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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 02/07/2019 08:27

Tell her ' you move your feet, you lose your seat'

Also, you should have just moved up one and given her your seat.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:29

Also OP this comment worries me “I think she has a form of OCD with certain things as she's very rigid and won't budge”

This is completely normal for a 2 year old & by you diagnosing it as a thing means you’re not recognising that.

If she came over demanded an adult move out of a chair she’d ‘claimed’ before going to play & then watched her Mum reaffirm that this behaviour is normal & the other adult is the one in the wrong for not responding to that demand - she’s going to be ‘rigid and not budge’ way past her toddler years.

VeryImportantTests · 02/07/2019 08:30

I think you should have just moved her plate and sat her on the other side. However if your brother sounds like a twat. If you’d asked me to move for your toddler I would have. So I think you were both unreasonable.

Isthebigwomanhere · 02/07/2019 08:30

Aibu? 50 percent thought op was.

Op... but I think might child has OCD🙄

BeansandRice · 02/07/2019 08:32

I think part of the reason he was so annoyed was her tone on demanding the seat back

I'm the most indulgent aunt ever but I didn't like it when my nieces & nephews were this age and they behaved rather rudely to adults. OK, she's just 2, but that kind of whining and/or demanding behaviour is not pleasant.

We've all been subjected to it by our own DC, but I think it's different if you're the child's parent, or another adult (however involved or close).

So I think you're both a bit unreasonable. Both you and your brother have valid points. And your DD does need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her demands. Perhaps you should have made it clear to your brother before he settled in, that your DD was sitting there & likely to return from playing.

But we all know about the 2 year old demands that the world revolve around them! She didn't want her seat as she was away playing, but noone else can have it. It's typical 2 yo behaviour ...

Dodahdodah · 02/07/2019 08:32

DB was the child in this situation, twat!

Piglet89 · 02/07/2019 08:34

Sorry OP, just reading your thread and only have one thing to say.

@saraclara - please do not use the word “paddy” to describe a tantrum. It’s xenophobic (anti-Irish) because it stereotypes all Irish people as being hot-headed and lacking in self-control. Thanks.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:35

OP I think the thing you’re missing here is “I choose my battles” isn’t relevant when you are telling other adults they need to give in to your 2 year old’s demands. If your 2 year old had walked up & demanded your chair, it would have been for you to decide whether to teach her the behaviour isn’t ok or to give it a pass on that occasion.

But that didn’t happen - your daughter walked up & demanded another adult move from their chair & you joined in with your 2 year old’s behaviour. I’m not surprised your brother reacted as it’s not a good look.

Walkaround · 02/07/2019 08:35

AverageMummy - then I would say approximately 90% of adults never learnt this lesson about chairs being interchangeable, because I have witnessed countless arguments about previously claimed chairs, sunbeds and even spots on the grass over the years. It's a brave person who moves someone else's plate (or towel) out of the way so that they can sit down there!

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:36

@Piglet89 I’ve never used that word anyway but I had no idea that was the background to it - thanks for pointing it out

Original poster
Topsecretidentity · 02/07/2019 08:36

Ok I didn't think it would be this closely split. And I didn't see an issue at the time with the way DD spoke as it was factual/a command and that's just her vocabulary- she doesn't know how to say "could you possibly sit elsewhere please" - the polite version still would have been "sit over there...please/ move please".

To reiterate I don't let DD get away with being fussy at home and everyday things and understandably there's a lot of tantrums at home. My mum, sister and friends who see us at home always say that I'm very/ too strict. But DB has only seen DD on special occasions really - last time before was Christmas, and before that was my sisters wedding, so maybe he thinks that my parenting style is the relaxed version he sees when there's a lot of people, a lot of stimulation. Which I can see then he might take issue rather than realising I'm not as strict at those type of events and just hope that the behaviour DD has learnt at home helps her cope.

DB will definitely be an authoritarian parent and he takes after my dad in that way. One of my earliest memories was my dad making me and two of my siblings lie down on our bellies and whipping us with an extension cable because he thought one of us pulled the curtains down. Worst thing was they fell down on their own but dad didn't believe us and instead he punished us for lying (we were 3/4 year olds). Growing up I couldn't joke around with my dad - have never said "don't be silly" affectionately to my dad as the first time I did that got me grounded for a week. I guess I just want DD to be able to speak comfortably and jokingly with adults like I saw my friends doing with their parents and adult family members. Maybe I've gone too far the other way to the point that she lacks respect?

OP posts:
AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:38

@Walkaround a plate on a table before a meal has begun....
a child off playing for over 10 minutes

The sunbed behaviour though is just as nasty but adults can still behave badly

poopypants · 02/07/2019 08:38

As you yourself have said, it was her tone that bothered him. And I agree. Having a 2 year old demand the seat back from an adult is rude and entitled. In this scenario, if a 2 year old was as rude as you suggest, then I agree with the poster who said yeah...if there was space the other side, what was the big deal? She'd been away from the table for ten minutes. And 'demanding' her seat back isn't something to be taken lightly even at 2 years old.

"Sorry darling..you need to sit next to me this side now, because Uncle X has been sitting here while you played"

Alfr · 02/07/2019 08:38

I wouldn't have put up with my child demanding "her" seat back, giving someone an "evil glare" and having a tantrum, so I'm with your DB.
I may be a bit of a dinosaur, but my child grew up without behaving like that, because it wasn't behaviour that I was prepared to tolerate, so it was nipped in the bud pretty smartly. If he had wanted to get back on a seat he'd been using, he'd have said "Please can I sit next to my mum".

Lweji · 02/07/2019 08:39

Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there.

Some people are also missing this part.

The OP put her plate there. So, it was her decision to have her DD sit there with her.
The brother walked over the OP, mainly.
And you should have told him that it was your placing that he was disregarding, not his niece. He was being rude to you.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:40

But OP it’s not about your parenting style when you join in with your toddler’s demands & demand other adults move - you involved him in your parenting style by trying to parent him

Walkaround · 02/07/2019 08:40

A plastic plate on a table is a glaringly obvious sign the toddler has been allocated that spot, AverageMummy.

Alsohuman · 02/07/2019 08:41

OP, sorry to tell you this but you’re making a rod for your own back. Your daughter’s learning that you’ll do anything to avoid a tantrum and you’re colluding so she always gets her own way. If I were you I’d nip it in the bud now or she’s going to be a monster.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:42

OP take the arsey brother out who probably doesn’t understand toddlers - if this was an adult you didn’t know very well who’d sat with you whilst your child was playing then your child came back ‘glared at them’ & ‘demanded they move’ - would you really have joined in with her?

missyB1 · 02/07/2019 08:44

OP she spoke to your brother in that way because you haven’t taught her how to ask politely- stop pretending it’s to do with her lack of vocabulary! Are you seriously saying she doesn’t know the word please???? You had a chance to correct her and get her to ask nicely, you chose not to, no wonder she demands. And all your supposed “strict parenting” didn’t pay off in a public situation did it?
As for how your brother will parent you have no idea because you don’t own a crystal ball. People would have said the same about my dh but he has totally surprised everyone.
Stop making this about your brother and think about how you can help your dd along in social situations.

Orangeballon · 02/07/2019 08:44

As the other side was free then DB should have sat on that seat, in a child’s eye that’s was her seat. He was the grownup here. Sounds like my brother who is a right twat.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:45

@Walkaround if someone came up to sit next to you when a chair was taken - would you:
A: let them sit down, have a chat, get comfortable then demand they move when the food arrived
B: Sorry this chair is taken

The fact this only became an issue later on makes it very clear the chair was fine to be sat on until the 2 year old later decided it wasn’t.

H2OH20Everywhere · 02/07/2019 08:45

Tbh if it were me I'd have considered moving until she said what she said. I work with young children and they do not talk like that, and if they did they'd be told they were being rude.

Bibijayne · 02/07/2019 08:45

Children do not have impulse or emotional control until close to four. Your broth r was being an arse.

medusawashere · 02/07/2019 08:46

It totally makes sense that you want to give your daughter better parents than you had. Really sorry to read you suffered that sort of thing when you were little.

You can teach your child she is loved and cherished and has a voice while making sure they never disrespect others. I wish I could put into words the feeling of humiliation when someone orders you about and you have to do what they say because they're "little" or "family". It really is crap. ESPECIALLY if you have had authoritarian parents like you did and like I did also. The idea of a child telling an adult what to do is even more preposterous.

I'd apologise to your brother, who must be feeling a bit shit about the situation. He is your family too and you didn't stop being his sister and loving him when you had a child.

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