Obese and without motivation

[SplashingAroundTown]

I'm 18 stone, shortish and my BMI is about 50 billion.
I have small children and I'm very unfit. I can walk around for hours easily with them but I can't run, trampoline, swim (my body is now weirdly and slightly grossly buoyant!!), get involved at soft play etc.
My knees really hurt and when I get up from a chair I make an "ooof" noise. I'm also tired all the time and generally sluggish.

I used to be 10 stone and reasonably fit. I've had a few really shit years with bereavement and domestic violence. Now single (phew).

I don't binge eat but I do eat too much over the day so my weight gradually creeps up and up. I probably have between 2000 and 3000 calories a day. Also I really love diet drinks which I know I should knock on the head.

Food has become my emotional crutch and something I have control over. It's not even that the food I eat is terrible, but for example if I have a jacket potato I will have enough cheese and butter with it (and salad...) to make it probably close to 800 calories. Or maybe more. Or if I have a salad I will have a whole avocado, blue cheese and dressing.

I have managed to lose weight before but it is SO HARD not to go back to comfort eating patterns. I am single so no-one else for me to cook for or to cook for me.

My children eat fantastically well and I do eat well with them. But I'm the classic Mum with chocolate hidden in the fridge that I munch while they're distracted/outside etc. I have to reiterate that my dc eat a wide and varied healthy diet. They're the right weight for their height and are slim and fit. I know they will notice that I am fat though (if they haven't already) and this makes me so sad.

So, my AIBU. Aibu to not know where to find the motivation to change my lifestyle? I want to eat more fruit and vegetables. Eat less processed food. Eat my meals with the dc and not eat again after they're in bed. I want to do couch to 5k. I want to take them to Go Ape when they're tall enough! I want to be able to jog along with them when they scoot. I want to be a great role model for them.

And yet, I bury my head in a comforting tray of nachos or a bag of M&M's most evenings. Or both.

It's not ok but I'm struggling so much. Partly, I think the problem is that I have no one to look after me (I know, that sounds a bit wet). I am highly motivated to look after my children and to feed them well but I lack the oomph to do the same for myself. Even though I know that looking after myself is one of the most important things I can do for my dc!

Sorry, it's an essay. AIBU to ask for help, motivation, anything?

I have tried SW and WW. I found the meetings quite annoying and the way of eating didn't seem that healthy to me. To be honest, I don't think I need a diet plan - I just need to not eat crisps, chocolate and cake every single bloody day.

Thanks for reading this far. I will be checking in on this thread before I go to bed.

Try just cutting out sugar. I find it hard to eat anything with sugar in now. I lost 8 lbs straight away doing that.

You don't need any advice, you already know exactly how to eat and how to keep fit.

Motivation....sign up to a race three months from now and tell people about it? That way, you know you're going to embarrass yourself if you don't go. Have family or friends mind the kids while you train. Start with couch to 5k, then build from 5k to 10k. Then do the race. Feel good at finishing. Keep going.

Hire a personal trainer, someone to monitor you and be responsible for your success.

Baby steps. You sound like me. I like to "snack" and crave savory things. Now, I don't buy crisps or nachos or chocolate. I keep rice cakes in the house. Some have flavors, even caramel. They are low cal but crunchy and satisfying that way. I also make popcorn in a microwave popping bowl I got on line. It needs very little oil and I sprinkle on some yeast seasoning (Bragg makes it). Much better than the microwave popcorn that is pre made. I also try to keep cut up veggies like cucumber and carrots around for the crunch factor. In the end, it is calories in that count. You can't exercise it all off without a calorie deficit. It is so hard. Good luck.

I've used Paul McKenna I can make you thin in the past which worked well. It's about behaviour change and mindful eating. It's a short book to read and cd with hypnosis with 4 golden rules

Only ear when you are hungry
Stop when you are full
Pay attention to what you are eating so eat slowly
Eat whatever you like as long as you follow the rules

It's actually really simple and good for mindless eating or comfort eating. I've also done hiit exercise training with low carb which worked well. I know what works for me normally but the sleep deprivation is stopping me even starting.....

These threads are very hard as everyone piles in ! I think the Motivation is very simple and is primarily health oriented (as opposed to vanity ) . I lost a few stone and the biggest bonus was my back pain went away . The energy and focus you will have will be immense

How I finally kicked it was started by the whole life challenge . It’s an online programme , and it focuses on healthy habits including diet , exercise , hydration. That’s what finally gave
Me a push . And once you get into healthy habits they really do stick

It’s just the process to start it . I also think you feel better and can handle life’s slings and darts easier when you are fitter and less reliant on junk

There is no easy answer and for everyone the urge to stop their unhealthy behaviours has to Come From them and takes a certain stubborn determination

Good luck

I strongly recommend Dr Berg lectures on you tube and intermittent fasting. There are Facebook groups too. Basically you choose an 8 hour window which you can eat in during the day. E.g. 10am-6pm or 12-8pm just by doing that you can already reduce your calorie intake but what happens is when you are not eating and in the fasting stage between 8 - 12 hours after your last meal your body goes into ketosis and starts using your fat as fuel. It starts burning fat. I've found this diet really working for me. I eat from 10- 6 and it has really helped me as I'm like you and usually binge on unhealthy stuff in the eve. Now after dinner that's it and I just have a green tea with Stevia in (which is allowed ) and my body is getting some time without me grazing. It's got a lot of health benefits too. Definitely search intermittent fasting on YouTube

I’m in the same situation. Except mine is evening snacking. I’m single, work full time and have two children at home and adult children I still run about after.

I’m fed up of having to do it all and have never liked cooking. I’m getting in the bad habit of feeding the children something but not wanting it myself so meal skipping straight onto snack kind of foods and alcohol to fill up.

Obviously I know this isn’t sustainable but just can’t get motivated to change at the moment. I feel lonely and why should I bother caring for myself if nobody cares for me anyway.

While I’ve touched on the subject with friends I haven’t told anyone quite how bad I am.

I could have written that OP! I’ve recently bought a book from Overeaters Anonymous which is making a lot of sense to me (even though I’m not religious!) and I might go to a meeting in the future. I eat really good meals but too much of them. Luckily I am too knackered by the end of the day to get off the sofa for snacks 😄 I don’t buy rubbish. My personal trainer (been seeing her 3 years and am still no smaller) always tells me I am full of muscle. But i definitely have too much fat too 😄
I try and eat dinner with the kids so only 1 opportunity to be exposed to food in the evening and once I come down from putting them to bed I don’t have to think about food again. I feel exhausted by thinking about food all the time - not only what choices to make for myself, but what to feed my 2 boys who like completely different things. Also by eating with the boys if I finish off their leftovers it’s not as bad as doing that and THEN cooking for myself later.
I have to exercise in the morning otherwise it won’t get done, which can be tricky with 2 preschoolers. Gym Creche or 30 day shred while the little one naps and the oldest has screentime.

I really want to wear shorts (and look decent in them obvs) for DS’ first day of school, that was my goal this time last year!! I’m definitely a crammer though so hopefully will get my act together over the summer.

Always seems to take me way more effort to lose weight than others. Only 2 times I’ve porperly managed it - for my wedding I ate 2 weetabix, half a grilled chicken breast with peas and sweet corn, and a small carb-free main meal and did 2 workouts every day. Didn’t weigh myself so not sure how much I lost but it was a lot. Still size 14 though.
The other time was in my first pregnancy which was because I was unemployed and childfree so could workout all day and craved salad.
I once did a meal replacement diet where people commonly lose a couple of stone in the first month. I lost 5lb. SO HARD to stay motivated when everyone around you is losing so easily and you’re doing all the right things tenaciously.

I have tried weighing myself and never weighing and I definitely am more motivated weighing every day. Scared to at the mo so i’ll Just lose some to start with and the brave the scaled

Oh also with exercise make sure you don’t fuck your feet/knees up. This time last year (6 months post partum) I went too hard trying to get up to running a 5k, never properly warmed up or down and have had agonising foot problems ever since, which really screwed my over this last year. Thought it was getting better but has been awful this week for some reason!

I invested in a Louise Parker book and have been following her recipes. Lost 3 kilos so far. The main thing that helped was her mottos: 'Eat beautifully' (prepare food carefully like you're serving your best friend and don't binge on kids' leftovers or junk), 'never eat standing up' (stops me raiding the fridge whilst cooking), 'no stinking thinking' (think you'll be successful) and do at least 15 mins exercise each day :)

Oh - and only stock healthy food and make it difficult to reach for junk food in the freezer or cupboards.

I do couch to 5k at home as I cant always get out. I walk around or march on the spot and then go up and down the stairs / jog on the spot for the faster sections. It’s not as good as the real version, but it gets you moving. You can also do it whilst watching tv. One 30 minute programme is one session and it flies by.

Sugar addiction takes about a week to break before you start feeling good. Have painkillers handy for the headaches and if you're desperate for something sweet have raspberries (I know they can be expensive so frozen ones work well if you bung them in the microwave for a minute).

I need to do this but so easily lose motivation .My downfall is cakes and biscuits and fruit just does not cut it a substitute. I did quite well on Slimming World but lost interest . I think 5:2 May be good for me. Good Luck OP.

C25k at home is GENIUS! I can do that while I watch tv!!!

I'm 5'4" and weigh 17st 7lb (which is pretty much where my weight has stayed for two months, but my heaviest ever was a stone more). I do binge eat. I have disordered eating.

I cannot exercise, not without making myself very ill, because of severe fibromyalgia and cfs. But exercising is the thing which gives me motivation.

I've always found that healthy mindful eating is a lot easier when I'm spending my time, money and energy on exercising. And the combination of exercise with watching my diet will cause changes to my weight, which further invests me.

If you were able to manage some exercise which I'm unable to, I wonder if it would work for you like it would for me. I'm working up to swimming again, I hate it because I can't stand water in my face etc, but it's the least problematic exercise I can attempt.

Good luck. You can do this. And for what it's worth, my weight appeared following leaving an abuser too.

I have quickly scanned all the posts and I don't think anyone has mentioned My Fitness Pal. Please OP, if you only do one thing in your endeavours today, get yourself onto that site and signed up. Start logging your food (dead easy after a very short time) and / or just get on to their community forums and read, read, read. There is so much amazing info that can answer any question about any diet and there are thousands of people in exactly the same position. Oh, and it's free!!

I find it very inspirational and motivational to read about other people's struggles and successes and sometimes, if I'm about to have a rummage in the fridge, I'll sit down and go onto the forum instead to remind me that I am not alone! Seriously, best thing I ever did.

And having just re-read that, I sound like I work for the site, haha, I don't, honest, it's just I wish I had found it sooner than I did. And because it's free, you don't lose anything if it's not for you! Good luck!

One day at a time OP. I'm similar to you, but I snack on 'healthy' food rather than junk and drink too much alcohol calories.
I've made changes which include:
No snack type stuff in the house for the most part. No crisps or biscuits etc. If I want something I'd have go go out of my way to get it. The kids have minimal snacks - and I get them things I know I don't like!
Exercise - swimming. I would recommend this to you, you aren't too buoyant! You just need to pull yourself through the water harder as you;re larger which is tiring I know, but do 10 laps. slowly and start there. It's really helps with joint pain and is low impact. It's not easy for me to be in a swim suit in front of people - I have to steel myself every time but I'm doing it to get healthier.
YouTube exercise videos - there's a woman called Joanna Soh who does short routines aimed at over weight people. Fit it in every other day, before kids wake up or after they've gone to bed - the difference this has made is great. I feel stronger.
Yoga App - there's one called Yoga Studio that I highly recommend as it has routines of 15 mins and up for all levels, you can do these at home. I have knee, hip, back issues and yoga has really helped.
Doing these things has empowered me to do C25K - I get up really early and run when no-one is around. Harder for you I know as a single mum.
For me it's about doing something everyday, I now do another sport that I never thought I'd be able to. I feel better about myself even on a 'bad' day. I still have a long way to go but as these things become more routine to me I have more energy, spend less time watching telly, or on the laptop, am more aware of what I eat and am generally happier...

OP you sound a lovely mum, who has obviously been through a lot. Previous posters have give a variety of good advice, you will find some suit you other’s won’t.

I personally found the 5:2 the best for long term keeping off the weight and changing my tastes and eating habits.
The evenings are hard, occupying yourself difficult. I knit! It gives you something physical to do other than eating. You don’t have to make anything. I knit simple blankets ( no bigger than a pillowslip) for a premature baby unit.
Apart from helping yourself your helping others.

Lots of good advice here, I have one more tip:
When shopping, work out the total calories in something before putting it in your trolley.

Eg, a large bar of dairy milk nutritional info says "one portion = 25g = 133cal" which sounds like hardly anything really.

But it has the cals per 100g (534) and the bar weighs 200g, so what you're holding in your hand is over 1000cals, so you need to ask yourself, do i really need to bring an extra 1000cals into my house?

(And we both know that bar could be gone in 15mins if you put your mind to it )

Firstly you need to feel proud of yourself for being totally honest for the reasons for your weight, there is no denial and that makes you already half way through the journey to lose weight.

What seems to be the biggest challenge is that you've set yourself up in habits that brings you comfort. What you need to focus on is breaking the associations between what you are doing and eating. The most common issue that leads to these habits is boredom and tiredness. You are tirein the evenings after looking after the children so feel you deserve a comfort reward and you feel mentally bored so don't feel contented after just one treat.

Motivation is a tough one because you need it to lose weight but the best way to be feel motivated is experiencing the happiness and physical benefits of having lost some weight.

You don't need someone else to give you motivation, it's never good to rely on others for it as you can't control it. I would focus on the triggers that makes you go for food when you know it is not a necessity and what you could do to break the habits that links feeling a particular way to reaching for food.

A good trick when you are a single mum of young children is to not have anything tempting but bad in the cupboards. Decide on one treat a day, and buy it daily. If you have nothing that you crave in the evenings and you can't go out to get it, you'll have to accept it. Gradually, the habit of thinking of what else you could have, or getting up to the cupboard will lessen and then even disappear.

I'm the same. I lost 3 and a half stone 2 years ago and its nearly all back on (bereavement)
I've started running and my diet is getting back on track. You can do it!

Look how strong you are, you're a survivor of DV and living with bereavement and you're still fighting

Re nice clothes. I love ASOS curve because they have little videos showing the model walking in it and they tell you heoght and size of model (the latter is standard nowadays)

Signing in.. Another working single mum with about 3 stone to lose. My issue is also wine / snacks after the kids are in bed because I feel like I deserve it after getting through another day of school run, work, activities, dinner, arguments about screen time, bickering and bedtime. When I'm in the zone I do MFP with a 1200 cal daily limit and knit, crochet or do a puzzle in the evening to keep my hands busy. That really helps actually. I lost a stone in about 6 weeks before Xmas but then haven't found the motivation again.

My kids finish school next week so I've decided to make a big colourful chart for all 3 of us. Everyday we all need a tick for doing something kind, doing something helpful, being outside or out of breath, eating a piece of fruit and doing something with a pen or pencil in hand. I'll let you know how it goes!!

Thank you all. So kind and helpful.
TheHeathen 15 minutes?! 5 if you melt it and eat with a spoon...

I’m going to really give it my best shot. I’m having today as a fast day and will have an omelette and vegetables for 500calorie supper tonight. Going to meal plan and will get back into my fitness pal because yes, it’s free and great for logging food.

I rarely drink but I think I’ll cut it out altogether because it’s empty calories. I’m going to try to limit myself to one can of Diet Coke a day and stick to water. Lovely cold water from the fridge with lemon.

I’m actually rather hungry but taking it an hour at a time.

It would be so great if next summer I didn’t live in jeans and have to bat off “aren’t you hot wearing that?” every day. Yes. I am hot. I’m bloody boiling but I don’t own shorts and skirts make my legs rub and sore. Gah.