Obese and without motivation

[SplashingAroundTown]

I'm 18 stone, shortish and my BMI is about 50 billion.
I have small children and I'm very unfit. I can walk around for hours easily with them but I can't run, trampoline, swim (my body is now weirdly and slightly grossly buoyant!!), get involved at soft play etc.
My knees really hurt and when I get up from a chair I make an "ooof" noise. I'm also tired all the time and generally sluggish.

I used to be 10 stone and reasonably fit. I've had a few really shit years with bereavement and domestic violence. Now single (phew).

I don't binge eat but I do eat too much over the day so my weight gradually creeps up and up. I probably have between 2000 and 3000 calories a day. Also I really love diet drinks which I know I should knock on the head.

Food has become my emotional crutch and something I have control over. It's not even that the food I eat is terrible, but for example if I have a jacket potato I will have enough cheese and butter with it (and salad...) to make it probably close to 800 calories. Or maybe more. Or if I have a salad I will have a whole avocado, blue cheese and dressing.

I have managed to lose weight before but it is SO HARD not to go back to comfort eating patterns. I am single so no-one else for me to cook for or to cook for me.

My children eat fantastically well and I do eat well with them. But I'm the classic Mum with chocolate hidden in the fridge that I munch while they're distracted/outside etc. I have to reiterate that my dc eat a wide and varied healthy diet. They're the right weight for their height and are slim and fit. I know they will notice that I am fat though (if they haven't already) and this makes me so sad.

So, my AIBU. Aibu to not know where to find the motivation to change my lifestyle? I want to eat more fruit and vegetables. Eat less processed food. Eat my meals with the dc and not eat again after they're in bed. I want to do couch to 5k. I want to take them to Go Ape when they're tall enough! I want to be able to jog along with them when they scoot. I want to be a great role model for them.

And yet, I bury my head in a comforting tray of nachos or a bag of M&M's most evenings. Or both.

It's not ok but I'm struggling so much. Partly, I think the problem is that I have no one to look after me (I know, that sounds a bit wet). I am highly motivated to look after my children and to feed them well but I lack the oomph to do the same for myself. Even though I know that looking after myself is one of the most important things I can do for my dc!

Sorry, it's an essay. AIBU to ask for help, motivation, anything?

I have tried SW and WW. I found the meetings quite annoying and the way of eating didn't seem that healthy to me. To be honest, I don't think I need a diet plan - I just need to not eat crisps, chocolate and cake every single bloody day.

Thanks for reading this far. I will be checking in on this thread before I go to bed.

In 2 weeks - you'll feel it
In 4 weeks - you'll see it
In 6 weeks - you'll hear it

Omg, I LOVE this. I am going to print it out and put it everywhere. My desk in work, o. The fridge, in the cupboard. It shall be my new mantra.

OP, well done on leaving your abusive relationship. Now is the time to focus on YOU.

I am on day 2 of changing the way I eat.

You can do this. What about doing an online shop and not ordering any junk?

Make a massive fruit salad so whenever you feel like a snack that little bit of sweetness might take away your craving.

Brush your teeth and use some long lasting mouthwash after you've had your tea.

I have bought a static exercise bike for £20 off gumtree and I get up early (well I have done the last 2 days 😂😂) and watch the TV whilst cycling (maybe a Netflix series, so you have something to make you get up).

Just 1 thing at a time. Possibly swap fizzy drinks for fizzy water with a flavour in. Slice of lemon/lime, cucumber etc.

Idk. Wish I could practice what I preach. I am 4stone overweight. But as a pp said, you need to be in the right headspace.

Luckily I feel I am there. You can do it OP

I’m a single parent too and have put on 4 stone after finally getting to 10stone 3 years ago after a change to a more stressful job and studying OU in the evenings.

I spent £80 and downloaded the Jillian Michaels app last week, its really good. It has lots of her dvds available, some that are about just getting back into fitness as well as lots of others and several different meal plans with lots of recipes. DD has loved some of the meals IVE cooked. I figure the expense is far less than joining the gym and the workouts can be personalised to the equipment and time you have available.

Feel your pain OP.

For me it has helped to work out that I'm an avoider not a moderator. Like pp, one bad meal choice is never just one - it triggers my compulsive behaviour to binge. So I news to completely avoid my triggers (sugar, grains, salty snacks). But perhaps you are a moderator and can eat "everything in moderation"?

Not sure if this will help, but whenever I need self motivation, I imagine that I am already the person that I want to be. I just get into the role, and act it.

For example, I'd tried running before, and found it near impossible. One day I just changed my mindset - thought to myself, I am a woman who can run. It got me through the motivation barrier, and a few weeks later I managed Park Run.

Same with food. When I'm shopping, I just tell myself - you're not a woman who eats crisps in the evening.

Might be a bit weird, but really works for me.

You need to be in the right place mentally to find the motivation to stick at something. I am knackered with 2 toddlers but suddenly something clicked and I couldn't bare to be fat any more. Intermittent fasting had been the one for me, I find it really easy, I actually enjoy it and plan to do it forever. I've lost 40lbs and am 2lbs away from a healthy weight.

It is a struggle it is so hard I've lost 4 and a half stone in the last year but been piling the lbs back on I've lost interest and prefer the cake and the chocolate and the packet of biscuits which is such a shame as I had done so well. I think it's all about mindset and how much you want it. When cupcakes or chocolate cake or biscuits are infront of me I believe I want them more then regret it. I eat out of boredom a lot of the time and visit the kitchen many times to search for snacks. I do walk but I can't jog far I get stitched quite easy. Swimming makes me so hungry and high intensity work outs have ended up followed by 3 days of painful aches and pains so not worth it. I won't quit but it's becoming embarrasing going to my weekly classes now though.

This thread has helped me already. Mainly because everyone has been supportive and understanding. Not full of skinny Minnie's preaching.
My downfall is Frappuccinos and wine. Not together🙈
I'm older, 67, and will be having replacement knee surgery in September so you'd think that would be incentive enough to lose weight wouldn't you?
Now I know I'm not alone I'm going to make a few changes.

Ps even if u cant do meal prep boxes how about getting into cooking more? It's sooo hard to find the time / energy i know that especially with kids and full day at work but when im exhausted and cooking i think, well if i wasn't doing this id just be sitting on the sofa eating chocolate anyway...and making something really nice is more enjoyable than munching through a load of crap food that you just feel guilty and sick after anyway,

Have you always struggled to maintain a healthy weight OP or is it something that has happened post children?

OP, you sound lovely with a gentle sense of humour.

Not really anything to add, other than I quit smoking which was so bloody hard, lots of slip ups and backwards steps along the way. The key is to delve deep and understand why you're doing something that is ultimately damaging to yourself - is it comfort eating? I comfort smoked, no matter what else was going on in my life, my ciggies were reliable! You mentioned that you were in an abusive relationship so maybe the over eating is a form of protection. I don't know as I don't know you but I think you have to work out what the crux of the problem is.

I've lost weight on Anna Richardson's Summer Body Blitz diet (you can pick up a 2nd hand copy for a couple of £). Sensible healthy diet, lots of healthy recipes with no weird and wonderful ingredients. I'm doing it again now as I need to shift a bit of weight again.

I second the pp on 5:2 or other form of intermittent fasting. I find portion control really hard - I can't just have one or two of something, once I start, I have the whole bag/ packet/pot. But, I find I'm fine with eating nothing at all. Especially since I know I can eat normally the next day.

I maintain a healthy weight (having started off overweight about 7 years ago) by having 3 fast days, 3 normal days, and 1 treat day a week. It is seriously SO much easier than permanently being on a diet.

try guilt tripping yourself via your kids since they're the biggest motivation? Every time you don't eat a bowl of nachos or a cake or walk instead of driving/taking the bus put £1-2 in a jar to spend on them on a set date

I think this is a great idea! Also, could you think about making a few little changes - you mentioned your jacket spud, could you use low fat spread or a lot less butter and reduce your cheese, even by just a quarter? Make it nachos OR m&ms. Never both. Semi skimmed milk if you don't already use it - even if it means getting yourself and the DC two different types.

My commiserations on the arthritis BTW, I've got RA and my knees are complete bitches to me. One drug-free way to help your knees is to see if you can get a referral to your local Orthotics department (you can often self-refer). They'll be able to give you some insoles which help take the strain off things.

Brilliant post JeSuis we can all learn from that

No advice as I am the same boat so following with interest.

Like you I eat healthy stuff and my DC eats no junk but lots of healthy food. I am an emotional eater and deal with problems by eating too much and junk mostly in secret and when DC is in bed. I have been struggling to conceive, fell pregnant recently, had a miscarriage and now I am eating tons again to feel better. Was planning to rejoin a gym, never got round to it 🙈
Most of my smart work clothes (which I need a lot for important meetings) are at least one if not two sizes too small.
So depressing.

Following with interest and hope to pick up some good tips.

Losing weight and keeping it off is HARD. Almost impossible at times. I think so many people are in the same boat as you. It is worth it though for so many reasons.

Do you have a photo of you that you love from when you were slim? Can you stick it up somewhere prominent to motivate you. That has helped me lots. I also put together a weight loss journal with photos of me at my biggest - I go into denial and it's important to look at those photos and remember how miserable I feel when I'm heavy. I look terrible in them.

There really is so much evidence that being big is terrible for your health. People get away with it when they're younger but carry any weight on your lower stomach and you have a much higher risk of getting certain cancers and joint pain in your 50s is dreadful when otherwise you could be running around. Junk food isn't worth that. You really do need to keep remembering the link when crap food tempts.

I think substitutions are also the way forward. There are so many nice recipes out there nowadays - like chocolate mousse made from avocadoes or a chocolate bar made from oat flour and date paste dipped in dark chocolate (Deliciously Ella does a great recipe). Yes those recipes need planning and thought but you can always freeze healthier treats in bulk to turn to when you have a craving.

Keep going. I am at my slimmest adult weight and feel absolutely great for it. Properly happier. I can wear much nicer clothes and have more energy. It really was worth all the effort. I think the longer you're bigger, the more you forget how it feels to be slimmer and healthier.

I can highly recommend a book called the obesity code by Dr Jason Fung. It’s made losing weight so easy for me, it’s a type of intermittent fasting and I only eat between 12 and 8pm. Stops me snacking in the evenings and rather than thinking I can’t have the cake I just think I can’t have it now but I can have it tomorrow lunchtime if I still want it. I really rate the book, make so much sense to me, we aren’t designed to be constantly eating, feast and fast is the way we have evolved to exist. Best of luck OP

brightlineeating.com/

My friend has lost a lot of weight on this. The lady was a drug addict, got clean but then used food where she had previously used drugs iyswim and became large but has now kept the weight off for 15yrs. She approaches it from the addict’s perspective because you are probably using food in the same way as a drug addict uses drugs. And food, as delicious as it is, is not meant to be used like that.

I also recommend the Obesity Code and Why We Get Fat (Gary Taubes)

I also recommend the Obesity Code and Why We Get Fat (Gary Taubes)

Yes definitely read these, they're brilliant.

If there is only one book you ever read in your life, read this:
Dr Jason Fungs The Obesity Code. It will transform your life and make you understand the most important questions
.The best diet book ever!

I've read more diet books than I know what to do with here is why this book is the best:

1. It explains why calorie restriction doesn't work.
2. It explains why over eating doesn't cause you to gain weight.
3. It explains in simple terms why we get fat.
4. It's a whole lifestyle approach to losing weight.
5. It doesn't tell you one diet is better than another, but it tells you exactly why most diets work but for only about 6 months.
6. Then, it tells you what to do to avoid plateauing after 6 months.
7. If you think being a "vegan" is far healthier than "Paleo" or vice versa, you can read this book without getting angry.
8. The guidelines are simple to follow.

I recommend this book for anybody who wants to understand weight gain / weight loss. This is probably the only diet book you'll ever need! (less)

I'm reading through all the replies carefully. THANK YOU!!! X

I could completely have written this. I want it, but then out of nowhere I want to eat rubbish more. It's so hard. I know this isn't helpful, but I'm loving reading all these replies and ideas.

Thank you for this thread, OP.

JeSuis I only just managed to fit into the ninjago ride at sodding Legoland. That would have been SO awful if I couldn't get in!!! Was a bit of a wake up call (not quite enough apparently, but still...)
LaurieFairyCake That is terrifying. And helpful. Thank you for sharing. Best of luck to you for getting fit...
AverageMummy Bingo. Totally an addiction.

OP you sound very similar to me in terms of size and shape. I reached the point a week ago where I knew I needed to do something. No coincidence the baby had slept through so for once I wasn't as exhausted.

It may not be right for you but I am doing a meal replacement diet. At my weight there is so much to get off that it makes the journey a little simpler and start with more of a kick. I find it helps to take food almost completely out of the equation for a while so I am not constantly having to make good choices and then later on can reintroduce healthy food slowly. It takes a few days to adjust so can be tricky with children but personally I feel like shit anyway so might as well be losing weight.

Lots of people will say that you'll put all the weight back on but I've found that happens as quickly or even quicker with regular diets.

There are some supportive threads on MN in the big/slim section whatever you decide.

Ounce Thank you. That's so kind X
In 2 weeks - you'll feel it
In 4 weeks - you'll see it
In 6 weeks - you'll hear it
This is so helpful!!!

cuddlysnowleopard that's hilarious but also very helpful

floomph I have a great photo of my bottom (in jeans!) on the fridge for motivation. From when I had 29 inch waist jeans...