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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2019 08:46

Sorry darling..you need to sit next to me this side now, because Uncle X has been sitting here while you played" OP said they got back to the table at pretty much the same time but dB say down first. It's not like he was halfway through his dinner

IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 08:46

@Topsecretidentity your parenting style is letting her away with stuff around other people.

That is a rod for your back, trust me.

You can’t just pick and choose when to teach her manners. It only sticks when there’s consistency.

You’re being glib and ridiculous. She has the vocab to say please. So you should remind her to use it in situations where it’s warranted. End of.

Nobody is saying she has to string together entire sentences, as you well know.

You want your dd to be able to joke with adults? Don’t make her a kid that adults will avoid at all costs.

Manners cost nothing.

Your dd wasn’t wrong. You were.

Original poster
Topsecretidentity · 02/07/2019 08:47

Your daughter’s learning that you’ll do anything to avoid a tantrum and you’re colluding so she always gets her own way.

As I've mentioned I only try to avoid tantrums at other people's special occasions (so she doesnt spoil the event) that we attend with DD- this is maximum once a month. She gets the normal discipline the rest of the time.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 08:49

Parenting doesn’t stop because someone’s having a party🙄🙄🙄

medusawashere · 02/07/2019 08:49

But does she know that OP? Thats a frightening lack of consistency for a small child. How is she going to know when she can act out a little and when she can't.

BarbedBloom · 02/07/2019 08:50

YABU as the other seat was free and it sounds as though she asked rudely. If a toddler had asked nicely then I would have moved, but if they were rude I would have expected their parent to correct that.

medusawashere · 02/07/2019 08:51

You've taught her the word "please" I imagine? Usage of that word may have stopped the situation in a first place.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 08:51

OP can I also add given there are a million comments on this post - we’ve all been there in one way or another. Because this snippet is being analysed very academically to death here it probably feels like a huge thing. In reality some people think you should have role modelled, others that it was fine to ask another adults to give your small child a pass on this occasion - in reality it really isn’t a huge deal & I’m sure not very reflective of every day. I know I’m not at my best around family & I’m 34!

The way the thread reads you’d think we were debating the merits of smacking or wearing seatbelts! Grin

LannieDuck · 02/07/2019 08:54

Why did your brother choose to sit at a place with a plastic kids' plate in front of it? It sounds like he was looking for the argument.

I hate it when people take your place when you've got up to do something, esp when there are other places they could choose.

In this case, I probably would have moved her to the other side of you, just for ease. But I would still think it very odd (and pretty rude) that your brother didn't sit in an empty place, but instead chose to take a child's place (that was obviously a child's place).

Lweji · 02/07/2019 09:00

It was your brother who threw a tantrum.
Why didn't he sit on "your place", OP?
Why did he sit on the seat with the plastic plate that you put there? He's disregarding you as well as a little child.
He's the one who needs to learn manners to start with.

Walkaround · 02/07/2019 09:01

AverageMummy - but the OP said her db had only just sat down, so he had not been sitting happily chatting in the chair for ages. The issue was that the 2-year old was rude, not that she didn't have a point that her place was laid there for the meal.

Would you, as an adult, make a huge fuss about sitting in a chair you knew was intended for someone else? I am not seeing the db, a grown man, in a better light than the 2-year old here, I'm afraid!!

NannyRed · 02/07/2019 09:02

I’d have told DB from the start “DD is sitting there, it’s easier if she’s next to me. Sorry”
Why did you let him sit next to you in the first place?

If you wasn’t there when he sat down, why didn’t you move to a space where DD could still sit next to you?

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 09:03

At 2yo, your dd only had a choice of two seats to be able to eat. On your right or your left. Assuming that there was another adult sat on the other side (or there was no seat/space available), then your db was asking you, as an adukt to move to another seat so he could get 'HIS' seat. which, tbh, doesnt sound much better tantrum wise than how your dd reacted Wink.

I think he was totally unreasonnable to react the way he did, which was basically tantruming because he didnt get his own way and couldnt stay in 'HIS' seat. as an adult, its certainly less acceptable than from a 2yo.
YWBU to ask him to move if your own reson was to avoid a tantrum. Tantrums hapen and if it is during a BBQ then so be it (I know with my two dcs, i couldnt get away with it. Once a boundary had been broken, lets say beause that was a way to placate them and avoid a tantrum, the boundary was gone all the time and i would have ended up with endless tantrums)
YWNBU to stand your ground if the only other option was for you to move somewhere else. I wonder what your db tough woud happen if he had stayed in that seat?

Original poster
Topsecretidentity · 02/07/2019 09:03

And all your supposed “strict parenting” didn’t pay off in a public situation did it?

But of course it won't 100% pay off. She's 2! You don't say something once to a 2 year old and expect they've learnt it for good. She only had 2 incidents that needed averting at the bbq- both happened at the table (other one was that her foods touched when it was served which she doesn't like and which did result in her wailing). I don't see the point in letting things play out at a special occasion as it's so different to her norm (I.e. at home she only uses her chair anyway so someone sitting in her seat is a new thing). Plus it's not nice for the other guests to hear the tantrum especially when it can be easily avoided. So to me that was a pretty successful outing and apart from DB, all other comments were on how well she behaves.

OP posts:
AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 09:05

I also don’t agree that rules are 100% consistent. At a party my kids stuff their faces with chocolate cake - run around like ferrets & squeal & shriek with joy. None of that is how I’d want normal mealtimes to go Grin

No parent can claim they are 100% consistent it’s just impossible. Actually I’m not strict at all - I don’t believe in standard discipline whatsoever. I also had a very negative authoritarian experience of childhood with name calling, smacking & lots of distress & confusion (not helped by my autism) - but I really don’t think this post is about how ‘strict’ you are. I wouldn’t have told her off either - I’d have just asked her to work on her kind voice & helped her choose another seat if that didn’t work. I’d recommend reading up on gentle parenting - there are some great Facebook groups too. Being ‘strict’ & being ‘permissive’ are not the only too options.

All the reading in the world - none of us are perfect though. My worst experience was probably spending 30+ minutes trying to force my toddler in to a car seat with that frustrating rigid thing they do. Whilst 8 months pregnant! Oh you can be patient for a while but I can’t live in the supermarket ! Grin I think the moment I realised I was losing the war was when the same people were leaving having done their shopping, who we’d seen arrive. Yes I did ‘pander’ & get him the toy he was kicking off over. Was this bad parenting? Well yes. Did I care? Absolutely not Grin So I ‘get’ what you’re saying - I just think you’re viewing this as unsupported tantrum vs other adults complying with her demands & there are often multiple ways to handle any situation.

DinosaursWouldEatYou · 02/07/2019 09:05

DB should of asked if the seat was taken considering there was a plate there marking territory but you DD should of asked politely and said please for DB to move.

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 09:08

seeing your post about your dad, I would wonder how your db will be as a parent, if he has children on his own...

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 09:15

Average all children are different. Mines did need very clear boundaries and thats what I gave them. I would have preferred to be more lax sometimes but thats worked for us.
Of course, as they grew older, things change. But I actually cant rcall children running around whilst eating a b'day cake/meal. It was always done at a soft play/other organise activity and chikdren were always asked to sit down (with good reasons btw both for the mess and for safety).

As it turns out, dc2 in on the spectrum and needed that routine/structure to feel confortable. (he also had similar issues than the OP's dd with walking on grass/sand, needing to have things a certain way etc...)

And thats exactky how it should be. Parenting deoending on how your dcs react and what works for them rather than with huge generalisation along the lines of 'this what you do'

Owlchemist · 02/07/2019 09:15

You had already picked out that seat for her to sit next to you. Your DB was being selfish and obstinate. I don't know anyone in my family that wouldn't move to let my 3 year old sit next to me, not one. How weird of your brother. I wouldn't be happy with him.

As for "DD should have been told to sit on the other side if it was free" NO. The girl had already had her seat chosen, as soon as OPs brother was told that OPs DD was actually going to sit there, HE should have moved to the other side if it was free. What a wanker and a shit uncle.

Owlchemist · 02/07/2019 09:16

You can teach your child she is loved and cherished and has a voice while making sure they never disrespect others.

The brother was the disrespectful one.

SamanthaJayne4 · 02/07/2019 09:17

I would have given way to a 2 year old because I am an adult so I behave like one! DB's remark that DD has or will have a tantrumming personality made me laugh. At 2 years old they all do. I have voted you were not BU OP.

trackingmedown · 02/07/2019 09:26

You lost me at the word ‘demand’. If my DC ‘demanded’ anything of an adult or another child I’d be taking them aside and reminding them about manners and saying please.

Napqueen1234 · 02/07/2019 09:43

For those saying it was pandering I think it would have been had the OPs DD not asked for that seat and had her plate been put there beforehand. As it was she was usurped from her place by her slightly selfish DU and she was not being unreasonable asking for her place back (although as you suggested working on politely asking might be the way forward!). I hate when I'm settled somewhere and someone takes my spot so I'm sure a toddler will feel like x 1000!

Queenofthestress · 02/07/2019 09:46

You were unreasonable by not reminding your brother that your DD was sat there first and purely for the fact that you didnt remind your DD that we ask not demand.

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 09:47

tracking doe i mean that the DB also had no right to DEMAND the seat? because the way he reacted he certainly did.
Im wondering why this is more acceptable for him to create such a fuss, refuse to move, have a go at the OP etc... but somehow a 2yo talking to way 2yo are talking isnt.....