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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP taking drugs at festival...

165 replies

Blaba · 02/07/2019 07:22

Hi all,

My DP got back from a 5 day festival last night and whilst chatting about how it was,he casually mentioned that he took LSD, acid and ecstasy.

For a bit of background,he lost his driving license 18 months go for driving under the influence and possession of drugs.

He is by no means an addict - he takes drugs when he parties basically. Which can be once every couple of months even.

We also have a 7 month old baby and an 8 year old DS.

AIBU to be angry and think that this is completely irresponsible and immature? I don't begrudge him going out etc,but I think that he has responsibilities and it's very dangerous.

I'm probably exhausted too,our baby is teething and I've been having sleepless nights whilst he's been off his face on drugs...

Thanks for any thoughts!

OP posts:
Becca83 · 02/07/2019 08:36

I would have left him after he decided to drive under the influence. Absolute deal breaker for me. And then to get off his face whilst you're at home with a baby? I don't know how you can stand to look at him. He sounds like a real charmer. Is this the father you wanted for your child? Some role model.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 08:37

@araiwa Most people who had lost their licence as a result of their drug taking, lost a lot of money, caused problems with their family life and work life, would have the sense and control NOT to start taking drugs again the moment they got their licence back. Clearly he has no restraint or just can't say no. I can see why some would regard that as an addiction. You don't have to be taking on a daily basis to have a problem even if it's not a full blown addiction.

araiwa · 02/07/2019 08:39

I suppose if you make up your own definitions of what an addict is, then i could be an alcoholic

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2019 08:39

You don't have to be mega rich to go to a festival and do drugs, don't know why people are going on about how he can afford it. I managed it on a student income.

He's got a young family and can still afford a 5 day festival and money for fines.
That's not cheap. He's not a student just thinking about himself.

OP - don't get arsy with us. You have your own choices and it's right they're questioned just as his are. Would I ever have had a baby with a drug user, recreational or not? No. Wouldn't have been with him in the first place. See - that's how choices work.

MonstranceClock · 02/07/2019 08:40

I have young family too. Infact, I'm a single parent!

CustardCreamLover · 02/07/2019 08:43

@Blaba you will get bashed on here. People behind computer screens can very easily sit and write 'leave him! Leave him!' But in reality how is that easy?

I was in a similar position but it was weed. Husband agreed he would stop when baby was born. He didn't. I gave him an ultimatum and he stopped but on here I was accused of being controlling and told I knew his nature and why did I have a baby with him?

I sympathise with you. We put too much faith in our partners that they will grow up when a baby is added to the family. It isn't our fault that they don't. I don't have any advice unfortunately. The ultimatum worked for me but it sounds like you have a bigger problem. Good luck.

Morgan12 · 02/07/2019 08:44

I don't mind recreational drug use but I really feel that the combo he took was beyond dangerous when he has young children.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 08:44

Cambridge dictionary definition of addiction:

"an inability to stop doing or using something, especially something harmful"

Collins dictionary definition of addiction:

"An addiction to something is a very strong desire or need for it."

I repeat, I can see why some posters would regard the OPs bloke as an addict araiwa even if you don't. He ignored a VERY big wake up call. His desire for drugs is more important that his partner, his children and potentially his job, as I imagine if he lost his licence again, they'd sack him this time. If he's prepared to risk all that, for drugs at a festival, I'd say he has a very strong desire to take drugs. Which fits the Collins definition.

Alsohuman · 02/07/2019 08:50

How was he going to lose his licence again by taking drugs at a festival under circumstances which guaranteed he wouldn’t be driving? He used non addictive drugs after a significant period of abstention, this talk of addiction is melodramatic bollocks. Would he be an alcoholic if he didn’t drink for months on end then drank a few glasses of wine?

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 08:50

@CustardCreamLover your situation is different. Because your dp promised to stop. Thos do made no such promise.

But yes, having faith that someone one will quit doing something when a baby appears is naive.

As I said OP needs to speak to him. If he wont stop and she still hates it, her only options are to accept it or leave. Not sure why you would make such offence to people telling her to leave, if she doesnt want to be with a drug user.

Original poster
Blaba · 02/07/2019 08:55

I don't care that he went - I'm used to him not being here,and tbh,I prefer it that way.

It's just the irresponsibility and selfishness of it.

After all the shit it's caused aswell.

It's immature, pathetic and I really have to seriously revaluate my life - thanks.

OP posts:
CustardCreamLover · 02/07/2019 08:57

@AmericasAss 🙄

WolfInSlutsClothing · 02/07/2019 08:58

AlsoHuman no, he wouldn't. Its just the armchair diagnosers on here who all seem to have psychology degrees. He took acid ex. Drugs which are widly used at festivals and are not addictive.

Personally OP, normally this wouldn't bother me because he was away. I'm also not anti-drugs so my opinion will be different to yours. But in your situation I can understand why you are annoyed. I also don't think the whole 'why did you have a baby with him' is helpful. The baby is here now and this is the situation. You need to talk with him and see what you both want or if you can accept that he will probably do it again next time hes at a festival.

loubieloulou · 02/07/2019 09:01

I second this @AmericasAss ....

Well it depends. You clearly knew he was a recreational user. And chose to have a baby with him.

You probably did know he was a recreational user AND you chose to have a child with him.

The fact that he has lost his driving licence due to driving under the influence is just appalling really.

This comes from an ex recreational user that also liked to party hard just like your DP, except I did it in my late teens & left all that behind years & years ago. I think that people who do it now later on in life are just sad fucks really, it's teenage / early twenties behaviour.

What a looser your DP is. Nice choice for your baby daddy & role model there. Good choice OP Confused

letsdolunch321 · 02/07/2019 09:04

If the drug taking behaviour happens again you have to make a stand tell him he will be leaving the home/relationship, get a good solicitor and all paperwork needed to start divorce proceedings.

I would not threaten him with divorce now, should he do drugs again then proceed.

With regards to having had another baby - you were not to know the route his life was going to go down

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2019 09:06

I don't care that he went - I'm used to him not being here,and tbh,I prefer it that way.

Then surely the drugs are just part of an issue?

Itstartedinbarcelona · 02/07/2019 09:13

You can easily take these kind of drugs and not be addicted, but just enjoying them in the moment. For me, being with someone who wanted to carry on this kind of lifestyle after having kids would be a major problem. A five day festival is just not compatible with family life. And taking drugs is selfish when you have children and a partner that depends on you.

jamoncrumpets · 02/07/2019 09:20

I don't think you are immature or pathetic OP. And those questioning your decision to have a baby are being ridiculous. Your baby is here, you love it, you can't change the past.

But you can change the future. And if that were my DP I would be asking him to sleep elsewhere for a while so I could seriously reevaluate the relationship.

DinosaursWouldEatYou · 02/07/2019 09:26

I couldn't be with a person who takes drugs sorry OP. It must be really disappointing to see he hasn't learnt his lesson from losing his license- who knows what'll happen the next time he does drugs. Very irresponsible.

But I get it saying you'd leave someone you have a family with is easier said then done.

I'd start giving ultimatums he must cut ties with his friends that take drugs, must go to his GP and explain he's an addict and get help (yes I do see him as an addict) and start take responsibility and grow up.

insecure123 · 02/07/2019 09:26

@justathinslice .... fellow boring old f* here....He'd be out.

Meowington · 02/07/2019 09:41

I'm baffled people optionally have children with people like this!!

Stillstrawberrywater · 02/07/2019 09:41

The thing with acid and LSD is they are potentially brain altering drugs. Its pot luck if someone has a bad trip and they are never the same again. Now, with a child involved, I think this is a very selfish and irresponsible risk to take.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 09:47

Your baby is here, you love it, you can't change the past

No one is suggesting she can change it.

Just that if you have children with a recreational drug user, who has made it clear he will continue to do so......you cant be surprised if he uses drugs recreationally.

OP cant control him. She can control what she does.

lilybetsy · 02/07/2019 09:52

If you 'prefer it when hes not there' then I would say you have bigger problems even than his drug taking ...

TanyaChix · 02/07/2019 09:52

I’m with you on this. I did once end a relationship over this. It was years ago but he was 31 and still going out partying and taking ecstasy, coke etc which I just thought was very immature and not my thing at all. I wouldn’t date / marry a drug user because I don’t like drugs and I didn’t like him when he was on them. Some people are more tolerant, I guess.