To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

@OneThreadOnly0101

Sorry if I've missed it, but how old are your older two? Could GPs take just them on holiday and you and DH stay behind or go on your own holiday with baby?

They are 8 and almost 5. Someone else suggested this. I think it's a good idea but the kids might miss me and their baby sibling - I would have to talk to the kids and see what they think. Sure PIL would be up for it.

It is possible to have a proper holiday in the UK you know? It doesn’t have to be just a few days. Far better for the environment too.

I think you are getting a hard time op
Your PIL are being ridiculous. Why do they get to dictate your holidays. Go without them. Find a place with a good kids club and give your children an amazing time without gp
In 4 years you likely won't want to be bothered holidaying with them as you'll have got used to holidaying with your own family

@IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod the PIL are not dictating anything. They don't want to holiday abroad with a baby. Neither would I!

I'm team PIL. Sounds like they've damn well earned some holiday time.

They just got back on friday from 2 weeks all inclusive in a 5* resort, had a week away at Easter, are going for another 2 weeks in Greece AI with SIL and nephews next month and 4 weeks in Australia in the autumn. I am bloody over the moon for them and can only dream of that kind of retirement myself. But.... we aren't stealing their only chance to get away from it all.

I agree with PP's who say that you're making too much of this. Yes, it's a bit disappointing that you won't be going on holiday with your PIL for a couple of years, but it's not the end of the world and they do sound like involved GPs already.

Also, treating your GC or even DC the same just doesn't always happen. I thought my PIL would want to be v. involved with their GC, but no, they're not. They also pay far more attention to two of their four children, to the extent that DH and his elder sister joke about being the "less favoured" children. . It's not v. nice really, but there's nothing to be done about it.

So you've actually only been away with them twice?

And you go away every other year - so maybe missing out in another one maybe two holidays tops?

You're being ridiculous.

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers They take on a lot of childcare and caring. Every holiday should be what they want.

I wouldn't want to holiday with someone else's baby.
Why won't you consider a UK holiday?

How about suggesting to your SIL that you all go away together, and let the grandparents know that they're welcome to join you. Find a place where you can book 3 apartments/villas close together. There's a place we go to in Spain that's a really small family run complex - 2 apartments sleeping 4/5 and a studio apartment, so perfect for 2 young families and the grandparents in the studio, for example.

Or just speak to them and say what you've said on here. That you really enjoy their company and the children adore them. That you have no expectations from them in terms of childcare on holiday, and you will be breastfeeding and slinging. That you don't expect the holiday to revolve round your baby's naps and feeding. If you already have separate apartments usually then noise and nighttime wakings won't be an issue.

Point out that your children would be sad not to holiday with them for the next 3 years, and you will be going abroad with or without them, but it would be lovely if they wanted to join you.

Alternatively, enjoy the novelty of having a family holiday just the 5 of you! I know my OH gets fed up because we often go to my family for a holiday, as they live at a seaside destination and it means we get to spend a couple of weeks with them a year. However, he'd much rather have a holiday with just us, which is what we're doing this year.

You've only been away with them twice?!

Go with your SIl.... cut parents out completely 😀

I can't believe that you're so fucked off about this that you're going to ask them to take two of your DC on holiday

I'd love to see a thread from the PIL point of view if you did that

We have done Cornwall, Wales, Clacton and Felixstowe. Each time it pissed it down and was not worth the money or the time driving and it wasn't anywhere near as good.

I haven't said it was the end of the world or that they are awful. Just that they are being weird. Seems to be a mixed bag of opinions which is fine but I think the name calling could be reeled in a bit. I do, obviously, realise it is a first world problem, I'm not pretending otherwise or crying about it. I am miffed, and feel snubbed but I'll get over it and it won't affect our relationship.

I can't believe that you're so fucked off about this that you're going to ask them to take two of your DC on holiday hmm

Where have I said that? Someone suggested DH and older kids could go with PIL without me and baby and I said I might talk to the kids to see how they would feel about that because it would solve their baby issue. Not the same asking PIL to take my two on holiday, is it? DH would take them, and pay - and I doubt it would fly with the kids anyway. Can't believe you can't read.

They sound like really nice people that are being pulled in all directions and you should be embarrassed by making such a passive aggressive suggestion that so the kids don't miss out, you'll graciously stay home with the baby .

It's up to them but it's not an insult. Just do your own thing and enjoy time with your own family.

I'm confused. If you have an 8 year old and a 4 year old, and PIls won't take children away until they're 4, by my reckoning that means you end only been away with them once if you only go every alternative year. And also, if your SILs children are younger than yours, they too would only have been away once.
Regarding average temperatures in Uk and Cananries in July and August, a quick Google check gives you temperatures in Uk of around 20 C and 28c in Canaries. Very different!

I Feel sorry for your pil.
And for someone who has just found out you are pregnant this is the kind of thing that goes through your mind?

"They are 8 and almost 5. Someone else suggested this. I think it's a good idea but the kids might miss me and their baby sibling - I would have to talk to the kids and see what they think. Sure PIL would be up for it."

Ah you see this is what gave me the impression you were going to ask your PILs to take the older two on holiday, after someone suggested "Could GPs take just them on holiday and you and DH stay behind or go on your own holiday with baby?"
Perhaps I should have qualified it with "I'll ask the children first, then ask the PIL if the children want me to"

You asked if you were BU and I (and others) think you are. You still don't, fair enough. Do you not feel though (genuinely curious, not being snarky) there is a chance of upsetting them if your DH tells them you feel miffed they won't go on holiday with babies? Bearing in mind all they do for their DC, GDC and own parent already? I think if I were your PIL I'd be upset by that. It's sort of complaining about what they don't do instead of being grateful for what they do do.

If I had PIL who were nice enough that I wanted to go on holiday with them, and they contributed to my childcare in addition to looking after others, I'd certainly not be moaning it's not enough. But I don't have nice PIL (or holiday!) so I might just be jealous

I’m struggling to imagine a natural conversation in which the GP’s can say “it’s our policy” without sounding like the customer service helpline at EasyJet? Surely no normal person speaks like this?

Whoa......

Exactly how many times have these wonderful family holidays occurred? Because if you are this dramatic about something that has happened once or twice you really need to dial it back a bit.

Jesus wept! They're over there paying your kids' nursery fees and you're bitching that they don't want to go on holiday with a baby in tow and dammit, they should because they have lots of holidays. Dear god! They can't win for losing. No wonder they're closer to the SIL's children, you're quite the stroppy and entitled one. Get over yourself. The baby isn't even here yet and you're already arse out of kilter over this? Grow up! Team PIL.

Look, I I do love babies but only in five minute stretches I was even a bit dubious about my own sometimes and I think I would have scooped out my own eyes with a melon baller than wrangle them abroad

I'm not a completely shit parent btw. I like them much better now they're teenagers. I think lots of us enjoy babies/toddlers more, whilst others enjoy older children. Your PIL might be like me and in the latter group? Which makes all they already do for their family even more admirable.