To ask adult to move seat for toddler

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Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

You could have moved yourself though, OP - then there would have been a seat between you and your brother for your child. Three seats in a row but it has to be your brother who moves?

Sounds like your dB was tantruming. He wouldn't have done that to an adult. How incredibly rude. Tell him you don't need parenting advise from a childish arsehole.

Why would an adult sit down at a place set for a toddler. It does seem like your brother was spoiling for an argument. I think lots of people on here must forget what it is like having 2 year olds. Things like this can be so important to them. I don’t think pandering to this is going to result in an entitled brat. Tantruming for toys or basic good behaviour etc is different and needs to be ignored but this was a little one who felt her seat had been taken. She might not have realised she’d get her plate back if she’d moved etc. You just can’t put an adult understanding of the situation on a 2 year old.

I think your brother just wanted to have a go at you and this presented an opportunity

I thought that too when I first read the post.

As for teaching your DD manners, what she has now learned from this is that putting your plate down at a table does not reserve a seat. So what happens at the next party she goes to if your DB has reserved his seat with his plate and then gone off for a bit? She will think it is ok to use that seat, because that is what he did last time. Then I expect DB will come back, and demand she moves. Because he is using his status as an adult to change the rules to suit him.

Most people on here saying the DD was wrong would not expect to have their seat taken if they had their plate there and got up for a bit. Why is it different when it is a child?

I wonder if this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

Unlikely that DB would have jumped to immediately criticise OP for pandering to her DD on just this one occasion.

Perhaps OP always expects her DD to take precedence over others.

Sorry, I'm with your brother. If a child looked at me like that and demanded something, I would feel embarrassed to be made to capitulate. Sounds weird doesn't it but no one wants to lose face.

Having something demanded of me in such a way would immediately make me want to not do it. Wouldn't really matter how old the kid was. If your child has a "manner" of asking for things that gets people's backs up, it's your job to fix that and minimise the impact on others.

Of course your brother was angry. He probably felt a bit humiliated.

Can't believe it took 3 posts for someone to call your brother a nonce

Love the way db is a 'twat' and can be ignored as no children of his own and yet the parents on here have completely different ideas themselves! I don't understand where you were when db sat down, a quick 'oh DD's sitting there' would have saved all the angst or you swiftly moving her plate to the spare place. She was rude and a non-parent wouldn't think 'oh, ages and stages etc, I'll let it go', db was probably embarrassed and didn't know a battle of words with a toddler is Not The Done Thing.

Perhaps the situation would not have arisen if the child had not been allowed to leave the table 'to play' part-way through the meal!

Also, maybe your brother thought you might like some adult conversation rather than baby talk!

Your brother sounds like an excellent parent. My eldest probably got what he wanted a lot of the time at that age. By the time he was 3 and in nursery he was learning to compromise. When he was 5 he had a little sister who was 2 who was getting what she wanted so eldest often had to give way. I don’t think any of this stuff really matters in the long run so I am with you on having a quiet life.

I work in a nursery with two year olds and no they they aren’t all as rudely spoken as your dd. You allow her to talk like that - well more fool you. As for insisting she must have this chair or that plate etc yes two year olds will try that on but it’s important to teach them to be flexible and that it doesn’t harm to mix things up a bit. In nursery we don’t encourage rigidity, we don’t allow children to have their own particular chair, and they certainly wouldn’t be allowed to demand another child moves.

If your dd has spoken to me like that I would have gently pointed out that she was being rude and not using a kind voice. I would have expected you to point out the empty chair next to you and for you to suggest she sat there. You are doing your dd no favours by encouraging that kind of entitled behaviour. Stop being afraid of her reactions. Remember she relies on you to teach her how to behave in social situations.

She's 2 - why did he just not smile cuddle her and move ? Total non issue - no need for major moral dilemma or expectations of adult behaviour from a 2 year old at a supposedly happy loving family event.

YABU to label your two year old as having OCD. If there are assessments going on at nursery, you need to wait for them to take their course.

However your brother was being unreasonable. People in general are weird about seating are arrangements. If you ever go on a course that lasts more than one day, you'll see people attempting to return to the seat they sat in yesterday. "Their" seat. Even though it's in a strange building and they sat in it for one day, for 5 hrs. As a trainer I've had to stop actual arguments between grown adults over seating arrangements. It's a weird territorial thing. Your child was sat there first. It was laid for her, and she left it for 10 mins. I'd have told your brother to shift, and I wouldn't expect a toddler to manage a situation that adults get wound up about.

A 2 yo should never ever have the right to a seat over an adult. As a parent it’s up to you to manage the tantrum / sit her on your lap / move if needed. Sounds like you do this a lot OP and your DB probably isn’t the only one who’s noticed but may be the only one brave enough to comment.

I would have pandered to avoid a tantrum to some extent - I.e. encourage/bribe DD to sit in alternative seat.
If this was my DS I'd probably have a 50% chance of success vs tantrum depending on his mood and how tired he was. But I'd probably take my chances on that if he had already spoken in a rude tone to DB

Perhaps the situation would not have arisen if the child had not been allowed to leave the table 'to play' part-way through the meal!

She didn't leave the table part-way through the meal though.

Also, maybe your brother thought you might like some adult conversation rather than baby talk!

Then he could have sat on the other side of OP instead of on his DN's seat.

She's two. If she were a little older, your brother would have a point, but any adult who objects to letting a two year old sit next to a parent is an arse in my view.

Tbf this time last year ds was very orientated on his chair, his plate etc and it would have caused a meltdown if someone had taken his seat as he liked to sit between mummy and daddy. He's three and a half now and a lot more laid back about it, will adapt to things etc. And he would have sounded rude if he pointed it out it was his seat at two as he could barely string a couple of words together, for example he would have said 'move, mine'. I think with two year olds there has to be some leeway as long as its not ridiculous. And i think your brother was an idiot - its always family members without children who tend to be perfect.

A 2 yo should never ever have the right to a seat over an adult.

But why?

Your child left & went to play then came back & ‘demanded’ someone move from ‘her seat’. Don’t get me wrong this is normal toddler behaviour - but yes you are being unreasonable to go along with it & demand other people move. What are you teaching her? Sometimes it’s better to let them be a bit upset & comfort them & help them choose something different.

It's not the seat though, it's the fact that a small child spoke so rudely to a grown adult and the adult was expected to just capitulate. That's what I imagine the brother's problem was. Does no one understand that would be embarrassing for most people who weren't that child's parent? Being ordered about by someone of any age sucks but it especially sucks when by a kid at a family gathering where everyone can see.

I'd have reacted similarly. The seat isn't important in itself, it's feeling like your family members don't care about your feelings. If my sister let her child speak to me like dirt and expected me to do what I was told, I'd leave and not go back for a long time. It's not on. I would think my sister had lost her mind.

It's little wonder we've got a spate of terrible behaviour in schools when the lessons are neglected this young. The lesson being that you never ever speak to an adult/someone bigger than you like that. Pandering to this sort of rudeness in the name of "OCD" is madness.

There was another empty seat on the other side of the OP so the child would still be next to her mother

any adult who objects to letting a two year old sit next to a parent is an arse in my view.

This.

Her plastic plate was there. Why did he want a plastic plate? Pretty childish from him all around.

@NabooThatsWho because a toddler who learns they can walk up & demand people move for them isn’t going to find it very easy when people don’t like that behaviour for example school etc.

It really is normal for toddlers to kick off over well anything whatsoever, but it’s our job as parents to not teach them their demands are reasonable by joining in.

Your brother was having a passive aggressive adult tantrum.