Obese and without motivation

[SplashingAroundTown]

I'm 18 stone, shortish and my BMI is about 50 billion.
I have small children and I'm very unfit. I can walk around for hours easily with them but I can't run, trampoline, swim (my body is now weirdly and slightly grossly buoyant!!), get involved at soft play etc.
My knees really hurt and when I get up from a chair I make an "ooof" noise. I'm also tired all the time and generally sluggish.

I used to be 10 stone and reasonably fit. I've had a few really shit years with bereavement and domestic violence. Now single (phew).

I don't binge eat but I do eat too much over the day so my weight gradually creeps up and up. I probably have between 2000 and 3000 calories a day. Also I really love diet drinks which I know I should knock on the head.

Food has become my emotional crutch and something I have control over. It's not even that the food I eat is terrible, but for example if I have a jacket potato I will have enough cheese and butter with it (and salad...) to make it probably close to 800 calories. Or maybe more. Or if I have a salad I will have a whole avocado, blue cheese and dressing.

I have managed to lose weight before but it is SO HARD not to go back to comfort eating patterns. I am single so no-one else for me to cook for or to cook for me.

My children eat fantastically well and I do eat well with them. But I'm the classic Mum with chocolate hidden in the fridge that I munch while they're distracted/outside etc. I have to reiterate that my dc eat a wide and varied healthy diet. They're the right weight for their height and are slim and fit. I know they will notice that I am fat though (if they haven't already) and this makes me so sad.

So, my AIBU. Aibu to not know where to find the motivation to change my lifestyle? I want to eat more fruit and vegetables. Eat less processed food. Eat my meals with the dc and not eat again after they're in bed. I want to do couch to 5k. I want to take them to Go Ape when they're tall enough! I want to be able to jog along with them when they scoot. I want to be a great role model for them.

And yet, I bury my head in a comforting tray of nachos or a bag of M&M's most evenings. Or both.

It's not ok but I'm struggling so much. Partly, I think the problem is that I have no one to look after me (I know, that sounds a bit wet). I am highly motivated to look after my children and to feed them well but I lack the oomph to do the same for myself. Even though I know that looking after myself is one of the most important things I can do for my dc!

Sorry, it's an essay. AIBU to ask for help, motivation, anything?

I have tried SW and WW. I found the meetings quite annoying and the way of eating didn't seem that healthy to me. To be honest, I don't think I need a diet plan - I just need to not eat crisps, chocolate and cake every single bloody day.

Thanks for reading this far. I will be checking in on this thread before I go to bed.

🙋🏻‍♀️ I’ve literally just had to check myself that I didn’t write this. I’ve no advice but I’m absolutely next to you in the same boat!
Following, in hope...

exitlight ❤️

Oh god this is me! I would like to lose weight but by the end of each day I just want to relax with chocolate and biscuits and wine...
It sounds like you are comfort eating to make yourself feel better, are there other treats you can give yourself that aren't food?

I have no answers, I just wanted to say I am nearly the same weight and really struggling to get motivated. My downfall is eating chocolate and crisps and drinking fizzy drinks. I know why I am this weight but can't seem to break the habit. Happy to support each other if you need a buddy who understands.

I genuinely believe that people won't lose weight unless they're ready to do so, it's true for me at least. I can't convince myself to find will power but I can get myself to a place where I feel more motivated than before and I think it starts with small things, like if I can have a cup of tea without a biscuit I find I'm less inclined to eat other crap because I don't want to ruin my good progress. Start small and celebrate the little victories, I think you'll then find that you WANT to do more and work harder. Good luck OP, I'm rooting for you! 😊

Omg. You are me. Apart from I haven't protected my child from my poor eating.

I need the same help / magic motivation - nothing works to make me take that first step and stick to it.

What are we supposed to do? It like being addicts - do we need to hit our rock bottom moment - if so I haven't had mine yet.

"In 2 weeks - you'll feel it
In 4 weeks - you'll see it
In 6 weeks - you'll hear it"

Or something like that!
That quote always gives me a bit motivation

I don't know if it work, but could you try guilt tripping yourself via your kids since they're the biggest motivation? Every time you don't eat a bowl of nachos or a cake or walk instead of driving/taking the bus put £1-2 in a jar to spend on them on a set date. Don't tell them what you're up to because you don't want them to take on any responsibility for your weight or to disorder their eating, or to actively disappoint them. But you knowing that you're £1 off a surprise cinema trip (or Go Ape one day!) might give you some motivation.

Somewhere, you are so right. You need to have your head in the right place and determination kicks in. You have splendid reasons for losing weight. I lost a lot of weight fairly painlessly with blood sugar diet by Michael Mosley, I got into the habit of asking myself “do I really want this?” And quite often the answer was no so I didn’t eat it! Also eat piles of stuff like veg and salad, I ate ratatouille, bean chilli, soups, lots and lots of veg, and eggs!! Good luck, spend some time getting used to the idea that you’re going to be healthier, then when you wake up you’ll know it’s the day!!

Baby steps. Do not make drastic changes at once. They are unsustainable and will make you fucking miserable. Give up one thing each week. This week do not buy any crisps. None. Tell yourself you do not eat crisps. Not you can't eat them. You don't eat them. You're not a person that eats crisps. In a couple of weeks do the same for cake or chocolate. You know you cannot eat these things in moderation so remove the temptation completely.

Get yourself on Pinterest- start a board of motivational quotes and pictures. You don't want to see your kids losing you to a heart attack/stroke/diabetes before your time. This is absolutely within your control. And it's hard. If it was easy we'd all be a size 8. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard.

What was my motivation? Being in the back row of seats on a flight and the steward asking me to move seats so they could redistribute the ballast! Ballast?? I've been called some fucking things in my time but that was the straw that broke this camel's back. And I'll never fly BA again. I can laugh now in my size 10 jeans though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Remember a bad day doesn't mean you give up. If you drop your phone and chip the corner, you don't jump up and down on it until it's smashed to pieces. Remember that when you accidentally pop a Kitkat or some left overs from the kids plates in your mouth. It's a blip not the end of the world - do not sabotage yourself further and look for comfort at the bottom of a packet of chocolate hobnobs.

Above all be kind to yourself, don't be your own worst critic. You're a great mum first and foremost and your kids deserve to have you around for the longest time possible. Take it one day at a time.

Have you considered baby steps?
I'm in a similar boat to you re comfort eating and have recently started to just make small adjustments.

1 - I bought myself one of those bottles that have times on them that remind you to drink - I find when I keep up with it the amount of water I'm supposed to be drinking over the course of the day makes me feel quite full and less likely to raid the place for snacks. Also focusing on the drinking takes the focus away from the snacking IYSWIM?

2 - I do not go shopping hungry. If I slip up and do I find myself coming home with extra packets of sweets/crisps/pizza and so on because my hungry brain wanted to devour it all in the shop. When I'm not hungry I end up picking something up and really trying to think about - "do I really need this in my basket? I have XYZ lunch/dinner/supper/something in the cupboard/fridge at home which shouldn't be going to waste and I should have instead"
BONUS - if it's not in the house you can't eat it!

3 - when I really, really fancy something sweet/savoury I will try and minimise the damage by picking a less calorie laden version. Today I picked up some pots of low calorie ice cream which are only 70cals per pot rather than the frankie and bennys I was eyeing up. I try to savour it rather than shove it all in my mouth in a hurry.

I do slip up and I'm just starting out but these are the things I'm currently implementing so just thought I'd share.

Fine, I will give you my utterly terrifying cautionary tale and see if that does it for you.

I'm 4 stone overweight, late 40's. My knees used to hurt, gradually getting more painful with me avoiding more stairs etc

Until 2 weeks ago when suddenly the pain was crippling. I was slurring my speech, couldn't think as all I could think about was the pain. A 9 on the pain scale, suddenly couldn't work as I couldn't think about anything else - maximum ibuprofen/paracetamol not touching it.

I've got arthritis. Physio said it wouldn't get better - only choice was a massive lifestyle change. In order to carry out this massive lifestyle change I paid for cortisone injections in my knees.

In last 2 weeks I've joined a gym, started aqua aerobics 3 times a week, gym programme to build up strength around my knees (and hopefully lose weight)

I have to do this in next 3 months before the injections wear off and who knows what's going to happen then? If the pain comes back like before it's game over for me as I couldn't cope. I can only hope it's not too late to get fit etc.

So your knees hurt a bit now OP, any moment that could change. Just like mine did.

Ben and Jerrys NOT Frankie and Bennys

What is your sleep like as a single parent with DC?
It is so much harder to control your eating if you are tired and low on energy.
Prioritise sleep for a week then start with some of the baby steps above.

You have all the motivation there though. If you want to up it... You might die quite young...

Write a food diary on a fridge. Seeing it written down makes massive difference. Give yourself a gold star after a good day. Sounds stupid, but actually makes you feel better about it 😁
I batch cook healthy meals and pop them in a freezer for when I am home alone and have no motivation to cook.
And the biggest difference was quite simple. Every week I made my meal bit smaller. 2 or 3 spoons less of chilli etc. Aiming for 5-10 a day with veg and fruit helped too. Keep the sinful food, but eat just tiny bits no matter how hard it is. If you ban it you will CRAAAAAAAVE it.

And every time I want to binge out I made 20 sit ups. Since I am lazy AF I am not thinking about binging anymore😁

Remember do small things, slowly and you will get there and not only you will lose weight, you will also keep it off because you change your lifestyle. I amdoing this. It's slow, but I feel better! More energetic, positive and not so moody. And I lost just a size in 6 months, but it's speeding up now. Tbh I don't mind the slow process because I just feel good and healthier and know the weight loss will be for ever.
And get your vitamin D checked. Obese people have a problem with it.

Good luck!

I am in the same boat.
I tell myself that breastfeeding a 5 month old and lack of sleep is what's making me raid the cupboards for sugar every hour but it's lies.
I lost 4 stone with slimming world when my DD stopped breastfeeding about 3 years ago but I instantly piled the weight back on and weirdly I'm now exactly the same weight I ballooned to when feeding my DD.

I have yo yo dieted my whole adult life and you really can't have the motivation until you suddenly get that click as that's what keeps you going.

Have you looked at my fitness Pal

My advice is, one thing at a time.

If you stick to eating when/what they eat (in an adult sized portion) and not snacking, the rest will fall into place.

I would also suggest therapy if at all possible. Especially as it sounds like you have had a very difficult few years. Some good therapy should help you to work through some of your difficult feelings to the point where you can just sit with those feelings and don't feel the need to push them away with food (just like some also do with drink or drugs etc).

Personally I think it's the emotional element that's difficult. But once you feel better in yourself the comfort eating would be easier to manage.

SplashingAroundTown no advice, as I am in exactly the same boat.
I eat good 'meals' lots of veg etc, but my portions are definitely bad. And it's the extra stuff I eat without even realising.

OP, maybe consider intermittent fasting/5:2? I was not obese but have lost a good amount doing this (with the support of the MN thread) and find it very compatible with parenting little ones.

I don’t think it’s just motivation. It’s helped me to recognise I have an addiction to food. I use food as an emotional lift, I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food & like other addicts - it’s impossible to just have one bad meal without then ‘oh well might as well give in now anyway’
Or ‘I can’t be healthy today because it’s a Wednesday’
‘I can’t be healthy today because tomorrow is someone’s birthday.’
All of this is addiction talk.
As is - ‘right I’m never going to be bad again for the rest of my life, food is evil I’m going to starve for a month and be happy’
Recognising it & viewing it in this way has really helped start to change the way I see food.

Me too - I know that I need more sleep, but I feel like I need a few hours after the children have gone to bed to wind down. I also need to drink more water. But really I just need to do more exercise.

You can do this.
From tomorrow
Do this
You need to feel hungry for a bit .
Go to bed tomorrow feeling hungry.
It’s ok to to be hungry
Post on here for motivation.
You can do this !!!!

I know it's more expensive but have you co sidered using certain companies that send you food in a box each week? Similar to you i used to be a good weight,exercise regularly but after a few awful years and kids i put on 4 stone. I've since lost almost 14lb on slimming world...all of which i put back on as i got so sick of eating bland food! Also have a big comfort eating problem.

Anyway i decided im so sick of eating rubbish diet food that's bland and just makes me want a hit of sugary food...jacket potatoes,pasta,chilli, low fat yoghurts - that's been my life for years...followed by copious amounts of diet drinks and junk and then it's a vicious circle.

Anyway now im using these boxes ive managed to lose a few pounds without even trying. I just have a normal breakfast of cereal, sandwich and fruit for lunch,a treat and then one of these meals.

I find the food is much more interesting,cooking doesnt take long but is therapeutic, and im not wasting so much food. Also cooking with full fat yoghurt,butter and oil is quite liberating after years of using these low cal oil sprays.

Im in no way affiliated to these companies i am just surprised that by cooking quite calorific meals im actually feeling fuller while eating more normal sized portions and not getting so many cravings. It's also nice to have more interesting food options.

Since im not officially dieting im not losing weight quickly so it's not a silver bullet and there have been a few weeks I've stayed the same when ive had a rubbish week and end up snacking on chocolate,but im just trying to look after myself now and be a bit more positive and enjoy my food.

Ive also tried to accept my current size and buy the correct sized clothes as im terrible for not buying anything thinking that in x amount of weeks ill be able to fit back into my size 10 jeans if i just stick to a diet...when reality is i can never stick to a diet and i end up wearing the same rubbish leggings that make me feel like a slummy mummy.

I dont know if this will be the answer for me but like others say i do think it's about being in the right place in your head and taking care of yourself but its sooo exhausting and difficult.

I am in the same boat with a similar BMI to you @SplashingAroundTown. I really struggle with comfort eating and drinking wine at the weekend. I would give anything for a normal body. I have tried every diet going but they just make me feel worse about myself and I give up. I have joined the gym this week and am focusing on building strength initially but not changing my diet conciously yet. Sending hugs x

Partly, I think the problem is that I have no one to look after me (I know, that sounds a bit wet)

You don't sound wet at all. You sound lovely, and you deserve to be happy. You've survived bereavement and dv, and you'll get through this. Focus on being really, really kind to yourself first. Get rest and fresh air and try to see friends. The weight is just a symptom. Counselling might help. Good luck