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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2019 06:14

I think she has a form of OCD with certain things as she's very rigid and won't budge

I don’t think you do anyone any favours by pathologising a 2 year old. At this stage she is learning about the world, what is and isn’t ok, what she likes and doesn’t like, how to talk to people, how to get her own way or not.

Toddlers are rigid, because they don’t know yet that there are lots of options most of which are ok, they tantrum because they feel overwhelmed and don’t understand feelings or how to express themselves fully in all situations - because they are learning all the time about every single thing. They aren’t expected to be emotionally intelligent, or to know what’s a big deal or not - because they are learning and need adults to guide them.

In this situation, if you knew your daughter was particular about where she sits you should have asked your brother to sit on the other side if you when he approached the table. That one thing would have avoided the whole situation and not left your 2 year old trying to figure it out.

Given you didn’t do that, I would have helped by daughter explain that she wanted to sit there and, if brother wouldn’t move, I’d have made space for her to sit beside me and helped her cope with that as best she could, including removing her from the BBQ if she

You seem to think it was an either/or - she gets that seat and all is well or she tantrums and everyone needs to deal with it. Tiny little people need to learn how to cope with great big feelings, adults avoiding those great big feelings, or labelling the child for having them is pandering and teaches the child her feelings aren’t safe - your brother was an arse, but there were a dozen other ways for you to deal with it that would all have been better for your daughter in the long run.

As the adult, and her parent, it’s your job to figure it out.

jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2019 06:16

Removing her from the BBQ if she tantrumed - sorry

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/07/2019 06:21

The seat the other side of you was free. Yet your brother chose to sit in your dds seat. She either hadn’t eaten or finished eating and therefore would need to sit down again. There were clearly enough seats to accommodate everyone. He did this to challenge your dd and make a point, didn’t he? Bet he wouldn’t have done that had it been an adult’s plate.

He doesn’t babysit.

Keep it that way.

She’s two years of. A baby.

Exactly.

Can’t believe the amount of people think a family bbq probably with tipsy adults and lots of high emotions, tiredness and excitement was the place to teach something to a toddler. This is exactly the environment a 2 yo will need more reassurance and predictability.

My question would be, why didn’t you challenge your brother in the beginning? My take is he’s a domineering personality. He set both of you up to fail. Monitor his behaviour in future.

Supersimpkin · 02/07/2019 06:23

YABU. Parenting is about guiding emotional regulation at this age. Promoting tantrum behaviour is not a kind thing to do to a small child.

plasterboots · 02/07/2019 06:25

@Aprillygirl I don't think the brother wanted to sit next to his sister, he just wanted to sit in the seat that he was sitting in!

You made a comment on the thread that had been pointed out numerous times that the child could still sit next to the mother and I pointed that out, so either read the thread or accept people pointing out things you've either ignored or missed.

BuildBuildings · 02/07/2019 06:25

Toddlers can be annoying but it's because they don't know better. Your brother sounds like a twat. I think you're right in being very aware of him around her.

Cyrusc · 02/07/2019 06:26

Just because he doesn't have kids, doesn't make his thoughts invalid

See to me when someone doesn't have children and they pontificate about how badly you're doing it when they clearly have no idea, then yes it does make their opinion invalid. He is obviously clueless about normal child development if he can't grasp why a two year old would tantrum in this situation. He sounds like an arse OP YWNBU.

I foresee you sitting back stifling many a smirk if he has toddlers of his own some day!

NauseousMum · 02/07/2019 06:33

Your brother overreacted with arguing and getting arsy himself and your dd was rude.

"You're in my seat" factual, toddler speak. "sit over there" rude

Next time don't put her plate down in advance if she's not sitting. Avoids tantrums and rudeness all around. Also if you have already sorted a seat tell db when he moves to sit down that dds sitting there, point to her plate and if he moans ask why it's so important to him when a) he's not sat down yet and b) there's a toddler's stuff set up and c) there's a space on your other side- points out unreasonableness. Tell your dd to speak politely not be rude and expect politeness from db in return.

He is 100% wrong about smacking. You say you and your mum have OCD, i wonder if he was affected by it as a kid and he's now got his own automatic rigid responses to things? I know my mum's friend has ocd, affecting her cleaning wise and almost in protest her dd is the opposite. Very relaxed (not unclean!) But she pushes herself to not care as much and it often leads to clashes when her dmum comments or does something that literally makes my friend tense as she recognises it from childhood.

converseandjeans · 02/07/2019 06:34

YANBU. People do think it's ok to do things like that to a child & that if they say something they are playing up'. As others said you wouldn't take an adult seat like that.
I remember once going to a restaurant with DD when she was same age & all she ordered was a bowl of fries. Part way through my Dad leaned over and grabbed half her chips and plonked them on my niece's plate. She was quite pissed off. Apparently she was supposed to be fine with that as we were all 'sharing' I tried to explain that you wouldn't do that to an adult e.g. how would you feel Dad if I leaned over and took half your pizza?

Vulpine · 02/07/2019 06:39

Ideally the kid would not be so possessive over a space at the table and her behaviour not great however none of us are perfect parents and for bro to make a point about parenting and make your life harder at a family event is just dickish.

rwalker · 02/07/2019 06:39

At 2 I would of made her sit the other side of you with your DB on this one.
Wouldn't let 2 year old start bossing adult around. Doesn't sound as though he took the seat on purpose .

KatherineJaneway · 02/07/2019 06:41

If there was a free seat the other side of you and your daughter had spoken to me as rudely as that, I wouldn't have budged. If she had been polite, I'd have moved right away.

Namenic · 02/07/2019 06:41

Sounds like you can’t win with DB as he has different attitudes to discipline than you. Perfectly reasonable to avoid conflict at big social events for the sake of the other people. I mean would you let your child tantrum at a wedding, or would you try and distract them for the crucial bits???

At 2 so many things can drive a tantrum - tiredness, discomfort, heat. I guess you can go ahead and ruin events and your social life - but I think it is smarter to play the long game. Yeah - kids have to learn self-regulation but there are other times to teach them and some stuff they won’t be able to learn at a young age anyway (eg my toddler refuses to eat anything if I break/cut it up into smaller bits?!... kinda like trying to teach times tables to them).

Ceebs85 · 02/07/2019 06:50

I'm 100% on your side

Not even about picking your battles. Brother wouldn't have done that to an adult and certainly wouldn't have been that rude with it.

We can't expect a toddler to have to emotional reasoning of an adult

floraloctopus · 02/07/2019 06:51

She's going to grow up into an entitled woman who expects the world on a plate. Yabvu.

FancyACarrot · 02/07/2019 06:54

2yr olds need to sit by their mum in social situations like this. Your DB is bossy and or controlling. Tell him to pick on someone his own size!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/07/2019 06:58

FancyACarrot and others, OP said on page 1 that the seat on her other side was free.

People without children always think you're spoiling yours, personally I wouldn't have paid much attention to his views, but would have moved my toddler's plate. You're not doing her any favours by letting a 2 year old be rude to adults, she had left the seat, it was a good opportunity to help her be a little more flexible and still be next to you.

Aprillygirl · 02/07/2019 07:01

@Aprillygirl I don't think the brother wanted to sit next to his sister, he just wanted to sit in the seat that he was sitting in!

But it was the toddlers seat. Her plate was there to mark it out as such. The brother should have sat on the other empty seat. It's pathetic that a grown adult would rather cause a row with a toddler than just do that!

squeekywheel · 02/07/2019 07:06

I would have asked your DB if he was going to eat off her plastic plate too.

Your daughter got annoyed because your brother treated her with contempt. An adult would have quite rightly got annoyed too. Your daughter is two, therefore gets annoyed like a toddler.

I'm amazed at how some people treat their kids. If you treat them with contempt, you will get it back from them.

HigaDequasLuoff · 02/07/2019 07:13

The seat on the other side of you was free - you could easily have scooted over one seat and placed toddler between you and her uncle.

When DB sat down in the first place you could have made a plan then so that there was no problem.

I totally understand about picking your battles but equally you mustn't let a child grown up with the impression that their temper tantrums are such a fearsome weapon that they can use the threat of tantrum to get what they want.

LuaDipa · 02/07/2019 07:18

Your db sounds more childish than dd. He shouldn’t have sat in her seat and should have moved when asked. If dd’s tone was off or she was a bit rude when asking then you absolutely should deal with that, but it shouldn’t have to be at his behest when he is behaving like a bit of a dick himself.

I hate this attitude that children must be beholden to adults and that politeness always involves deferring to an adults whim. Why is he more deserving of the seat just because he is a ‘grown up’? If anything where he sits is less important to him because he is a grown man, whereas little things like this can mean a lot to children. He sat in her seat and didn’t move when asked. He was rude and quite nasty, and I’m glad that dd was strong enough, even at two to stand up for herself.

EleanorReally · 02/07/2019 07:18

she is only 2
she needs a bit of leeway for her behaviour
your db sounds mean

Walkaround · 02/07/2019 07:18

Sounds like tour db behaved like a toddler himself, tbh. If your dd's plate was still on that chair and he moved it out of the way to sit on the chair, then he is definitely in the wrong. If he didn't realise and was just responding to your dd's tone of voice, then he needs to understand that 2-year olds are still extremely young and do not think like mini grown ups - particularly when the example set them by grown ups is that it is perfectly reasonable to argue over a chair...

Walkaround · 02/07/2019 07:20

Basically, thanks to your db, Topsecretidentity, your dd now understands that if someone wants your chair, you should argue about it and refuse to move, because that was the example your db set.

squeekywheel · 02/07/2019 07:21

"you mustn't let a child grown up with the impression that their temper tantrums are such a fearsome weapon that they can use the threat of tantrum to get what they want"

@HigaDequasLuoff

Nor must she grow up thinking that she's not deserving to be treated with basic respect. It's not the tantrum that's the issue here- it's the rude adult.

Why do people have kids if they won't stand up for them?