distance yourself. BUT if this is a one off, you would be mad to do so, they will be the best of buddies in no time at all. No harm done.

Not every falling out and disagreement is bullying.
Not every request for space signals the end of a great friendship
Not every lift will be seen as leverage.

Stay out of pre teen girls dramas and friendships is my only advice.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 10:37

Children are children, they often unreasonable, unpalatable, uncensored and use grown up words without knowing the full meaning.
By attaching such importance to what is most likely a very normal natural falling out between friends you are blowing up out of all proportion.
FFS lets kids be kids, and stop applying your adult psycho drama.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:38

I don't need to separate the children from the adults. I wouldn't care about the other adult no would care about my child who has said they don't think they want to be in car with this girl. My car is my children's car.

So if my child had become upset over this. And then said they didn't want to travel with this girl. Then 'nice mum' needs to arrange another mode of transport.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 10:42

@Contraceptionismyfriend- and if it turned out your dd was in the wrong? Or it was 50:50?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:46

Probably the same outcome. Friendships end. I'd leave them to that.

But this child has said she wants a break for a week. That has upset OPs dd and now she is uncomfortable being in her own car with this other girl. So as it's her car I'd prioritise how my child felt.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 03/07/2019 10:48

I wouldn't give her a lift,she messing with your dds head making her wait a week until she comes to her decision?! Like fuck would I take her anywhere.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 10:51

Ah right. So nobody goes in your car without your child’s approval? Do you always check first?

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 10:58

Probably the same outcome. Friendships end. I'd leave them to that.

That is a very militant attitude and when you apply to little girls, it sounds even more ridiculous.

They are little girls.

I feel you have lost sight of their age, maturity or lack of, and the role of a parent to be able to see the bigger picture. Ending long standing friendships should not be done lightly.

Do you have pre teen children or teenage children contra as you don't sound very experienced to me.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:58

And here we go. The over dramatic hyperbole.

No. That's not what I've said at all. What I've explained extensively is as this child has been mean to OPs child I would prioritise my child over somebody else. That's it. And many many people have said the same thing.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:00

would you be comfortable for your own child to be cast aside from a long standing friendship through a misunderstanding or disagreement Contra? The other parent banning your young child from their car?

You sound very unreasonable.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:00

No I would leave them to decide wether they want to be friends. I wouldn't tell my child wether or not the could re create the Friendship or whether they should walk away.

I'd just listen to what they'd said. Listen to their hurt and that they wouldn't want to be in the car with this child and take their lead. Because as my child I'd prioritise them knowing that to me they will always have a comfortable place where they do not have to compromise.

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 11:01

over dramatic hyperbole.

I agree, banning children from your car is very dramatic over a falling out. God help your dc if this is your attitude to something relatively minor. Are you always so defensive?